The Girl Next Door
The Boy Next Door Chapter 46

Just as I'm adding the finishing touches to a paper, an email pops up in the corner of my computer screen. Everything inside me freezes as I stare at the name. It's as if I'm dangling at the tippy top of a sky-high rollercoaster, perched for a descent. In what universe did I think reaching out to my mother was a good idea? Why did I think it would give me the closure I needed to move on with my life?

C. Radcliffe.

Right now, it seems like the worst thing I could have possibly done.

All of a sudden, I feel like I'm going to puke.

Instead of opening up the message and reading it, I slam the laptop closed and shove away from the table I've been working at. The more distance I put between myself and that computer, the better off I am. My chest feels heavy. It feels as if there is a thousand- pound elephant sitting on it, making it impossible to breathe.

A cold sweat breaks out across my brow as I grab my keys and wallet and head out the apartment. Less than twenty long-legged strides brings me to Alyssa's door. I rap my knuckles against the heavy wood and shift impatiently from one foot to another. I plow a hand through my hair as the seconds pass.

Where the hell is that girl?

I'm about to raise my fist and rap my knuckles against the wood when the door swings wide and I replace Alyssa standing on the other side. Her eyes widen when as she takes me in before throwing a cautious glance over her shoulder. "Hi."

My gaze shifts and I notice Mia sitting on the couch in their living room, watching us with interest.

I couldn't give a damn.

I need Alyssa. And I need her now.

When her gaze returns to mine, it only takes a moment before her expression turns to one of concerns. It's like she realizes without me telling her that something is wrong.

"Hey." My voice drops. "Can you talk?"

"Yeah. What's wrong?"

I jerk my shoulders. There's no way I can get into it here. We need to go somewhere private and talk.

Alyssa shoots another look over her shoulder before clearing her throat. "So....we're going to grab something to eat."

"Really?" Mia points to the empty food container on the coffee table. "You just inhaled an entire enchilada."

Alyssa's eyes narrow. "I have a big appetite. Are you trying to food shame me?"

Her roommate's lips twitch as her shoulders shake with silent laughter. "Not at all."

When color seeps into Alyssa's cheeks, it occurs to me that Alyssa hasn't told Mia what's going on between us. I can't exactly blame her for not telling Mia. Alyssa was more than clear about needing time. She wants to ease into this relationship slowly. After the way I treated her before, I can't blame her for that. I just need to keep proving to her that she can take a chance on me.

Not bothering with any further explanation, she mutters, "I'll see you later." Then she swipes her purse off the credenza in the tiny entryway.

"Yes, we'll definitely talk-"

Alyssa doesn't give Mia a chance to finish the sentence before she's pulling the apartment door closed behind her.

She drags a hand over her face before it settles against her mouth. The words come out sounded mumbled. "I'll have a lot to answer for when I return."

"Sorry. I'm not trying to complicate matters. It's just... my voice trails off.

Her hand falls away from her face before replaceing mine. I stare at our clasped hands and focus on the connection between us. Some of the fear and anxiety that had been bubbling up inside me slowly recedes. My chest doesn't feel quite so heavy anymore. "It's all right." She gives me a tentative smile. "I should really come clean and tell Mia what's going on between us."

For one glorious moment, I forget all about Candance as I step closer and take Alyssa into my arms. "Hmmm. Is there something going on between us?" Why does everything feel so much better when she's locked in my arms?

Her expression softens. "I really hope so."

My lips descend, sliding over hers. Just as I deepen the kiss, needing her sweetness to sooth my soul, her palms press against my chest, creating unwanted space between us.

"Tell me what happened."

That's all it takes for everything to come crashing down on me. And then I'm buried beneath an avalanche of emotion. "Let's go somewhere else and talk about it. Did you want to grab something to eat?"

Alyssa shakes her head and pats her belly. A slight smile curves her lips. "Mia was right. I just inhaled an enchilada. I'm stuffed. How about a walk?"

"Sure, that works." Maybe I can burn off some of this excess energy simmering beneath my skin. Any moment, it's going to burst free.

With our hands threaded together, I push through the stairwell door. It only takes a couple of minutes before we're walking out of the building and heading toward campus. With Alyssa's hand ensconced firmly in mine, I feel like I can breathe again. Even as everything we found on the web a few nights ago circles through my head.

She left me and started another family.

I'm so lost in thought that I don't realize we're on campus until Alyssa points to a park bench off the beaten path on a grassy knoll. "Want to sit over there and talk?"

Dread pools in my belly. As much as I don't want to have this conversation, it needs to be purged from my body before it has a chance to fester. Maybe the smartest thing to do would be to delete the email and pretend I never reached out. But what then? I live the rest of my life like this? Pushing people away so never get a chance to get close and leave like she did?

"Yeah." Not once does my hand leaves hers. I need her strength and support to get me through this.

We settle on the black iron bench. She turns her body so that it faces mine. When I remain silent, she says, "Tell me what happened."

A burst of air escapes from my lungs. "Candance wants to meet."

Alyssa's eyes widen. There's a pause before the question bursts from her lips. "You reached out to her?"

I jerk my head into a regretful nod. It was a moment of weakness in the early hours of the night when I was lying awake, questions eating away at me. I have no idea if I'm ready to come face-to-face with her. I can't image ever being ready for that. I don't even know what I'd say.

Hey, how are you?

How's the fam?

Why did you throw me away and start over?

I wince at the last thought.

"I emailed her after we found her online." I shrug. "I don't know what I was expecting."

That's not altogether true. I haven't heard from the women in more than a decade. I figured she wouldn't bother and then I could put to rest all these feelings inside me. Instead, she responded.

"You reached out and now she wants to meet with you." The corners of Alyssa's lips lift as if she's encouraged by this new development.

Hearing her say those words out loud makes me nauseous. I'm not ready for this. I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready for it.

When I remain silent, she asks, "This is what you wanted, right?"

I plow a hand through my hair and focus on the trees that dot the landscape surrounding us. The picturesque setting with all its greenery and red brick buildings and ivy clinging to the walls isn't enough to distract me. Already leaves are falling to the ground, creating a carpet of golds and reds. "I don't know." I hesitate before adding, "Part of me is sorry that I ever looked her up."

"You don't have to take this any further. You can change your mind." Her fingers tighten around mine. "You don't owe this woman anything."

How sad is that? The woman is my mother. Biologically speaking, anyway.

A fresh wave of grief crashes over me. It sucks that all this has done is dredge up even more emotion inside me. The hurt and pain from her abandonment still lives inside me. Only now do I realize that the memories and damage she inflicted have held me prisoner. Candance might have walked out of my life more than fifteen years ago but she's still controlling it as if she were here beside me and I'm tired of it.

Tired of her having all that power.

There has to be a way to exorcise these demons. What scares me most is that there might not be a way to put the past behind me and move forward. Maybe it's too late. Maybe these feelings are too engrained within me.

I never dealt with the havoc Candance wreaked inside me. Honestly, I thought if I stuffed it down deep enough, I would eventually forget about it. Guess the jokes on me, that never happened. And I've been paying the consequences of it ever since.

When I lived at home, Jenna would broach the subject of counseling every so often and I'd scoff at not only her, but the idea of crying on some stranger's shoulder about the bullshit in the past. I couldn't see how my mother walking out on me when I was just a kid could impact the future or my happiness.

I don't know if that would have saved me from any of the pain I've experienced but it sure as hell couldn't have hurt.

"You're right, I don't owe her anything but maybe I owe it to myself," I finally admit.

"Whatever you decide," Alyssa says, leaning against my shoulder and holding me tight, "I'll be here for you."

Little does she know that those words mean everything.