Elf Against the Wall: A Holiday Romantic Comedy (The Wynter Brothers Book 2)
Elf Against the Wall: Chapter 13

“Ireally,” I said into the satellite phone, “need you to keep better track of your shit.”

“Not every drone is a winner,” Lawrence replied lightly. “The GPS says it should be like fiftyish feet in front of you.”

I cursed as I tramped through the ankle-high snow.

Overnight, the clouds had dumped a fair amount in the mountains around Maplewood Falls.

The mountains surrounding the north side of town were favorite spots for camping, hiking, and of course secret meeting places for affair partners.

Why not take your mistress into the romantic secluded woods around the falls? Who’s going to replace out?

Me, that was who.

I’d taken a break from clearing off my ledger to do some actual work.

Hudson had dumped several cheating-scandal jobs on me. Rich, spoiled Manhattan investment bankers thought that Maplewood Falls in Rhode Island was far enough away from New York City that they could safely stash and visit their mistresses without their wives and children replaceing out.

They could not.

We had hours of very clear footage of a man living out his midlife crisis with his brother-in-law’s nanny. We’d gotten the evidence we needed, then an eagle had seen the drone in its territory and attacked. It had come down in a tree, and I had to use to fancy rope work to retrieve it.

“We’re fair and square now,” my brother said cheerfully on the call. “When’s the next big break-and-enter?”

I swore as I slid down the embankment, the drone secure in my backpack.

“I have Evie primed. Need to do a little on-site recon, then I’ll let you know the go date.”

“Are you going to make it?” Apprehension filled his voice. We all knew who Aaron really was—and who his father was.

My eyes narrowed as I peered through the snow flurries. “Yeah, I’ll make it.”

On the ridge above me, I saw a lone figure in a red coat, hand extended above her, jumping up and down.

“I’ll see you back at the field office.”

Evie was shivering slightly and jabbing her mittened fingers at the touch screen of her phone when I finally made it to the clearing where she and her family had had their dumb little picnic.

Glad my brothers and I didn’t do festive shit like that—though Hudson’s girlfriend was threatening to make us decorate the Christmas tree at their house.

“Little girls in red coats shouldn’t be out in the woods all alone,” I said by way of announcing my arrival. “There are dangerous men out here.”

Evie yelped in surprise, which set off Snowball, who charged at me.

I was ready for the little dog and scooped her up to my chest, where she thrashed.

Evie swung her feet over the bench to stand up.

“You are stalking me, aren’t you?” she demanded.

I handed her the Pomeranian. “Like I don’t have anything better to do with my time than follow you around while you get all bent out of shape trying to have the perfect Christmas.”

“You’re just jealous.”

“Of what?”

“I have years of happy Christmas memories, and you have none. I have a big family, and we do fun events together. We’re close-knit,” she rattled off like she was parroting the party line. “Everyone wants to be part of the Murphy family. In high school, our house was the one everyone wanted to hang out at. My family is the greatest. We have big reunions and holiday get-togethers, and it’s a warm, loving family.”

“It sounds like a fucking cult. You all have children trapped in the basement?”

“You’re the one with a criminal record.” Her words were a whip crack in the cold. “You’re the one who has a history of violence. You’re the one who’s trying to ruin my family.”

My lip curled up in a sneer. “News flash, Gingersnap, I don’t have to ruin anything. They suck. Your whole family is fucking toxic, and so are you for making excuses for them.”

“You take that back!”

“Sure, I’ll take it back just as soon as they remember that they forgot you out here and come pick you up. I’m sure it will be any minute now.” I tapped my military orienteering watch.

The wind whistled forlornly through the trees. In a few hours, it would be dark.

Her face fell.

“They’re coming back.” Her words were emphatic, but her eyes looked worried.

Don’t get involved. Remember what happened the last time you got involved.

“Good luck with that.” I hoisted the rifle over my shoulder and turned to leave.

Snow crunched behind me. “Wait. Uh…”

I looked over my shoulder expectantly.

“I just was wondering”—she shivered as the wind picked up—“were you out here hunting?”

“This?” I tapped the rifle. “This is just in case I see a mountain lion.”

“We don’t have those in Rhode Island.”

“Not officially, no, but I’ve seen them. Mostly rogue male cats looking for territory they can claim.”

She trembled.

“Poor choice of words.” I gave her a toothy smile.

Evie looked up through the trees at the sun low in the sky.

Leave.

I took a step toward the tree line.

“Did you…” Her voice sounded small in the vast snowy landscape. “Did you like the sandwich?”

You mean one of the best fucking things I’ve ever eaten? And it was somehow miraculously still a little warm?

“When you’re done ruining people’s marriages, Gingersnap, maybe you can open up a café.”

She stuck her tongue out at me.

“I bet it was Felicity’s fault I got left out here.” Evie headed back to the picnic tables and slumped onto a bench. “I guess you want to go home.”

Home? I didn’t really have any place to call home. Hadn’t in a long time.

Snowball jumped onto her lap, tucking her small paws under her belly so that she looked like her namesake.

It was freezing. Evie’d been out here about as long as I had, which was hours at this point. Just sitting there at the picnic table, not moving? She could easily get too cold, then it was all over.

“If you don’t mind walking, I can drive you home. To your parents’ house.” I forced out the offer.

“Thank you, but they’re coming back for me. They have to realize eventually.”

“Did they call?” I asked, but I knew the answer. Phone signal up here wasn’t great, and with the snow? I’d bet she hadn’t managed to send even a text message out.

After marching over to her, I grabbed her upper arm, hoisting her out of her seat. She already felt a little stiff.

“You don’t have to tell me,” I said as she protested. “I already know the answer.”

Evie’s shorter legs were having trouble keeping up with me through the deep snow. Not to mention that she insisted on carting a big bushel of branches with her.

“Just dump the greens, and let’s go,” I called back. “I’d have already been at the truck by now if I didn’t have this dead weight.”

“You’re a horrible knight in shining armor,” Evie retorted, adjusting the branches on her back. “Just go on ahead if you’re that annoyed.”

I made a disgusted noise.

“Yeah, that’s really going to look good when yet another Murphy child turns up half-dead in my company.”

I walked back and took the branches from her. After taking out a bungee cord from my backpack, I secured them to the bag and adjusted it on my shoulder.

“Thanks,” Evie said. “You didn’t have to.”

“I did if I don’t want to be out here all night.”

I looked down at the tiny dog, steam clouding around its nose like the world’s smallest, cutest demon.

“You sure you don’t want to carry her?”

“She will outwalk us all then eat our frozen bodies,” Evie declared.

My mouth twitched into a smile before I could stop it.

Evie was trailing farther and farther behind me.

“We aren’t actually walking that far,” I told Evie impatiently as Snowball raced back to her then spun and raced a few feet ahead of me.

“This is far. We’ve been walking for ages.”

“It’s only been two miles, and I’m carrying all your sticks and leaves.”

Evie rallied to catch up with me then kept pace for a few minutes until she started to lag.

“Do you really think you can help me?” she asked, breaking the muffled sounds of our footsteps. “My family is already freezing me out.” She sniffled. “Next year, I’ll be completely alone.”

“Save the crying for someone who cares.”

“You’re an asshole, you know.” She rushed again to catch up with me.

“Damn right.”

“I hope you never have a girlfriend or children. You’d make Christmas miserable for the whole family.”

The words stung more than I wanted them to, dredging up memories of my father being a dick while we were just trying to scrounge something together for the younger kids to have a Christmas.

“Like Christmas would be any better with you.” I went on the attack. “You’d force your poor kids to be subjected to your mother while she spoiled her real grandchildren and left your kids to fight for crumbs.”

“That was mean,” she said after a moment.

“Don’t forget who you’re talking to.”

Crash!

Evie stumbled behind me, falling face-first in the snow.

“I can’t fucking take this anymore.”

“Sorry.” She wiped at her face with snowy mittens. “I have phone signal now, but none of my family even noticed I’m missing. No calls or messages or anything.”

“I’m not your therapist, Gingersnap. I don’t care. You want to cry over those people, that’s between you and your personality disorder, but I’m not going to freeze to death out here with you while you self-actualize.”

“Don’t touch me!” she yelped as I grabbed her around the knees then tossed her over my shoulder in a fireman’s hold. “Put me down.” Her legs kicked ineffectively.

Between my annoyance and the desire to finally get the hell out of these woods, I traversed the next mile easily.

“You can put me down now. I see the car.” She tapped me on the head with her mitten.

I ignored her.

“Why’d you even park all the way down here, anyway?”

Because I didn’t want to tip off the cheating banker.

“Because I didn’t think I was going to be leaving with extra cargo.” I set her down next to the passenger door of my brother’s truck, which I’d borrowed.

Opening up the cover on the bed, I stuck in her branches, my backpack, and the rifle, then I got into the cab of the truck.

As soon as the truck rumbled to life, Evie turned the heat and the radio on full blast.

Snowball howled along with the chipmunks singing their hearts out for a Christmas present.

I turned it off.

Evie turned it back on.

I snarled at her.

She sighed loudly and hit the power button.

“You are the least fun person I have ever met.” Evie crossed her arms and stared out the window at the snowy woods.

“People don’t hire me for fun, Gingersnap. Speaking of—”

Her phone rang.

“Finally! Oh my gosh, I—” Her voice fell as someone spoke angrily on the other end of the line. “No, I didn’t—” She sighed. “I’m on my way.”

“You can just drop me off here,” she said as the truck approached her mom’s house.

“I can drop you at the front door. It’s not like you’re really saving me time if I drop you off a few houses down.”

“I insist.” Her voice was shrill.

I ignored her and pulled up in front of her parents’ house.

As I was unloading while she was antsy next to me, the front door opened, and an angry redhead stormed out.

“So even though you knew that the triplets have a very important day tomorrow and that Brooke Taylor is coming. Instead of helping, you ran off with your boyfriend,” Evie’s mom scolded her.

“He is not my—” Evie puffed up.

“I told you, we’re just sleeping together,” I interjected before she could blow my cover, especially since Braeden was approaching with Henry, because of course those two would be friends.

“Mel.” Dr. Murphy put a hand on his irate wife. “Evie, we don’t care if you want to ruin your life with him.” He looked at me like I was a slug that had crawled onto his perfect lawn. “But you are not putting him before your family commitments.”

I barked out a laugh. “Seriously?”

“Yes, seriously, Anderson.” Her father said my name like a curse. “Unlike you, we Murphys instilled honor, decency, and loyalty into our children. Or we tried to, anyway.”

Evie was shrinking into herself.

This is not your battle.

But when could I ever resist a lost cause?

“Honor? Loyalty? Fuck you. You all left her in the middle of the woods to freeze.” I moved in front of Evie.

Her father took a hesitant step back.

“Anderson, just drop it.”

I ignored Evie’s hands on my back. “You’re lucky she’s here at all.”

“Is that some sort of a threat?” Henry snarled at me, coming to stand next to his father.

It took everything in me not to punch him in the face.

Unlike his father, he didn’t step back when I got in his face.

I lowered my voice. “‘Forget’ her in the woods again, and we’ll replace out.”

“Evie!” Three identical redheaded young women raced out of the house to gather around the shorter woman.

“Oh my gosh, stop fluffing your boyfriend and come help us decorate!” one of them, wearing a green shirt, teased.

“Yeah, we can’t make the garland like you do.”

“Mom was trying to show us—”

“But it looked so bad when Alissa tried.”

“There’s, like, twine sticking out.”

“Also, we want to do the lights like the Jefferson mansion.”

“Yeah, Brooke Taylor always does, like, an intro shot, and we want it to look cute!”

“I’m coming,” Evie said, giving me a look I couldn’t read.

I dragged the bundle of sticks and branches out of the back of the truck and brushed past Henry to follow Evie into the house.

In the kitchen, there was garland strewn all over the place. Christmas carols blared, and cookies were burning in the oven.

“Shoot!” Evie ran to grab them.

The smoke alarm shrieked as soon as she opened the oven.

“They were trying to bake,” one of Evie’s cousins said from where she was painting her nails at the kitchen island.

“The oven’s too hot. Did you even read the recipe?”

“Couldn’t replace it, and you wouldn’t answer your phone.”

“Guess we know why.” At least one of her sisters had the wherewithal to look guilty.

“Yeah, sorry, Evie.”

“We honestly thought you were in another car and maybe had gone over with the rest of them to Uncle Ross’s house to watch the hockey match.”

I opened the door to the back porch and reached up to fan a towel at the smoke detector until it stopped beeping.

Evie was giving me that weird look again.

“What?”

Her sisters giggled.

“You’re very tall,” one of them said.

Evie rocked on her feet.

“No.”

“Just a few lights?” She gave me a pained smile. “I’ll feed you.”

“She’s a great cook.” Her sisters yapped over one another.

“Please?” one of them begged. “We’re already behind. Brooke’s coming early tomorrow.”

“Your lack of planning is not my emergency.”

One of her cousins giggled. “I mean, it is a little bit. You were responsible for at least some of the delay.” She waggled her eyebrows at Evie, who pursed her lips. “Besides, you have a whole tool shed on your truck.”

Hudson was in the process of renovating his house. As such, he did—it was true—have a tool shed in the truck.

“Just two strands, then you can leave?” Evie clasped her hands together.

“Depends on what’s for dinner.”

“Roast beef with a really rich, creamy gravy, pan-roasted carrots, garlic-and-cheddar mashed potatoes, green beans, caramelized onion rolls, and cinnamon twists for dessert.”

Unbidden, my stomach growled.

Did I really want to eat another soggy sandwich and stale chips for dinner?

“Fine. Two strands.”

I followed Evie back through the house, where her family was haphazardly hanging decorations.

“This is what we’re going for.” Evie showed me a photo on her phone when we stood in the yard in front of the house.

“That is more than stringing a few lights, Gingersnap.”

“But it’s Brooke Taylor!”

“Not sure why you even need me. Looks like you have it under control.” I nodded up to the dramatic roofline.

On the roof, Braeden was working hard to make a puncture wound that would eventually leak water into the Murphys’ precious historic Victorian house.

He raised the hammer for the killing shot…

Not your problem.

…then missed, the motion sending him sliding down the slate tiles.

Evie winced as her ex landed in a heap on a snowy bush next to the house.

I went over to the groaning man and dragged him up by the collar of his shirt.

“You dropped this.” I handed him his iPhone back after taking a long look.

He took it, scowling at the snickering onlookers who had arrived.

“I bet the dash cam caught the whole thing,” a young man who looked like a leaner version of Henry said.

Braedon stomped off.

“Not staying for the tree trimming?” the woman who’d arrived with the redhead asked.

Braeden ignored her. The baby in her arms babbled.

“Ooh, the real celebrity showed up.” Evie cooed a hello at the baby with its shock of red hair.

“I promised Declan I’d come for the tree trimming,” the young mother said to Evie.

“I’m just going to get the lights strung up, then I’ll join you, Raegan. It will only take a minute.”

“Like hell you’re climbing up on the roof,” I growled to her. “You could barely manage to walk in the snow.”

In the photo, the lights were looped like icing on a gingerbread house.

“I’ll do it,” I said, twisting off my jacket and heading to the truck for the tools.

“You’re going to be sorry,” I warned one of Evie’s sisters, who was trying to hang a heavy bough of greenery over a doorway. I headed back through the house from grabbing more clips from Granny Doyle, whom Evie had sent to the store. “You need to use a tap screw, or you’ll bust the plaster.”

“Just do the bows.” Melissa chided the girl.

As much as I disliked Evie’s mom, at least she was effective at decorating. Her areas of operation were neat, clean, and organized, and she hung garland with military precision, though she kept getting sidetracked with questions and micromanaging.

The rest of her family? They sucked.

They spent more time drinking and eating the snacks Evie had prepared than actually decorating.

“Here’s the next run of garland.” Evie hurried into the foyer as I was halfway up the stairs, three dozen feet of garland draped around her like a shawl.

Her sisters untangled it from her, then Evie raced up the stairs after me.

I paused on the stairs, box of lights in my arms, waiting for her.

She grinned at me. “Open your mouth.”

“No.”

“Just open it.”

She jammed in two fingers, then there was an explosion of flavor on my tongue.

“Thought you needed a snack.”

“What is that?” The words were muffled around whatever food witchcraft she’d given me.

“Knodel! A German dumpling. I stuff mine with a little gravy, some red cabbage, and pork belly. Good, aren’t they? You were looking a little hangry.”

“I’m not hangry. The Christmas music is giving me a migraine.”

“That’s what I was saying!” Granny Doyle yelled.

“It’s not the music,” Evie’s angry grandmother shouted back. “It’s the amount of peppermint schnapps you’re drinking.”

“Evie, something’s wrong with the lights on the tree!” Melissa was shrill.

“Did you check the bulb?” her daughter called from below me, where she was feeding me strands of the oversize light bulbs in between twisting garland.

This wasn’t my first rodeo of festooning a house in Christmas lights. Any blue-collar male in Maplewood Falls between the ages of thirteen and thirty-five counted on the extra money he made installing Christmas lights on the houses in the rich part of town to pad out the year-end finances. I could and had done it in my sleep.

“I’ll come down and take a look in a minute,” Evie promised as I reached into my leather tool belt for another black plastic clip to attach the lights to the roof ridge.

“Braeden thinks it’s something Anderson is doing out here.”

“I didn’t touch the breaker, if that’s what you’re asking,” I called down, still not fucking believing I was putting up lights all over Evie Murphy’s parents’ house. But what could I do? Let her on the roof and have her break her neck, costing me my one shot to clear my ledger?

Swinging down from the roof of the dormer, I tucked then jumped into the bedroom through the window.

“And no jacket.” Her mom tutted.

“Do you want me to look at your lights or not, lady?”

The living room was in a state of disarray, half-empty boxes of Christmas ornaments and tissue paper strewn everywhere.

Evie disappeared to check on dinner, which was filling the house with mouthwatering smells.

Melissa flicked a switch. The tree stayed dark.

“I think he tripped a breaker,” Braeden said from where he was looking up incorrect information on his phone.

“We checked all the lights, of course,” Melissa said as I used a voltage detector to test the strand.

“Just buy a new set of lights,” I told her.

“But all the ornaments are on the tree,” one of Evie’s siblings protested.

“This site says it’s the plug,” Braeden insisted. “You just need to splice it.”

“And then burn down the tree and your house?” I opened up the toolbox. Hudson was like me. He had never escaped the habit developed from decorating hundreds of houses and kept all sorts of little bits in the toolbox for fixing light strands.

“Look.” Braeden held up another strand of lights and a wire cutter. “We’re just going to splice this new plug onto the old one—”

“Drop it!” I bellowed.

Granny Doyle slapped Braeden.

“Bit—” Braeden caught himself at my furious glance. “Ow!” He rubbed his head.

I grabbed the wire cutters from him along with the strand of lights. “This was plugged in.”

“You should have just let him cut it.” Granny Doyle cackled. “Then we’d really get a light show.”

“Gran,” Evie said from the living room doorway.

Braeden glanced up at her arrival. I wanted to punch the possessive expression off his face.

After checking to make sure that none of the lights on the tree were plugged into anything hot, I used a tiny screwdriver to pop off the plastic housing on the plug.

“I told you it was the plug,” Evie’s ex brayed as I worked out the tiny fuse. “I could have done that.”

In two seconds, I had a new fuse in and the cover back on.

“Let there be light,” Declan said dramatically as I plugged it in.

The tree lit up.

“Wow!” Evie’s eyes sparkled in the colorful light from the tree. “You fixed it!”

“Sure is nice having a man who’s actually useful around here,” Granny Doyle declared.

Dr. Murphy took an annoyed sip of his drink.

“You should put the star on the tree.” Declan’s wife held out the tree topper to me. “Since you saved Christmas.”

Melissa snatched it back. “He will do no such thing. Besides, we’re not done decorating. The tree topper is the last thing to be done.”

Raegan and Declan exchanged tense looks.

“Mom, can you just let Anderson do it?” Declan asked in a resigned tone. “He did save us a lot of time. It would have been a nightmare to try to take off all those ornaments.”

I wasn’t going to be dragged into the middle of their family shit.

“Hard pass. I don’t actually do Christmas, and I certainly don’t hang tree toppers.”

“You must really be putting out, then,” Granny Doyle said to Evie, “to get a man to do this much free labor.”

I did not finish before the dark set in.

“You know, I don’t blame you, Brian,” Granny Doyle said to her son-in-law. “Your father never got off his lazy ass to do any of the fem work, as the kids say. So of course you don’t know how to lay down Christmas lights.”

Declan whistled. “Look at how straight they are. It’s like a machine did it.”

“It’s only half-done, and Brooke is coming in the morning,” Melissa complained.

“I think it’s good enough, Mom.” Declan sighed.

“Some of us don’t leave jobs half-done.”

“You’re not exactly paying the man.”

“Evie is.” Granny Doyle waggled her eyebrows at her granddaughter.

“Is it dinnertime yet?” Evie’s cousins complained.

“I need to make the gravy and warm up the rolls. The meat should be done soon, but it has to rest. Oh!” Evie exclaimed as I headed to my truck. “You’re not staying for dinner? I guess you probably had plans. At least let me make you a plate.”

I cranked the truck and turned on the high beams.

Evie’s family groaned as the lights blinded them and lit up the whole front of the house.

I slipped on a pair of sunglasses and scrambled back up the ladder to finish the lower parts of the roof.

Like I said, not my first Christmas rodeo.

“Let’s do this.” I couldn’t help the twitch of my mouth as Evie’s family, sans her parents, all cheered.

“Lights.” I clapped my hands at Evie.

She handed up the next roll of lights. “How did you—”

“Some of us plan ahead, Gingersnap.”

It took another two hours to finish the house.

Evie came out as I was stashing the ladder in the bed of the pickup.

“I can’t wait to see!” She jumped up and down in excitement, riling up Snowball, who barked, her four feet lifting off the snow with each yip.

I tried hard not to let her joy infect me as I flipped the switch and lit up the house.

Evie’s eyes were shining as I went to stand next to her, but she wasn’t looking at the house. She was looking at me.

No, she’s not. She’s looking at the house, dipshit.

“This is the best it’s ever looked,” she breathed as we stood there staring up at the house decorated like a postcard.

“If I was twenty years younger, I’d have been up there with you.” One of her uncles chortled. “Fantastic job.”

“You shouldn’t get so bent up about a bunch of lights.” I crossed my arms.

Evie thumped her fist on my ribcage. “Don’t be so modest. You did amazing.” I could hear the smile in her words.

“He’s never going to do another thing for you again unless you feed him!” Granny Doyle called.

“Steak and a blow job at a minimum,” one of her uncles joked as he handed me a beer.

His wife glared at him until he shrank.

Evie was crestfallen when we walked back in through the living room.

“You put the star on the tree without me?”

“It was a contentious political issue.” Declan’s wife rolled her eyes.

“Don’t smile at the bad man.” Grandma Shirley was cooing to Evie’s niece, who babbled, reaching toward me.

“Grab a plate,” Evie said as her brothers herded their family in varying states of inebriation into the massive dining room, where garland was draped from the chandelier along the ceiling.

The scene was beautiful—Evie there, holiday apron on as she handed out china decorated with vintage Christmas patterns.

“I thought you said I could take mine to go,” I reminded her over the din of her hungry family.

“Oh!” She was taken aback. “You don’t want to stay and eat while it’s hot?”

“I just spent the last five hours dealing with you and those lights. No, I don’t want to eat dinner with your fucking family.”