Tore Up (Mississippi Smoke Series Book 1)
Tore Up: Chapter 38

I sat with my elbows resting on my thighs as I stared at my brother’s grave. This was the first time I’d come back here. I hadn’t been able to bring myself before, knowing he was buried underground. It had hurt too damn much to think about.

“I fucked up,” I said aloud. “And I thought I could fix it. Get my head clear. But it’s not working.”

Rolling my head around, I cracked my neck. I felt like I hadn’t slept in five fucking days.

“Telling you I understand, that I get it, doesn’t make it better either, does it?” I said.

My eyes went to the date on the tombstone. Fuck.

“You’ve not been gone three full months yet. Hell, you’d think my fucking grief would have stopped me. I thought I hated her. But that is literally impossible.” A hard laugh came from my chest. “But again, you would know. You were ready to cause a fucking uproar in the family over her. And if that bastard hadn’t shot you, I have no doubt you’d have gone through with it. You would have moved her in with you.”

Jesus.

I ran my hand over my face. “Dammit, Crosby, I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t make it better, but I don’t know what else to say to you, little brother. I can’t help it. I can’t! And, GOD, I wanted to make it stop. I hated myself for not being able to ignore her. I fucking loathed myself for wanting her so damn bad. Every day, it just gets more intense. I’m losing my shit. My damn sanity is snapping.”

I dropped my head into my hands and let out a ragged sigh. I was talking to a grave as if it could respond.

“To add to my sins, she’s too young. She’s vulnerable. And so fucking broken, but not damaged. She should be. The shit life she’s had … it would have destroyed other people. But not her. She smiles and laughs. She tries so hard. She’s determined to please.

“Fuck,” I groaned. “She’s under my skin, brother.”

I stood up. “I don’t know what to do,” I said. “She was yours. That baby is yours. You lost your life because of them. And I wanted to fucking despise her for it. Hell, I did. I loathed her existence. Until I was around her. Watched her. Got to know her. I can’t fucking hate her anymore. You were killed because you had fallen in love with a girl that any man would fall in love with once he got to know her. She’s worth loving. She’s … impossible not to love.”

I closed my eyes tightly and inhaled as the stabbing pain of betrayal pierced my chest. “I love her, Crosby. I have fallen in love with your girl.”

The silence of the night was my response. I was in a cemetery, talking to myself. Baring my soul to my brother’s grave. It wasn’t like I could admit this to anyone else. But I had to tell someone.

“GODDAMMIT!” I shouted, turning to slam my fist into the tree trunk behind me.

I stood there, breathing hard, trying to get a handle on my rage.

“When we lost you, all I could think was how it should have been me to go. I wanted more than anything to take your place.” I looked back at the grave. “And now, I’d walk into hell and give the Devil my soul if I could bring you back for her. But I can’t. It doesn’t fucking work that way. I will never be you. I can’t take your place. But I want her. I just wish there were a way for you to tell me if that was okay. To let me know that you want me to be the one to take care of her. To love her. To love your son.”

I reached up and wiped at the tears on my face that I hadn’t known were there. Reaching into my pocket, I took out the ultrasound picture of my brother’s son and placed it on the cold marble. I covered it with the thick-cut piece of glass I had brought with me.

“He looks like you. Already too damn pretty for his own good,” I told him, then stood back up.

With one last glance, I started back toward the car.

The burner phone I’d taken with me so that Linc could get in touch with me rang in my pocket. Stopping, I pulled it out.

“Yeah?” I said, my voice hoarse.

“You need to get back,” Linc informed me.

I wasn’t ready. Especially right now.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because Than just called me, panicked. They can’t replace Halo.”

Dread slammed into my chest as I began stalking toward my truck. “What do you mean, Linc? Where was she?”

“Swimming in the pool. They were watching a game. Than went to check on her when she hadn’t come in yet, and she was gone.”

“DID THEY NOT CHECK THE GODDAMN PROPERTY?!” I roared, jerking my truck door open.

“Easy.” The threat in his tone didn’t faze me.

“She couldn’t have gotten out of the gate. What about security cameras?” I asked through the tight grip of fear squeezing my throat.

“She walked to the side of the house. Then, she went out of view.”

“I’m on my way,” I snarled, then threw the phone into the seat beside me.

Backing out of the parking lot, I glanced back at my brother’s grave. The guilt eating me alive had been consumed by fear. If she had walked out into the dark and gotten lost … she could be hurt. She was alone. I’d left her there. No one else could take care of her like me.

I didn’t stop at the house as I drove by it. I turned my headlights on low as I headed to the path that went back to the rest of the property until it stopped outside the woods. Than’s Range Rover was there.

Climbing out, I slammed the door and started stalking into the woods. Ransom called my name, and I turned to the left to see him coming out of the thickest wooded area.

“She’s not this way. Than went down the middle, Oz is on the east side, and Forge went on the front right side of the house.”

They were all out here, and no one had found her yet? Fuck!

My heart was hammering so hard in my chest that I could hear it.

She was out here, alone somewhere. I had to replace her. Moving toward the middle, which was a direct path from the backyard, I decided it was the most likely way she’d have gone.

She had to be okay. She fucking had to be okay.

“I GOT HER!” Than shouted.

I broke into a run toward the sound of his voice. Shoving branches and scanning the darkness until I saw him. His arm was around her. She was wrapped in a towel.

Ignoring him, I scooped her up into my arms. Wide eyes stared up at me. Her face was streaked with tears. The sorrow shining in them ripped at my soul.

What had happened?

“She was sitting on a log,” Than said.

I couldn’t say anything just yet. At least not to him. To any of them. They’d done something. She had been so fucking upset that she walked into the woods.

“You’re back.” Her voice was raspy.

“I am.”

She sighed and rested her head against my chest. “I’ll leave. You can stay.”

My arms tightened around her. Like fucking hell she was going anywhere. But we’d discuss that later. Right now, I had to get her home.

Oz stepped in front of me, coming from another direction, and walked toward my truck. He opened the driver’s door, then nodded his head for me to go to the passenger side. I didn’t argue. Letting her go wasn’t something I wanted to do.

When I reached the truck, Ransom opened the passenger door for us, and I climbed inside. He closed us in, and Oz headed toward the house.

“What happened?” I bit out, fucking livid with every damn one of them.

“Don’t know,” he replied and glanced at me. “But she hasn’t been eating much or saying a lot. Before you start taking swings, you might want to look in a mirror.”

When I winced, my arms flexed, and she stared up at me.

I tried to leave, little brother. This is what happened. She needs me.

I pressed a kiss to her forehead, not giving one fuck about Oz seeing it. They were all gonna have to accept it. I’d tried. I couldn’t turn this off.

He barely rolled to a stop when I swung open the door and climbed out.

“I can walk,” she said softly.

“No, you can’t,” I replied. Because I needed to hold her. It was all that was keeping me calm.

“He’d have wanted it to be you,” Oz called out behind me, and I stilled but didn’t turn around. “He wouldn’t have wanted her to do this alone. He’d have wanted her taken care of. And he would have wanted it to be you. If someone else got to love her, you’d have been his choice.”

My chest burned. I started walking again and didn’t slow down until we were in my bedroom. I sank down with her on the large black leather chair that sat in the corner of my room. She tried to get up, and I shook my head, not loosening my grip. I wasn’t ready to talk just yet. I pressed my lips to her head again and inhaled.

“Bane,” she said.

“Yeah?” I replied, my voice thick with emotion.

“What are you doing?”

The corner of my mouth twitched. Acting like a fucking psycho. “Holding you.”

She let out a shaky breath. “Um, I got that. I meant, why are you holding me?”

That was a loaded question. I wasn’t sure she wanted that truth just yet.

“You scared me.”

“I’m sorry.”

I closed my eyes. Was Oz right? I wanted him to be. I really fucking wanted him to be.

“Why did you walk into the woods, pretty girl?” I asked her, moving back so I could see her face.

The surprised look on her face made me smile. God, I’d missed her.

I brushed my thumb over her cheekbone. “You not gonna tell me?”

She licked her lips, her eyes searching my face. “You called me pretty girl.”

“I did.”

When she didn’t say anything else, only staring up at me with uncertainty, I traced her lips with my finger. “Talk to me.”

She inhaled deeply. “I wasn’t sure. I debated back and forth, but it was real. Not just my dreams. You were in my bed.”

“You remember the other nights?”

She nodded. “Yes. But I thought I was dreaming. You called me pretty girl and sweet girl.”

“How do you feel about that? Knowing I was getting in your bed while you slept. Touching you.”

Her chest rose and fell. “I … I liked it.”

I chuckled. “You did, huh?”

She nodded.

“I put my cum in your mouth. Had you suck it off my thumb.”

She bit her bottom lip and lowered her lashes. “I know,” she replied. “There was some on my stomach … and I tried some of it.”

This was not the time for my cock to get hard, but it seemed that it didn’t care.

“Tell me how you did that?” I asked, knowing we had other things to discuss, but my depraved mind needed this image.

“I scooped it up with my fingers and then licked it off.”

I closed my eyes and bit back a curse. Fucking hell.

“Why were you in the woods?” I asked, opening my eyes back up to look down at her.

Whatever the reason had been, she did not want to tell me. But the pain in those blue eyes wasn’t acceptable. She’d had enough fucking pain.

“Please, tell me what happened.”

“Can’t I just apologize and we forget it?”

I smiled. “No. Because you are hurt. It’s in your eyes, and I can’t take that. I want to know what happened so I can go make sure it never happens again.”

She tried to move again, and I shook my head.

“Let me sit up at least,” she said.

I liked holding her this way. Cradling her to me. But I gave in and allowed her to sit up. The towel fell down her shoulders, and her plump, full breasts—which looked ready to fall out of her top—were right there in my line of sight. Distracting me.

Chill bumps broke out on her skin, and she shivered.

“Cold?” I asked, glancing around for something close to cover her with.

“No,” she replied.

My eyes went back to her face. “You shivered, and you’ve got goose bumps.”

She dropped her gaze. Thick, long black lashes fanned her cheekbones. “It’s because of how you were looking at my breasts,” she said just above a whisper.

This girl was going to kill me.

“They’re real fucking tempting,” I told her.

Her eyes shot back up to mine. “You think so?”

I nodded. She didn’t need to know what all I thought.

A small smile touched her face. That was all it took to get that heartbreaking look out of her eyes? Maybe I should list the rest of the parts on her that drove me crazy.

“Pretty girl,” I warned.

Her eyes flared. She liked me calling her that.

“You keep looking at me that way, and I’m going to pull this excuse for a bikini top down and suck on your nipples.”

Her mouth fell open just a little.

Fuck it. I wasn’t going to be able to hold myself back.

I reached up with both hands and pulled the top down, freeing both tits at once.

“Oh!” she gasped.

I leaned forward and licked one of her perfect, pebbled nipples as she made more sexy noises. Pulling it into my mouth, I sucked hard. Her hands went to the back of my head and held me there.

“Bane,” she moaned. “Oh God, that feels good.”

I lifted my eyes to look at her as I moved to the other breast. Her beautiful face watched me as if I were the most fascinating thing in the world. The shit I wanted to do to her. To see that look on her face.

I shoved my hand into the front of her bottoms, and her head fell back.

“Please,” she pleaded, lifting her hips.

“Already dripping,” I praised. I wanted my mouth on this.

Picking her up, I walked over to the bed and laid her down. I started to reach up and pull off her bottoms when my eyes locked on a long, bloody scratch on her left leg. Then her feet. They were covered in dried blood.

Fuck! She was hurt.

I took her leg and examined it for any other wounds, then moved to the other. Furious with myself, I scooped her up and headed for the en suite. She had dirt on her feet. Her wounds could get infected.

“What’s wrong?” she asked in a shaky voice.

“You’re hurt,” I told her, then set her down on the edge of the tub before going over to the walk-in shower to turn it on. When I was satisfied with the temperature, I went back to her and untied the back of the top, then pulled it off her body, dropping it to the floor.

“Stand up, pretty girl,” I told her.

She did, and her small wince only made me angrier with myself. I should have considered she’d been barefoot. Taking the sides of her bikini bottoms, I tugged them down her legs, and the sight of her bare mound made me want to groan. I could see her sweet juices coating the lips. I wanted to lick it so bad that my mouth was watering, but she needed to be taken care of first.

I inhaled the scent of her arousal before reaching for my boots and socks to get rid of them and set them aside. I straightened back up and unzipped my jeans and shoved them down, stepping out of them. I jerked my shirt over my head, then went to pick her back up, trying not to react to the way she was looking at my body. My cock was already fully erect, and I knew she could see it. My boxer briefs did little to hide it. The damn tip was already trying to come out of the waistband. But they were a barrier of some kind and right now I needed one. If my swollen head brushed up against her I wasn’t sure I could keep from grabbing her and sinking inside like a man possessed.

“I can walk.”

“No, you can’t. Your feet are all cut up.”

She laid a hand on my pec. I had to get her clean. Stay focused. Mend her wounds.

Then, I could eat her pussy.