Grim and Bear It
Chapter Sixteen

Rule #32: Information shared between a human soul and a reaper is confidential. Reapers are forbidden to be involved with human investigations, as a matter of security. -The Reaper Code of Ethics, official handbook.

Poppy

Sylvia had been quiet since I returned to the storage unit and put my sword away. She sat in stoic silence while I tried to pry more information from the passengers, but it was an echo of what they'd said at the storage unit. "How'd you replace out about the trial?" I asked.

A middle-aged man ran his palm over the short beard on his chin. "Mine was an ad on social media. Kept popping up. Promised it could reverse cancer. Thought it was worth a try since nothing else was working."

"I got a message from an old classmate," a woman in her early thirties explained. "Hadn't talk to her since we graduated, but she saw my post about stopping chemo. Sent me the link. Some woman named Fletcher called me to confirm." The stories were all the same. They were targeted based on social media posts and reached out to a company called Unbelievable Bodies to be vetted for a clinical trial of a new supplement called Vixen. Once selected, all they had to do was pay a thousand dollars to participate.

I held myself together until we stepped off the boat, then I ran to the shore and dry heaved so hard I fell to my knees. The greed and selfishness of the people behind the trials was overwhelming. Except that I couldn't throw up, couldn't cry, couldn't scream. I hated this job, hated this scrap of a life I had been saddled with against my will, hated how terrible humans were to each other.

Sylvia stood behind me until my body had settled, then helped me off my knees and followed me back to the barracks. "I want to be alone," I called back. Before I walked through the door, she grabbed my arm and pushed me around the side of the building. "What's your problem?" I asked, pulling my arm free.

"My problem?" She stepped close and lowered her voice to a whisper-yell. "Care to explain why Jake wasn't surprised to see you?"

"He's already seen me once, remember? Anyway, he works for SHAP. He's used to weird and unexpected."

She shook her head. "Nuh-uh, don't buy that for one second. You had that silent communication thing going on. You used to do that shit when you were younger, and it was creepy." "We know each other-"

"Stop lying to me, Poppy! How many times have you seen him?"

I tried to back up, but the stone wall was against my back. "I don't know. A few."

"A few? Try again."

"No."

"I'll tell our dads-"

"I've been watching him and Eliza since we died, okay?" I was done pretending I was fine. It was as if everything that had been holding me together was now pulling me apart at the seams and if I didn't get it off my chest, I'd burst into a million pieces. "Every few weeks, I check on them. When Jake figured out he could see me, he asked for help on the case."

She took a step back as if I'd slapped her. "For twelve years? You've been watching them for twelve years?" She looked around, as if there were answers hidden just out of sight. "Jesus Christ, Poppy, no wonder you can't let go."

I turned to the side, not looking at her, but out to the gray expanse of the horizon. "I know. I'm supposed to only care about other reapers."

"Because space and time are supposed to help you move on. Do you think I haven't thought about my friends? My ex-boyfriend? That I don't miss them? Of course I do. I wish I had found a partner who wanted to do this with me, like Daniel." Our older brother's wife had jumped at the chance to join him in a forever adventure.

"Max didn't want to be a reaper?" I asked, shocked. She hadn't talked about him since we died. All I remembered was Daddy saying he thought Max was going to propose, then Sylvia coming home in tears the next day. I never saw Max again. "When he proposed, I said yes, and I was so happy." She looked out over the water with her arms wrapped around her middle. "But when I told him what marrying me would mean the opportunity to join the family business might come at any time he decided it was too hard, too unknown. He would rather live on his terms. So I walked away."

If Jake had known and then decided he couldn't be a reaper, would I have walked away? Would I have been strong enough? For what it's worth, I would've come with you. No, he wouldn't have gone back on his word. Hell, his job was literally tearing him apart and he still refused to back down. Poor boundaries aside, Jake was loyal to a fault, and he loved with his whole heart.

My sister hadn't known unconditional love like I had with Jake, and my heart broke for her. "I'm so sorry," I breathed. "Didn't it make you mad? That this reaper crap got in the way of true love?"

She shook her head, then looked back to me. "No, Max made me mad. He wanted to exchange vows saying we'd love each other through anything, but he didn't even want to try. I'm proud to be here, Poppy. Proud of our family, proud of being a reaper."

She walked over and leaned against the stone, our shoulders touching. "When you look out at that water, how does it make you feel?"

I laughed once without humor. "Cold. Lonely. Trapped."

She wrapped her arm around mine. "I feel peace. Pride. Out of all the creatures, all the people that have ever existed, our family is the one that's accepted the task of helping souls cross over safely. We have to give up a few years of human life and I'll admit, some things that made life fun-but in exchange, we get so much more in return."

She squeezed my arm. "Do you feel any of it? Any pride in what you do?"

It's a good thing I couldn't cry, because I would've started and never stopped. Her words opened a chasm inside of me. I wished I could feel the same way, that feeling of doing what I was born to do, like I belonged. "I don't know," I admitted. "Sometimes, I guess?"

"How long have you felt like this?"

"Twelve years," I whispered. "If you had the choice, to go back and live a regular human life with Max or have the timeline play out exactly as it did, what would you choose?"

She paused for a long moment. "I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, where I need to be. I wouldn't change it."

I nodded and smiled at her. "I'm glad." It wasn't a lie. I was so happy that my sister was content. It was all I ever wanted for her.

"What about you?"

"I love being here with you and the family," I hedged.

"But?"

"I would change everything," I admitted, pressing my fist against my chest to keep the words from cracking me open. "There's this huge piece of me missing, this emptiness that's only filled when I'm in the human world. I want to watch the sunrise, play the violin to the stars, swim in the ocean, smell the damp earth as I walk through a forest when it's just rained."

She looked at me as if I had just broken her heart. "I knew you'd watched The Little Mermaid too much as a kid," she teased, but her voice cracked at the end and betrayed her feelings.

I play-hit her arm. "It's not the same."

"Because Jake is smarter than Prince Eric?"

"Truth." I sighed. "But this doesn't have only to do with Jake. I mean, he's part of it but...I don't want to be in the human world only for him. I want to be there because it makes me happy and he makes me happy, too." I lifted a shoulder. "But, even if I could ever go back, so many humans are so full of hate, and I think learning that hurts the most."

She leaned her head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry, Poppy."

"I don't know how to do this," I whispered. "Every day having to take the souls of people who died from someone else's selfishness, worrying about if Jake or Eliza or their family will appear next on my list. There's no break, no end in sight. How am I supposed to survive it when I'm already dead?"

She squeezed my arm tighter. "You don't have to do it alone. You have me."

"Thanks." I rested my head against hers for a moment, then straightened. I blew out a sharp breath. "It would've helped if Jake hadn't grown up hot."

Sylvia snorted. "He did get better with age. Rude." She sighed. "Have you thought about maybe dating any of the super distant cousins? Technically, we're not blood related to all of these people. Some were adopted, some are stepfamily, some are like three hundred years old..."

I lifted my head and looked up at her. "Strangely enough, I haven't felt the urge to date any family I'm legally related to while trapped forever on a death island. Imagine the breakup."

"That's fair." She squeezed my arm again. "Maybe it's time to submit a reassignment application? I don't want to lose you as my partner, but you're burned out. I think taking a decade or so off from reaper duty would help you. You won't be tempted to go visit, and even if you were, you couldn't."

I knew she was right. I should apply for reassignment to island duty at city hall or something. The thought nearly broke me.

"What's with the girl talk?" Sylvia and I looked up to replace Daniel standing a few feet away. "You coming to family dinner?"

While we couldn't eat, we all had arranged our scheduled so once a month, all of our immediate family spent three hours together talking about our weeks. While usually a highlight in this monotonous existence, I would've given anything to just be alone with my thoughts tonight.

"Just a sister chat," Sylvia said. "Of course we'll be at dinner. It's your birthday, loser."

"Wouldn't miss it," I promised.