Big Bad Alphas
Chapter 38

I sit on our bed thinking about what to say, about what to do when Eric and I come face to face again. Kendra is in the shower, and I sit here, waiting for her, but truly using the time to think and nervously wait. Eric is in the office still, and I do not know if he is almost done. Caroline and Lucas came back with Heath, and Heath went into the office, told to me by Caroline before she went off with Lucas again, this time for themselves.

I envy the two of them, as they are still caught up in the early phase. Everything, in the beginning, was exciting and new. When were we going to kiss? What was his family going to be like? Will I ever see my sister again? What about sex—did he want it? The smell of him drove me insane, to the point of t-shirt swiping, and now here I sit, alone, anxious, waiting to replace out if my latest mistake is small enough to be forgotten. I remember when I used to help him, when I used to calm him, lecture him when I was in control. He would ask for a kiss, and I would have the restraint to say no. I knew he wanted it then, but now, after I have risked the pack, I’m not sure if he wants it anymore.

In the beginning, he would listen to me describe anything just to hear me talk. Now I hold my breath just so he will talk to me.

Maybe the Mate bonds magic has worn off. I told him I loved him, and that moment was wonderful, but now that it’s over we just simply love each other. All has been revealed. Maybe he feels the same. Maybe neither of us were meant for a life like this—a life belonging to someone else.

Whenever I am upset, I think differently. I only focus on the negatives, and I hate it afterward. Why must I see only darkness in our future? Later I will reflect on the bright side, the family aspects, the pack, and my friendships.

Everyone is like this. When we are sad, we think negatively. When we are happy, we think positively. If one has the power to think about the good side with a depressed mind, well good for them. It makes sense, to think about the good to cheer yourself up. I have done this artificially.

When I was younger, upset because Talia might have said something mean to me at school, I would lay on my bed and cry. After a few moments have passed, after the heaviest tears have fallen, I would force myself to be happy. I would think of the good and lift myself out of the hole. Most of the time I knew I was lying to myself, but at the moment I didn’t care.

So here I am now, sitting, apparently depressed and disappointed with myself. What am I going to do? Am I going to plaster on the smile and pretend until I no longer feel pain, or continue in my puddle of sadness? Part of me wants to continue, but Kendra emerges from the bathroom, and the smile is already on, the glue already drying.

“Let’s do something,” she smiles back and rushes to me, jumping up onto the bed.

“Well, what do you want to do?”

“I want Caroline again.”

I sigh. “She’s busy right now, buddy.”

“Well, I want to go swimming then, like you said we would.”

Maybe it was the down part of me or the fueled part, but swimming off pack lands sounded like an escape. I know Eric said no, but with a few guards, we will be fine.

Kendra changes into her swimsuit, not caring that she showered herself clean only to get dirty again.

Maybe I am digging myself a deeper hole, replaceing more ways for Eric to be upset with me. I should tell Kendra that we can’t swim—I really should—but I don’t.

Together, the two of us leave the house and head towards the borders. Once there, I talk with a few guards and ask them to watch us, which they happily agree to, as I am technically their Luna after all. How could they refuse to protect me?

One asks if I would like the Alpha to be informed of my location since I am going off of territory, but I lie again, saying that he already knows. Maybe I am setting myself up, and truthfully I know I am, but as long as I pretend it’s okay, the world cannot hurt me anymore.

Lately, I have been delusional.

Maybe it was the kiss; maybe he poisoned me with his lips. Maybe he didn’t have to poison me.

The lake water is chilly against my skin, yet Kendra is not affected. She jumps right in without a care, splashing around and enjoying herself as a child should. I lay floating on my back, somewhat blinded by the sun.

It is easy to blame my current moods on someone else, anyone but myself. Alpha Kenn got to me, though. All his questions, his compliments, his understanding, at the moment it felt genuine. He must have wanted me to turn against Eric, wanting my trust and protection as Lucas said. Maybe it worked, all until he kissed me and tossed my head in the trash can.

Kendra jumps up on me, pushing me under the water while boosting herself up. The lake is somewhat deep to the point where I cannot swim to the bottom without horrible pressure in my ears. My arms flail around in the water as she uses me like a pool toy. When I finally surface with heavy breaths, Kendra’s laughs fill my ears as air fills my lungs. “What, are you trying to kill me?”

The guards have neared.

We continue to hang around the lake, now on the shore. I lay in the pebbles while Kendra carves a message or picture with a stick. Sitting up, I watch as she finishes the flower. “Do you like it here?”

“A lot,” she murmurs.

“More than at home?”

“Yes, because you’re here.”

I smile and lay back down. “Would you come with me anywhere?”

“Of course. You’re my sister,” she says with an unmistakable tone. “Wherever you go, I go now.”

“You’ll have to start a life of your own, though.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you’ll grow up, replace your mate, make your own friends, build a life for yourself,” I explain. “It’s like a fresh start.”

She frowns. “Will you not be there?”

“I will be, just not all the time.”

“So like it is now?”

I nod. “Yeah, like it is now.”

The sun begins to set, and I contemplate returning to the house or not. The guards urge us to step back on pack territory, as the forest is not safest at night, so we do. I thank the guards and walk back with Kendra. She is less energetic now, calmer and worn down from swimming.

“You should shower again,” I tell her. “I’d feel better if the lake water wasn’t still on you.”

“Okay. I’m hungry.”

“Let’s go have dinner then. You shower after, okay?”

She nods and hurries to the kitchen, hearing Marina in there. Kendra possibly sees Marina as the grandmother she never had, as our grandparents died before we got to meet them. It makes me happy that she has this connection with her. Marina is someone to look up to. “Don’t you want to change first?” I ask Kendra as I enter the kitchen after her.

“No, I want to eat.”

I tell Kendra that I’m going to shower and that I’ll be right back down, before heading to the bedroom. Expecting it to be empty, my heart is calm, no nervous racing. When I open the door and see the bathroom door shut, I want to turn back. He’s in there. I can hear the running water of the shower.

Taking a deep breath, I grab my clothes from the closet along with extra towels. Kendra’s shower is empty, so I grab my things and use the guest bathroom. I shut the door behind me, walk down the hall, open the guest bedroom door, shut it behind me, open the bathroom door, shut it behind me, then set my things down. After taking off my clothes and turning on the water, my eyes drift closed.

Once in my peaceful state of mind, an array of noises catch my attention. A door opening, a door closing, footsteps, a door op—

An abrupt shout escapes me, and I nearly slip at the sight of my Mate barging in the bathroom. Swiftly my arms cover what needs to be covered, and I steady myself from falling and breaking a bone or two. My glossy eyes grow wide as my chest rapidly pumps up and down. “What are you doing!”

“I told you not to leave Pack land,” he says firmly, not fazed by my nakedness or the current situation.

My entire face is cast with color. “Are you serious? I’m in the shower!”

“Why did you go off of my land?”

The tone of his voice frightens me. I know this tone, and it is not the tone of my Mate, but an Alpha, an angry one.

“I-I—” The fogged glass of the shower frame is not enough to cover my body or my struggle. “Right now—really?”

He takes a step closer, his hands now pressed against the glass, my body against the tiled, wet wall. “I told you not to go off of my territory. I told you to your face. Now answer: why the hell did you disobey me?”

My eyes harden. “Who the hell do you think you are!”

“I’m the Alpha, Isabella! I’m the fucking Alpha!”

His shouting makes my ears hurt, and for a moment I expected the glass to break from the pressure of his hands. I shut off the water and force the door open, slipping past him and into the bedroom. “I don’t care! I don’t! I’m done with this!”

I run to our bedroom and ferociously snatch a towel from the bathroom, frustrated beyond belief, hoping no one saw me in the hall. I cover myself and storm towards the closet, dragging one of my suitcases out.

“I’m done, Eric,” I mutter, knowing he is in the room.

“Oh, you’re done?” He mocks me.

I clench my teeth. “I’m so done. Ever since I came here, I have been screwed up. You’re poison; you’re toxic!”

Nothing that comes from him sounds regretful. “Where are you going to go? You’re just going to leave, walk off the land?”

“I’m going home.”

“Good luck getting there!”

I want to scream, cry, fall to my knees, shift; all my emotions are turning against me. “You said I was your world—your life. If this is what mates are, then I don’t want one.”

Abandoning my bag, I rush down the stairs and into the kitchen. Kendra is eating with Marina, both of them happy until they see me, wrapped in a towel with hot tears streaming down my red face. “Watch her, Marina, please. I’ve asked too much of you, but just make sure she’s safe.”

Marina shoots up at my frantic actions. “What’s going on?”

“I’m leaving.”

“Don’t go, Isabella,” she looks at me seriously, not a hint of emotion.

Kendra panics. “Where are you going? Why are you leaving?”

“Just watch her, please.”

I can’t take anymore before I head out the front door and determinedly make my way away from the house. My heart squeezes in my chest, making it hard to breathe.

Every part of my being is begging to return to my Mate, but I keep on walking.