A New Night
Chapter 35

Truly Together

I stared at my warm pale hands and stretched to widen them. I could feel the ocean breeze blow between my fingers. A couple grains of sand remained lodged in my fingernails from when I’d been sitting down. I could finally do all this after all the time I’d been trapped in the metal body, and now I had been told that it would soon end. The Triumvirate wanted Jackie to absorb my consciousness into her own. I supposed that part of me would still be there. Maybe I wouldn’t know the difference. Logic dictated that I would feel like I’d always been Jackie. Bassello would be nothing but a dream. All my feelings, thoughts, the things I’d gone through, and the people I’d met would be diluted. A few weeks’ worth of memories drowned in an ocean of 5 million years.

“There are two other options that I know I could convince the Triumvirate to settle for,” Jackie said. “I have a physical body that I engineered when I had thoughts of retirement. It would be difficult to adjust, but the Triumvirate would welcome you. Or …”

I looked up at her, not knowing if I should feel hope or dread.

Jackie waved her hand, sending a golden ripple through the beach around us. Everything suddenly became more ... real. The plants grew thicker. Rich soil replaced a good amount of the sand. The sun lowered itself in the sky, casting an orange hue upon the world. The Night People crawled from their homes and took flight. Then, I saw something that I knew hadn’t been in my memories or in this place the first time I’d looked. It was a small round hut with walls made of stone and a roof out of dry thatch.

I walked toward the hut, looked in the window, and froze. Inside was a grass floor, several hammocks hanging empty, two larger dark-skinned people, and a small one all sitting on the floor. The old woman and the man were Maria-Elena and Carlos. The younger one was faced away as she played with several children of the Night People. Though she did not turn her head, it took me only a few seconds to realize who she was. “Emeli...” I said, my voice hoarse.

An older Night Person flew past my head, in through the window. He landed, hopped to her side, and then spoke to her. It was Krogallo …. and he had a happy expression like he only ever had when telling a story. Unlike before, when it had been Jackie, there was no way to know that this wasn’t the real Krogallo. All his mannerisms were perfect, as if they’d duplicated his consciousness like they had mine. Of course, this was impossible. They were using my memories to recreate him.

“They’re here … but they’re...” I began to say.

“Dead,” Jackie finished. And then I noticed that she was staring directly at me, purposefully angling himself so she did not have to look inside. “Yes, they are. But these simulations will act and speak and even seem to feel—no different than the real thing. Even your friend, Romalla, would be here. All will be forgiven; all would be right ... forever.”

“But not real,” I said, feeling a pressure in my chest and a burning sensation in my eyes.

“For you, it would be, but not for them,” Jackie said with a sigh. “Were they real, I don’t think I could replace it within myself to leave this place.”

“This isn’t just a calming program, is it?” I thought this place was just meant to calm me down and show me everything that had happened. But there was more at play here. They wouldn’t have made something like this just for the off-hand chance some robot would come raging through town, missing its memory.

“It’s many things,” Jackie said, looking out at the horizon. “Sometimes, it is a healing center for those mentally traumatized enough to be a danger to themselves and others. Here, they can relive their childhood, trauma, or whatever else their mind requires to come to healing and rejoin the world. Of course, there are always those who wish to stay. In fact, some choose to come here and live simulated lives. Within hours, they can live several lifetimes. I think it’s part of why most people do not keep their immortality, as almost everyone has come at one point or another to live an untold number of lives.”

“What about you?” I asked.

Jackie met my eyes and said, “I did choose to stay here for a while ... but the truth that it was all a fantasy was too unsettling for me to live with. Once I knew, I could never bring myself to love this fantasy as I had loved the real people I came here to be with. So, I erased my own memories. Unfortunately, a vague and unsettling feeling always led me back to my realization, so I had to try again.”

“So, I would replace out too,” I replied, feeling hopeless.

“No,” Jackie said with a heavy exhale. “I offer you something I could never have. My form as an Educator allows me to spread my presence anywhere I need, without limitations of time or space. So it would not take much for me to leave an invisible copy of myself here, watching you, erasing your mind, and reforming the simulation every time you got too close.”

I thought about this for a moment … of how much easier things would be if I wasn’t alone and struggling to achieve things that I knew were impossible. However, I couldn’t just willingly go into a fantasy when so many people were relying on me. I knew that even if my memories were erased, the guilt would follow me into my next lives, no matter how many I lived.

“I can’t. The Immortal Golems prey on them and the Night People. They need help, and I promised to come here for them.”

Jackie’s face became stern, and she shook her head. “If you become a part of me, you will understand why we cannot interfere in such affairs. It would ultimately be a disservice for us to help them. I know it’s difficult, but you must trust me on this. Every time the Triumvirate has tried to make contact and help a species before its extra-galactical age, there have been terrible consequences.” Her words reminded me of what Steelface had said … something about the Triumvirate not being the good people I wanted to believe they were.

“Is that was happened … to the Servants?” I asked.

Jackie sighed. “The ones we took away from the Immortals—generations after the Old Humans who had been loyal to them. The infants and smaller children made it. But the others … we might as well have been aliens abducting them to another planet. Most had to be placed in these calming chambers for the rest of their lives. And for those we did not replace … the damage we did by eliminating any possibility of genetic diversity was an unforgivable crime. That is why we now have our laws of non-interference.”

“But the Night People need you,” I said, trying to put into words how desperate the situations below were. “They all need help. The Servants are literally dying. Hunter children are starving. And the Immortals are unstoppable!”

“I’m sorry,” Jackie said, unwavering in a way that I hadn’t seen in anything else we’d discussed. “There is nothing you can say to make me help them, much less the rest of the Triumvirate. Genocides and extinction events cannot compare to the aftereffects of tainting a culture. So, our answer will not change.”

No... this wasn’t right! The Triumvirate were supposed to have the answers to all the impossible problems I’d faced. If Jackie only understood what was going on down there, she would get it! I began to panic.

Then, an idea came to me. If I joined with Jackie, she would feel what I did. She would know that she had to make an exception, just this once. There was just one last thing I needed to know. I asked, “If I became you … there would be others like me, right?”

Jackie did not immediately reply. She exhaled gently and said, “A couple of the other Educators come close to my age. A few humans and AI are quite ancient, hundreds of thousands of years old. Most people only live for 200 years before they choose to pass on. I am one of the few artifacts of your age. But that’s not your real question, is it?”

I thought about this for a moment, not sure what she meant.

“Are you wanting to know if there are people like you, or do you want to know if you will no longer be lonely?”

“Oh,” I said and then gave a slight nod. I supposed … that was what I meant.

“Remember back to reliving Dimitry’s life,” Jackie said. “Were we lonely?”

I thought back … to my family, to the family that had taken me in after the flood, to the village I lived in. Even among people who had treated me with untold kindness, I could only remember a single point at which loneliness did not pervade all of who I was. “I … didn’t feel lonely when I had Emeli … when I had my … my daughter.

Jackie paused thoughtfully before she continued. “What about as Bassello?”

“I …” I began to say, but then realized that the answer was more difficult than I thought. Being with Romalla had often made me feel like I wasn’t alone. But also … “I never felt like Romalla really saw me. She only saw the Sleeping God, and that was who she really wanted.”

Jackie nodded to show she was listening and said, “Waking in the body of her people’s deity did neither of you any favors. But as time went on, where was her real devotion?”

I thought back to the beginning of our friendship—how excited Romalla had been when I had waved at her, how eager she had been to learn more about me even when I knew nothing of her religion, how she had teased me when climbing the Wall while also shielding me from seeing below, how she had protected me from the psychic control of the Hunters. There had been bumps along the way, but Romalla had always accepted who I was and then added it to her beliefs rather than forcing me to fit a mold. Even when disappointed, she was always there for me when it mattered. And in those moments …

“You weren’t alone,” Jackie said. “The circumstances of your waking did neither of you any favors. You had no memory to express who you truly were; she was trained all her life to believe you to be someone else. But the two of you worked through it even when it was hard.”

“But … she left,” I replied, feeling my eyes well.

Jackie gave me a look and then smiled. “Her? I know how you view your own worth. You think you are somehow responsible for the pain of Romalla losing her father figures—that she will never forgive you. But do you really think that she would not work out her grief? Do you really think that she, of all people, would be unable to figure out her grief … and how deeply she cares for you?”

I reached to wipe away a tear that had rolled onto my cheek … but left it to savor while it lasted. “She’s looking for me.”

Jackie nodded. “We have a bit more time, though. And I feel like there’s one last thing left to discuss. I would let you figure it out in your own time. But I also know what it’s like to work through this alone. And I don’t want this time together to end, knowing you’ll never get another chance to resolve it with someone who understands it entirely.”

I froze; my heart raced faster, and I felt an uncomfortable sweat on my skin. Only by forcing my jaw to move manually could I make the words come out. “I’ve been thinking about … that thing you’re talking about. But I don’t know for sure. And if I really am, why didn’t I wake up assuming I was a woman? I mean, I know you are, but what if I’m …”

“The only version of us not to be trans?” Jackie replied with an ease that made me feel uncomfortable, like watching someone else sitting on the ledge of a cliff. How could the matter be so simple to her? How could she not be afraid?

Still, I nodded sheepishly.

Jackie smiled. “We all felt like that at one point. Even the first of us found herself in a room full of other trans people, asking herself if she was the only fake among them. These issues aren’t simple—we have to work through them. I think that’s why you didn’t magically wake up with that knowledge either. If you had awakened with absolutely no memory, sure. But what came to us from Dimitry is still in your consciousness somewhere. This fear is no less valid or substantial than your dread of heights after working and watching so many die on that accursed Wall. We all had to work out who we were; it took time for all of us. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts.”

I chewed on my lip as I thought silently about her words. “But how do I … know?”

“Like your self-worth and all the good that will come from you, that part will happen in time,” Jackie replied. Then, she took me by the hand and led me to a small pool of water—the exact one where I had first seen my virtual face and felt so wrong. “Until then, just ask yourself this. When you look in the mirror, who is the person that would make you happy to see? Who makes you feel at home?”

I looked down at my reflection.

“The Sleeping God?” Jackie asked and waved her hand over the pool.

The water rippled, and I saw the robotic face that had brought me so much pain.

“Dimitry?” Jackie continued and again waved her hand.

Again, the surface of the water was disturbed. Once it settled, I saw the same face I’d studied in the mirror as Dimitry. Seeing the flesh and humanity felt better by a long shot … but, like in the memory, it still felt vaguely alien. To my surprise, I eagerly wanted to change the water one last time.

“Or…” Jackie said as she motioned for the water to shift one last time.

The water shimmered, and I saw a much younger version of Jackie. Her features were soft and human. And for once, the reflection I saw felt comfortable, safe, and … right.

“Bassella!” shouted the most familiar voice I knew. I turned to see a small green blur flying toward me like a bullet from the beach. Romalla crashed into my body with so much force that I was knocked off my feet and into the sand. She hugged my chest tightly, and I held her in return. I began to sniffle and then heard her sniffles. This caused my sniffles to turn into sobbing, which made her cry loudly as well. Soon, we were a very loud symphony of emotion.

Finally, Romalla released me and began to speak fast, not stopping to take a breath. “I thought I was mad at you for not being a god, but I wasn’t really. I was just sad because my father and Krogallo weren’t here, and I couldn’t feel anything but bad things. Then I saw the Queen climbing the frozen vine. I had to tell you because you can’t sing well enough to keep out their demon powers. I went to their central dwelling and saw their oracles. They showed me where to replace Scraa and Dro. I flew to them as fast as I could, and they had stolen magic god leaves. Then we found the Queen and her demons. They were already using their powers to control the gods. So, Scraa said you’d be in a hospital. We went and were captured by giant crabs with shooting teeth. Then I woke up here and met Krogallo, who wasn’t actually Krogallo. He brought me here. Now we need you because you’re the only one who can help us stop the Queen before she learns how to become an evil god! And I’m sorry, and I love you, and I see you now, and I’m so so so sorry I didn’t before.” She then drew a long breath and proceeded to pant, her eyes still leaking.

I looked at her for a moment, trying to process the chunks of information she’d just spewed out. Then, after thinking about it for a moment, I took a heavy breath and said, “I can’t help while I’m like this, while I’m … me. But if I become a god, I can finally do something right.”

“But ... you’ll still be Bassella?” Romalla asked, and I felt an overwhelming sense of love in how she had adjusted my name. I could tell that she had to make an effort, but she was making it to show she cared.

I turned my head away and looked at Jackie. I wouldn’t be me … I’d be her. But maybe the memories would be fresh enough to change her mind about interfering.

Romalla took in a sharp breath as if I’d punched her. “Bassella, I don’t want you to leave. I’m sorry that I yelled at you. I need you ... you you. And I would rather have the real you than a god who isn’t really you.”

I turned away.

“Please ... you’re my friend,” Romalla said, putting a hooked claw on my face so I had to face her. Her eyes met mine. I don’t care what happens. I want you.”

My last ounce of determination to become a part of Jackie vanished. Everything in me settled for a moment, my flurry of self-doubt, fear, desperation, and need to fix everything to be my fault. I recognized it as a second of clarity. I had made one promise—to Camolla that Romalla and I would watch out for one another. I’d … also told Romalla that she was my friend. Never had I told anyone that I was a god or the savior of the world. I’d never claimed to be or promised that I could fix every problem.

I lifted my hand and waved at her.

Romalla latched her wings around my head and nuzzled my forehead. And for what I suspected to be the first and last time, I truly felt it.

“Do you need more time?” Jackie asked, looking between the two of us.

I shook my head and said, “You have to let me out of here. Dro, Scraa, Romalla, and I are the only ones who can get the Queen and her servants out of here.”

Jackie nodded immediately and said, “The Hunters are proving a challenge we were unprepared for. We knew that they inherited abilities from a pre-human species of Earth, still unknown to our researchers except for vague traces. But we never expected this kind of power out of them. If you think you can stop them, I will undo your restraints and shut down the simulations for you and your companions. Several of my students will meet you outside the building where the Hunters have attacked.”

I nodded, surprised at how easy it had been to convince her. I wondered if she had ever intended to keep me prisoner here.

Last, Jackie added, “If you succeed, don’t let them catch you again. Get out of here and stay off the Sky Cities. Our laws forbid us from searching for you while you are below. I will cover for you two for as long as I can.” Then, she put her palms together. The space between them began to glow gold, just like the illusions from before. The golden light spread from her palms to her hands, to her arms, then down her feet and into the sand. It rose from the sand up my body and Romalla’s as well.

The world began to melt down, and us last, until all was a flat and golden sea of light. Then, the light faded.