A Spy in Exile
: Chapter 36

BERLIN, DECEMBER 31, 2014

“I’d like us to raise our glasses and drink a toast to the New Year. You’re all free this evening to celebrate however you like. Berlin is a great city for partying. Tomorrow you’ll board your flights back to Israel, in keeping with the routes we’ve laid out. I hope you get some rest ahead of the next stage in your training. We’ll meet here again on January 12. Monday morning. At ten.”

Ya’ara looked at them one by one, her eyes locking momentarily with those of Nufar, Helena, Assaf, Ann, Batsheva, and Sayid. Affirming to each and every one of them that he or she was important, central, that the bond that had formed between them was unique. The cadets responded with looks of absolute concentration and readiness.

“We’ve been through some significant events together. I want to tell you that you were all wonderful. You’re even better than I thought you’d be. You’ll be even better than I thought you’d be,” she corrected herself, “because you’re just starting out. You demonstrated courage, and an ability to analyze and improvise, and you are good team members. What we did was take care of an emergency. And now you need to gain experience and learn in an orderly fashion.”

“Are you certain we’re worthy of praise?” Batsheva asked. “We were successful in Bremen, but dozens of people were killed in England.”

“We can’t take on the whole world singlehandedly. Our mission was a success. Larger and more experienced forces will now enter the fray. This is a never-ending war.”

Sayid wanted to ask Ya’ara where she had been all that night. She only got back to their hotel at four in the morning. He knew that because he had heard the door open and looked at the time on the screen of the phone that was charging on the bedside table. She went straight into the shower and stayed there for a long time. He could hear the water running nonstop. He thought he might have heard the sound of crying, too, but dismissed the thought almost immediately. Ya’ara wasn’t one to cry. After emerging from the bathroom, she went straight to bed, curled up like a baby, tightly gripping the edge of the blanket in one hand. She didn’t say a word, and he dropped off again. Now he wanted to ask, but he had learned by then that there’d be some questions that he’d never ask.

Helena looked into Ann’s eyes. “Should we go for a drink?” she asked soundlessly. Ann’s eyes smiled in response.

“L’Chaim,” Ya’ara said. “To the lives of the cadets.”

As they mingled together by the door on their way out, Batsheva turned to Aslan and asked, “Are you going with Ya’ara or coming with us?” She was referring to herself and Sayid. Assaf and Nufar had already announced that they were off to wander around Unter den Linden. Helena and Ann had hurried out together first.

“I think Ya’ara would like to be alone for a while. I’ll join you, if that’s okay.”

“Of course. We invited you, didn’t we?”

They lingered now at the door, as if they didn’t want to part.

“Come on,” Ya’ara said, “get out of here already. We’ll meet in a week and a half.”

“Bye, Ya’ara.”

“Bye. Have fun. Happy New Year.”

She hadn’t asked Matthias where he’d be spending New Year’s Eve. Maybe with his sister’s family. Maybe with friends. Maybe alone, in front of the large fireplace, in his home on the outskirts of Hamburg. It’s actually not very far from here, she thought for a moment. No, don’t be so childish, she said to herself, pulling herself together. You’re just feeling lonely.

She saw her as she stepped out into the street. A fair-haired woman, a little older than she was. A little taller. She caught a fleeting glimpse of her face, just as she turned right at the corner, a pleasant, pretty face, a large, strong nose, full lips, high cheekbones. And now she observed her from behind, the woman who was walking away from her, wearing a long, dark gray woolen coat, which came down to her ankles almost, like a robe. A silk scarf in shades of orange and gold around her neck. She knew it wasn’t her, that it couldn’t be her, and yet it felt as if she was looking at Tatiana. Her older sister. She expected her to turn around and call to her by her old name and jokingly scold her for being so far from home. Ya’ara closed her eyes, and the colors of the scarf, a glowing stain on her retinas for a short while, slowly turned dark. Enough already, enough, she berated herself, taking a deep breath of icy air into her lungs. You can’t keep seeing her everywhere you go. When Ya’ara opened her eyes again, the street was full of people hurrying home on the eve of a new year. She felt a jarring pain, as if she had lost her sister all over again. Once again, Tatiana had disappeared and become a ghost.