What I Should’ve Said
Chapter 33

Sunday, August 29th

Bennett

Summer blinks awake in her bed as I run my fingers ever so gently through her hair, but her eyes struggle to stay open.

“Summer baby,” I whisper. “Come on. We have somewhere to go.”

“Now?” she questions, once again fighting hard to focus enough to stay awake. “But it’s dark outside.”

“I know. But a little bird told me you wanted to see a shooting star.”

“A shooting star?” Her eyes fly open. “Really?”

“Yeah, baby.”

I smile down at her, my mind taking a mental picture of this moment. The way her heart is in her eyes, the way her lips are fixed in my favorite smile—I never want to forget it. The emotion in my throat is hard to clear, but I manage. Tonight isn’t about me. It’s about her.

“It’s clear skies and perfect for looking at the stars,” I tell her. “I’ve got it all set up.”

“Let’s go, let’s go,” she chants, trying to sit up on her own and failing. She hasn’t been able to do much in years, but with the way her breathing is now, she’s weaker than ever.

I put my arms behind her back and knees and lift her as gently as I can, careful of the oxygen line that runs to the tank behind her. I set her in her wheelchair, strap the tank to the back, and slowly wheel my giggling girl down the hallway from her bedroom and out the side door where the chair ramp is, to a waiting Norah.

Pink blankets are spread out over the grass with the picnic basket I packed earlier, as well as a telescope Norah borrowed from Eileen Martin.

It’s just the three of us tonight. Breezy is busy in town with nearly everyone else we know, setting up for tomorrow’s surprise. I’m still not convinced we’re going to be able to pull it off, but Norah was insistent that Summer get this wish. And I don’t have the energy to fight anything but my own demons at the moment.

“Daddy! Look!” Summer yells, finally seeing Norah and the setup. “Norah’s here!”

I chuckle. “I know, baby. She planned tonight, so I felt like I had to invite her.”

Summer scoffs at my joke. “Come on, come on. Hurry up, Dad.”

I push a little faster, and she starts to squeal as the cooler night air hits her in the face. Norah helps me lock the chair into place when we get to her and then grabs the tank when I scoop Summer into my arms and lay her flat on the blanket. She groans—in a way that I know all this shuffling must be hurting her—but she never stops smiling.

Norah grabs another blanket from the edge of the ones spread on the ground and gently covers Summer’s body up to her neck. She’s only in her nightgown, so with the unpredictability of how long it’ll take to see a shooting star or two, she’s bound to get chilly.

Once Summer’s settled, Norah lies down next to her, her curly hair splaying out on the blanket and her hands resting on her stomach. I jog back to the house to turn off all the lights I left on to make it easier to get out here, and I walk my way back to them as my eyes adjust to the newfound darkness.

The sky is black, save the bright spots of stars and swooping softness of the Milky Way, but the sound is vibrant. Norah and Summer together, gabbing and laughing nearly as loudly as the pounding in my chest.

“What’s so funny?” I ask as I return, lying down on the other side of Summer and pointing my eyes to the sky.

“Norah was just telling me about Casso…” She pauses and glances at Norah. “What’s her name again?”

“Cassiopeia,” Norah answers with a smile.

“Right. Her. She said she was a queen who was, like, a total diva, so Pose…” She pauses again, looking at Norah for another confirmation.

“Poseidon.”

“Yeah. That guy,” Summer continues, and I chuckle a little in my head. “He punished her by putting her in the heavens on her throne upside down and with her skirt around her head,” she finishes the story, nearly snorting more than once, she’s so tickled.

“You know a lot about astronomy, Norah?” I ask.

“Only what John Cusack told me.”

Now, that makes me laugh. “John Cusack? As in, the actor?”

Norah chortles. “Yep.”

“I don’t think I understand.”

“Then you obviously haven’t seen the movie Serendipity,” she replies. I can hear her smile.

“No, can’t say that I have.”

She hums. “Oh man, it’s a good one. You’re missing out.”

“I want to watch it,” Summer interjects, her voice growing a little sleepy. If we’re going to have a chance of her staying awake to see a shooting star, we’re going to have to keep her talking.

“I’ll replace out where we can rent it or stream it,” Norah offers.

“Are you watching the sky, Sum?” I ask. “You’ve got to stare at it, okay? Or you might miss the stars. They go fast.”

“I’m looking, Daddy.” There’s a short pause, and then she continues. “Do you think that’s really what heaven is like? Up there, with the stars? Like, if someone goes to heaven, what do you think it’s like for them?”

A sheen of tears coats my eyes, and my throat threatens to close. I have to blink several times to keep the emotion at bay. I reach out to grab her hand, but end up grabbing Norah’s instead, and the three of us stay there, our hands in a stack of sorts. “I think heaven is whatever you want it to be, Summble,” I whisper. “Whatever your happiest place is, that’s what it’s like.”

“That’s like what Norah said too,” she says, and I can feel Norah’s eyes dart to my face.

I meet her gaze, and her lips turn down in a frown. She feels guilty, but she has no damn reason to. I shake my head at her, silently saying, It’s okay.

Because it is okay. It’s more than okay. Norah has been nothing but good to my daughter. Nothing but kind and caring and maternal to a little girl who has never had a mother figure in her life.

I can’t be anything but grateful for her.

“Maybe heaven will be just like here,” Summer whispers. “With you and Norah and the stars up in the sky. Except, I think maybe I won’t hurt like this. Right, Dad?”

I know my sweet girl tries hard to put on a brave face. I’ve witnessed her do this for years, and I’ve always tried to make her feel like she didn’t have to. But that’s not my Summer. Her soul is pure, and her heart never wants anyone else to feel bad.

And right now, this is her way of telling me she knows what’s coming. She knows she doesn’t have much time left here on earth.

My eyes sting and my throat burns and I mash my lips together, willing myself to put on a brave face like Summer always does.

“Right, baby.” My voice is ragged. “When you’re in heaven, you won’t hurt at all.” Me, on the other hand—I’m going to hurt like hell.

“Dad!” Summer shouts then, her sweet voice the only thing that could break the barrier of my thought’s misery. “A shooting star! I saw it! It went streaking by so fast! I can’t believe it’s so fast!”

“I saw it too,” Norah cheers from the other side.

“That was so cool! I want to see another one!”

“Keep looking at the sky, then,” I cajole. “They’ll come.”

The three of us lie there for who knows how long, staring at the sky, waiting for falling stars to shoot by. Summer gabs and Norah laughs, and I listen to the two of them like there’ll be a test on their every word. And I take a million mental pictures of my baby’s face as she giggles and smiles up at the sky.

It’s a long time before their conversation slows, and Summer’s labored breathing eases to a steady rhythm with sleep. Norah and I stay there for several minutes even after that, willing the silence and the sky and the heavens to bring us a miracle both of us know won’t come.

I swipe a hand down my face, removing the remnants of the few tears I’ve allowed to slip from my lids. I know my heart is breaking, but surprisingly, I know Norah’s is too. Just as I expected, she and Summer fell in love with each other hard and fast, and I’m not in the least bit confused about why.

They’re both bright and bubbly and special. And they both make me feel like I could bench-press the entire world if they needed me to.

I climb to my feet slowly, stopping only to give Summer a gentle kiss on the cheek on the way up. I’ve spent so long avoiding touching her that each precious touch and kiss I get now is priceless.

Norah follows suit, soundlessly grabbing Summer’s oxygen tank for me as I scoop her into my arms and carry her toward the house. We walk all the way instead of getting her chair, hoping she’ll be able to stay asleep until she reaches the comfort of her bed.

Her body feels unbearably light, and her skin is growing paler and paler by the day. With her curly blond hair, blue eyes, and white gown, she looks truly angelic. Like she already belongs in heaven with a halo over her head.

I fucking hate it.

Norah attaches the oxygen tank to the stand behind the bed, and I settle Summer into the soft center of her mattress, adjusting the tubes in her nose. She moans slightly but settles when I step back.

Norah’s soft hand rubs at my back comfortingly as we leave Summer’s room, shutting the door behind us and taking what now feels like a long walk out to the grass to collect all the blankets.

It’s only then that I notice the basket of food, untouched as of yet.

“Do you want to sit for a minute?” I ask, placing a gentle hand on Norah’s elbow to stop her frantic gathering. Her shoulders sink an inch and then two more as they fall away from her ears.

“Yeah. Let’s sit for a minute.”

Reaching out purposely, I give her a steady hand as she sinks down to the blanket, and I follow her down, sitting beside her and stretching my legs out in front of me.

I lean back to grab the picnic basket, and Norah’s eyes light up when I open it, revealing the pack of cupcakes I picked up from Earl’s when we were there a couple days ago. “Oh my God, yes, chocolate. I’m in desperate need of chocolate.”

“The way to your heart?” I laugh as I open the plastic packaging and hand her a cupcake with pink icing. I take a blue one for myself.

“It definitely helps,” she says on a snort and takes a huge bite of her cupcake, painting the tip of her nose with a smear of pink.

“You have a little something…” I’m smiling at her like a loon when she meets my eyes. “Just right here,” I say as I reach out to wipe it away with my thumb.

But her next move surprises the hell out of me. With her eyes still locked on mine, she grabs my hand and slowly, intentionally, licks the icing off my finger.

“Fuck, Norah,” I breathe at the wordlessly erotic sight. And I punctuate that statement by leaning forward to kiss her.

Her lips part under mine, and I sink my hands into her hair and my tongue into her mouth.

She moans, and I take her back down to the blanket, my body half on top of hers, our cupcakes long forgotten.

We’re both looking for comfort—that’s undeniable—but I can tell by the grip of her fingers on my neck and the pounding of her heart echoed in my own chest that it’s more than that too.

This isn’t a mindless romp between two desperate people. This is a connection that’s been at war with the two of us since the moment we met.

She digs her teeth into her bottom lip, and I have the urge to run my tongue along the seam of her mouth.

She moves her hands to my shoulders, and both of my hands are on her hips. I cover her body entirely with my own, and she opens her legs, winding them around my hips and clenching her ankles together until her heels dig into the top of my ass.

I growl and roll my hips toward hers, my hard cock aching to feel her wrapped around me.

It all feels so good, so right.

She whimpers, and my hands replace the hem of her pink shirt, lifting it to get a feel of skin.

When I pull back slightly, searching her eyes for permission, a swirl of steam wafts between us. The warmth of our breath, the heat of our skin, and the cool of night mixing together to make clouds.

“Norah?” My hands shake with need as I slide my hands back into her hair. “I want you.” It’s simple and to the point, but for me—for the me I am now, after the guy I used to be—it’s not enough. “Norah, I want to be inside you.”

“I want that too,” she says firmly.

My grip on her hips is strong as I lift her toward me and slam my mouth down on hers. Her hands grab at my face and my neck and dive into my hair as our kiss turns wild, burning and building with each tangle of our tongues.

I reach down with one hand to undo the buckle on my belt, and then her hands join in, ripping at the leather until it releases from the metal that holds it.

I kiss her neck and her chest and rub a hand over her breast as she arches into me, moaning loudly as I skim my other hand down her hip and into her pants to feel between her legs.

She’s wet and hot and smooth, and a fiery rod inserts itself in my spine. God, I need her so badly.

Frantic for more skin-to-skin contact, she grabs for the hem of her shirt and starts to lift it over her head, only to freeze when a flash of headlights passes over the house to our right.

Fuck. “Breezy is home,” I manage raggedly.

“Oh my God.” Norah groans, and her head falls to the blanket-covered ground with a thud. I know exactly how she feels.

Sad, anxious, and completely unsatisfied.

“Bennett, I’m running out of bookmarks,” she whispers as I help her cover up, and a quiet laugh replaces its way out of my lungs.

Tell me about it, sweetheart.

Once we’re both dressed and finished cleaning up, I look up to Cassiopeia and pray for a good day tomorrow.

If all is to go well, we’re going to need cooperative friends and family, good weather, a good day for Summer, and if I press my luck, maybe I’ll get to see someone else’s skirt around her shoulders.