Rebellion (Risen Series Bk1)
Chapter 30 ~ Forgiveness

Princeps - singular

Principes - plural

"You want me to feed. . .from you?" Anna asked slowly.

I nodded, her gaze making me feel like I'd suggested we throw a puppy off the roof. Her jaw clicked as if she was chewing over my words, but a peek of fangs from behind her lips revealed her hunger. If she had trouble with control at the mere suggestion of feeding, I was worried about how starving she really was.

Just how much had Padraig managed to force her to drink from whatever poor human he'd found? Not a lot I was guessing.

"Why didn't Padraig suggest I feed from him instead of forcing me to hurt someone?" she nearly sobbed, her eyes brimming with fresh tears.

I sighed, unable to keep eye contact. "Maybe because it's not a permanent solution. You wouldn't be able to survive on feeding from another vampire for long. Your body needs fresh, human blood. I'm afraid that's not something you can escape from."

Anna looked down, fidgeting with the hem of her jumper. I watched her, feeling her own torture. I wished there was something else I could do to make this easier for her, some way to take all this away. There was no point in giving her false hope about what had been revealed with Gideon, that there was a small glimmer of a chance that she could have retained some of her powers. That wouldn't have been fair.

I felt guilt tear away at me again, clawing at my self worth until I was sure all the damage caused in Anna's life was because of me. If Atanas had killed me the night he found me, how different things would be now. Anna wasn't in the right state of mind for such a drastic change. She'd just been holed up in a dungeon for days being psychologically tortured.

Yet, it made me wonder about what she had planned for her future before all of this. Her and Padraig were more than the master and slave they made themselves out to be, I knew this, so it amazed me they'd never talked about Anna becoming a vampire before. She hadn't been prepared for this shock to the system. Or maybe they had talked about it and she'd outirght refused.

I couldn't take the silence any longer, and tried to come at this from another angle.

"You used to feed from Padraig didn't you?" I asked carefully, sitting beside her.

She looked towards the bedroom door, and I was sure she would have blushed if she could. "That was different. That was for. . .pleasure. An intimate act between lovers. This is different. This is survival."

"What if you still did it for pleasure? Eventually the time will come when you need to feed from a mortal but for now, things don't have to be different," I said, having to force my next words out. "Bites during um, well, sex, it's quite enjoyable."

My words were unsure, and I too felt my cheeks heating. I still wasn't used to talking about sex, nor the joys of it. Brown eyes peeked at me uncertainly. I'd seen the bite marks on her neck before, I knew they'd shared blood. Even if she tried to deny it. Trying to convince her the only difference would be she'd be able to bite back seemed to be working.

Her shoulders rolled until she stiffened, the tension growing in the room again.

"It's not just about that though. When I fed last night, I enjoyed it," she spat out, disgust for herself making her shiver. "I wanted more, I wanted to feed until there was nothing left. I wanted to go out and stalk the streets myself next time!"

I knew what she meant. Hunting was exhilarating. It was in our nature, built into our very DNA. We were predators. Nothing could change that.

"You can't blame yourself for that, Anna. You're meant to enjoy it, it's what you're built for. I'm not going to force you to accept this life, I can't. Not after fighting so that others have the right to choose. But I care about you, and it would break my heart to lose you. It's a lot to get used to, believe me I know, but it does get better. It gets easier. Sometimes it can be wonderful, magical even," I said, cringing at my own cheesiness.

"If you could choose, would choose this life?" she asked me, her eyes watching me carefully.

My mouth opened then shut. In all honesty, I no longer knew the answer to that. While I wished the centuries of torture hadn't happened, I revelled in what I was now, especially with Atanas in my life. I couldn't imagine going back to being human. They were weak and their lives so fleeting.

"It doesn't matter. It's the life I was given, and I'll fight to keep living it."

She snorted, looking away again. "That's not an answer."

I sighed, unsure of what else I could say. She shifted beside me and I heard her swallow. I could practically feel the raging hunger I was sure blazed through her. I knew the way her throat must have burned, the way her jaw ached as fangs pushed down.

"You're my friend, Anna. I'll support whatever decision it makes, no matter how I feel about it."

She nodded, staring at her lap but she leaned ever so slightly against my side. I forced myself not to say anything else, I'd given her more than enough to think over.

After long moments of silence, she spoke again, "I'll try feeding from Padraig but he has to promise me never to use that makers bond thing to control me ever again."

"That seems fair enough to me," I agreed, relief flooding through me.

I wasn't going to lose my friend. At least not yet. Hopefully I would be able to sway her beliefs more by the time she had to have human blood. Slowly, stiffly she stood, grabbing the edge of the bed as she swayed. I grabbed her, frowning. The first signs of her deteriorating were making themselves known.

Starving was the worst way to go. If a vampire didn't feed, then their body would slowly shut down. Bones would become brittle, muscles would weaken while skin rotted. It was what had been done to Atanas when Airell had thrown him into whatever tomb he'd found. I couldn't imagine such agony. Or maybe I could. I shivered. There had been many times I'd come close to death when Airell refused to let me feed. I'd blocked them out but now the ghost of those painful moments were felt like a drumming ache in my bones.

Shaking myself, I forced a small smile.

"Let's go replace Padraig. I'll be with you when you tell him this is how you're doing things. I'll make sure he sticks to it," I promised.

Anna took my hand and gave me a half smile back. "You're really settling into being a Queen aren't you?"

Laughing, it took me a moment to realise she wasn't joking. I shook my head, tugging her towards the door.

"Not yet. Not even a little bit."

She let me lead her through the halls, sticking like glue to my side, especially when we passed any of the intimidating vampires that stalked the halls. When we reached the door that opened into the large meeting room, she pulled me to a stop.

"Can you tell him, without me there? I can't. . .I don't want to be there when you tell him. I'm already a disappointment to him as his baby vampire or whatever it's called. I've been so cruel to him," she sighed, rubbing her arm.

I nodded. "If that's what you want. I'll do anything to make this easier on you, you know that. But he is mad at me himself, he blames me for what happened. I blame me."

Anna frowned, shaking her head so fiercely that brown curls whipped around.

"None of this was your fault. Not was it Padraig's. You did everything you could to keep me safe. Gods, Shylah, you let that man do unspeakable things and did unspeakable things to make sure I was taken care of! I even understand why Padraig turned me. If it was the other way around, I'd have done anything to save the one I loved too." she announced, looking at me like I was mad.

I swallowed back the lump that had formed. I wasn't used to this sort of unnameable emotion that rushed through me. It wasn't quite happiness, nor relief.

"Nothing was your fault," she repeated as she saw me struggle with myself.

In true Anna style, she pulled me into a hug. Tentatively, a little less so than usual, I hugged her back. I hid the grin that hurt my cheeks in the curls of her hair.

Pulling back, I straightened up. I was beginning to worry about how much I was softening. Soft things didn't last long in this world. I had to be stronger.

Pushing the doors open, I stepped inside. Steeling myself, building my armour back up, I didn't waver under the scrutiny of so many eyes this time. Fabric was laid over the table, alongside massive piles of paper that had an eyebrow lifting. Anna stepped in after me, becoming my shadow.

"What are you doing?" I chirped, looking around at Atanas' inner cirlcle, that now seemed to include Kincaid as well.

My lips twitched when I remembered how uncomfortable I seemed to make him. I'd never had such an effect on someone before and it gave me an odd rush of power.

"Planning your coronation," Zena replied happily.

A half laugh, half disbelieving snort left me. Zena raised a perfectly arched brow, folding her arms over her chest. Anna looked up at me then back at the room of people. "I thought she was already named Queen."

Atanas shifted, drawing my attention to him.

"That's... complicated. She's my mate, that makes her Queen. A coronation, that makes a statement, gives her an official title and power," Atanas explained, watching my expression go from amused to terrified.

I swallowed, and suddenly I didn't like that everyone else was watching me too.

"It needs to be done. It'll give you protection as well, and a reason to throw a ball that will now be in your honour. It'll solidly your position for those that follow tradition. Atanas was never really officially overthrown. Airell never managed to become King. That means, technically, Atanas never stopped being King," Elaine added from where she stood behind Thierry, "When the other leaders arrive, you'll want to have the security of your title as Queen."

"Are we running a royal court now? Will I have to address these vampires that are coming as Lords and Ladies of the eternal fucking night?" I grumbled.

The scathing look Zena threw at me was nothing compared to the disapproval coming from Padraig and Atanas. I rolled my eyes, playing off the truth of my feeling uncomfortable as disapproval. I knew Atanas could see through my act.

"They're country leaders. They're title is Princeps"

"We need to do it if we're to take control. We need to make a stand and show of power," Atanas said, pleading with his eyes for me to just relent, "The coronation itself will only happen in front of those already here."

Sighing, I threw myself into the nearest chair and Anna sat beside me, blanking Padraig who tried to catch her eye. Zena relaxed a little, unfolding her arms to take Lachlan's hand. I eyed the colourful cloth all over the table.

"Are you going to dress me up then? Do I least get a crown?" I smirked.

Thierry guffawed and Elaine gave him a warning look to which he shrugged. "I was imagining her in a crown."

I couldn't blame him for his reaction, that image almost had me laughing too.

"I will help you pick out a suitable dress, it won't have to be as fancy as the one I'm planning for you to wear at the arrival of the Principes" Zena said, her eyes flicking to my mate, "As for a crown, I don't know."

"There's no official crown or anything I'm afraid, Libertas Mea, but if you really want one. . ." Atanas looked at Padraig whose jaw clenched.

"I'm sure I have a crown somewhere you can use," he muttered.

If I was in a cruel mood or harbouring anger, I might have asked him to bring me one just to watch him squirm. We all knew how much he cared for his ancient artifacts.

"I don't need a crown," I laughed after watching him suffer a little longer. "That's too much even for me.

Padraig seemed to relax at that, happy I would isn't have my grubby and clumsy hands on one of his priceless crowns.

"Though I would like a moment of your time. Alone. If I'm not needed to make these coronation arrangements," I almost pleaded with Padraig, eyes flicking between Atanas and Zena, who seemed to have become head vampire bash planner.

"I have everything under control but I will need you at some point for a fitting and Atanas will need to talk you through exactly what's going to happen." Zena agreed, eyeing a disgruntled looking Padraig.

He looked like he was trying to come up with an excuse as to why he couldn't talk to me but one look from Anna had him nodding. Before I could leave the room, she grabbed my arm. "Just. . .don't be too mean to him."

I quirked a brow, shocked by her change in feelings towards her master turned maker. She looked guilty, unable to look me in the eye and I sighed. She was angry at him, but she still loved him.

"I'll behave," I promised. "Stay here with this lot until we come back okay?"

"You don't trust I won't snap and go on a killing spree?" she asked, a bite in her tone.

Nobody missed her words and Padraig was back to glaring at me for upsetting her.

"That's not what I meant and you know it," I whispered, as if vampire hearing wouldn't pick up on what was being said.

I did my best to keep a hold of my temper, reminding myself that she was struggling, emotional, tortured. I gave her hand a squeeze before leading Padraig out of the room. Atanas would watch over Anna, I trusted that.

Padraig stomped like a petulant child out of the room, leading me into an empty study. He made sure to slam the door shut after me, uncaring that the sound made me flinch. I turned on my heel, arms folded and head held high.

"What do you want," he grumbled, taking a seat on the elegant chaise lounge.

I wished I could have looked half as regal as the ginger haired vampire did. Turquoise eyes regarded me as I took the seat across from him.

"I wanted to start by apologising," I said softly, picking at the fabric that peeled away from the creaky armchair I occupied.

When Padraig remained quiet, I looked back up. His eyes were wide, his mouth moving but no words came out. I shifted. "I came here. I made Anna my responsibility, and I failed. She got hurt. You had an impossible choice and I forced you to make it. Now you're the one suffering for it."

The shock grew on his face until he looked like a gaping fish. I raised an eyebrow which seemed to snap him back to attention. He straightened up, dusting off imaginary lint from his trousers. I couldn't tell what he was thinking as he frowned at the floor, mulling over my words, and I sat restlessly. I tried to be still, to practice the poise that would be needed in my role as Queen.

"I knew you would go, the night we she'd been taken," he finally admitted, closing his eyes in guilt as he swallowed hard. "I could see it in your eyes, the determination to get her back, even as you lied to Atanas and promised you wouldn't. I knew what awaited you there, that you'd get hurt and suffer but I didn't care as long as it meant I'd get Anna back. I should have told Atanas what you had planned but I didn't. I let you walk into this. It's my fault as much as it is yours."

It was my turn to stare in shock. The animosity between us fizzled out as our eyes met, understanding blooming. We both just wanted to save Anna and because of us, we'd lead her to this life. If it could even be called life.

"If I'd stayed, things might not have been any different. Airell might have gone through with his threat and killed her, he might have tortured her until there was nothing left to save. He might have turned her because he knew how much it would break her. We both made our choice, and Anna doesn't blame either of us for it," I said with a hollow laugh, shaking my head.

Padraig frowned at me as I did and I couldn't help but laugh harder. Shaking my head, I sat back, running my fingers through short blonde hair.

"Look at the two of is," I chuckled, "both blaming ourselves, causing friction between us when Anna doesn't hold either of us at fault."

"She does though. She may not hold anger towards you, but she does towards me, for taking her mortal life from her. For turning her. For forcing her to feed. She hates me," he mumbled, slumping back.

I shook my head, leaning forward. "She doesn't hate you, Padraig. Not at all. She's upset, overly emotional, confused by new urges and instincts. She may think now that she'd rather meet the sun but I know she's stronger than she thinks. She'll get through this, but you're being too tough on her. You need to let her come to terms with being vampire in her own time. Using your control over her as her maker is only going to cause more damage. She loves you," I pressed, trying to convey the truth in my tone.

"I didn't know what else to do, Shylah. I was watching her waste away in front of me, I snapped. I never should have forced her to feed, but I couldn't let her die," he grit out, raking his fingers through his hair.

I reached out, squeezing his knee, surprised by my own ability to offer comfort in touch. He gave me a small smile before sighing heavily.

"I've convinced her to feed from you for a while. We both know she won't be able to do that forever, but it's a start,"

Relief flickered over tense features and he looked like he was about to slide right off the chair and to his knees. I sat back, watching him with a smile.

"Thank you, Shylah. I'm sorry for being an arse. Atanas has already given me hell for it, and I'm sure Anna will later," he chuckled, his entire demeanor changing. "I guess I needed someone to take my anger out on. Am I forgiven?"

"Of course you are."

He looked like the Padraig I'd first met, the fun loving, cheeky man who'd teased me about not being a morning person. I smiled, hoping I had found a friend in him again, praying that Anna would settle into her new life.

He pulled me to my feet and tugged me tight against his broad chest. I squeaked, my body crushed against his as he held me. Oddly, I'd only just realised that he smelt like cinnamon. Coughing from the door made him let me go and my mate stood looking between us with suspicion.

Padraig grinned, slapping my ass just to get a rise out of his King. Atanas growled, fangs descending in warning. "I'm glad you two have made up but do watch where you put your hands, my friend, or I'll have to chop them off."

I rolled my eyes. We all knew he would do no such thing.

"Forgive me, it's my way of sealing a friendship," Padraig sang as he made his way towards the door, bowing his head to Atanas.

He stopped and spun around, his eyes sparkling as if something had just hit him. " Did you say Anna loves me? She told you that?"

Even Atanas rolled his eyes this time, shoving his friend towards the door so he could go replace Anna. "Blind idiots. The pair of you."

Another overly dramatic bow from Padraig and I was beginning to wonder how hard it was for him to act mad with me. "My King, my Queen."

We watched him go and for the first time in a while, I didn't feel like there was a crushing weight on my shoulders.

"I'm glad you two made up," Atanas said, coming towards me. "But maybe you're a little two friendly with each other now."

I laughed, sprawling out on the chaise lounge, doing my best to look seductive, something I'd never tried before. "Who can blame him for taking his chance to grab my ass?"

"Maybe I preferred you going for each others throats," he growled, dark blue eyes raking over my form.

"I know that's not true."

He chuckled, taking slow steps towards me before kneeling by my side. I twisted to look at him, replaceing that trying to look sexy was entirely uncomfortable.

"We need to talk about what to expect at your coronation," Atanas murmured, his attention focussed on me.

I grinned, glad I could distract him so. Propping my chin on my hand, I hummed. "Why does this coronation feel like a shotgun wedding?"

Atanas blinked and I was disappointed that yet another of my jokes was missed because he'd been locked away for a century. I clucked my tongue, trying to figure out another way to put it.

"It feels like we're rushing, like we're not doing things properly because you want this over with so my position is secure," I explained, watching understanding fill his eyes.

"I promise it's all being done right. As right as we can make it. There's never really been a coronation for a Queen before. Leyla was a Queen by default, she created our race. I was King because I was by her side," he paused when he saw the doubtful look on my face. "There's a first for everything."

I grinned. "Then I feel rather special being the first."