What I Should’ve Said
Chapter 40

Friday, September 10th

Norah

Mayor Wallace and Sheriff Peeler carry the back of the casket while Bennett and Clay carry the front, the whole town gathered together to put one of the best people I’ve ever known to rest.

There are so many people here, if I listed them off, I’d be doing it until next week. Even Lillian is here from New York, rearranging her schedule to come as soon as I told her about the arrangements.

Starkly missing, however, are Bennett’s parents and brother Logan. I suppose, given his history with all of them, it’s probably a good thing, but in my heart of hearts, I cannot imagine being so callous toward my son or brother.

The wind carries a frigid chill, and it’s just as I imagined a Summer-less world would feel. I pull my black cardigan around my body tighter, and Josie steps closer to wrap an arm around my shoulders.

“You okay?” she whispers.

I shake my head. I’ve never been less okay in my life.

After allowing myself a deep breath first, I steel my spine and lock my knees to keep them from collapsing. Bennett’s face is sallow, it’s so sunken, and the tips of his fingers are white with the painful grip he has on the casket. His hurt only confounds my own, and I have to look away when they set the wooden box on the lift that will lower it into the ground because it takes him more than a long moment to let go.

Clay and Sheriff Peeler stay with him until he forces his legs to move, to the side and away, only to take a seat in the front row across from me and right beside Breezy. Choosing to stay standing, Josie and I shuffle to the side as Clay and the sheriff squeeze in next to us.

I haven’t seen or spoken to Bennett in a week, but it’s not for a lack of trying. I’ve called and texted, and even showed up at his house one day, but all of my efforts have gone unanswered. I don’t blame him, though, and Breezy has done a beautiful job of keeping in touch with me despite his reluctance. He’s in a dark place, one I can’t even begin to fathom. I only wish he would let me sit in it with him.

A cloud falls across the sun, casting us in shadow as Reverend Bob, the pastor at the only church in town, begins the formal graveside ceremony. “Welcome, everyone. I’ll start by thanking you all for being here on this momentously difficult day. We’re here to pay our respects to sweet Summer Bishop, taken from our earthly world far too soon.”

Bennett looks down at his hands, his head sinking below his shoulders like a cement block tossed into the ocean. I stare—because I can’t do anything else—willing some measure of comfort to teleport across the space to him.

“We are all suffering, but we must take solace in the fact that Summer is not. Her impact will be felt by all of us for the rest of our lives. And for our time with her, we are thankful. Because in that time, we were privileged to learn the value of seeking and living in joy. Summer took her misfortune and turned it around, replaceing pleasure in the simplest of gestures. A cookout at the church, a wedding in the square, a day with friends at the town festival. Over the years, I’ve personally had the occasion to laugh with Summer more than a dozen times—even, I’ll admit, when my own mood was sour. She was a vibrant embodiment of our most innocent happiness, and I will miss her most dearly. But I know heaven will welcome her with an open gate and even warmer arms, and I know that God—my compassionate, loving God—will give her an afterlife free of pain and full of happiness. An existence she more than earned.”

Bennett’s body shakes, and Josie has to grab me by the elbow to keep me from diving across the damn casket to get to him. Breezy’s eyes replace mine while her hand replaces his and squeezes. Just as she’s told me every time we’ve spoken, she’s got him. For now, she will bear his burden, she will walk it with him, until he’s ready for me to be there for him again.

Pastor Bob places his Bible on the casket and his hand on top of that as he bows his head and prays directly for Summer. “Your life, we honor, your departure, we accept, your memory, we cherish. Although we are filled with grief today, tomorrow, and the rest of our days, we will be grateful for your life and the privilege of having shared it with you. Rest now, sweet Summer, and live on in both God and the hearts of those who love you. Blessed we are to have known you. In Jesus’s name, Amen.”

“Amen.” The world is a broken collective of a tortured crowd and a hope for everything the pastor said all at once.

I inhale a shaky breath, and Josie rubs at my back. And across the space, Breezy pulls Bennett in for a hug. He goes willingly, and I look on as his body shakes with the overwhelming physicality of his grief.

“I invite you now to say your goodbyes to Summer’s corporeal body and to facilitate the passing of her spirit to heaven by placing a pink rose on the top of her casket. We’ll start with the back row and work our way forward, and Hank here will be passing out flowers as you approach.”

I don’t move or blink as I witness Bennett watch his world disappear. Flower after flower, he stares as his friends and acquaintances and even a couple of his pseudo-enemies help to lay his only daughter to rest. His eyes are icebergs in a tumultuous sea—a vivid difference from their usually warm, inviting blue waters.

It feels like hours pass before Pastor Bob invites our row to step forward, but when he does, Pete and Clay are the first to go. Two heavy-handed, brusque men moving with a gentleness I can hardly fathom. After their roses are placed, they round the casket to the other side, taking Bennett’s hand to shake and then pulling him into a tight hug, one after the other.

I take the gesture as an opening, cutting Josie off to be the next at Summer’s casket. With one hand to the wood, I close my eyes and imagine her face to make it easier to speak with her. Silently, I vow to keep my promises and to keep pushing to be there for Bennett until he lets me in. I can imagine her smile and even feel the warmth of her skin under all the kisses I was privileged enough to give her.

Ignoring the wind, I pull off my black sweater to reveal my pink dress and slide her pink sunglasses over my face. “Pink buddies forever, Summblebee.”

Bennett’s gaze follows me now as I step away from Summer for a final time and walk toward him, a fire burning inside it that’s liable to set my whole body ablaze.

Heart racing and breaking at the same time, I stop in front of the love of my life and wait. For permission, for a sign, for something I don’t fully understand until I have it.

It’s a gentle sway—a closing of a gap between Bennett’s chest and mine—but it’s all the signal I need. Without delay, I wrap my arms around his shoulders and pull his body to mine, soaking in the raging heat of his anguish with all I have. He hugs me back, crossing his arms at the back of my waist and digging his face into my neck. I feel the salty sting of his fresh tears, and without thinking, I squeeze him tighter.

My whisper is a desperate plea. “I still love you, Bennett. I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

On the surface, it feels inappropriate and trite. But in the depths of my being, I know it’s the right thing to say. Bennett doesn’t want some hollow apology from me today any more than he wanted regrets for spilled milk. He wants his daughter, and by God, so do I. But what his daughter wanted was for the bond she formed with the two of us to carry on without her, and Bennett needs the reassurance that it’s a promise I intend to keep.

His face is startled as I break from the hug and step away, so I hold his eyes just long enough to settle them. When I step away and Josie steps in, I don’t look back.

With my chin high and my chest aching, I make the long walk from the cemetery to my waiting car and climb inside. Only then do I let my tears free.

I can’t think of anything I should’ve said; I can’t think of anything I regret at all. Because even knowing this is how it would end, I’d do it all again.

The truth is, Summer changed my life, and she’ll still be changing it long after the leaves fall.