Let Me Be Your Home
Chapter 9

I leaned back on the bench. I wasn’t entirely sure how I got here-or why this was how my life had turned out. It almost seemed unfair but it was something I could not dwell on. Dwelling would only lead me further down a spiral I would not be able to get out of.

I shut my eyes, letting the cool evening breeze fan my skin.

I inhaled the smell of the lake in front of me. Earth-I smelt earth and all it’s compounds. For a moment I almost forgot how terrible life was.

“Elettra?”?

I gritted my teeth, squeezing my eyes tight. I held back a g***n as I slowly opened my eyes.

“What do you want, Dean?”

Dean stuffed his hands into his jacket pocket, ignoring the annoyance seeping through me. “Nice to see you to. What are you doing out here?”

I glanced around the vacant area. “Sitting on a bench.”

Dean shook his head lightly, grinning. “I am jealous of the people who haven’t met you.” He helped himself to walk over, sitting down on the bench beside me. I could feel the warmth radiating off him as his leg brushed up against mine.

I stared out at the water. Why couldn’t I have a single moment of peace? “Is it too difficult for you to leave me be?” I didn’t look at him.

I could feel his gaze on the side of my face. “Your company is endearing, what can I say?”

I was tempted to punch him. I glanced at him, my eyes narrowed. “If I wanted a bitch with me all day long, I would have bought a dog.”

Maybe it’s time for me to leave this town and replace a new adventure.

Dean only laughed at my remark. “Charming as ever, sunshine.”

I resumed looking out the water. The sun was almost gone now. It was growing darker. “Do you have nothing better to do?”

Dean shrugged lightly, leaning back. “You’re growing on me-I can’t help it.”

I laughed humourlessly, shaking my head. “In that case, it will be unfortunate that I’ll be out of your hair, soon enough.”

I couldn’t help wondering why people would want to live in a town like this.

I guess it made sense- small, quiet, friendly company all around. A great place to start a family and raise your kids. I could never imagine what it would have been like for the people who grew up in an environment like such. The idea seemed like a fantasy to me.

What would it have been like? Such a peaceful area with everything at a walking distance. Going to the movies with friends and walking to the diner afterwards to drink milkshakes. Stopping at an antique store to mess around and try on crazy accessories-nothing but laughter and glee all around you.

That could have never been me.

Imagining it felt like a fairytale one would read as a child-although, I never had those either.

In a way, I understood the appeal of a small town thoroughly.

However, why not live somewhere more lively. Live in the middle of a city that never sleeps, or maybe somewhere with lots of beaches where you could cliff drive or bungee jump- somewhere where excitement was around every corner.

This town-this was somewhere you’d want to move when you’re old and have no energy left to climb and jump.

I guess, neither life was mine. Neither one of those options was something in reach.

“What are you thinking about?” Dean asked in a warm voice.

“Life.”

Dean stayed silent-which I was grateful for until he spoke. “You said you’d be out of my hair soon. You’re leaving?”

I shrugged grimly. “Nothing interesting left here.”

“Where will you go?” His voice sounded-pensive.

I craned my head back and looked up at the sky that was growing darker and darker each minute. I felt sleepy. “I don’t know. Maybe I can go to California for a while. New York is too far otherwise I’d stop there-just for a few days of bustling life all around me.”

Dean hummed quietly. “Why do you do it? Don’t you get tired of leaving all the time?”

I laughed airily, looking down at my hands. I pulled on my fingers. “Sometimes-but I’m used to it. It’s routine. I’ve been doing it since I was twelve.”

Dean was peering at me with soft eyes-I didn’t meet them but I could feel them on me, as if his gaze were warming my skin. “Why?”

Oh, where to begin.

“My family was-f****d up. To say the least.”

If I was leaving, there was no point in staying hidden. I would never see him again. It didn’t matter.

“Tell me about them.”

I turned to look at him, my eyebrows drawing together. “Why do you want to know?” Nobody ever wanted to hear my sob stories-the people I was around, the few friends I’d ever had, we all had nothing but sob stories. We didn’t sit around crying on each other’s shoulders.

Dean offered me a soft, warm smile. “Everyone needs to let things out at some point. Think of it as-taking a risk. Doing something spontaneous.”

“I have no idea why I’m about to do this.” I criss-crossed my legs on the bench and turned my body to face Dean. I never did this. I never talked about myself. I never told people thing about myself.

Dean nodded, as if encouraging me.

I licked my lips. “Where do we start? There was my mother-an alcoholic.” I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to picture the woman who’s memory was so faint and foggy in my head that I couldn’t quite remember a single feature she had. “She stopped drinking before I was born and for years afterwards. Then she went back to it and things-things didn’t go well. She used to abuse my older sister and I.” I stared down at my hands again, pulling on my fingers.

Dean, cautiously, took my hand in his. He squeezed my hands in a comforting manner. I didn’t look at him.

“She walked out on us when I was eight years old. My dad-he turned into a monster after she left. He got fired from his job because he was aggressive and had a bad temper. That’s when he got into drug dealing and using.”

I chewed on the inside of my cheek. I could almost picture my father clearly-his eyes mainly. They were always so-so cold and infernal. Over the years, it was as if darkness had consumed them completely. The memory of them still gave me nightmares.

“He was a mad man,” I laughed humourlessly. “Vile and raging with a temper bigger than could fit him.”

Dean traced circles on the back of my hand with his thumb. His touch was warm and somehow comforting. It was enough to allow me to continue-although I still wasn’t sure why I was inclined to tell him all the things I never spoke of.

“My sister-she was two years older than me. She did whatever the hell we wanted-because of our absent parents, it made her reckless and careless. She partied and smoked and drank. I hardly saw her because she was always out-with bad crowds. By the time she was fourteen, she got pregnant.”

I still remembered the day my sister had come home and told me she was pregnant. She wanted to keep it a secret from our father-who probably wouldn’t have cared if he had known anyways. It was the first time I had seen her terrified.

“After she got pregnant, she soon ran away with her perverted older boyfriend.” I winced. “She thought it was love but it was sheer manipulation. Only a few weeks later-he-well, she was-” I sucked in a sharp breath, my eyes started to gloss.

“Hey,” Dean’s voice was gentle as a feather’s stroke. “You don’t have to tell me. You don’t have to dig all of this back up.”

I shook my head softly, still not looking him in the eye. I stared down at our hands. “Her body was found in an alley. Her boyfriend had killed her when he was jacked up on cocaine.”

I could remember it clearly-my father and I walked into the morgue to identify the body. She laid there on the table, her skin pale and slightly blue. I touched her hand and it was ice cold. I threw up after left.

“My father-he was so cruel and filled with rage all the time. I couldn’t breath when I was near him. I-I would have been dead, had I stayed with him.”

My body was slightly trembling, my stomach churning. Dean squeezed my hands as if he were afraid I would fall apart if he didn’t hold on tight enough. “Oh, God, Elettra.”

I blinked back tears. “He was never in control of his mind, always under the influence of something so-so, I left. I ran away and lived with my friend Eddie in some shit apartment that was abandoned or something. It was a crappy part of town that never tore the building down so we hid out there.”

“Eddie-he didn’t have a home either?” Dean sounded cautious when he spoke, afraid to ask.

I nodded slowly. “His parents died when he was ten and he ran away from the foster system because he was always stuck in terrible homes with terrible, terrible people.” I paused for a moment, inhaling deeply. “We needed money. We came across some-bad people. This older guy hooked us up and Eddie and I started dealing and-I don’t know what happened.” I laughed faintly. The world had cursed me to terribleness my whole life. “It kept getting worse. We started stealing cars, stealing other things- anything to fulfil the most necessary needs. The first time the cops were on our tail, we just started skipping around the states and-well, staying on the run to not risk being caught.”

Dean stayed silent for a long moment. I traced the lines in the palm of his hand.

“Where is Eddie now?”

I leaned back slightly. “We went our own ways but stayed in touch. I see him-rarely. If we’re close enough, we might meet up.” I smiled lightly at the thought of the only friend I had left. “He did stupid things to survive but he was always such an incredible writer. Sometime we’d sneak into libraries after they closed and Eddie would just read books to me until I fell asleep.”

Dean looked down at our hands and watched as I moved my fingertip along the palmar flexion creases on his hands. “Did you finish high school?”

“Barley-but yes.”

I looked up to meet my eyes. He peered at me with such thoughtfulness and warmth in his eyes, it almost made dizzy. I had never been looked at like that before. “If you could go to college for something what would it be?” He had a small smile on his face when he asked.

I let out a breathy laugh, looking to the sky and thinking for a moment. “I used to write these-uh-poems, songs sort of. Maybe something with writing or music, I guess.”

I frowned. That seemed like the most unreachable dream, I wanted to laugh at how pathetic the idea sounded to my own ears.

“You could still do it, you know?” Dean shrugged softly. “It’s not too late.”

I shook my head, looking at him again. “Yes-it is.”

“Why?”

I looked at him in disbelief, laughing. “Come on-let’s not get started on the shit GPA I graduated with.”

“Maybe-maybe they’d focus more on your talent instead of grades.”?

I smiled faintly. “That is wishful thinking. They don’t-and my life-my life is-look at my life, Dean. I won’t even bring up money or where I’d stay or-” I cut myself off, shaking my head firmly.

Dean sighed. “I’m so sorry. For all that you have been through. My life-it sucked too but I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through.”

I offered him a small smile, shrugging. “I have no idea where my parents are. Sometimes I think about that. I don’t even know if they’re dead or alive.”

dean frowned. I could see the sympathy behind his eyes. I didn’t like it. “Would you ever look for them?”

I glanced out at the water. It was dark now. “No. They can go to hell, for all I care. I hold no emotions towards them anymore-well-perhaps I don’t hold emotions, period.”

Dean’s eyebrows pulled together. “What do you mean?”

I looked at him again, quirking an eyebrow. “I don’t remember the last time I actually cared about anything-I mean, Eddie sure.”

Dean gnawed on his l*p. “Okay-let me give you a scenario.”

I raised my eyebrows.

“Being held at gunpoint-you seem to be in that situation quite often.”

I pursed my lips. “Doesn’t scare me. I’m not saying I’ll be a walking target you can practice your aim on-I just don’t think I’d pray or cry or-” I heaved out a heavy breath. “I think I fear life more than I fear death.”

Dean stared at me delicately, as if he were trying to read a book that was written in a foreign language. “Another scenario-running into your mother or father.”

I laughed, a genuine laugh. “I would ignore them. I could see them standing across the street right now and walk past them as if they were strangers-ghosts, even. They were hardly parents to begin with.”

Dean exhaled sharply. “Falling in love.”

My l*p tugged upwards. Now that-that was an amusing one. “Love doesn’t exist, Dean.”

Dean raised his eyebrows, watching me with skepticism.”You really believe that?”

I nodded with sureness. “Love is-it’s simply a fascination. It’s an idea. It’s l**t and infatuation that lasts until a certain point but it’s never certain and it’s never something that is meant to last so why-why bother relishing in it? It’s temporary and comes with-so much pain and wasted energy. All this time you spend worrying about something, caring for them, just for them to- leave and become a stranger, or die.”

Dean sucked in a sharp breath, frowning. He shook his head, glancing down at our hands. “I don’t believe that. I disagree.”

I scoffed. “Yeah, what is it that you think about love?”

Dean paused for a moment, a faint ghostly smile on his face. “Love is-it’s a feeling that first pulls you towards someone you probably thought you wouldn’t like. It’s the?choice?of commitment-to continuously make it work.” He met my eyes. “It’s knowing almost everything about them without them having to show or tell. Love is-remembering and noticing the tiniest details about them.”

“Wasted energy.”

Dean laughed softly, shaking his head at me. “The feeling of love is not having to act crazy over them to?know?you’re indeed in love. It’s risking your happiness for theirs. It’s something that will save you from your depression in your darkest days. It’s seeing their highest points and their lowest, seeing them snort a stupid laugh or crying against the wall, and loving them for it even more than before.”

I stayed silent, just staring back at him. It fascinated me that he thought so.

Dean shrugged lightly, a playful smile on his face. “It’s being consumed by someone. That feeling-or loving someone so much that you’d die for them, that’s rare and it’s beautiful and it-well, it makes life worth living.”

I pulled me hands away from him, leaning back. I folded my hands in my lap, cocking my head to the side. “What happens when one morning you wake up and don’t feel that way anymore? What happens when you make a mistake?”

Dean paused thoughtfully. “That’s the thing about love-you can’t replace it where it doesn’t exist but where it does, you can’t hide it. It’s like-a ghost. Everyone talks about it but only some people see and experience it. And yes, it won’t always be easy or perfect.”

“So, you’re saying that love only exists for some people?”

Dean glanced at the water for a moment before looking at me again. “That type of love-not everyone is lucky enough to replace it.”

I laughed, looking away from him. “You’re not going to change my mind on this one.” I watched the waves crash against one other. “That’s one thing nobody will ever be able to do.”