What I Should’ve Said
Chapter 38

Norah

Breezy’s call was simple and to the point—I should come now.

Josie is the only reason I’m even wearing shoes, I rushed out the door so fast. Truth be told, I’ve been sick to my stomach since Bennett walked out of the police station yesterday afternoon.

The look in his eyes as he professed his supposed sins was a window into the bleak depths of his suffering soul. Not only with Summer, but with the way he views himself and all the things he’s worthy of.

I don’t mind that he called on me at the station, and I don’t mind that he did it at the expense of my free will. It felt like the least I could do with all the strife I’ve brought on him since arriving, and beyond that, it was for the very best of reasons.

How, I wonder, would he expect me to love a man who could put a woman he’s known for a short time over the daughter he’s spent her whole life fighting for? Because, for as much as I was the victim of his actions, I was also the victor.

Bennett Bishop is the kind of man you search your whole life for. The kind of man most women never replace.

I can’t tell you how many times over the past twenty-four hours I’ve stopped myself from going to him. From showing up at his house and telling him all the things he needs to hear.

And I’ve cried to Josie about a million times since yesterday, warring with myself over what to do, but I know now isn’t the time to invalidate Bennett’s feelings. He feels he committed a transgression against me. To forgive him while he’s in the throes of his daughter’s last moments on this earth would be written off as an act of pity or mercy, and I refuse to have him believe it’s either.

So, I’m here. Silently. Wishing I could reach out and hug him and replace a way to make it okay.

But losing a child is the kind of thing you can’t fix.

Bennett’s bedroom door is closed as I walk carefully down the hallway toward his daughter’s room. And when I enter the room, only Charlie and Summer are inside.

Charlie’s smile is sad when she meets my eyes from across the room, and I don’t have to ask why. Summer’s small chest moves up and down in big, shaking puffs, the space in between them alarmingly long. Her face is pale, and her lips are the faintest hint of blue. The oxygen tubing is still in her nose, but as she struggles to replace the air for every breath, I can only imagine it’s no longer helping.

Charlie clears her throat as I sit down at her bedside and grab on to Summer’s hand, willing her body to fight a little harder. I know it’s not right to ask of her, but I’m not ready to let her go.

Charlie clears her throat once more, and this time, I force myself to look up. She’s holding out a folded piece of paper and Summer’s pink heart sunglasses, and her eyes are a watery mess. “She…she asked me to write down her thoughts for you while we were waiting for you to get here. It’s…it’s pretty hard for her to talk right now, and honestly, I don’t know if she was confident she’d be able to talk at all.”

“Charlie,” I whisper, my whole heart breaking.

“I know, doll. But you should read the note. Maybe even read it aloud. And then tell her what you think. She’ll hear you.”

I nod swiftly then, wiping at the rivers streaming a path down my cheeks. I can’t stop them now and can’t control the speed of them either.

I open the paper and turn to Summer, and Charlie steps outside the door to the bedroom, pulling it closed. Lightly, so as to assure I’m not hurting her, I dust my fingers over the skin of Summer’s closest arm, hoping she can feel me.

“Hey, Norah,” I read aloud, working my lips over my teeth in between words until they feel raw. “I’ve only known you for a little bit, but I love you so much. And I’m so glad I got the chance to meet you and even more glad for my dad. You’re a special person, and my dad needs special. He can be grumpy and loud and he can even be annoying, but he’s the best dad there is, so I know he’s the best guy there is. I know he’s going to miss me, but I’m going to miss him more. I need you to be there for him when he needs you and even when he thinks he doesn’t, okay? I’ll think of you every time I see a sunset from heaven, and I’m really hoping I get to say hi to Cassiopeia.”

An unexpected sob bucks my back, but I swallow the sound down into the depths of my despair so Summer won’t hear me.

“I’m pretty tired now, but thanks for everything. Tell my dad I love him, and then tell him you do too. Pink buddies forever. Love, Summer. PS: Keep my pink sunglasses safe? Wear them for me when it’s sunny outside.”

I shake my head and wipe at the wetness on my face with the back of my hand before using it to grab Summer’s and hold. “I love you too, Summer. And you’re the special one, sweet girl. You’ve changed my life forever. I promise to take care of your dad and think of you every single day. I promise you that pink is and always will be my favorite, favorite color. I promise I’ll wear your sunglasses when the sun is out and think of you. And I promise that we’ll see each other again. One day, in heaven, and I’m going to hug you so tight. So, so, so tight.”

I want to stay here forever, to hold her hand until I can’t hold it anymore, but I know with everything inside me that if I do, Bennett won’t be able to.

So, even though it takes every fiber of strength inside me, I stand, kiss Summer’s cheek, and walk away for what I know will be the last time.

When my phone rings in the middle of the night, Josie jumps up from her spot next to me—having come into the tiny full-size bed with me so that I wouldn’t be alone—and grabs it.

I don’t have to ask who it is, and I don’t bother to stop my tears.

“It’s Breezy,” Josie says, a soft hand on my hip. I nod into the pillow, a sob of agony ripping all the way through me.

Summer’s pain has finally stopped. And because of that, the rest of us know a hurt that’ll never end.