Silent Runner
Facing Fears

“What are you doing here?” I asked, taking a shaky step into the kitchen.

She spun looking even worse with her always bloodshot eyes somehow even brighter. I tried to remind myself that she was as much a victim to her addiction as I had been. Looking at her now that I had been safely away for so long, it was easier to see it.

She stood and walked towards me, arms outstretched, but I stepped backwards and held out a hand. She stopped and I watched as pain flashed through her eyes. She had to know I wouldn’t just run back to her all forgiven.

“I wanted to see you.” She said sadly.

“Did you think that I might not want to see you?” I already knew she didn’t, she never thought of what anybody else wanted.

“I’m your mother, of course you want to see me.” She crossed her arms glaring at me.

“What do you want?” I asked simply.

“I don’t like that disrespectful tone Ethan John Miller. Is that what’s deemed acceptable in this place.” She pointed a threatening finger as if I was still a toddler needing reprimanding.

I stared at her for a long moment before I finally could speak, “Goodbye Janet.”

I turned walking up the stairs and to my room where I shut the door locking it behind me. It was stupid how much that conversation had hurt. She hadn’t changed one bit, she never would. I knew this, yet it killed me to walk away. She was my mother. I wished I had somebody I could talk to, or just be with.

I wondered how Riley handled being unable to talk. Remembering her defeated look at school when Britney had cornered her, I realized it had to be hard.

Yes she spoke in her own way ASL, but how many people could understand her. Yes she could write notes but how many people had the patience to have a conversation like that.

It had to be so lonely. So with that in mind I turned on my computer and started once again trying to learn how to speak her language. It was a good distraction, and it was hours later when Martha came up to bring me dinner and check in on me.

“How are you doing kiddo?” Martha said, coming up behind me and kissing the top of my head.

“Did you know she was coming?” I asked passively.

“No. Absolutely not, I would have talked to you about it. See if you wanted to see her. I didn’t even know she was getting released from the mental health ward today.” She sat on the edge of the bed with a sigh.

I swiveled in the chair to face her but didn’t meet her eyes instead staring down at my hands in my lap.

“I’m sorry. I swear you came in right as I was leaving to text you. I came back when I heard you but you were already gone.” Her voice was pleading.

I nodded, “Okay, thanks for trying to warn me.”

I looked up and tried to smile. I knew Martha was worried, I didn’t want her to worry. Martha was the best person in my life. Uncle Theo was amazing when he was here, but his new job kept him gone for weeks at a time.

I miss him now. I knew if he were here he would take me to the gym. He would show me some new kick or punch and help me to channel my anger and pain that way.

“I told Theo what happened. He’s going to try to cut this trip short and be back by Friday.” Martha informed me, “He said to tell you to work on your left bolo hit. Please not on my walls though.”

She sighed, rolling her eyes.

“He doesn’t have to do that.” I replied.

Honestly though, the thought that he was willing to, made me smile. I really had gotten lucky with these two. They really did love me and always put me first.

“He wants to. He said the deal is almost set anyway. Tony can handle the details.” She chuckled, shaking her head.

There was something she wasn’t telling me. I raised an eyebrow giving her a knowing look.

“He also said if she comes back there’s a BB gun in the closet. Not exactly payback but also not illegal.” She rolled her eyes, “Not that that makes it right.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. Leave it to Uncle Theo to be able to make me laugh at a time like this.

“Seriously Aunty, I’m okay.” I smiled. “Is she gone?”

“Yes and I have asked her to refrain from showing up unannounced.” She frowned. “Can I get you anything else?”

“Thank you.” I said, “I think I’m just going to go to bed. I have school in the morning.”

“Okay, well sleep tight. Let me know if you changed your mind.” She sighed then stood smiling at me again. “I love you Ethan.”

“Love you too. Good night.”

After dinner and a couple more hours of signing lessons online I reluctantly headed to the bathroom. I showered, brushed my teeth, and cleaned the bathroom. I knew I was stalling, but I also knew what awaited me when I closed my eyes.

The nightmares were often so vivid I would wake up with my scars aching. The first few times I thought it had happened again. If therapy did anything though, it helped me categorize dreams versus reality with less difficulty.

That night though the dream was different.

Riley stood frozen in panic as Greg loomed over her the way he used to do to my mother. Riley’s eyes were wide and she was backed into a corner.

Suddenly she looked at me and started signing, but she was going too fast. I knew I had to hear her to understand her but I couldn’t. Her eyes pleaded with me to understand.

When Greg’s figure suddenly turned my mother stood holding a gun as she grinned at me.

“Of course you want to see me, I’m your mother.”

I was so confused but Riley was signing faster than ever now, it seemed impossible to move that fast. What was she saying? Where was Greg? What was happening?

As the gun fired I woke up in my bed panting and tangled in my sheets. The alarm clock read one am and I knew no more sleep would come.

With my dream still weighing heavy on my mind I went back to my computer. I was more determined than ever that I had to speak her language.