The Second Hand Man
February 25th, 2001

Yesterday,after I had given the promo spiel at the Balmoral, I instructed my ChiefTechnology and Information Officer to answer any further questions, and thenmade tracks to get the hell out of there as quickly as possible.

But as Ipassed the ladies bar on the way out, my curiosity got the better of me. Erikawas, after all, the catalyst that eventually lead to the construction of theConsciousness Projector.

What harmcould one peek do?

She wasn’tthere! But Willy was. She had to be somewhere in the building…in the vicinity.Maybe she was powdering her nose?

As I glancedback, she suddenly came rushing out of the conference hall. As our eyes met shebecame instantly agitated.

Afterregaining her composure she walked slowly past me and over to the entrance tothe bar. She stopped, seemingly having trouble replaceing something in herhandbag.

Although shewas excellent eye-candy, I didn’t recall what she was wearing that first nightuntil that very moment.

And it wasalso only now that I was critical of her choice in attire.

Why was awoman, I knew to be highly intelligent, dressed so impractically on such a coldnight?

Working for abig local paper, she should have been well aware of the unusual weather thatwas creeping its way into the city.

But, I wassoon to realize, as Chris De Burgh had sung in his song of Patricia theStripper that, ‘This girl was in her working clothes.’ And I’m not referring toher job at The Chronicle.

In fact, herchoice of attire had been highly rational and appropriate – the first timeround that is!

For somereason, on that occasion, that obvious fact had managed to elude me (I guessinfatuation is even more blinding than love? No wonder women replace it so easy topull the wool over our eyes!).

The weakersex? Bah!!!

Erika wasstunningly attractive; wearing a pair of tight-fitting jeans and a low necksweater that displayed ample cleavage, allowing the onlooker to effortlesslycomplete those sensual lines in the recesses of the fertile imagination.

In order todisplay the maximum flesh, she had chosen not to wear anything beneath thesweater. This fact was clearly evident by the two prominent swellings thatliterally pointed out the slight chill in the weather.

I knew it wastime to leave when my own anatomy had felt an involuntary urge to start playingthe weather vane game.

I had seenmore than enough, it was definitely time to get the hell outta there!

“Off so soon?”she asked as I passed her.

I narrowed myeyes. “Do I know you?”

She held outa hand. “Erika Angelo, assistant editor at The Chronicle. Our offices are justa block away.”

“Yes, I know.What were you doing inside the conference hall?”

“Listening toyour talk, of course. Some of the jargon was a little over my head, but theremight be something we could use.”

“That’sstrange?”

“What?”

“Last time you said that…” Last time she had said that she hadn’tattended the promo talk.

“Sorry? Lasttime I said…what?”

I made aquick recovery. “Your paper had said you would definitely print something.”

“And we will.We got a man in there right now talking to your guy.”

“I thought…”

“I’m theassistant editor, not the reporter. I’ll take a look at what he’s done, later.”

“Then why didyou…”

“I normallycome down to the Balmoral to unwind a little after a long day at work.” Sheindicated towards the bar. “They’ve got an authentic wood-burning fireplace inthere. Nice an’ cozy. I need to thaw out a little. Wanna join me?”

“I reallyshould be going.”

“I’m buying?”

“Thanks,but…”

“I’ll makeyou a deal. You have one drink with me, and I promise to give you a reallygood…write up.” She had licked her top lip sensually during the pause.

“Look I…”

“You’repassing a chance for some free advertizing? Come on! I know you’re not gay! Doyou normally let pretty girls beg this hard?”

“How do youknow I’m not…”

“I do myhomework. We got a really thick file on you back at the office.”

She wasn’tgoing to take no for an answer. “One drink.”

“Great! Anddon’t look like you’re on your way to a root canal. I don’t bite!” Then shegave a mischievous grin. “Not unless you want me to?”

“This isWilly,” she said introducing me to Willy Newood. “And Willy, I’d like you tomeet…”

“CorneliusCrane,” said Willy. “CEO of Crane Global Visions.”

“I see you’vealso been doing your homework!” I smiled wryly and shook his outstretched hand.

“What’s thatsupposed to mean?” he asked frowning.

“Nothing,forget about it.”

Erika smiledat Willy, but spoke to me. “Besides being an excellent…barman, Willy here ispractically a walking dictionary of famous film quotes. The man’s knowledge ofthe movies is legendary.” Then she asked Willy, “Go ahead, make my day?”

“Oh, come on,Erika?” said Willy shaking his head. “Everybody knows that one. Sudden Impact.”

“Oh? Ithought it comes from Dirty Harry?”

“Nah, HarryCallahan only says it in the fourth movie, Sudden Impact.”

“See?” shesaid turning back to me. “A veritable well of movie knowledge.”

“Frankly, mydear, I don’t give a damn,” I said dryly.

“Oh, come onman!” exclaimed Willy. “That must be the easiest one ever. Gone with the…”

“No,” I saidinterrupting. “You don’t understand. I was talking to the lady.”

Erika and Iboth laughed. Willy just stood blank-faced and muttered, “Eh?” We laughed evenlouder. “I don’t get it, man?”

“Forget it,Willy!” I said shaking my head. “Say, did you ever hear about that guy who shota jaws?”

“You meanSpielberg?”

“Nah! I meanthe guy who used his rifle to actually kill a jaws.”

“You mean ashark, man?”

“Nah, I meana jaws.”

“What’s ajaws, man?”

“I thoughtyou’d never ask! “Scotch and water; plenty ice!” Erika and I burst out laughingagain.

Willy justfrowned and said, “You got it, man! I knew you were a whisky man.”

“Yep, justlike m’ granpappy. Definitely no apple juice!”

“Eh?”

“And whatsajaws? Will your job allow you to have one as well?”

“Oh, I get itnow. Hey, that’s funny, man!” He laughed before adding. “I’ll be sure to usethat on some of the regulars to get a few free drinks.”

“I wouldnever have considered you the freeloader type?”

“I ain’t nosponge, man. It’s just one of the fringe benefits that come with the job.” Hewinked. “Know what I mean?”

“I surely do.So, whatsa yours gonna be, Willy? Wait, let me guess.” I pretended todeliberate the matter. “You’ll have a brewski? Something out of the tap?”

“You’re good,man,” he said forming his hand into a gun and making a clicking sound at me. “Ilove a long draft.”

“Tall, bitterand cold.”

“Yep!”

“Just likeyour women.”

“Eh?”

“Tall, bitterand cold.”

“You’remaking my mouth water.”

“And acocksucker, too!” It was a statement not a query.

“What?”

“Make sureyou give it a good head, Willy!” I smiled then indicated towards Erika. “Iguess you already know what the lady drinks.” I opened my wallet.

“I said I waspaying,” she said reaching for her purse.

I placed myhand on hers. “Next time, maybe.”

“I thoughtyou said only one drink?”

“I changed mymind.”

“That’s awoman’s prerogative.”

“And that isjust a polite way to say that women are indecisive.”

“Achauvinist?”

“Nope, justold-fashioned in my ways.”

“You’re notold.”

“I saidold-fashioned.”

She touchedthe graying hair near my temple, brushing it back with her fingers. “I thinkyou look quite…distinguished.”

“That’sright, distinguished…not extinguished.”

She forced asmile before saying, “Would you consider yourself to be…eccentric?”

“If I did,then I wouldn’t be.”

“Oh?”

“I believethat true eccentricity is like…insanity. It’s something…natural, not forced orpseudo in its application. Therefore a true eccentric does not believe himselfto be so inclined.”

“Just as atotally insane person believes himself sane?”

“Exactly!Does a mad scientist think of himself as insane or brilliant? DoctorFrankenstein never for one instant ever considered himself to be…”

“That’sfiction. What about you. Do you think you’re a brilliant scientist?”

“No, justextremely lucky.”

“Ah, yes! In your little speech just now, youmentioned that, ‘Crane Global Visions are more innovators than inventors.’ Thatwas a very brave confession.” She raised her glass to me. “I salute you foryour boldness.”

“I’ll drinkto that,” And did.

Shecontinued, “You claim to use Reverse Engineering and the Evolution of Inventionin order to develop most of your…products.”

I raised myglass and said, “And I salute your astonishing powers of recollection.”

“And I’lldrink to that!” She took a long draft before saying, “I understand the conceptof Reverse Engineering – you basically take something apart in order to betterunderstand the principal…or principals by which it functions. Correct?”

“Correct…basically.The object of the exercise is to see if there is some way to duplicate thedevice, but in such a way so that you can call it your own. Sometimes it’s aploy to squeeze around an existing patent.”

“I know!Shit, the Japs have been doing it for ages now!”

“Exactly!Wiley little bastards!”

Willysuddenly asked, “You call me, man?”

I laughed. “Isaid, ‘Wiley’ not ‘Willy,’ but maybe I was calling you.”

“What?”

“Rack us upanother round. We both seem to have run aground already. Must be the chill inthe bones.”

“You got it,man!”

Erikacontinued. “As I was saying earlier, ‘I understand the concept of ReverseEngineering well-enough.” She placed her empty glass on the counter, shruggedher shoulders, turned both her palms up and shook her head. “But I’m afraid Ihave absolutely no idea what the Evolution of Invention is?”

“It’s quitesimple really. A lot of people think that Reverse Engineering and the Evolutionof Invention are one and the same. Wrong! Uh-uh! Very different! Let me try toexplain it to you in layman…laywoman terms.”

“Laywoman…thatsounds very evocative and …suggestive!”

“Shut up,” Isaid with a smile. “I’m explaining.”

“Yes,master!” she smiled back. “Hmm, I like a man who’s forceful.”

“There are 3inventors. Let’s call them simply A, B and C.”

“Uh-huh,” shesaid with a look of interest that was too forced and artificial. “Go on.”

“Man Ainvents the Wheel – on its own it is a device able to do little more than rolldown a hill.”

“He couldbuild a cart?”

“Would youshut up so I can explain? Stop jumping the gun!”

“Sorreee…goon!” She pulled a hand across her mouth. “It’s zipped. I won’t say anotherword. Promise. Go on. Not another wo…”

“Shut thefuck up!” She pulled two hands across her mouth. I continued, “So, as I wastrying to explain before I was so rudely interrupted – Man A invents the Wheel.That’s it for A – end of the story for him!

“Next comesalong Inventor B who invents the Simple Lever – a long plank with a fulcrumplaced near the end. This is basically a see-saw with the turning point movedto one side.” I used a swizzle-stick and a matchbox to demonstrate. “By placinga heavy load on the short end and then applying a force on the extremity of thelong end, he is able to lift the heavy load with relative ease. This device hasits limitation in that it can only move the load up and down.” I pumped theswizzle-stick up and down. “See?”

She noddedbefore saying, “I guess a crowbar would be a good example of where a simplelever can be put to practical use?”

I turned toWilly and said, “Give this lady a cigar!”

I burst outlaughing as the stupid prick removed a cigar from the shelf and plonked it infront of her before asking, “You smoke cigars, Erika? Shit, you never evertol…”

“It’s just afigure of speech, Willy,” she said visibly agitated.

I couldn’tresist adding, “An idiom, that’s with an m, not a t.”

She pushed the cigar back at Willy. “Right, itmeans…”

“Wait!” Isaid grabbing the cigar and putting it into my breast pocket. “I want to haveit.”

“You smokecigars?” she asked.

“No, I wantit for a keepsake.”

“Of what?”

I wantedbadly to say, ‘Of a reminder of what an idiotic arsehole Willy is.’ Instead, Isaid, “Of our meeting.”

She grinnedand fluttered her eyelashes. “Why, do you think I’m special?”

I could havesaid, ‘Very much so. You were the catalyst or inspiration behind the evolutionof the invention of the Consciousness Projector.’ Instead, I simply avoidedanswering by continuing with the explanation. “Where was I? Oh yes, Man A – theWheel! Man B – the Simple Lever!

“Now, alongcomes C who in a moment of brilliant inspiration combines invention A withinvention B and voila we have the Wheelbarrow, a device capable of moving aheavy load across a great distance.”

“Fascinating!”

“Well, thatis really just a very simple explanation of the basic principal.”

“That’senough about your work, for now. I want to hear about you.”

“I am mywork.”

“No, I wantto know what you do when you’re not working. What does Cornelius Crane likedoing for recreation?”

“I…”

“Hold thatthought Mr. Distinguished-looking,” she said picking up her handbag. “I need topowder my nose. Now, don’t you run off while I’m gone.”

I knew whatwas coming next, because only now was I aware of how well-rehearsed the wholeset-up had been originally.

Yep, nosooner had Erika disappeared inside the ladies room, when Willy came over.

“Hey, man,”he said holding his hand next to his mouth as if to tell me a secret; taking meinto his confidence. “I gotta tell you something.”

“Yeah?”

“Erika comesin here quite often, and I never seen her like this, man”

“Yes, I justhappened to notice that you’ve been looking in our direction quite a bit.”

“She got thehots for you pretty bad, man.”

“Really?” Iasked trying to conceal the sarcasm in my tone.

“I wouldn’tlie to you, man. She wants you real bad.”

“I see! So,you’re what…an Erika expert?”

For a momenthe was stunned into silence, but then asked, “What do you mean, man?”

“I mean haveyou ever fucked her?”

There wasanother stunned silence before, “Uh…no, man.”

“That’s not avery convincing no.”

He suddenlyand miraculously had the answer, “We’re not allowed to fraternize with thecustomers, man.”

“Yeah?”

“Uh-huh.”

“But you beenfraternizing with us the whole evening so far.”

“I’m talkingabout trying the serious shit, man. Know what I mean?”

“Yeah, likefucking the customers!”

“Whoa, man,”he said looking around nervously. “Keep your voice down. I lost my last jobbecause I got too friendly with the ladies.”

“Where wasthat?”

“A hotel downin Florida. I was doing pretty well for myself, man. Playing toyboy to allthose rich bitches.”

I playeddumb. “Toyboy?”

“You know,pleasing all them older ladies from up north.”

“Yeah?”

“Uh-huh.”

“So, screwingold ladies is a turn on for you?”

“No man, itwas just for the green.”

“How did youmanage to get it up, then?”

He closed hiseyes and smiled. “I just closed my eyes and pretended I was doing it to thathot number on the shopping channel. You know the one who advertizes thatexercising machine, the one that…”

“So whathappened? How’d you lose your job?”

“I gotcareless, man. I do my moves on this tough-looking number from Ohio. I’m like,‘Hey mamma, if you’re a boytoy I’d love to be your toyboy.’ I should have knownbetter, man. Turns out she’s a carpet muncher.”

I played dumbagain. “Eh?”

“A fuckin’lesbian, man.” I laughed loudly and he lamented, “Yeah, and she made enoughnoise to make sure I wasn’t gonna get another job on either coast. That’s whyI’m stuck here in this shithole now.”

“I happen tolive in this shithole.”

“Hey, sorry,man! It’s just that I used to go surfin’ in my spare time. I hate being so farfrom the ocean, man. Know what I mean?”

“So, what areyour plans for the future, then?”

“As soon as Iget enough cash together, I’m gonna buy me my own bar.”

“What’s abartender make these days?”

“Not much,man. It’s gonna take awhile, but I’ll get there.”

“That’s thespirit, Willy. You gotta keep that dream alive.”

“You said it,man!”

I took a $100bill out of my wallet. “I hope this helps you get just a little closer to thatdream, Willy.” I folded it and placed it into the tip jar.

“Hey, thanks,man!” He pointed two finger guns at me. You are the man. You know that? You arethe man.”

“Yeah, soyou’ve been telling me the whole night.”

“I mean it,man!”

“What do youmean, Willy?” asked Erika returning from the Ladies Room.

“He means tobuy the next round of drinks.”

“You said itman. This round is on Willy.”

Erikafrowned, “I’m gone 5 minutes and you manage to convince the barman to buy thenext round?”

“I’m a prettypersuasive person. Besides, we all gotta pay sometime.”

“Does thatinclude me?”

“Especiallyyou! You gonna pay big!”

“Oooh, thatsounds…exciting!”

“It’s gonnabe spectacular!”

“Promise?”she asked taking the fresh drink from Willy.

“Oh, Ipromise alright.”

“When?”

“Soon…verysoon.”

It was aquarter to midnight when we stepped out into the cold night air outside theBalmoral.

She was hanging tightly onto my arm when shenoticed me looking at my watch. “What time is it?” she slurred and stuttered.

“It’s aquarter to the bitchin’ hour.”

“I believethat should be witching.”

“Same thing,”I said dryly before asking, “Which way you headed?”

“Uptown,” shesaid sliding her hand inside my jacket and removing the cigar. She slid itunder her nose and sniffed. “I think you’re special too. I don’t mean in theway that the rest of the world sees you. I mean as a human being. The worldsees the great inventor…innovator. I see more…much, much more. The…personality.It is our personality that ultimately defines the whole person. Wouldn’t youagree?”

“Indubitably,”I said before gazing up and down the street. “You wanna share a cab?”

She staredintently at me. “I’d rather share a bed.”

“You’reserious?”

“Deadserious!”

“You don’twaste time?”

“Come on!Admit it?”

“What?”

“That youfeel it too. There’s something special happening here. I know we just met, butI feel as though I’ve known you forever. Admit it, you feel the same.”

“It’s calledsoulmates.”

“Yeah, soulmates.That’s a lovely word. I love it!” She looked back at the hotel entrance andsaid, “I want you. I want you, now!”

“Let’s get aroom.”

“My thoughtsexactly. See how alike we are?”

The man atthe reception desk looked us up and down.

“You heardhim, Malcolm!” said Erica sounding agitated. “Mr. and Mrs. Crane. And don’tgive us any fucking shit about it either.”

“I wasn’tabout to, Erika.” He took a key from one of the hooks and handed it to her.“Three ten…third floor…last door to your right.” Then he sang, “Pleasantdreams! I’ll tell Willy you said hi.”

“Shut thefuck up, Malcolm. I’m in no mood for your sarcasm tonight.”

In theelevator I asked, “What was that all about?”

“Forget aboutit!”

“Forget aboutwhat?”

She gazed upfrom my chest where her head was resting. “Oh, I am so gonna screw your brainsout. Now that you’ve explained the Evolution of Invention to me in laywomanterms, it’s time to lay the woman in no uncertain terms.”

“I couldn’thave said it better myself.”

“That’sbecause we’re soulmates. We can finish each other’s senten...”

“I think theonly way I can get you to stop talking so much is like this.” I pulled hercloser and we kissed long and passionately. She would never know that it wasnot the first time for me that our lips were meeting. When we finally separatedshe said, “That sounded good didn’t it?

“Mr. and Mrs.Crane?”

“You see,”she said too excitedly. “You knew exactly what I was thinking about. Yes! Mr.and Mrs. Crane! Such a nice ring to it!”

How I evermanaged to fall for her shit the first time round, I’ll never know? I guesslove really is blind?

The board isset. The first moves have been made. There’s no need to consider twenty movesahead when you already know exactly how the game will end. I’ve said it before,‘Knowledge is power. Knowledge of the future is absolute power!’

I thought Iwould have trouble making love to her again, but she’s a beautiful woman withan amazing body. And although I am loath to admit, very good in bed, even ifshe did pretend to have several orgasms during the course of the long steamynight.

It might havebeen chilly outside, but we managed to generate some serious heat – and wedidn’t even have a fireplace.

I know thatErika is feeling a great sense of accomplishment at the moment, but it isnothing compared to the victory that lays ahead for me.

Not too longto go!

Less thanseven months!!!