Extracts from The Diaries of 'Professor' Cornelius Crane
May 2nd, 1968

Next week,May 9, will be my 9th birthday.

My mother seems more excited about it than me.She’s given me a bunch of invitations that I need to hand out to my friends atschool, inviting them to a party at my house. The big problem is that I don’thave any. I replace all the kids at school, childish, irritating and downrightboring. A couple of do-gooders kept trying to involve me in their activities,but they eventually gave up and left me to myself.

I pass thetime mostly by reading books. So during recess and other such periods of play,I inevitably end up by myself under a tree somewhere as far away as possiblefrom all the irritating screaming and giggling.

Unfortunatelymy lack of interest in play has caused me to get a little soft and flabby inplaces. There is also the possibility that my inactivity, especially at such ayoung age, could cause me to lose bone mass, develop Type 2 Diabetes or breakdown my immune system.

This is justto name but a few of the problems that could arise.

I need tostart doing some regular exercise. I could start jogging, but to do that, Ineed a decent pair of running shoes, and all the tennis shoes back here arepoorly soled and just plain detrimental to a growing boy’s health. I guess Icould try swimming, but that would limit my exercise to the summertime as thereare no heated pools in the area.

I know alsofrom my intensive research into the functioning of the brain during my firstlife that during periods of play and exercise, a youth produces dopamine, aneurotransmitter involved in memory and problem solving.

It is obviousthat nature has designed children in such a way so that they willingly andautomatically partake in activities that are beneficial to, not only theirphysical well-being, but their mental one as well.

The body is afantastic machine with a myriad of components and functions. It has a way oftelling the brain that it requires certain foodstuffs necessary for growth.This is why our tastes as children tend to differ significantly from those ofadulthood. As a child I loved all things sweet such as candies, cakes, syrupdrenched flapjacks, jelly sandwiches and sticky puddings. But later, as anadult, my preferences were more to things salty.

Lately I replacethat my palate has reverted to those things of a sugar-based nature. If I couldhave the choice between a milkshake and a beer right now – I’d take the shake!

Even in myfirst life. I was never much one for sports or even socializing. So, while thejocks were out flexing and flaunting their biceps in front of all the swooningfemales, I was in, improving my academic skills and knowledge.

I was captainof both the chess club and debate society.

And I knowfrom experience, that once girls get over their immature infatuations, they allinevitably replace a large wallet to be far more attractive than a well-ripped setof abs.

I know thisbecause I was once married to the two biggest gold diggers south of the YukonRiver - the first in ’83 and the second much later in 2002.

Still, I’vealways abhorred the prospect of obesity. I think I’ll have to also start doingsome sit-ups and push-ups before bed each night. I don’t want to end up lookinglike the Michelin Man.