Broken Vows
Chapter 19

Something to live for

Saying I am in shock as I brush the water out of my face is an understatement. I struggle to my feet, still feeling weak. Now, I’m freezing cold. I can’t tell if my body is shaking from the cold or if I’m just that weak. I’m relieved that the pain in my body is less, but I still feel like my heart is breaking and burning. I don’t think anything will help that pain. For the fleeting moment that I heard Cadmus’s voice, the pain stopped, but it returned as soon as I was awakened.

I make my way on shaking legs to the fireplace in the small, cluttered room. It smells and looks like an apothecary. Dried plants hang from the low ceiling and walls. Bottles and boxes litter every table and available surface. Many pots and kettles clutter the stove bubbling away, giving off strong herbal and medicinal smells.

Looking around the room, I begin to wonder why she has all of this collected here. She has more medicinal herbs than surely the dragons need. They don’t typically become ill, so why does Lilith have all this here? I am about to ask when the old hag of a woman throws a bundle of fabric at me, hitting me harder than needed.

“Ouch! Do you take pleasure in causing me pain, old woman?” I angrily remark.

Lilith snorts. “If I wanted to hurt you, I wouldn’t throw things at you. I would have just left you to suffer,” she shoots back, unfazed.

“You need to change out of that wet dress. Sorry, I’m fresh out of silk. Plain cotton will have to do.”

“I wouldn’t need to change if you hadn’t dumped water on me.” I huff, looking at the bundle and unrolling a plain gray dress.

“Well, I needed to shock you back to the land of the living.” Lilith shrugs, but I swear I see her smirk.

I want to fight back, and the younger me probably would have, but now I just don’t have it in me. I haven’t felt like myself for so long that I don’t even know who I am anymore. Taking this old woman’s abuse just seems fitting.

I start to slip out of my wet clothes. I don’t care that she’s still in the room. She glances at my frail and broken body, but her judgment is the least of my concerns. As I change, Lilith continues to busy herself grinding herbs.

“I don’t have a potion to regrow some of your backbone. You will have to figure that out on your own, you know,” Lilith abruptly states. At first, I just look at her, confused, and she rolls her eyes.

“You know backbone, gumption, some nerve? Stand up for yourself! Fight back!” She is thoroughly annoyed with me clearly. It finally clicks what she is trying to say to me.

“I don’t think I’m strong enough to,” I sigh.

“Oh, nonsense! That’s just you believing that man! You will physically recover the longer you are away from him. It’s what’s in your head you need to fix. You let him in there, and he took your spirit. The girl Rana told me about is not the person I see right now. What is standing in this room is nothing more than a shadow. Something you created to make him happy. You need to replace your own spirit again. I just hope you can do it quickly because this meek thing you are now will not cut it.”

Lilith doesn’t mince words or try to soften any of them. They sting, but she is right. I spent so long trying to keep Hadeon happy that I lost every part of myself. My heart is so broken, and I want nothing in this world. I’m thinking of all that I have lost when Lilith clears her throat. She is standing in front of me, holding another brew. I eye it suspiciously.

“Oh, for heaven’s sake! It’s just tea, I swear.” She rolls her eyes as I take the cup from her.

Taking a sip, I replace it is just a herbal tea like she said. I don’t like her much, and I know she doesn’t like me at all. I just haven’t been told yet why she’s even helping me. Was it a favor to Rana? Why are we here with the dragons? What is all of this about? Why did they even bother saving me? Am I even worth saving? My crimes may not be as severe as my husband’s, but I am not blameless.

Lilith plops herself at a little table and pushes things over to one side of it.

“Come here, girl,” she orders. I don’t think she is capable of being pleasant when she speaks to me. I’m not sure I deserve anyone’s kindness right now.

I do as she says and sit at the table. She grabs some bread and cuts off a large chunk, and somewhere under the dishes, she produces a large wedge of cheese. She passes both to me, but I don’t feel like eating. My world has ended, and my body is so tired.

“If you don’t start trying to eat and regain your strength, I can’t help you, and you can’t help us.” Lilith is staring at me hard. I shift uncomfortably.

“What can I do to help anyone” I meekly look at the food in front of me.

“You are the Supreme, right? Don’t you want revenge on that monster? Don’t you want to see him pay for what he has done to Serena?” Lilith almost sounds kind when she says Serena’s name.

“Of course, I do,” I mutter. “But how can I? I don’t have my magic. I don’t have anything.”

I feel the tears welling up in my eyes when Lilith does something I honestly never expected. She takes my hand, and I look up into her eyes. Her hands are warm, and her face looks kind for the first time.

“You have more than you think you do. You will see Serena again, I know that. Cadmus is alive as well. I just can’t replace him. There is strange magic hiding him. There is so much to fight for. There are so many helpless people Hadeon plans to destroy. If nothing else, you need to fight for them. You need to help protect all the other children he will take from their families. You just have to replace something to fight for. Your friend Rana believes in you. I would hate for you to give up and prove her faith in you to be false. Mostly I think you would want to make your husband pay for his crimes. Selfishly, I want my husband returned to me. I have lived too long without him already. He has a job to do, and he can’t do it while he is imprisoned.”

I let all of Lilith’s words sink in, and she pats my hand. I look back at the plate of food and know what I have to do. I have to replace myself. I have to get strong enough to at least face Hadeon again. I feel the anger I had while I was locked in the cell return. I think of every time he made me feel wrong or foolish; Every time he hurt me; Every time I was to blame or the reason he was unhappy; Every time I was a burden to him; Every time I would try and stand up for myself just to be knocked back into my place. I think of every piece of me he stole. I think of everything he took from me. He stole my life and my family from me. He made me this sick and frail thing I am now. He destroyed everything that ever made me happy and took away any chance I would ever have at happiness. The anger and hate for him make me forget about the pain I still feel. I take a small piece of bread and put it in my mouth. Lilith smiles.

“That a girl. We will make the bastard pay, won’t we?” she remarks.

“I want that more than anything. I don’t want him to hurt any more innocent people, but I don’t know how we will stop him. Do you think I might see Serena again? Do you think death can bring her back to me? And Cadmus is alive. How is he still alive? Why has he been gone for so long?” I ask between small bites of bread and sips of tea.

“I know you have a lot of questions. Yes, we believe Cadmus is alive. I think that is why you didn’t die long before now. I think that broken bond of yours has been helping you. Whether Cadmus is aware of it or not, I don’t know. As I said, he is being concealed. I have not been able to replace him. Granted, I am not my strongest on my own. With my husband separated from me for so long, I have been greatly weakened. As for Serena, I don’t know what death can do for you or her. I know you will see her, though. It’s just a feeling I have in my bones. You will see her.”

“How are you the wife of death? He’s a man? I just thought death was just that: death.” I shrug, feeling stupid, but my curiosity outweighs my pride.

Lilith chuckles a little in her crackly way.

“Yep, he is a man. He is anything he wants to be, really. We met and fell in love. It’s a really long story, but the short answer is that he chose to live as a man, and we happened to meet. It was fate. I think we both felt like any other fated mate would. We need each other. I think the Gods thought he needed something to live for as it were.” Lilith chuckles again at her own odd joke.

“I miss him greatly. He’s warm and kind. The things that Hadeon is making him do are so against his nature. I told you I am selfish: I want my husband back. I need to save him before he is lost completely.” Lilith looks at me sadly.

I nod. I want to help her. Yes, she is a mean old thing, but I now recognize the pain behind her eyes. I know that pain all too well. I mentally whisper Cadmus’s name, and I swear for a brief moment, I can feel him like he’s with me. I seem to be surrounded by nothing but ghosts now, but somehow, I replace it comforting. I just wish I could fix what I destroyed. I know now how much I regret so many things.

“So, where do we even start?” I finally ask after sitting in the strange silence.

“The dragons won’t help us, will they? Don’t even know which clans of shifters are left or whom we can trust”

“No, the dragons won’t help us other than providing a safe place for us to stay for the time being. They have eyes on Hadeon, and we are lucky for that. Rana and Richard will let you in on everything as soon as you are ready.” Lilith is up from the table, gathering herbs again, picking leaves and petals from the dried stems.

“Well, I feel ready now,” I state firmly.

“Let’s give it a day. I just had to bring you back to the land of the living, remember?” Lilith snickers a bit.

“I remember,” I say, glaring a little at her.

“That place, that void I was in, someone else was stopping me. I wanted to follow Serena, but someone kept stopping me from following her. Who was that?”

“I really can’t say for sure. There are a lot of souls stuck there with death, unable to reach them, but it is a good thing they did stop you from following Serena. I know you want to be with her, but you are needed here for far more than just what is happening now.”

“How do you know that? “I query. I need to know what my purpose is now. I need to know what I am here for other than stopping Hadeon. Is there more for me in life than that?

“Willow, I have seen your path. While some of it is hidden to even me, I know it is long and winding. There are things you are meant to do. Unfortunately, we don’t get to know our futures completely. It would take all the fun out of living if we knew everything,” Lilith states.

I want to argue with her. My life has been ripped apart, and she’s talking about the fun of not knowing. I’m so tired of not knowing what will happen to me next. I just want some form of certainty. I just want to know what my purpose will be. The fates could at least tell me that, couldn’t they? I deserve a little after everything, don’t I?