Alley Cat
Suicide Mission

Sex is easy; it’s deciding what to do afterwards that’s hard.

Some people roll over and sleep. Some make a hasty race towards the door. I think I had a girl try to high-five me once. And of course, there’s the talkers. They want to know about all your hopes and dreams, whether you’re going to replace the solution to all the world’s problems. They want to know all about your life story, the tale of your trials and tribulations, your highs and woes.

And then, there’s Luka.

He holds me close as I lay my head on his chest. His deep and even breaths can’t fool me. He’s not sleeping and neither am I. Hours pass by. The smell our musk coats the air thick; it’s comforting. Even though the sex is over, there’s a part of us that’s still mingled and unified. I replace it poetic in a disgusting way.

But I like it. I like how my body fits against his like a mismatched puzzle piece. I like the feel of his skin pressing against mine. When I’m tangled up in his arms, I feel less alone, less out of place.

I should feel safe enough to sleep but I can’t. I turn over in Luka’s arms to face him. Even in the dark, I can see the shadows of his eyes and his swollen lips which I’ve bitten one too many times. A curly tendril of his hair comes loose and dangles over his brows. I’m not sure what to think of him, of this. What’s done is done. I can’t take back the kisses I’ve given. I can’t take back the body I so readily offered. Luka’s neck bears the consequences of my lust. If he turns over, I will see the havoc I’ve wrecked on his back. Long angry claw marks line his skin in swollen red rows. It pains me to admit that I end up hurting people even when I try to make love instead.

“Don’t leave.” It comes out as a careless whisper, a desperate plea.

I look into Luka’s frightened eyes and force myself to put on a painful smile.

“I’m not.”

“You were thinking about it.”

“Sorry.” My voice rattles in my throat as I bat away a few stubborn tears. “Bad habits die hard. I swear I want to change. I just need some time.”

The corrosive voice in my head batters me from within. You had 803 years. And you want more time? HA!

I’m suddenly hit with a blunt force that renders me hysterical. I bury my face in my hands as I sob. I can’t control it. The voice taunts me relentlessly. Everything it says stabs me in the chest and chokes me until I can’t breathe.

You were a bad mom. You know that? Your daughter drowned in a lake all alone while you were busy kissing strangers.

“That’s not true.” I say, trying to fight the voice. Luka’s arms wrap around me like a straight jacket. He whispers comforting things into my ears, but I can’t hear it. The voice is louder. Stronger.

You’re a failure. What have you done with yourself? You were given super strength, magic, power, youth. And for what? So you can torture yourself for 803 years? You’re a coward who’s afraid to feel. You’re so desperate to survive that you ditch everyone who loves you. You’re a waste of life.

I choke. I can’t breathe. My lungs struggle to gasp for air but fail to catch onto the fleeting oxygen that escapes my airways. Luka calls my name. He tries to shake me awake, but I slip further and further into the labyrinth that is my mind. Every twist and turn I make leads to a dead end. I’m trapped.

You should just kill yourself.

I stop. I let the words sink in, taste them in my mouth, and soak up my thoughts. I think I’ve swallowed poison. They taste bitter in my mouth and it burns down my throat. Nausea cripples me until I can no longer bear the pain. I’m suddenly filled with an intense rage which dissolves into something foreign. It feels light and airy. It’s a feeling I’ve never felt before.

“No.”

The voice hesitates before responding back in a tone that’s twice as malicious as before. You should go kill yourself.

“No.” I surprise myself again. My word is more forceful, more concrete than the bitter voice that hinders me.

What?

“I said, ‘no.’ I’m done punishing myself for every single mistake. I’m ready to be happy!”

You can never be happy.

“I can! Luka believes that I can change. I believe I can change. The only thing that’s stopping me is you!”

I AM YOU!

I retaliate back with an invigorating conviction which has the demon screaming. “I know. And that’s why I’m done listening to you.”

NOOOO!!!

“YESSSS!” I say with a glorious laugh.

The voice bellows out in anger, and I’m yanked back to Luka’s arms. I wake up with a sharp gasp that startles him. Luka pries me away from his chest and strokes back my hair. He checks my face for signs of consciousness. When a glimmer of light shines through my eyes, a sigh of relief washes over him. It exhausts him and turns him into a shapeless mess that melts all over me.

“Thank god you’re okay. You had me worried sick.”

I want to respond back with a witty comment, but all I can do is hug him. I smell him. I try to remember his scent and remember how his narrow waist feels in my arms. He smells like Irish Spring mixed with sweat and exertion. I inhale his scent and squeeze him with all my might.

“Hel? You’re scaring me,” Luka says with a nervous laugh.

I constrict him with my thighs and throw myself over his shoulders. Everything I do surprises me. I unfurl and disintegrate in his presence. I don’t mind it at all.

“I love you.”

My confession silences him out cold. Rosebuds grow at the highest points of his cheeks

and blossom into full red. I reach out to touch his face. The heat from his skin feels like fleshy flower petals bathing in sunlight.

We talk until sunrise. Luka asks me about Todd, and I end up telling him everything. I tell him that my cat was really a werecat with a really peculiar British accent and a mysterious origin story that I’ll never get to learn about. I tell him about my lost loves, Shirisha and Raphael, and how I ended up making amends with them both only to abandon them in the end. I let Luka know about Kaya, the prideful lioness that I secretly respect. My story is a long story, a confusing story that is riddled with contradictions and bittersweet memories of adventure and heartbreak.

The sun rises when I finish my tale. Orange rays illuminate the room. Its iridescent shimmer casts our naked bodies in a golden shroud which promises new beginnings. Luka leans in closer. His eyes are crusted with sand despite going a whole night without sleep. He slowly blinks at me and yawns, unleashing a pungent whiff of morning breath. My nose wrinkles at the smell.

“What happens now?” Luka asks.

My gaze scours all over Luka’s room and eventually makes its way back to Luka and his bed. “I don’t know,” I admit.

“Maybe I should rephrase my question.” Luka is careful to choose his words. When he replaces the right ones, he asks, “How will you choose to end your story? We’re only half-way through.”

Luka makes me think. I never thought about it that way before. Never once did I think that I had a choice in what happened or will happen. I never thought that I had the power to do so.

“It’s your life, Helene.”

I feel lost again. I close my eyes and let go. I see myself chasing after Shirisha in an open meadow. Butterflies try in vain to perch on her hair, but she swats them away. I let myself feel how I really feel. I have all kinds of memories with Shirisha, so much so that I can easily pluck one from my mind. Shirisha once nursed me to health. Shirisha was my guide and mentor. I loved her as a sister and a lover but in the end we were never meant to be.

Todd enters my mind next. I made the mistake of treating him as my pet. He was a friend who deserved more than I could ever give. I have memories of huddling close to him during a storm and us hiding under a parked car to avoid the sweltering summer heat. He is one of my biggest regrets. I miss my gluttonous fur ball.

And then there’s Raphael. He was the lover that became my friend. I admired his strong will, his steady determination, his leadership. I think the world needed him more than I ever will.

I open my eyes and flash Luka a bittersweet smile. “I think my story has become quite boring without everyone else. I think I’ll pay them a visit or two.”

“And what then?”

A twinge of pain pinches my brain, and I wince. “I don’t know. It hurts to think.”

Luka presses gently, patiently. Even though he’s so close, I feel like I’m drifting further and further away. But instead of panicking and replaceing something to hold onto, I let go.

“What’s your dream?” Luka asks with an uplifting lilt to his voice which brightens the room even more than the sunlight percolating through the windows.

“My dream used to be just me living my life in solitude until my miserable existence disappears from the earth but now...I’m not so sure. But what about you? What’s your dream, Luka?”

Luka seems pleased that I asked and answers enthusiastically. “Well like you, the details are a little fuzzy. But I do know that it involves me, you, a bunch of concert halls, and us getting the hell out of New York City. New York is great and all, but I’m ready for a change.”

“The city grows on you.” My own defense of the city comes as a pleasant surprise. “I’ve been here longer than America was a country. Every once in a while I’ll move around. I’ve been to Atlanta, San Jose, Phoenix, and even crashed nearly every country overseas. But I still replace myself coming back here each and every time. It’s home.”

Luka’s gaze drops to the mattress as my answer sinks in. I recognize the look all too well. I’ve worn the mask of disappointment more than enough times to identify it in all its forms. “I understand.” Luka says, trying to bury his disappointment underneath the guise of perseverance. My heart crumbles within its cage.

“I just need to get my life together first. I need to cover up some loose ends. And maybe then, I can actually see myself being the person that you deserve.”

Luka takes my hand and brings it to his lips to plant a gentle kiss. His kiss is soft and ethereal. I’ve been blessed.

“Have a happy life, Helene Singh.”

Just when I’m on the verge of crying again, an idea sows itself in my mind. I tell Luka to wait in bed and rush to slip on Luka’s shirt which I found lying in a wrinkled pile on the floor. It takes me a whole hour to prepare a somewhat decent breakfast. I brew a pot of coffee, painstakingly fold a slightly over cooked omelette, fry up some pancetta, and create a strange assortment of cubed fruits that could pass off as fruit salad. By the time I set everything on the table, Luka has already finished showering and gelling his hair. He’s fully dressed and handsome as ever while I’m still wearing his wrinkly tee and tasting my own morning breath.

“Surprise!” I say as Luka steps into the kitchen. Luka looks at the table in awe, stopping to chuckle at the omelette. It broke while I was trying to get it onto the plate. “I know it’s not much but––”

“No. It’s perfect.” Luka spins me around and tries to kiss my mouth but I evade his lips. “Thank you.”

We sit down to eat. Luka eats more than I do. I’m busy watching his reaction to every meal when Luka nudges my plate towards me.

“Helene, if you keep staring at me like that, I’ll start to think that you secretly poisoned my food.”

Offended, I shove half my omelette into my mouth and chew vigorously. A rubbery piece of egg falls out of my mouth and I catch it before it falls into my lap. “I’ll have you know that if I wanted to kill you, I would have done it when I was on top––”

“Eat.” Luka says firmly, not even bothering to hide his flushed cheeks.

We finish our breakfast in serene tranquility. It becomes another rare instance of normalcy for me. While eating, I forget that I’m a werecat. I forget about my long lives and the terrible choices I’ve made and the horrific things I’ve seen. As of now, I’m an awkward girlfriend, a hopeless romantic in love. It’s a wonderful distraction but also my motivation. I realize now that this is what I want. I don’t want to survive; I want to live. I want to have something to look forward to each day I wake up for the rest of my life. I only have one last shot at living. Why not make the best of it?

Luka finishes eating the last bit of food and pats his stomach in satisfaction. “I love you.”

It still feels strange to hear it. There’s a part of me that still refuses to believe that such a powerful declaration was directed at me. I can only smile back and begin stacking the dirty plates when Luka stops me.

“It’s okay. I’ll do it.”

As Luka washes the dishes, we try to talk over the running water. I realize that I don’t have much time left and that after our eventful night, we both have separate things to tend to during the day.

“Any plans?” I ask.

“I have a meeting with my manager. He wants me to play for China’s Philharmonic Orchestra. We just have to work out the details.”

“That’s...that’s great!”

“I leave in three weeks.”

His revelation hits me all at once. Now I understand why he shared his dream, why he asked me to leave with him. I’m going to lose him again.

“For how long?”

Luka aggressively scrubs a stubborn piece of food desperately adhered onto the plate’s slippery surface. With a final scrape of a rough sponge, the food falls into the drain.

“A couple of months. After that, I’ll perform somewhere else.”

“Wow. Look at you.” I’m careful to leave any signs of tension out of my voice. I quickly glance at the nearest window. The sunlight beaming through dries up my eyes. “You’re a star!”

Luka lets water run all over his hands. The sink is the loudest thing in the room. “Helene––”

“It’s Beijing’s concert hall, right? I’ve actually been there once. The concert was nice until a government official got assassinated in the first row. Like, his brain chunks legit blew up all over the violinists. It was really gross.”

“Hel––”

I wish I would stop talking, but my mouth has a mind of its own. “Well while you’re there, maybe you can send me a postcard or two. Wait, do people still send postcards? Nevermind. I would ask you to call me, but I don’t have a phone.”

“Hel––”

“Almost forgot! Remember to wear a mask! Seriously! The air pollution is so bad there! It feels like you’re breathing in liquid tar.”

“You don’t want me to go.” Luka mumbles at a level that’s barely audible.

The running sink roars over us both. Luka reaches over to turn the tap off. When there’s no more water to fill the silence, the lack of response from both of us becomes deafening.

I do.

Another voice fills my head. This one is more gentle. It’s delicate like it could break into nothing.

I want you to be happy. I want you to go. I’ll just miss you.

Before I even have the chance to tell him how I really feel, Luka’s phone rings from the table. His phone sits face up across from where I’m sitting. Daphne’s name pops up in big bold letters, followed by a grinning demon emoji.

The ringtone loops on repeat. Each ring has Luka and I spellbound as Daphne calls not one, or two, but five times. After the fifth call, Luka’s phone relaxes soundlessly on the table until a sudden PING chimes the air. Luka watches his phone cautiously from a distance as if the phone would randomly sprout arms and legs and chase after him.

“Aren’t you going to check your phone?” I ask.

“I haven’t contacted my family in three years.” A pained expression twists Luka’s face. I take the chance to study Luka’s reaction. He has unknowingly set a physical distance between himself and his phone. He’s afraid of getting drawn back into a life he’s worked hard to escape from. But knowing Luka, there’s a part of him that misses his family. Love never dies easily even if you came from a corrupted family of werewolves.

I slowly reach for Luka’s phone to test his willingness and successfully take it from the table. The screen automatically locks itself upon seeing my face.

“Ready to replace out what your crazy sister got herself into?”

Luka comes closer and takes the phone. The screen unlocks. Luka frowns at what he sees.

“It’s a video.”

The video entails a protest held at Aeternum manufactures. The lack of natural lighting reveals the video was taken at night. A group of people, which I recognize as a coven of witches, join hands to form a circle. They chant in unison and blink back at the camera with purple light emitting from their eyes.

Towards the back, a different set of people take turns launching themselves at the factory’s garages. Veins bulge from the corded muscle that layers their humanoid bodies. Canine snarls could be heard in the audio as the people slam into the steel garage doors. Each slam creates a dent that thins the steel into a crumpled sheet. It’s only about time before the garage breaks away.

The footage manages to capture a swarm of bats infiltrating the factory’s vents as well. They fly into the air system, navigating down long and winding vents in the hopes of unlocking the facility from within. The video ends at the pinnacle of chaos and leaves a ghostly replay button glaring at us both.

Luka flips his phone face down and groans. “I should have seen this coming.”

“Oh yeah,” I say. I suppress the urge to laugh; it’s more difficult than I expected. “That’s a lot of angry supernaturals you got there. Daphne’s screwed.”

“My entire family is screwed.” Luka corrects me. “I guess that’s what happens when you monopolize a nation’s worth of magical drugs.”

“Don’t forget that you guys also took advantage of desperate people and turned them into lab rats,” I say callously. “Sorry. Lab dogs.”

“Not just that.” A shudder runs through Luka’s body. Whatever thought passes his mind disturbs him so severely that he has to hold onto his chair. “After my family kicked me out, they started making very...questionable decisions. There’s a reason why they increased the price of blood. The recession had little to do with it.”

“Luka…” My voice edges to a dangerous fault. “What did your family do?”

Luka’s pupils contract to reflect his fear. He’s afraid that I’ll hate him again. And as much as I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, I remember that the Russos are far from innocent.

Luka speaks reluctantly. He pauses on some details, unsure of what to say. Each hesitation earns a push from me. Eventually, Luka admits everything.

“After my family kicked me out, one of the witches that worked for Aeternum got laid off and went on to create a generic version of Aeternum’s charmed blood. Aeternum ended up losing over half of its customers. The generic version was not only cheaper, but it tasted better too. So to keep up with the competition, Daphne came up with the idea to sell real human blood instead. People started going missing. Antonio and my father hired a bunch of guys to kidnap people off the street to use them as living blood bags. They would keep the humans alive to harvest blood and force feed them beets and iron supplements until it’s time to harvest again.”

My insides constrict themselves into knots. I spring up from my chair so fast that I become dizzy. It takes all the strength I have not to throw up.

“How do you know all of this?”

“Because for the past three years, I’ve been trying to replace a way to stop them. I’ve tried everything but murder. And now that it’s getting worse, I’m starting to think that the only way this will all end is with death.”

“You can’t bring yourself to do it, right?” I take one step back. Luka’s feet mirror my movement and it sends another wave of sickness crashing on me. “That’s why you’re leaving for Beijing. You’re running away.”

Luka bites down on his lower lip to keep himself from making a cruel smile. “If you think I’m a coward, you should go ahead and say it. I’m a coward! I’m a coward because I can’t kill my family even though they’re terrible people.”

“I never thought of you as a coward,” I whisper under my breath. Luka looks up with a dazed look on his face. He doesn’t believe that he heard me correctly. “You’re not a coward for loving your family.” When Luka says nothing, I continue. “My father sold me to a grown man in exchange for three goats and a pig. And if I was given the choice, I couldn’t bring myself to do it either. Love doesn’t make you weak, Luka.”

“Then what can I do?” Luka says on the verge of tears. “I can’t let them keep hurting people.”

“Oh, Luka.” I run into his arms and press him close to me. His embrace sets me aflame. I feel overwhelmed with energy. I’ve been made anew. I feel like I can do anything.

“Leave it up to me.”

I reach behind me and grab onto a chair. The chair swings over my shoulders and with a swift and deliberate force, I slam it directly onto Luka’s head. The chair splinters into wooden fragments upon impact and the blow renders Luka unconscious. I swoop in to catch him before he hits the floor and drag him to the couch in the living room and lay him to rest.

“Sorry, Babe.” I say and kiss the swelling welt on his head. “Like I said, love doesn’t make you weak. Remember me.”

I leave Luka’s apartment and run. My thoughts brew in my mind like a thunderstorm. With all the adrenaline and magic pumping through my veins, it makes it hard to think of what I should do next. There’s a great chance that my plan to take out the Russos will get me killed, but the thought of death doesn’t bother me anymore. A new possibility unfolds before me. I think this is what I was meant to do; I’ll go out in style.

I’ll also have to die properly. I have to say my goodbyes first, especially to the friend that I miss the most.

I need to replace Todd.