Blood and Reign (Blood and Ruin Series Book 3)
Blood and Reign: Chapter 16

JAX

Where the hell am I?

Squinting my eyes, I watch the darkness around me get lighter until I replace myself outside, standing by a park. A breeze wisps by, the cold bite of it making me shiver.

I’m about to move away when I see a kid by himself on one of the swings. Not just any kid, it’s me when I was younger.

I walk over to… me, well, younger me. His head is tilted down, his shoulders slumped. He’s wearing a t-shirt and jeans that are a size too big, and shoes that have fucking holes in them.

Damn, I was a scrawny-looking thing. Thank fuck I filled out.

I clear my throat, bending down to him. “Hey.” Talking to myself makes me feel fucking weird. He doesn’t hear me, still lost in his thoughts with the saddest look on his face.

“Chin up. Whatever it is, it can’t be that bad.” I move closer, my agitation growing when he still doesn’t move, that sad fucking look still on his face.

I reach out to him to give his shoulder a shake, but my hand goes right through him.

What the fuck?

“Oh look, it’s the freak.” I turn around, my eyes widening when I spot one of the boys from down the street where I used to live.

What’s that fucker’s name?

I snap my fingers as it comes to me. Trent.

That’s it. I fucking hated him. He’d always go out of his way to make my life miserable. Or at least tried to.

Wait.

It dawns on me that this isn’t another game, it’s a fucking memory.

I whip my head from younger me to Trent before getting a better look at the park around me. The familiar faded blue swings and peeling red painted slide.

Fuck.

Glancing back down at younger me, I remember this day. It wasn’t long after Kiarra was… taken. We couldn’t replace her, no matter how hard we looked. No matter how hard we tried or hoped.

The adults told us she and her mom didn’t like it here anymore and just left.

None of us believed them. Even when we broke into her house and saw it in perfect condition with all of their stuff gone. Even when the neighbors told us they saw them leave in a moving van.

We all knew it had to be a lie. Kiarra would never just leave without so much as a goodbye. If it came down to it, she would’ve sneaked out and told us beforehand.

It wasn’t until the years passed did doubt grow and festered into something else, making us think maybe she did leave us.

All without so much as a fucking goodbye.

That maybe we just imagined the bond we all had together. We were only kids, after all.

“Hey, I’m talking to you.”

Younger me ignores Trent but the little fucker keeps on trying to push him to react.

“Where’s your little girlfriend?” I freeze and catch my younger self doing the same and then smile when I remember what I did next.

“You scared her away, didn’t you?”

I can see the storm build in my eyes the longer he talks about Kiarra. My little body starts shaking from the slow build of rage inside me.

“She probably left because of you.”

Hitting too close to home, younger me snaps out and decks the fucker, giving him a broken nose.

I remember how good it felt to feel someone else suffer when I was drowning in it.

Trent curses out in pain, his eyes watering from the hard hit. Instead of crying about it, he looks down, noticing the blood, and gets pissed. “You’ll pay for that.”

Younger me steps forward ready to beat the shit out of him, not caring either way when my little wolf rises up wanting to join in on the fun as blood thirsty as me, even at that age.

But turns out Trent is just a bully that’s all talk as he stumbles back a step, the look on his scared shitless face, fucking priceless.

The smell of urine permits the air, as the little bully wets himself. His eyes widen in horror as he stumbles back another step before spinning around and running away.

“Freak!” he shouts over his shoulder before he disappears out of the park.

I shake my head at the dick and turn back to little me. He sits back down on the swing and starts fucking crying like a big baby.

I sigh, getting down to eye level with him. “Come on. It’s not that bad.” But I remember at that age, it couldn’t get any worse.

“Why did she have to go?” he mumbles to himself, the tears growing as he rubs his chest.

I remember feeling like there was a wide gaping hole there, like something was ripped from me but too young to realize it was the bond and my mate being taken from me.

I wish I could shake him out of it and tell him in the end it all worked out. That going through everything after this was worth having her now… worth having his family back.

But if there’s one thing I could change…

As if I’d summoned the memory up myself, the landscape starts to change and shift beneath my feet. The world around me moves by in a blink, and before I know it, I’m back home.

Not a real home, but the place me and Luka were born.

Younger me is a little older but still as sad and fucking heartbroken. But now there’s a dark look hidden in his eyes, one that he tries to cover with humor.

Liam, Benji, and Joel, my three idiot cousins, surround me as I stand there ready to shift. I knew I’d get my ass beat by my parents if I shifted in to my shadow wolf even if it was just to defend myself. But the beating was always worth it when I overpowered them and took them down a notch or two.

Even at that age, my shadow wolf was more powerful than the three of them combined.

But before younger me gets a chance to teach them a lesson, Luna runs up to him with a scared look on her face.

She’s the only one Luka and I cared about here. The only one that treated us like people instead of pariahs.

“You need to hurry. Luka’s in trouble.”

Luka’s in trouble. I remember my heart fucking stopping when I heard those three little words just before I ran as fast as I could with Luna to replace my brother.

I move forward, trying to catch up with them when the world around me spins and tilts, but this time when I open my eyes, I’m inside little me, watching the memory unfold as a passenger.

But one who can feel everything, just like that day.

I run to a metal door that looks like it grew from the forest surroundings, most of it covered in dirt and vegetation.

“I can’t… I can’t go in. I’m sorry, Jax.” Luna gives younger me one more frightened look before turning and running away.

I didn’t blame her. Not for running or not helping. She was better off staying far away from all this, anyway.

My younger wolf picks up a scream. A scream that sounds all too like my twin, the pain in it alone making me rush forward.

A strength I didn’t realize I had, rises up inside me. I act on instinct, snapping the lock, and move inside.

My heart rate picks up speed as I try to figure out where to go in the dark. My wolf senses my struggle, coming to the surface so I get a good look at my surroundings.

I’m in a long hall with a gray floor and white walls similar to a hospital. There are a couple of doors along the way, but my wolf senses don’t pick up any sound from them.

I keep moving, following the murmurs and screams and trying to stay as quiet as possible. The best way to get Luka away from whoever has him is by catching them off guard.

The hall leads to an open room. A room that’s nearly as dark as the hall outside, but in the middle of the room there’s a metal table, one with Luka strapped down with ropes.

Our so-called fucking uncle Cillian is there standing over him with a dagger in his hand, mumbling a language I’ve never heard before.

I slink closer to them until the stench of blood assaults my senses and a haze of red enters my vision.

Before I know it, I’ve shifted and my wolf is on top of Cillian, ripping a chunk out of the fucker’s neck.

Thinking the fucker is dead, I shift back and turn to my twin.

“Brother, it’s me. It’s me. I’m here.” My voice breaks as I try to get Luka to see me, to hear me, but he’s so lost in his pain he can’t.

My hands shake as I reach for the ropes, flinching back when they fucking burn me. My eyes whip to Luka’s face and then back to where the ropes touch his skin, where they’re leaving it raw from whatever spell is on them.

Gritting my teeth, I place both my hands on them and pull. I pull and pull until my hands feel like I’ve placed them in open flames. I keep pulling when the burn turns sharp, slicing into every nerve in my hands leaving them raw red. I pull until eventually they tear and break, freeing Luka.

By the time it’s done, Luka has stopped screaming, his eyes in a daze as he glances around him like he’s not really seeing anything.

“I’m here, brother. I’m going to get you out of here.” I help Luka off the metal table, placing his arm around my shoulders and basically carry him out of there, spitting on the piece of shit on my way out.

“Jax?” Luka’s voice is barely a whisper, his voice raw from screaming so much.

I swallow hard before speaking while I keep us both moving forward and far away from our so-called families. “It’s me. I’ve got you.”

I grit my teeth, supporting Luka’s frame while heading out of the torture chamber he was in. “Where are we going?”

We start through the forest, going in the opposite direction I came.

“We’re leaving. Now. And we’re never coming back here. I’d rather be homeless than…” Than letting anyone hurt him again.

Luka nods before wincing.

“What’s wrong?” I cringe when I realize how stupid of a question it is. Every inch of his body is probably in pain.

“I just need to sit for a minute.”

I replace a patch of forest with soft vegetation and help him ease down onto it. His hands shake as he hunches forward.

I feel so helpless not knowing where to touch, as every part of him looks fragile right now. My eyes catch a drip of blood as it lands on the forest floor. I follow its source, replaceing the back of Luka’s black shirt drenched in sweat… No, not sweat. Blood.

With my own hands shaking, as gently as possible, I lift the back of his top up. I don’t get further than a couple of inches, the extent of the damage done visible even this far down. Not only are there fresh scars but there’re also older scars sitting right underneath them making my heart sink.

How long was this going on for? All without me even knowing my twin was in pain.

Luka turns to me, catching the fucking devastated look on my face. My eyes burn, the lump in my throat following it as I try to get my shit together long enough to get an answer.

“Why, Luka?” My voice is raw, the pain behind it making it sound like I was the one broken here.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Luka drops his head to his hands. The slight shake from his shoulders telling me he’s crying. I don’t know what to do to ease his mental pain right now, and I can’t even fucking touch him without hurting him, so I do what I do best; fuck it up more and push him for an answer.

“I could’ve helped you. I would’ve done something.”

“Like what?” Luka lifts his head and looks away, but I catch the pained look on his face, his eyes rimmed-red and swollen. “We’re just kids. We couldn’t even replace our… We couldn’t even replace Kiarra.”

“We’re not just kids. We’re fucking wolves, shadow wolves, making us a hell of a lot more powerful than any of them.”

Luka’s shoulders drop, as if the weight he’s been carrying is too heavy to bear. “Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe we shouldn’t have this…. power. Maybe Cillian was right… Maybe we are evil.”

Hell-to-the-fucking-no!

“Look at me now, brother, because when I tell you this, I need you to see the fucking truth on my face.”

It takes a moment, but Luka eventually shifts, wincing as he turns to look at me, his eyes dipping every now and again as if he can’t even bear to look me in the eye.

I move forward until I’m face-to-face with him. Until he can see every fucking line and expression on my face and in my eyes.

“Nothing, and I mean nothing, Cillian or any of those fuckers told you is true. Not a single fucking word.”

I gently place my hands on his shoulders, continuing to look him dead square in the eyes.

“You. Are. Not. Evil. There isn’t a fucking evil bone in your body.” The vehemence in my voice makes him flinch, but I continue on, knowing he needs to hear this. Hear just how much I believe how wrong they all are.

“Just stop for a moment and think about it, brother. Who was the one that strapped you down to a table and did that to your back?” I wait for Luka to answer me, to see the truth himself. But maybe that psychotic asshole has already dug deep into his mind, and maybe it’s going to take a lot longer than a few words to make him believe me.

I glance back at the direction we came, wondering how many of them I could take out and make it back before Luka notices.

Maybe I should wait until night—

“He said…” Luka swallows, frowning. “He said… he was going to rid the evil abomination from my body. That we’re cursed and never meant to be born.”

Rid the evil… from his fucking body. The evil…

My eyes grow wider with each of Luka’s words and the meaning behind them. Cillian wasn’t just fucking torturing Luka; he was trying to remove his fucking wolf.

I swallow hard but no matter how many times I do, I can’t swallow past the hard lump in my throat, or stop the heavy lead in my stomach growing heavier as it sits there switching from ice to flames.

I glance back in the direction we came.

Fuck it. I’m burning them all. The entire fucking place. They can all go to hell and if it comes to it, I’ll fucking greet them when they arrive, ready to fuck up their lives all over again.

I get up, my wolf riding me hard, ready for a shift, when a hand lands on my shoulder, making me pause.

I look over my shoulder as Luka sways. “Don’t leave.” His grip tightens as he uses my body to keep himself up.

I clench my fists, wanting to punch a hole through something. Preferably Cillian’s face over and over until it’s nothing but bits and pieces. “Luka, they—”

“I can’t… shift.”

The knot in my chest starts to grow and tighten, traveling up my chest as it chokes me.

I thought I made it in time.

It’s not supposed to be possible. Luka would be… dead. But I never checked. I never checked or asked… I just fucking assumed I made it…

I turn to Luka, my eyes wide. “Luka… Please tell me he didn’t…”

Luka shakes his head. “No, he didn’t…” Luka swallows as I try to calm myself and stop my heart from jumping out of my fucking chest.

“But…” But the idiot says, and my heart kicks up a notch as I go into full panic mode.

“But what? But what, Luka?” I search his eyes, trying to replace the answer myself, but see nothing but pain, so much pain.

“Fucking tell me already,” I beg.

“He… split us.”

Split? My head reels back as if someone has punched me. He… split them…

What does that mean?

I glance up, about to ask, when Luka tells me.

“I don’t… I don’t think I’m whole anymore, brother.” Luka’s voice is raw, broken.

I freeze. I freeze and then I move until I’m in front of the nearest tree, slamming my fist into it as hard as I can. The impact and speed of the punch send a vibration that ripples up through it, making it shatter instead of breaking and falling.

Pieces of branch and tree fall around me as I eye up my next target.

I slam, punch, and kick everything around me until there’s nothing but broken branches and flames around us. Until the outside of the forest feels like the inside of me.

All broken, blackened, and burned.

“Are you done?” Luka asks, his voice drained of any emotion. A mirror to his physical appearance.

I heave a breath, each one burning my throat as I let the rage consume me. “No. I want to go back there.” I take a step forward, ready to let them all see it too. Let them see my rage before they feel it.

“If we do, I’ll never make it out of there.”

I stop in my tracks, my body tensing up as I realize the truth of Luka’s words.

Damn it.

He’s right. I won’t be able to protect him if I go back trying to burn them all. Whatever they did to him has made it so he can’t shift right now. Whether that’s permanent is another thing.

Thinking of it alone makes the rage burn hotter. It burns through my body until there’s nothing but devastation left behind.

Devastation and guilt. So much guilt it devours the rage leaving a pit of agony behind.

“I should’ve got there sooner. If I had run faster or—”

“It’s not your fault.”

I laugh, but I’m anything but amused. Of course, it’s my fault. If I had seen the signs earlier, I could’ve stopped it from happening. If I hadn’t been so absorbed in my own problems, then maybe none of this would have gone so far.

It’s not your fault… Yeah, right. Of course, he’d say that. After all, the idiot believes it’s his fault.

“But it’s yours, right? It’s yours for being born a shadow wolf.” Luka looks down at his hands growing silent.

I shake my head at him, or the world. I didn’t know. Maybe fucking both at this point.

Why couldn’t he just see what’s right in front of him?

“I’m a shadow wolf too, brother.” Luka’s eyes widen as if he just realizes that little fact.

“Am I evil too?” I ask, my tone low.

Luka shakes his head. “Of course not.”

“Then why do you think you are?”

He clenches his jaw, looking away. But I’m not letting him off that easily.

“Why Luka?” I demand.

He whips around to me, wincing at the quick move but there’s finally color in his cheeks as he directs his anger at me. The sight alone makes the tightness in my chest ease slightly.

“I don’t know, okay!” He growls, shaking his head but giving me hope.

“Maybe because it’s my fault.” He punches his chest, each slam making me wince as his internal pain and rage finally surface .

“It’s all my fault because I let him get to me. I let him get inside my head and even now I can hear his voice telling me how much better everything will be when he fixes me.”

“There’s nothing to fucking fix,” I spit out.

I watch as Luka quickly loses that temper, his body sagging as he sits down, curling his knees up to himself.

I move toward him, taking a seat next to him. He looks at me with tears in his eyes before they dip, as if he can’t hold my gaze. Like he’s ashamed of something.

But he has no reason to feel shame. Not for what that monster did to him.

I open my mouth to tell him as much when his soft voice stops me.

“He made it sound like I was giving something extra by mistake and that if he just removed it, our lives would be so much better. That mother and father would finally love us.”

Luka sighs. “Like that would ever happen.”

I swallow hard at the emotion in his voice. “We don’t need their love. We just need each other.”

We just need each other…

The world shifts, tilting on its axis. I blink and I’m back in the park it started in, all grown up, but still feeling the pain my younger self felt as if it only happened moments ago.

I drop to my knees, catching myself as I dip my head forward.

What a fucking emotional rollercoaster that was.

I let the image of Cillian bleeding from his neck play over and over in my mind until I get myself together. Too bad the fucker lived.

It isn’t until later that we replace out he survived the attack. Not even a scar left behind thanks to his shifter abilities.

It was another thing I had to add to the ever-growing list of regrets I still have.

Fuck.

Watching everything happen all over again was fucking surreal. But looking back now gives me a whole other perspective on it.

We were just kids, and even though I experienced a lot more than most at that age, I didn’t understand everything either. How could I?

Thinking about how I told Luka that he shouldn’t be feeling guilt or shame for anything makes me sound like a fucking idiot when I turned around and did the exact same thing.

I blamed myself and felt nothing but guilt and shame for not being there. To this day, I still feel fucking guilty for not being there for him…

Feeling guilty for something that was out of my control.

I used to think I could’ve protected him when I was younger. That if I had gotten there sooner or found out about everything before it all kicked off, then I could’ve stopped it.

But the truth of it is that there probably would have been two metal tables in that room instead of one.

And even though I will always choose to be by my brother’s side no matter what, I’m also glad I was able to get him and us out of there. Something that might not have happened if we were both in that basement.

There’ll never be anything I can do to go back and change Luka’s or Kiarra’s past but they’re alive and surrounded by family now.

They’re happy and safe.

I let those four little words repeat over and over in my head until I start to feel them. Until they take root in my chest and heart and grow, spreading out to every inch of my body.

They’re happy and safe…

And I’m going to make damn sure they have a good life from here on out. To make up for all the pain they went through.

I can’t change the past, but I sure as hell can change the future.

A heaviness that I didn’t realize was sitting on me, lifts, making me feel lighter than I did before.

Standing up, I watch my surroundings brighten, just like my thoughts.

A new world opens up inside my mind, shining light on everything I thought was real. When it was really just my guilt and pain talking. Pain I’ve been holding on for far too long.

But I think it’s finally time to let it go…