In The Name of Love
65: Understanding

Birdsong mingles with murmuring, sunlight, and incense around Fifi as her eyes flutter open in an unfamiliar space. The ceiling overhead is vaulted and circular. Multiple windows around her provide light. She turns her head and sees two middle-aged women in plain sage green dresses with aprons sitting to one side, speaking to one another in low tones while sorting through herbs.

“You’re awake, Your Highness,” one of them remarks as her eyes catch Fifi’s. “How are you feeling?” She gets up and crosses to Fifi’s side.

“I…I don’t know,” Fifi answers. Her tongue feels clumsy in her mouth and her limbs are heavy. A dull ache pulses through her muscles. Her head is foggy with memories of candlelight and Barivyce words and a conversation with Queen Casilda.

She’s going to help me, since I healed the king, Fifi remembers. I’m going to get to escape. Hope brings some vitality back to her body.

“You look like you feel better,” the woman at Fifi’s side says. “Here, let me help you sit up. You should probably take some food and tea.”

As she works to get Fifi propped up on some cushions, a knock sounds somewhere in the room. The other woman gets up to answer it. Fifi’s attendant brings her some bread and a steaming cup of tea that smells of lavender and camomile.

“You’re in luck. She’s awake, but only just,” the woman on the other side of the room says to someone Fifi can’t see. “I’m afraid we don’t have chairs for all of you—”

“That’s quite all right,” Minna’s voice replies. Fifi’s heart leaps, but then cold dread settles in her stomach. What does she know? Will she be angry with me? Fifi wonders.

To her surprise, Minna is accompanied by Prince Adalberto and Queen Casilda. The queen settles in a chair near one of the windows, but Adalberto and Minna come to Fifi’s bedside, taking the place of the attendant who provided her with bread and tea.

“Sister,” Fifi smiles at Minna in greeting. Minna returns her smile, but it doesn’t reach her eyes.

“Fifi….” Minna’s voice trails off and she swallows hard before trying again. “We heard that last night was…challenging for you. How are you doing?”

A lump rises in Fifi’s throat. I wish I’d asked Queen Casilda not to tell them anything, she thinks.

“Better, I think. How are you?” Fifi gestures weakly to both Minna and Adalberto.

“Well enough, thank you,” Adalberto answers. “I suppose I should thank you, for saving my father’s life.”

He doesn’t look happy about it, Fifi observes, noting the frown furrows in Adalberto’s forehead. “It was the right thing to do. The only thing I could do.” Or your mother would have had me executed.

“How long, Fifi?” Minna asks, her voice low and accusatory. “How long have you been able to…do whatever it is that you did?”

“Since Fantor.”

“This past Fantor?”

Fifi nods. “I haven’t done that ritual alone before….”

“Who have you done things like this with before?”

Fifi drops her eyes from Minna’s, not wanting to answer this question. Your quarrel is with me, not with him. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I had to promise not to tell anyone, not even you, in order to learn. And I didn’t think you’d approve, and you’ve had enough other things to worry about.”

“That isn’t the point, Fifi.” Minna’s voice breaks, and Fifi looks up to see tears in her sister’s eyes. “You turned your back on our faith, and you’ve been keeping secrets from me. You’re my sister and my best friend and now I don’t know if I can trust you.”

Adalberto retreats across the room, giving the sisters some space.

“It was just this and Kai,” Fifi tells Minna in a whisper. “Chuezohm never resonated with me like it did with you, but Cybarein…. It’s different. It feels true.”

“But how can I know, Fifi? How can I trust that you’re telling me everything this time, or ever again?”

Fifi bites back an angry retort, then sighs heavily. “I don’t know, Minna. I understand why you’re upset, and I’m sorry I hurt you. That was never my intention.”

“And were you just going to go into exile, with the queen’s help, without giving me any explanation or saying goodbye or anything?”

“I didn’t plan for this. I didn’t know that the Barhestans would…. I wanted to heal him for you and Adalberto, more than any other reason. I didn’t know it would be so…draining. Or that I would be offered a chance to….”

“Where will you go, Fifi? How can you possibly think to survive in exile?”

“I will join the person who taught me. I’m not sure exactly how we’ll make it, but I believe we will, somehow.”

“It’s Kai, isn’t it?” Minna guesses, her eyes piercing into Fifi. “He’s the one who taught you…sigh-bar-rain or however you say it. And that’s part of why you like him so much.”

Silence stretches between the two sisters for what feels like ages to Fifi as she wonders how to respond, what combination of words might touch Minna’s heart.

“Do you remember, in the carriage on the way here, when you asked me whether I was planning to follow my own advice, about following my heart and choosing someone who’s right for me?” she asks after a few false starts.

“Yes. And you didn’t think you had any options to make that choice.” Minna’s face softens somewhat as she says the words.

“Our only hope for choosing each other has been to run away together, as far as we can tell,” Fifi admits, almost too quiet to hear. “And this…. This is a perfect opportunity for me to run away. To start a new life, without all the pressures of being a princess.”

“People will suffer and die. Syazonia will go to war with Barhesta, and Aethyrozia will likely fight alongside Syazonia, especially if we move forward with the queen’s plan to claim the Barhestans kidnapped you.”

“War with Barhesta was all but inevitable from the moment their assassin stabbed King Celestino, was it not?”

“Maybe so, but—”

“I can’t stop a war from happening, Minna. That was never going to be up to me. But I can be free and happy. All I’ve ever wanted for you was for you to replace happiness, and I’m glad you’ve been able to do that while doing what Father wanted you to do. But I’m not you, Minna. This world of alliances and political marriages…it’s just not for me.”

Another long silence passes with the two of them just looking at each other, communicating without speaking.

“Will I ever see you again?” Minna asks finally.

“I don’t know.”

“Will we be able to write to each other?”

“If you keep Algot for me, I think he can carry messages between us.”

“What do I do? Tie a letter to his leg, open the window, and tell him to replace you?”

“Pretty much. I can teach you the commands I’ve taught him. He’s a good boy. Very smart.”

“And you’re sure he’ll be able to replace you?”

“Yes. Even before…I started training him properly, he always found his way back to our room when we tried to set him free, remember?”

For the first time since she came to Fifi’s bedside, a genuine smile crosses Minna’s face. “I remember. It was infuriating. Perhaps even then he sensed something…heretical in you.”

“Maybe.”

“Have the two of you come to an understanding?” Queen Casilda interrupts from her seat near a window. Fifi and Minna both turn to her, somewhere between surprised and annoyed.

“More or less…?” Minna offers.

“Good. Then let’s discuss how Princess Josefina’s reward will actually come about. Of course we will have to wait until she is strong enough, but there are other details that must be decided.”