Big Bad Alphas
Chapter 46

After hours of hiding up in my bedroom, I replace myself venturing downstairs, worried and anxious to see someone. Caroline gave me an update an hour ago, telling me that Kendra is safe somehow and that Eric will be back later tonight, and then she left the door and went off somewhere. We spoke through the door, me on the inside and her on the outside, like I was locked in. I could have opened it, I could have hugged her and begged for forgiveness, but I didn’t. I should of, but I couldn’t.

The stairs let out a creaking noise as I land on the second to last step and I contemplate hurrying back up. The wood is cold against my feet. The house seems to be dead. No one comes searching for the cause of the creaking noise. I am like a ghost with no one to scare.

My mates father is dead, Carolines father is dead, Evangeline’s mate is dead, and I am too anxious to say that I am sorry. Sebastian helped me once, he saved my life actually. It was a rogue in the forest, and I saw him go after it. It would have killed me if he was not there.

I remember a lot of things from my time here.

I remember sliding down the tree truck, scraping up my arms as part of Olivia’s revenge. I remember swiping Eric’s shirt when he left the room, smelling it like an expensive cologne. I remember running away only for Olivia to choke me, and only for Eric to believe he did it himself. I remember throwing a glass bowl at Eric’s head, thinking he was the father of someone else’s child. I remember planning a party, a ball, just for Olivia to replace her mate, but Caroline to discover hers instead. I remember our first night together, the sensations, the emotions, the intimacy.

I wander into the empty kitchen, replaceing a tray of white chocolate roses spaced evenly apart. I stare down at them, wondering where they came from.

“I always make them during times like these.”

Turning to the side, I see Marina walking into the kitchen from the dinning room. “We have a dinner with the family, then I make red velvet cakes and set them on top. It’s been like this since Sebastian’s grandfather died, a tradition I suppose. The recipe is passed down.”

“Will there be a funeral?” I ask, looking back down at the roses whose petals open up at me.

“There will be, when Evangeline is ready.” Marina looks over the roses then grabs out supplies from cabinets, preparing to make dinner. “Would you like to help me?”

I nod and do as she says, collecting ingredients and boiling pots of water. “Who will be coming?”

“Evangeline, Eric, Caroline, Lucas, myself, and you of course. Only close family,” she explains while chopping up various vegetables.

“I’m sorry for your loss, Marina. I know you took care of Sebastian.”

Marina stops cutting. “He was a good man, a good Alpha. Loyal. Evangeline must be devastated.”

“She’s back? They found her?”

“Yes. She went off into the forest. Her grandmother used to live nearby, I believe she went to that house.”

I continue assisting Marina with dinner, feeling less anxious since she told me that Evangeline, Eric, and Caroline are spending time alone together. I assume they are at Evangeline’s home, crying, talking, reminiscing—everything people in morning do. I only know stereotypical things as my fathers death was not dealt with normally. I assume Sebastian’s death is being dealt with in a normal manner.

I have not seen Eric since I said my goodbyes, when the gun was about to be held up at my chest. But I want to see him, desperately. If only he was not in pain, feeling the affects of a parents death. If only I could just lay in his arms, as if everything is normal again. Though, nothing has ever been normal between us.

Marinas lets me go and I end up back inside my bedroom, told to get ready for dinner in an hour. Wanting more time with my thoughts, I run a bath and sit on the side of the tub as the water fills up. I can see my face in the mirror, but I look away, back at the water. When it is ready, I strip my clothes and submerge myself in the clear, warm water, leaving the very tops of my shoulders out of the small ocean. I lay here for a while, and I do not notice myself sinking further down at a steady pace, as if my body is simply sliding against the bottom of the tub. Soon the water reaches my chin.

I feel relaxed, my anxiety slipping away. My many encounters with death have me distraught, and for a moment I truly believe that I should be dead right now. It should be me, not Sebastian.

I have always feared death, acting brave when I have to. Death is final, permanent, endless, an intense escape from life itself. I should be dead. How do I keep escaping it? How do I race death and beat it to the finish line? I should feel an adrenaline rush from this, but I only feel like a cheater.

The water reaches my lips, and I feel myself sinking faster than before.

I have always feared death, and I cannot understand why I do not fear it now. Truthfully, honestly, on my fathers grave, I do not fear death at this exact moment, in this exact situation. If I died right now, it would be alright. It is a frightening to feel this way. Something about it seems right, peaceful almost. Like I am making things right, how it was supposed to happen. I am turning myself in with my weapons down, hands up. I have broken the law too many times. It is unfair to others. I have to turn myself in. I accept my punishment.

The water is at my eyes, hovering just below. The room is silent, I hear nothing, my ears are submerged. There is no panic. I know I cannot breathe and I feel fine.

The water engulfs me, swallowing me whole. My eyes are open, confused by the blurriness, seeing a smudged version of my body, then I look up. The bathroom light shines down directly on me, leaving the room dim. My dark hair sways around my face, floating in and out of my vision, light slipping through the thick strands.

My toes and fingers feel numb, and then the rest of my body does, as if I have detached myself. Just as I close my eyes, just as my lungs burn heavily, just as my body seems to cave in on itself, it all stops.

An interruption during my correction.

“What the hell are you doing!”

I am yanked harshly from the water, lifted back into the air only to release an array of coughs and gasps. My hair sticks to my neck and back like wet clothing, some pieces latched to my face. My heart jolts from the interruption, somewhat upset and angry.

I peer up to see Eric holding onto me, and he looks both furious and distressed. He lifts me out of the water like a child, I stand on my own two feet, then he wraps a towel around my bare body before leading me into the bedroom.

I expected shouting, but instead he motions to the bed, and I sit down while he stands in front of me, ready to scold me.

“What were you doing?” He questions calmly, but like he is holding it all back.

I swallow. “I was taking a bath before din—”

“No, Isabella,” he raises his voice and catches himself, bringing it back down, “what were you doing? What were you doing under the water?”

He knows, and it is painful to hear him ask anyways.

Eric is already dressed for dinner, something formal which I was expecting. Marina told me to dress nice. I set the dress I was going to wear out on the bed, and it is still there. A black one, shorter, wraps around and ties in the front with a thin, delicate string. The sleeves are short and the skirt is not tight to my thighs, it flows just above my knees. It is simple and elegant.

“I was taking a bath,” I repeat and stand up. “I’ll get ready, meet you downstairs when everyone is—”

“I haven’t seen you,” he interrupts. “I haven’t seen you since you tried to kill yourself.”

I pause just before I make my way to the closet. “I wasn’t trying to kill myself, I was saving everyone else. He was going to kill you and Kendra.”

“I could have handled it without you putting your life on the line.”

“My life was already on the line, and so was yours.”

He shakes his head, disagreeing. “If you would have waited—”

“You can’t live without me, I know. I can’t live without you either. It was selfish, but I couldn’t be the one left behind. I couldn’t become my mother. I wouldn’t be able to take the pain and I would end up dead too. I thought you could live through the pain if I died, eventually move on. If I died at least one of us would live.”

Eric nears me, coming close but not close enough to satisfy me.

“I just wanted to see you. After I woke up and Caroline told me what happened, I just wanted everything to go back to the way it was. I just wanted to be with you, but I didn’t know where you were. I didn’t know if you wanted to see me.”

Eric reaches out, pulls me against him. “All I wanted to do was see you. You’re the only thing that makes me feel alright.” His arms trap me in and I pull his shirt up from his pants, untucking it. Eric looks down at me.

“You need a distraction, Eric. You need a break from it all. And I need to feel something,” I murmur and reach my hands to the top of his shirt, fiddling with the first button. He takes over and I move my hands to his belt, yanking him closer to me before I unbuckle it.

Once he’s undone, I push him onto the bed, and he lets himself fall. The towel that once covered me slowly drops to the floor, and I stand before him, needing to feel something.