Always Crew
Chapter 15

CROSS

Bren took off for work and I headed to the kitchen.

I should’ve been tired, but after the last couple hours with Bren, I was jazzed. Hyped. The adrenaline would leave me this afternoon. I knew I’d be drained, but before then, I just had a couple of classes to hit up. Smelling the coffee had already been brewed, I was surprised to see Jordan at the table. A cup in hand, resting on the table. A plate with toast and two eggs untouched in front of him.

“You’re not going to class?”

He’d been staring outside but swung his head my way with effort. He grimaced, heavy bags under his eyes. His hair was also messed up. He looked like shit.

He shook his head. “It’s a skip day for me.”

I poured myself some coffee and went to sit in a chair across from him. “Z went in?”

He nodded, not saying a word.

He went back to staring out the window and I reached over, sliding his plate in front of me. I eyed his fork, but I didn’t need it. The eggs were piled on the toast, and I made a nice egg sandwich. They’d been fried, too. Damn f*****g good.

He looked back, his eyes unfocused. “How’s Bren doing?”

Swallowing, I wiped my mouth and sat back. “She’s fine. Woke up hard, but she walked out of here easy.” I wasn’t explaining any more than that, so I was hoping he was getting what I was saying. I wasn’t about to tell him I f****d the bad out of her, because that’s, in essence, what I did. The nice words would’ve said more like I loved out the cold or some shit like that, but after this morning and last night, I wasn’t in a big sharing mood.

He nodded, rubbing at his jaw. He needed a shave. I was betting he wasn’t going to get to that today.

He murmured, distracted, “That’s good. I was worried about her last night.”

“You and Tab talk last night when you took her home?”

He shook his head, that unfocused look just increasing as he looked outside once more. “I don’t have a clue what to say.”

I frowned, lowering the sandwich back to my plate.

I tried to put myself in his place.

If Bren had done that? Cheated on me to end things so she could force herself to touch another guy to help save her mom? I couldn’t. Bren would never do that. She’d knife the guy, opting to go to prison instead. That was more Bren. Whoring herself? That wasn’t Bren, but if she’d been in a position where she had to do that?

I felt filleted right then and there. A knife taken to my stomach, one deep clean line from left to right and all my insides were spilling out. Add to that sensation a shit ton of murderous urges—gutting the guy wouldn’t have cut it. Nothing would take that poison out of me. Cancer. That’s exactly what Jordan has inside of him now.

I got it. I did. I see why Bren moved on the guy. If she hadn’t, Jordan would’ve killed him.

I grimaced, just remembering last night and seeing the unhinged plea in her eyes as she took in what was about to happen.

“Bren went dark last night.”

He swung his head back, blinking at seeing me, as if he forgot I was there.

I didn’t scowl. I didn’t glare. Or frown. None of that, but I said, clearly so he understood, what I was saying, “Don’t make that worthless.”

His face shuttered, and he actually flinched. “Never. I know what she did, but me and Tab. There’s nothing that can be said or done to erase it. Not that, not what she did. I want to kill the guy, feel his b***d on my hands, but B did that for me. She did it because she knew she could stop when I wouldn’t have been able to until he was finished. I know what she did. I know we have to watch her, make sure she doesn’t slip back again.”

“Bren’s good. I got her.” I leaned forward, lowering my face, but making sure he was still looking me straight in the eyes. “You figure out what you need. I mean that. Do that for Bren. That’s why she did what she did last night. Any of us, I don’t think any of us would’ve stopped. She did that not just for you or for Tab, but for all of us.”

He nodded. “I know.”

We sat there in silence.

I finished the sandwich. He held his mug, not even drinking his coffee.

I didn’t know the hell he was locked in right now. Jordan wasn’t sharing, but I’d never seen Jordan like this.

“I love her,” he grated out. “Loved her. I don’t know if I love her anymore. I’m a piece of shit for that, aren’t I? I should love her. Right? I should want to touch her, hold her, tell her everything will be all right, but… I can’t, man. She went to him. Him. She let him touch her. She didn’t give me the option of figuring this shit out.”

“She felt like she was between a rock and a hard place.”

“Is that on us?”

His wall fell, and the anguish looking back in my direction was burned inside of me. I’d never forget it. I’d never share it either. Zellman and Bren would never hear about this. They shouldn’t carry that either.

His words rasped out, “Bren went at her last year. Me too. I was right there. Crew or non-crew. Tab wasn’t crew, but I fell for her. Then she ratted, or was going to rat, and why do I feel dirty? I shouldn’t feel dirty. Jesus. He did that to the girl I love, loved? I’m a d**k of epic proportions. I should go to her, hug her, make her feel better. I should do what you did for Bren, because I know that’s what you did. You did what you had to do so she could walk out of here without fifty f*****g anchors pulling her down. I heard her. She sounded good. I know you did that. Old Bren, not a chance. She’d be halfway gone from us. We’d lose her, but we ain’t. You fix her. I should fix Tab…but I’m not. I’m here, not there, and I’m the one feeling dirty.”

“You’re not feeling that. That’s her. You love her. You take on what you love, and you love her. You’re feeling what she’s feeling.”

“You think so?”

But he was barely moving. A statue. The fifty f*****g anchors he put on Bren was what he was feeling. He was being held down, and I was sure. “Your sister’s in your head, and now Tab, too. You’re feeling what they felt, what Tab is feeling. I’d bet anything on that.”

He nodded, his shoulders falling. “Maybe.”

Another minute we sat there. Silence.

And then from him, “Then why can’t I make myself get up and go to her? I can’t bring myself to do it, and I’m ashamed of that. That’s not a man. That’s a coward. I’m a coward, Cross.”

I didn’t have the words. Not anymore. I had shared the ones I did have, but I had one last thing to give him.

“You’re not a coward, Jordan. I’d bet my life on that.”

His eyes were so pained as he stared at me, like I was a life preserver, then he blinked and it was gone. He turned, his focus returning to the backyard.

Yep. He was gone.

Blaise was pissed. That was obvious as soon as I headed inside psych. I ignored him. He didn’t get to saddle up and get on his high horse about Harper. Whatever he did, he already did it. It was our turn last night. Zeke was actually in class today, sitting next to Blaise. I glanced down their row. Aspen was on Blaise’s other side, but Zeke’s fraternity brothers stretched out in the row from Zeke onward.

No Harper.

I hadn’t fully trusted any of them, so I called 9-1-1 from Harper’s own phone, knowing it’d take them a beat before they got to his location. We were long gone by the time we saw squads lighting up the sky. They hadn’t even gone past us, we were already turning for a north road toward the house. Harper would or could still be in the hospital. I told him to keep his mouth shut, that we had someone on his dad, but entitled dicks tended to do what was best for them. Sometimes they didn’t enjoy eating bitter feelings. Egos and pride sometimes got involved, too.

So, we would see what happened.

“Hey.” Zellman slid into the seat by me.

I’d picked the far back and left for a reason. We were well and truly isolated from the class.

Zellman dropped his bag between his legs on the floor and looked around. “No Jordan?”

“Would you have showed up?”

He considered my question and didn’t respond. Yeah. He got it.

But he glanced over, seeing the attention we were getting. It wasn’t just Blaise glaring, but the rest of the frat guys were all glaring, too. “That’s interesting.”

Yeah.

Zellman added, “They know it was us.”

Also, yeah.

“That’s not good.”

A third yeah from me.

Zeke was the only one not looking at us, but he was throwing furtive looks at his frat brothers, then also sending Blaise dark looks right after.

“Your brother is pissed because we cut him out from the beatdown. The guys sitting two seats from him and stretching out are all pissed because we beat down their boy. Note the irony of their seating arrangements.”

I shot Zellman a grin. “Thank you, Professor Greenly.”

He puffed up his chest. “No problem.” Then added after pulling out his notebook, “Your brother doesn’t care he’s putting his best friend in a spot, huh?”

That was the basic gist I overheard last night. “Whatever Harper did, it was bad enough that Blaise wants him out from Zeke’s house.”

“You think?”

I nodded. “I don’t know my brother that well, but I have picked up that if he hates you, he really hates you.”

Zellman grunted. “Huh. Still shitty he’s not backing off, even enough to have Zeke’s back.”

“Nah. He’ll have it. The problem is that he’s not getting that Zeke needs to let him have his back, not just doing it when the guy doesn’t know you’re doing it. That’s not entering my brother’s head.”

Zellman glanced at me, giving me a pointed look. “Maybe you need to educate him.”

I shot him a look back. “You educate him.”

He grinned.

I scowled.

Then the professor came in, and it wasn’t worth being discussed anymore.