Blood for Honor
Chapter 4

I replace myself standing under the Willow tree outside the village in a small meadow—my thoughtful place. It’s been quite a while since I’ve been here. The state of the area only adds to the sadness inside of me.

The once lusciously green grass crunches underfoot as I approach the tree. Its leaves hang yellow and fading—dying after weeks upon weeks of no rain, and the creek that runs by it is bone dry. Yellows and browns have taken over my once vibrant green forest meadow. Even the familiar blue sky has turned dark as if changing along with my mood. A drizzle of water begins to fall on the earth around me, but the miracle of long-needed rain is lost on me.

Keena’s screams of pain still echo in my ears, but all I can see is the fear in Ysabel’s eyes. Keena and I have fought before, but this time was different. Keena was the one to pull a blade on me, but the fear I saw in my niece’s eyes was fear of me, not for me.

I stifle a sob as crisp grass crunches behind me. Wiping my eyes, I grimace as the rough fabric of my coat scrapes the claw marks on my cheek from Keena’s fingernails.

I look up as Jai steps through the trees. “I shouldn’t have done that,” I say solemnly before he can speak.

All of my anger has ebbed away, leaving me distraught and exhausted. I cannot even fathom the unknown eternity I currently stand at the edge of. I grip my upper arms, trying to hold myself together before I fall apart.

“Why is this happening?” I ask pitifully, unsure if I want an answer or not.

Jai watches me for a moment, mulling over my question. “Life doesn’t generally go how we want it to,” he says. “Shit happens,” he adds, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.

“Seriously?” I ask. I expected some kind of poetic answer, not brutal honesty. After all, he is my father’s adviser, regardless of our friendship. Tactful life advice is his thing. My anger rears its head, and I pull away from his hand. “And I guess everything happens for a reason?”

Pain flashes in Jai’s eyes, but he shoves it aside, being patient with me, as always. “I am, actually, and yes. I would like to believe that everything does happen for a reason.”

I let out a mocking laugh, and Jai’s nostrils flare as his patience begins to wear thin. “You expect me to believe that? You sound like my father.”

“Believe what you want,” he says with a frown, “but when you realize why something has happened a certain way, you will know I am right.”

Jai is ever-wise—it sickens me.

“Whatever,” I say, shoving past him for the village. I can no longer replace solace in my thoughtful place with him here.

Jai grabs my arm, forcing me to turn and look at him. “Don’t do that. Don’t shut down,” he says.

I shrug away from him again. “Too late.”

Lightning strikes with a bang on the other side of the creek, making me jump. With a huff, I take off back home as the rain starts pouring down around us. Jai follows closely behind me as I sprint for cover, but our efforts are futile. We are soaked before we reach the South Gate.

The rain has cleared the streets, except for the handful of children dancing around in the rain with mouths open wide toward the heavens.

“You want a drink?” Jai calls out through the deluge, shielding his eyes with his hand from the rain pelting our faces.

“Sure, why not?” I grumble, none too happy to be drenched in the rain. The effort of running home has doused my anger, but I am holding on to my foul mood. I see no reason not to.

“Well, don’t get so excited about it,” Jai says lightly, trying to break the tension radiating off me. “Come on. Eddie opened shop in the cafeteria.” I ignore Jai, stomping off down the path for the cafeteria with water squishing in my boots. No use in running anymore. The rain has now softened to a dense mist, sticking to our wet skin and hair like dew.

The bar may have burnt to the ground, but the wine cellar was untouched. Good thing, too, because tensions are already high enough. Or maybe that is just me. Without liquor to ease it, I am not sure what would happen.

The cafeteria is a large dome building made from felled pine trees and scavenged metal with a large skylight in the center. The cloudy sky gives no amount of decent light, and torches have already been lit, lighting the room with a soft orange glow.

Eddie stands behind a makeshift bar drying a glass on the far side of the cafeteria. I make a beeline for him, ignoring the people who stop eating or talking to watch me walk across the cavernous room. I focus on Eddie, trying not to let my ears settle on the whispers that start up. I do not want to know what people have to say. I plop down on a stool at the end of the bar. Eddie migrates over to us as Jai sits down next to me.

“What can I get you, dear?” Eddie asks, slinging his dirty dishtowel over his shoulder.

“Whiskey,” I say brusquely.

Eddie glances at Jai, eyebrow raised. Jai shakes his head once, and Eddie turns to grab the whiskey bottle on the counter behind him.

“Same for you?” he asks Jai over his shoulder.

“Sure,” Jai says, observing me from the corner of his eye. I ignore him, staring at the whiskey bottle in Eddie’s wrinkled hand.

Eddie slides two shots of whiskey our way, and I inhale both before Jai can even reach for his. With a pinched face, Eddie refills both glasses without asking. I slide one toward Jai and toss the other back as he does the same. I give Eddie a dark, narrow gaze, and he refills the glasses once more without a word.

“Thank you, Eddie,” I say apathetically before dismissing him with a wave of my hand. I may be slightly more rash than usual, but I can’t help it. After everything, the depression settles over me, blocking out anything good from my mind. I do not see how it can get any better than this.

Not now.

We have had nearly a decade of relative peace. Sure, things get tense occasionally, but it usually comes down to minor disputes that are quickly taken care of with one-on-one fights to the death and so on. Never anything major.

After a deliberate attack on Blackthorn’s center of power, there can be nothing but a war in our future. I have always liked fighting but never wanted to see war again. As a little girl, I witnessed enough horrors of war to last a lifetime. And I was shielded from the worst, for the most part.

“Life went to hell pretty quick, huh?” I ask Jai flatly, downing my fourth shot.

He sighs deeply. “Yeah, it did.” Jai gulps down his shot, wincing at the amber fire going down his throat.

“You know what makes it so hard?” I ask him, voice already tinged with whiskey fuel anger.

“What?”

“My father will try to stop me from fighting when the time comes. After everything, I know he will not allow me the chance to get my revenge,” I say, a sour downturn to my thin lips.

“If something happens to you, there isn’t an heir if Damian is dead,” Jai says.

I frown in confusion, and regret shadows Jai’s face. “Do you know something about Damian?” I ask, worried.

Jai hesitates for a moment, but he is not one to lie or withhold information when asked directly. “Zeke Rekkon sent me a message. He said rumors were swirling around that Carnegie had Damian killed, but he couldn’t be sure who the man hanging in the square was.”

“Danny’s brother?” I ask, shaking my head in denial. “No. My brother is alive,” I say defiantly. I will not believe anything else.

“I hope he is wrong,” Jai says, avoiding the possibility that I would be a fool to ignore. Maybe I am a fool, but I do not believe I could handle accepting such a thing right now.

“Ysabel will lead when we are gone,” I say, trying to lessen the blow Jai’s words strike.

“Ysabel is eleven,” Jai says, making me frown. “She has quite a few years until she is anywhere near ready to lead. A lot can happen between now and then. You would allow Keena to lead your people if your father, brother, or you were not here?”

I huff. Jai is correct, but I do not want to accept it.

He continues, ignoring me as I have done him very recently. I grit my teeth. “Without you, Blackthorn will fall.”

I freeze, something clicking into place inside of my brain. Again, that nagging sense of having forgotten something important comes back. Jai keeps talking, and I have to focus on his lips to keep from losing myself in my mind. “Keena will run this place into the ground. You can have your revenge in other ways.”

I tap my shot glass on the bar, alerting Eddie as my frown deepens. “And how would I do that if I can’t kill the bastard behind all of this?”

“You’re smart. I am sure you can replace a way. Death is not always the worst thing in the world,” he says.

“No?” I ask in a scoffing tone.

“No, it isn’t. It is the easy way out if you ask me.” Jai pauses, letting me take the shot Eddie pours. “Do you want to talk about something?” he asks gently.

I slam the empty glass on the bar, making both men jump. Eddie scurries off to serve a couple at the other end of the bar.

“Talk about what?” I hiss. “About the fact that my husband was murdered in front of me and is now hanging to rot somewhere as a trophy? Or that my brother’s fate may be the same?” I turn to him, my voice dropping to a desperate whisper. “Or do I want to talk about how my husband most likely did exactly what Keena has accused him of?”

I sit back, regretful and wide-eyed. I should not have said anything, but the whiskey loosened my tongue.

Jai looks shocked, as he should. “He did do it?” he asks quietly, knowing that no one else needs to know about this. The people likely already have their theories because if Keena is anything, she is a gossip.

I grit my teeth, looking Jai hard in the eye. “You cannot tell anyone.” My voice is pleading, but I do not hide the unspoken warning in my tone. There will be consequences and repercussions if he speaks a word of this to anyone. “Please,” I add because he is like a brother to me. I should not be threatening him into silence.

“I won’t tell anyone. I know what they would do,” he says, holding my gaze.

“Thank you,” I say, looking down at my hands in shame. “Keena was right,” I admit. “This is entirely my fault—even more so than Danny if he did betray us. I still refuse to believe it, but damn it, it sure looks like he is guilty. I cannot deny that. If he did open the gate, or whatever else I am sure people believe, he was betrayed too. Carnegie lied to him to get him to do it, if he did it.” I am grasping at straws, and Jai does not answer. He will not lie to me, not on this. But silence is worse.

Jai finally speaks, but his words are not comforting. I did not expect them to be, but they still sting. “Nothing can make his actions okay if he did do it. You know that, right?” Jai always speaks the truth, even when I do not want him to. It is one reason my father values his opinion so much.

“Yes, but I love him. I still believe he loved me. He made a bad choice, and he died for it. Isn’t that penance enough?”

Jai holds his tongue, but he wants to say something, anything, I am sure. But I believe what I said, and there is not a single thing he can say or do to change my mind.

“I would like to be alone now,” I say quietly, looking down at the counter in disdain.

“Okay,” he says, getting up to leave. “Don’t drink too much,” he adds. I do not miss the sideways glance he gives Eddie, who nods in understanding.

“Sure,” I say before swallowing another shot in one rebellious gulp.

Jai knows Eddie cannot deny me, and he heads off with one last glance back at me, worry written all over his face.

His concern will not move me. “Another round, Eddie,” I say with a pointed look, offering him both of the shot glasses to refill.

Eddie sighs before conceding. “Yes, ma’am.”