Tore Up (Mississippi Smoke Series Book 1)
Tore Up: Chapter 18

I found somewhere to put away the last of the things that Grissele had bought for me. She had asked if she could take me to get me a new bra that fit, and I agreed, thinking I was going to pay for it. That was not what happened. It hadn’t taken me long to realize I’d been tricked into a shopping spree.

I had three new bras. She had insisted that I have a white, beige, and black one. If I’d let her, she’d have bought me every color under the rainbow, but I’d assured her that these were more than enough. The panties, silk pajama sets, and bikinis, however, she snuck in there somehow. I hadn’t realized she had added those until I unpacked the bags.

I’d felt a little like she was playing dress-up with me when she took me to buy outfits that would work with my growing stomach. There were three different ladies who brought me clothing to a large, private area with a dressing room. Grissele sat on in a high-back white velvet chair, drinking a glass of champagne, while I tried things on, then came out to model them for her. She was so happy about it all that I just let her have her way. Telling her I didn’t need that much was pointless. She’d argued that I would indeed need it very soon.

Then, there were the four pairs of new shoes and, of course, my purse. The dresser in this room wasn’t nearly large enough to hold all she’d bought. I had taken out my things that were in there and moved them to the corner, folded neatly, then put the new things that weren’t on hangers in the drawers. The outfits that were in the clothing bag and needed to be hung, I kept them in the bag and laid it over the top of the dresser.

Unwrapping the picture frame I had picked up in the last store she had taken me to, I put it on the bed, then got my photos and chose the one of his little face to put in it. The frame was a blue heart, outlined in opal-colored rhinestones. Placing his photo inside, I smiled down at it, remembering how surreal it had been to see him moving on the large screen today and realizing that he was inside me. I placed the photo on the bedside table, then sat on the edge of the bed to look at it.

Grissele had cried and laughed during the ultrasound. She’d said he had Crosby’s nose and lips. I studied it and had to agree. He did. I wondered if he would be as beautiful as Crosby. I wanted him to have Crosby’s hair. I’d loved his hair.

Pulling my feet up, I crossed them and let my thoughts go to my son. I couldn’t think about the other stuff. The things Linc had told me. What I’d heard. If I went there, I would fall apart again. I didn’t want to allow that emotion in. Too much hurt from my family had already marked me. It was a part of who I had become. The choices I’d made. Knowing that they hadn’t just left me, but it had been planned by all of them. They’d known I was pregnant and had no problem leaving me on my own.

No. I was thinking happy thoughts. The baby in that photo was the happiest thought I’d had in a very long time. I hadn’t expected to feel the joy that hit me today at the sight of him. It surprised me. As I’d watched him, it had sunk in that I loved him, and no matter what I had to do, I’d protect him. He would never feel alone or unwanted. I would love him so much that he never questioned his self-worth.

“Knock, knock,” a deep voice said.

I turned to see Than standing in the doorway. “Hey.”

“You never came to the game room,” he said to me. “Thought you might be hungry.”

“I’m good, but thank you, and thanks for bringing up all my things.”

He shrugged and walked into the room. “I was happy to. So, how’d the appointment go?”

I pointed at the frame, and he came closer, then took a seat beside me on the bed. He stared at it silently for several moments. Then, he sucked in a deep breath.

“The blue means it’s a him?” he asked, his voice a raspy whisper.

“Yes,” I replied.

“Whew. Damn,” he said, then chuckled softly. “I need a minute.” He rubbed at his face and sighed, then sniffled a little before looking back at the photo, then at me. “I know moms hate to hear this, but your kid looks like his dad.”

I laughed. “I don’t mind. I thought his dad was beautiful.”

“We could have saved the trouble of a paternity test and just had the fucking ultrasound,” he joked. “That baby has Cash written all over it. I bet Grissele was a mess when she saw this. I mean, a happy mess.”

I nodded. “She cried and laughed a lot.”

“Yeah,” he said, looking at the photo. “You showed Bane.”

It wasn’t a question, but I nodded anyway.

“That’s why he’s been MIA. I guess I hadn’t thought of it as being real yet, and seeing him and seeing Crosby in him, that’s … intense. Bane, he’s not an emotional guy. Most assholes lack that ability, but the past two months, he’s had emotions rip him open. This picture … ” He blew out a breath. “If it shook me, I know it was a hard slam in the chest for him.” He held up his hands. “Not bad. I mean, good. It’s … it’s like he’s not completely gone. If that makes sense.”

When he talked about all Bane had been through and the pain he’d suffered, it was difficult to hate him for holding a knife at my throat and firing off a gun so close to the side of my head. He had a tortured soul, and when all the reasons were peeled back, it came down to me. Crosby would be alive if he had never met me. Bane had every right to hate me.

Than slapped his hands on the tops of his thighs. “Okay, that’s enough of that. Come downstairs and eat. Everyone is gone. They headed to Locke and Gathe’s. We’ve got pizza, hot wings, and cheesy bread left over.”

His expression was so hopeful as he stood up and held out a hand to me that I didn’t want to tell him no. I laid my hand in his, and he tugged me up.

“You can keep me company. How do you feel about horror films?”

“Um …” I replied, not sure that was good for me and my nightmares, but I did have the sleep aid that the doctor had given me. “Scary-dolls horror or psychos?” I asked him.

He wiggled his eyebrows. “Neither. Aliens.”

I thought for a minute, and that seemed unrealistic. “The old one?” I’d seen that one, and I hadn’t thought it was that scary.

“New. Alien: Romulus.”

Aliens were not going to bother me. “I think I’ll manage.”

He beamed before heading down the stairs. “Come on, little momma. Let’s go have us a movie night.”

I paused. “What did you just call me?”

He glanced over his shoulder. “Little momma. It fits. Don’t be difficult.”

I laughed, and he continued down the stairs. That felt good. Laughing. I understood why this was Crosby’s best friend. He was easy to be around and impossible not to like.

I pulled back the covers on my bed, then brushed my fingers along the silky edge of my new sleep shorts. They were a pretty pale blue and felt amazing. I’d never owned a pair of actual pajamas. I had always slept in Ares’s old shirts or a tank top and a pair of panties. These felt so luxurious; I understood the reason people wanted to wear them to sleep.

There was a knock on my door, and I straightened, looking at the door, confused. Who was that? No one had been here when the movie ended, and I’d told Than good night before coming up here.

“Come in?” I said, although it sounded a little like a question.

The door opened, and Bane appeared. He didn’t enter, but leaned against the doorframe. His hair looked damp, and I’d think it was from a shower, but the wifebeater he was wearing clung to his chest. There was also a sheen to his skin that I tried not to dwell on as I managed to smile at him. Keeping my eyes on his face was difficult though because he had on shorts, and I was pretty sure I’d glimpsed bare feet. I was curious. That was all.

“Enjoy the movie?” he asked.

I scrunched my nose. “It was scarier than I’d thought it would be.”

He narrowed his gaze. “It’s not gonna have you screaming in the middle of the night, is it?”

I picked up the pill bottle with my new sleep aids in it, then showed him. “Let’s hope these work.”

Bane flicked his eyes to the bottle, then stopped and went back to the framed picture on the nightstand. He looked at it for a moment, then turned his attention back to me. “I saw the video of the ultrasound,” he told me. “If you want to see it again, let me know. I have it on my phone now.”

He’d asked his mom for it. That made me feel … almost warm toward him.

“I’d like to see it tomorrow, if that’s okay,” I told him.

He nodded. “I’ll tell you what. I’ll load it to the system in the great room and show you how to watch it whenever you want.”

Delight trickled through me at the idea of being able to do that. “Really? That’s … thank you,” I replied.

He nodded his head once, then pushed off from the frame and reached for the doorknob to close the door without another word. I stood there, listening to his footsteps on the stairs until they were gone.

What had just happened? Had we just … had a pleasant conversation?

Shaking my head at the thought, I climbed into bed, hoping that small pill worked its magic.

My eyes opened, and the sunlight shone through my window. I stared at it, realizing I’d not woken up all night.

Taking a deep breath, I paused. Frowning, I inhaled again. Why did I smell fresh-cut oak, smoke, and spice? That was what Bane smelled like, and although it frustrated me, how enticing it was, I shouldn’t be smelling him.

I swung my gaze to the closed door. His tiny visit in my doorframe last night would not have left his scent clinging to the room like this. Would it? Besides, he had been sweaty. I doubted he smelled that good when he was coated in sweat. If he did, that was just an unfair advantage.

Sitting up, I looked down at my bed and studied it. My sheets weren’t a tangled mess around my legs, but almost too smooth. As if I hadn’t moved all night long. Normally, I threw a leg out or kicked some off. This appeared untouched.

Bane’s scent was still surrounding me. Maybe it was a pregnancy thing. I was concocting a smell I liked in my memory. That would really suck if that was the case. If my subconscious was going to choose scents, then I’d like another one, please. Any other one. Just not Bane’s.

Shaking that thought away, I stood up. This must be some weird aftereffect of the sleep aid. With a quick peek at my baby boy on the bedside table, I smiled, then headed over to decide on something to wear.

I hadn’t discussed with Bane what I would do during the days. While I lived here, I couldn’t just lie around like a diva. There were five men in this house, so there had to be plenty of dirty laundry. Everything was always so clean; I didn’t know who was doing that, but I’d replace out.

Maybe I could replace a job. I didn’t know how far away they were from town. Getting there and back would be an issue, unless one of them had a bike. Mine had been left at Nicco’s apartment. I stilled, closed my eyes, and pushed that memory back, refusing to start thinking about all of that again. So far, today had started out good. I’d slept all night. Bane hadn’t been forced to come wake me up and sleep on the floor. No thinking about the bad. I had to keep from stressing and worrying. My attitude affected the baby. I’d read that in the book Dr. Stella had given me.

That reminded me. It had examples of meals I should be eating to get all the right things for the baby. I’d not been doing a good job of that, and today, I was going to make an effort to do it correctly. I wondered who did their grocery shopping. I could do that for them.

Grabbing a pair of black linen shorts, a sleeveless white top with black piping, my white bra, and a pair of new black satin-and-lace panties, I headed for the bathroom to get a shower. I intended to get myself together today. Focus on my pregnancy. The other things—the stuff that hurt, Crosby’s death, the family that didn’t want me—that was all off-limits in my head.