What Follows
20.1: A Garden of Blues

′i am sick to death of this particular self. i want another.′

I’m standing in front of William’s house, watching Tobias lean against the front door with Benji’s leash wrapped around his wrist. He’s staring at me with a smile, but it’s too dark to see the twinkle in his eyes or the glisten of his lips.

“It’s a starry night,” he tells me. “I haven’t seen one in a while. In five cycles.”

I look up at the blanket of blackness above us and try to tuck in the tears I’ve been crying nonstop ever since I’ve left Jacob. I try to stare down at a particularly bright star, hoping that Tobias would blame the stars’ light and not my pain for my teary eyes.

“I have the oddest of desires,” he then tells me and I look down at him. He’s grinning and has his hands shoved in his pockets.

I roll my eyes with a weary smile. “To feel?”

“That’s not odd,” he tells me with a slight shrug. “I want to have bubble gum.”

I blink at him for a while, not sure if I heard right. ”Gum?"

“I won’t be able to taste it, I know,” he tells me with a wide smile and dreamy eyes. “I want to look cool for you, you know? Blow bubbles, wear leather and sunglasses, even at night.”

I lift my brows and chuckle incredulously. “A gum isn’t the way.”

Tobias straightens up, looking offended. “I thought you’d tell me I was already cool enough.”

I smirk in response.

Tobias pushes himself off the door and gets closer to me. “Stop being rude,” he tells me playfully. “It might be our last day,” he teases, tilting up my chin.

I slap his finger away and he smiles. “That would be a dream come true.”

Tobias narrows his eyes at me and almost replies when Benji starts barking wildly and pulling at his arm by the leash. Tobias looks down with a frown and kneels in front of a deeply disturbed Benji.

"Hey bud," he whispers, rubbing his fur to help him calm down. He doesn’t. He wags his tail excessively and barks at me.

Tobias looks up with a nose crinkle. “What have you done to piss him off?”

I frown in response. “I don’t know?” I tell him. “Maybe he’s hungry?”

Tobias doesn’t respond as he tries adjusting Benji’s collar. “Is it too tight, buddy?" He talks to him, but Benji is restless and almost runs away if it weren’t for Tobias who’s hugging him and patting down his fur.

“What’s wrong?" Tobias then asks worriedly. “He’s never acted that weirdly,” he tells me as Benji continues barking at me.

Tobias then tilts his head a bit and tries to look behind me. I absently turn around to replace William standing, chatting with a guy as tall as him. A guy so familiar, I’m certain I saw before.

When I glance back at Tobias, he’s already up with a barking Benji cradled in his arms.

He’s blinking at a point behind my shoulders and I frown confusedly. “Hey, Tobias,” I start. “You seem more worried than I am in my dimension.”

Tobias slowly looks back at me and blinks several times. “I can’t believe it,” he says.

"William?” I ask. “I know,” I sigh. “I thought he’s moved on since he gave my brothers that book-”

“No, no,” Tobias says dismissively. ”Can’t you see? It’s Benji’s owner.”

I do a double-take as I glance over my shoulders and quickly remember him. The guy we stole the dog from. The guy whom I thought looked so familiar.

It’s because he’s William’s brother.

“What are the odds?” Tobias mutters to himself as he absently pats a disturbed Benji.

“He must’ve missed him,” I say and Tobias looks at me like I slapped him.

“Why?” He asks quickly, defensively. “Am I not enough?”

I lift a brow in amuse. “I think it’s just about Benji being his dog and you being, you know...dead.”

Tobias stares at me for a little while before deciding to talk to Benji in his ears. I’m quite surprised at how much Benji seems to mean to him.

I turn to watch William and his brother walk toward us, toward the house, as they discuss something softly with each other. William is in a pair of grey sweatpants and a white, full-sleeved shirt, trying to appear nonchalant as he forces his eyes to the sky and his hands into his pockets when he talks to his brother.

I wonder if he wants to blame the stars for his tears too.

His brother, however, has this soft, dimpled smile on his slightly bearded face as he watches his brother talk. He probably knows how William is truly feeling regarding whatever it is that they’re discussing. He reaches in his jeans’ pocket for the house keys.

I can clearly hear them now despite Benji’s barking and Tobias’ failing efforts to contain him.

“So you’re good good?” William’s brother says as he puts the key into the lock.

William shrugs a little. “I told you, Sam,” he says. “I’m getting there.”

“Your asthma attacks-”

“They’re less frequent.”

Sam smiles at him and pushes the door open. They both get inside. I follow them, leaving Tobias back in their front garden.

The house is dark but someone replaces the light switch and turns it on. I stare at the picture frames hung on the walls of the narrow hall we’re standing in and smile. William’s family is big. Two brothers and three sisters. Maybe that’s why he stays in the attic.

William gently closes the front door. “Mom must be asleep,” he whispers and Sam nods, taking off his sports jacket and hanging it over the door’s hooks.

“So, tell me,” Sam starts, his hair a dark mess. “How have you been?”

William bends over to slip off his shoes. “I’m fine.”

I watch Sam’s concerned face expression and immediately worry. Things don’t seem as fine as William claims them to be.

“Mom told me everything,” he says. ”Everything, Will.”

William slowly straightens up and dusts his hands off on his pants. “I don’t know what you both are talking about,” he says, rolling his fingers into shaky fists. “I am all good.” He enunciates and walks past his brother.

Sam watches his back, shakes his head then follows him to the kitchen.

“I’d be damned, Will,” Sam says as William opens the fridge and yanks out a milk carton. “-you’re the farthest from okay.”

William squeezes the lid open and chugs down the carton’s contents as Sam watches him calmly.

“Is it Roseline?” Sam asks slowly as William tosses the empty carton into the dust bin. He misses.

"No,” William says solidly. “It’s not anything. I don’t know what Mom told you, but I am okay.”

“Mom said a lot of things,” Sam says, his eyes tearing up. And I worry more. I worry to my gut and it makes me sick. “Let’s just sit down-”

“I’d like to sleep,” he snaps and Sam’s eyes widen.

“You have become bitter,” he says and William narrows his eyes at him. “You are angry.” He breathes out. “So angry with no outlet.”

“You know nothing-”

“I know that you spend all your days in bed,” Sam says. “I know you bury your head in books and won’t have dinner with everyone else. I know, for a fact, that your asthma attacks aren’t getting any better. I know you’re lying."

William blinks at him as he tries keeping up his ‘I-got-it-all-under-control’ charade. “I’ve given away everything I had of her,” he whispers furiously. “I have let her go.”

Sam shakes his head. “Have you? Have you really?”

“I’m great.”

“How’s school?”

“Great.”

"Really, William?” Sam approaches him and corners him between two counters.

“I said I’m fine!” William tries to push him off, but Sam holds his forearms, distracting him, and pulls up his shirt. I gasp loudly, bringing my hands to my mouth.

His abdomen is a garden of bruises. So many colours. Purple, blue, yellow and green.

William quickly pulls down his shirt and looks away. “Leave me alone,” he whispers, but Sam seems to still be recovering from what he had seen.

“Who did that?”

“Mom told you about that?!” William yells and Sam gives him a warning look.

“She walked onto you accidentally in the washroom,” He says, his eyes cast down. “You were checking yourself in the mirror. She was so worried. You’re just changing too much, so fast.”

William glares at his brother. “What the hell?!"

"Who did that?”

William clenches his jaws, his transparent greens bouncing around the kitchen. He sniffs once and shakes his head as his eyes well up. “Who didn’t?” His shoulders drop, his thick brows sink, his facade strips off of him like old paint.

Sam is so shocked he can’t say a thing. “I thought you said Joshua and Ramirez left you alone nowadays.”

“Things are bad again,” William’s voice breaks. “And they take it out on me.”

Hearing that Joshua might be responsible for William’s bruises, makes me so mad. I can’t believe that that bitch doesn’t practise what he preaches.

Sam blinks at him. “Both of them?”

William looks away, his eyes glassy. “Joshua, mostly. Roseline was his ex-girlfriend.”

My jaw drops in disbelief.

“I don’t get it!” Sam says. “Where the hell are the teachers? The bloody principal?”

“It’s not worth it. It’s just a phase,” William says. “Joshua is just acting out ever since an anonymous SMS got sent to everybody, exposing how he’s the reason behind Roseline’s suicide.”

Sam is as confused as I am. “I don’t understand-”

“There’s nothing-”

“William, I need to know everything!”

William looks down, inhales deeply. “You really want to know everything? Okay!” He puffs out a heavy breath. “Every day I wake up, I wish was dead just to see her one more time.” He says and I hate myself all over again. “And maybe when Joshua and his dogs gang up on me, I feel better.”

Sam shakes his head with a grimace. ”You don’t stand up for yourself?”

“What chance do I have against three of them?”

"Will-”

“I just understand, you know?” William says. “I understand Joshua’s violence. I mean, if I were the reason behind the suicide of an angel like her, I’d hate myself. I’d hate everyone.”

But he isn’t. Joshua isn’t the reason behind my death. It was Sierra. And I suddenly remember the warnings ′DevilsPlay′ gave him. And it makes sense that ′DevilsPlay’ would ruin his life by framing him with my suicide. He’s now a murderer in everyone’s eyes.

I don’t know what to think. I am too shocked to breathe.

Sam looks like he would cry his brother a river. “But it isn’t only this, is it?”

"What?” William shrugs slightly. “What scares you so much? Worries you so much? Me hurting myself?" He says like it’s an ordinary, mundane matter. “Does it matter? I won’t kill myself. I don’t have it in me. I told you. I’m great.”

“All because of her?”

“She didn’t mean it,” William defends me and I choke on my tears. I don’t deserve an ounce of his love.

Sam shakes his head. “For the love of God, please don’t hurt yourself again.”

Again.

William smiles wearily. “That’s it? Okay. Promise,” he says simply. “Let me catch up on some sleep-”

Sam’s lips part helplessly. “You should’ve told me-”

“What exactly would I tell you that won’t disappoint you in a failure like me?” He tells his brother, his eyes a shadow of pain.

“You’re not a failure, Will,” Sam begs him. ”Please. I want to hear you out. Please let’s just-”

“Save it,” William tells him bluntly and walks past him to get to what must be his attic.

Sam stands dejectedly like he knows that there’s no hope for his brother. He then clears his throat, slaps the kitchen counter before heading outside.

Tobias barges in moments later, empty-handed, looking like a mess with his red, teary eyes. I can’t have looked any different. He sees me and I immediately rush into his arms. We hold each other. We hold our pain.

“I let Benji go,” Tobias says, his voice broken glass. “He deserves a better existence.”

I pull away from our hug, look into his glassy hazels and say, “We need to get to the attic, Tobias.”