Can't Help Falling For You
Facing Up to Your Inner Demons

The twoboys looked around the small square room with the tiny bathroom off to one sideand an equally minuscule kitchen beside it. The apartment would be cramped withthe two of them but it was the best that they had seen all week and they wereboth getting tired of looking. At least there was no mould in this one, nonoisy neighbours from what they could tell, and more importantly, the lock onthe door worked. Blaine knew this would be the best they were going to replace. Yes,it was in Queens, but it wasn't too far from Manhattan and the neighbourhoodseemed alright. The small, dark haired boy turned to his boyfriend who lookedless than thrilled at the prospect of squeezing all their stuff into a tiny,one bedroom, third floor apartment. Blaine winced a little. He really didn'tthink they were going to replace anything better at this point.

“What doyou think Sam? I know it's small but this is as much as we can afford together.Just think of it this way, it'll be cosy.” He came over to the tall blonde,wrapping his arms tightly around his waist and resting his chin on Sam's chestas he looked up pleadingly into his eyes. He could tell Sam was really thinkingabout it and finally he looked down to him, sighing but his mouth quirked intoa small smile.

“I thinkwe can make this look like home B. And I don't care where we are as long as I'mwith you.” Leaning down he kissed Blaine chastely, leaving the smaller boyslips tingling and wanting more. Blaine could never get enough of Sam. He lovedhim more than he had ever loved anyone before.

“Me too.Shall we take it then?” Blaine inquired, a hopeful expression on his face andSam nodded his head. A broad grin quickly spread across Blaine's face as hetook Sam's hand to go back down to the patiently waiting agent below.

“Yeah. Wecan paint it and put some pictures up, it'll look great then.” They went backdown the stairs to the estate agent to sign the documentation. They weregetting their own place. Together. Moving in with each other for the first timeand it felt wonderful to Blaine. So what if they were living in a shoe box, hedidn't care. All that mattered was that he was with his Sammy. Forever.

It hadbeen a week since he and Sam had moved into their new place. Boxes were stillscattered everywhere and they had only just finished painting the walls.Yesterday they had bought a couch but other than a bed and a sofa, they had noother furniture yet. Blaine didn't care though, it was their home and theywould make it look nice before too long. They had even discovered that they hadthe tiny roof on the top of the apartment too and he couldn't wait to plantsome flowers up onto it. To really make it their home.

He hadbeen so busy with the move and his classes that he hadn't had time for anythingelse however. Sam had been busy with work as well and so here he was, at NYADA,leaving their new apartment looking like a tornado had struck it. Tying up hislaces of his workout shoes, Blaine groaned internally when he spotted theperson he wanted to see the least traipsing across the room to him, his headheld high in a proud way, a cruel smile gracing his lips. As Kurt stood infront of him, his arms crossed as if to wait for Blaine to make the first move,Blaine frowned and carried on getting ready for class, ignoring his ex-boyfriendin the process. When Kurt realised what he was up to, Blaine heard a huff frombehind him and he sighed heavily as he turned round to see exactly what it wasthat Kurt wanted from him.

“What doyou want Kurt?” He tiredly asked the chestnut haired boy who was looking downhis nose at him.

“I heardyou and Sam have moved in together. Well have fun while it lasts because we allknow that Sam's only in a relationship with you for one thing and you probablygive it to him so easily that it's a joke. You're probably so desperate for himto stay that you'll do anything to keep him. Well, you know what they say,people don't buy the cow when they can get the milk for free.” Kurt sneered alittle and Blaine felt his jaw drop and his eyebrows raise at the rude remark.His throat tightened as a scowl formed on his face. Sam would never abandonhim, he was his best friend and he loved him more than anything. Kurt justdidn't understand.

“That'snot true, we love each other. Look, I'm sorry if I've hurt you in any way but Ican't help the way I feel and neither can Sam; and we weren't even togetherwhen Sam and I got together, you had broken up with me...” He repliedpragmatically. He did not want to get into yet another fight with Kurt in themiddle of class. As it was people were starting to stare, waiting for any juicyaction that might take place so they could gossip with their friends about itlater.

Kurt laughedas though he had said the funniest thing in the world. “Sure he loves youBlaine and not just fucking you senseless. You and I both know this isn't goingto last. You gave up the best thing you ever had for a roll around in the sackwith a pretty blonde. Well, more fool you Blaine. It'll all come to nothing inthe end and you'll end up sad and lonely, which is what you deserve.” As hespat out the last part Blaine could feel the sting of tears prick his eyes andhis throat get thick with the lump that was forming. How dare he say that Samdidn't love him? They would last, they were far more than just sexual partners.Sam was his best friend, and he always would be.

“You'rewrong Kurt, Sam loves me and he always will so get used to it because it'snever gonna change!” He yelled at Kurt, who took a step back at Blaine's anger,flinching slightly as though he were scared Blaine would hit him. The smallerboy picked up his bag and stormed out of class. There was no way he would beable to concentrate now, not with Kurt's words hanging over his head. He kepttelling himself that Sam truly and genuinely loved him, but it didn't stop theniggling insecurities that Blaine felt about himself and his self-worth. DidSam genuinely love him? Or was it just physical? With tears flowing down hisface he stopped outside a bakery, spotting his favourite pastry dish. Cronuts.He pushed the door of the shop open...

Puttingthe key in the door, Sam pushed it open to his new apartment, breathless in hishappiness at his new living arrangements. It had been fun living with Mercedesfor a while, but this was infinitely better. Blaine was not only his boyfriend,he was his best friend and nothing would ever change that. The large smile thathad been on his face for the whole of the day dropped as soon as he saw Blaine,sitting on their couch eating and looking decidedly miserable.

“Blaine?What's going on? What are you eating?” Sam asked concerned as he sat beside theman he loved. Blaine sobbed, his mouth full and Sam immediately wrapped thesmaller boy into his arms safely, watching as Blaine crumpled into them,clutching at his shirt.

“Sam...I'm sorry!”

Shocked,his eyes going wide at Blaine's outburst he started rubbing the boys back as herocked him back and forth to calm him down. He was really worried. Blainehadn't been like this since Kurt broke it off with him. He looked a mess. Whatthe hell could have happened? “For what? B, tell me what's wrong.”

“Kurt...he said that you didn't love me, that you only wanted me for sex... and I...I...” Sam's face softened at Blaine's words. He never thought he was goodenough for anyone. Sam knew better however. He was extremely lucky to be lovedby such an amazing person as Blaine Anderson. The residing anger that he feltfor Kurt rose a little as he comforted his boyfriend in his arms. How dare Kurtsay these things to him? He knew exactly what to say to hurt Blaine. He wasgoing to give him a piece of his mind the next time he saw him.

“Hey,hey. Don't you dare listen to him. I love you because of who you are. Yeah thesex is fantastic, I'll give you that, but I love you because you're kind andcaring and you look after me and support me. Because you understand me like noother person does. You make me feel like I can do anything. That I'm not anidiot. I love you because you always think of others before yourself. Kurt isjust jealous of what we have honey, that's all.” Blaine's sniffles resided ashe peered up into Sam's sky blue eyes.

“Did youjust call me honey?” He asked incredulously.

Samshrugged in a nonchalant fashion. “Yeah I was testing it out, do you like it?”When Blaine chuckled Sam knew he didn't mind the nickname.

“I likeanything you call me.” Sam's heart surged in his chest as he gazed downlovingly into the golden eyes of the person that he wanted to spend the rest ofhis days with. “I'm...I'm sorry I didn't trust that you love me.” Smiling, hepressed a kiss onto Blaine's temple before laying his head on top of the otherboys.

“Hey,it's ok. It's not that you don't trust me, it's that Kurt can make you feellike crap. He knows you so well he can push all the right buttons. He's onlydoing it because he's hurting and jealous and he wants you all to himself. Youcomfort eat because it takes the pain away, I get it.”

“Maybe heshould have thought of that before hurting me so much and dumping me.” Blaineresponded bitterly, snuggling closer to Sam for the comfort of Sam's strengtharound him. Sam hated that Blaine felt this way. He wished that he didn't haveanything more to do with Kurt but that was not an option whilst they both wentto the same school.

“Yeah,maybe... Hey his loss is my incredible gain, hmm?” He told Blaine, trying tocheer him up. He loved the big smile on his face, not this sorrowfulexpression, crumpled and worn. He looked so tired, with dark circles under hiseyes. Blaine never slept well, but it had been getting worse lately and Samwondered whether the smarmy, stuck up, male diva had anything to do with it.

Blainenodded and gave him a wry grin that didn't reach his eyes. “I love you Sammy.”

“I loveyou too. Blaine...” They both sat in silence for a while just relishing in thecomfort of each other’s company. Sam could help but feel worried about Blaine'shabitual eating habits whenever he was upset. Was this normal? If he only ate alittle, he wouldn't have really thought about it but it was a lot. There werewrappers and cartons everywhere. This couldn't be healthy. He took in a largebreath before he decided to talk to Blaine about his worries. “Blaine? Maybeyou should see someone about this whole comfort eating thing because I'm alittle worried about you eating all this crap whenever you're upset. I mean Ilove you no matter what weight you are; you know that right? But I'm worriedabout how this might be affecting your health. Physically and mentally.”

Blainewas silent for a long time, biting his lower lip and looking sheepish at hisbinging habits as he looked at all the empty packets around him. It was almostas though he were ashamed of himself. After what seemed like an age to Sam,Blaine looked back up to him with his golden puppy dog eyes, nodding his headas though in agreement. “...Ok. You're right. I'll call my parents about it andsee whether they'll pay for me to see someone.”

“That'smy B. Always the fighter.” Kissing his boyfriend once more on his forehead, hebreathed a sigh of relief when Blaine smiled widely up at him, his eyestwinkling fondly up at him.

Blainesteeled himself as he sat on one of the breakfast bar stools beside the kitchencounter, his phone in his hands. It had been three days since his conversationwith Sam and they had spent most of that time finally sorting out all of theirpossessions. He had run out of excuses. He had to call his parents. He hadpromised Sam that he would do this but that didn't make the thought of callinghis parents any less scary. Come on Blaine, you can do this. Your parentslove you, they will help you. And he wanted help. He didn't want to feelthis way any longer. He didn't want to stuff his face and then feel so guiltyabout it afterwards. He didn't want to try and make himself better throughfood. He hated that he wasn't confident and happy with himself as he should be.Before he could convince himself not to make the call he tapped the number andpressed the send button. “Hey mum. How are things?” He called out brightly, afalse smile plastered onto his face.

“Goodsweetheart, your father has booked us a month long cruise in Europe. I can'tcomplain.” He chuckled alongside his mother. Now that his father was retired heand his mother seemed to go everywhere. But then they could, it wasn't asthough they didn't have the money. “How are you doing my love?” She asked himin her motherly voice that immediately bought a lump to his throat.

“Um,actually I wanted to ask a favour...” He asked hesitantly, his voice course.

“What isit?” She asked with urgency. He knew that she would tell something was up justfrom his voice. She was his mother after all.

Sighinghe thought he should get to the point. “Well Sam thinks I should see someoneabout my comfort eating.”

“You'recomfort eating again? What has Kurt said now sweetheart?” His mother questionedhim softly in her motherly fashion making tears spring into his eyes.

“He...well he just makes me feel like crap mum.”

“OhBlaine...” His mother tutted in sympathy and he couldn't help but hiccup a sobdown the phone. Sometimes he just needed his mother to give him a hug but hervoice was good enough when she was not by his side. He missed her voice.

“He saidthat Sam doesn't love me, that he just wants sex from me and when he gets boredthen he'll leave me.”

He couldhear his mother’s chuckle and knew she was smiling. He knew it wasn't that shewas laughing at him, but only that what he said was so silly to her. She hadseemed to adore Sam when he had introduced her and wouldn't believe that they wereonly friends. Blaine smiled a little at his mother’s stubbornness on thatmatter. She had been completely right of course. But then, more often than not,she was. “Well I don't think that's true my darling. To be honest I alwaysthought you and Sam suited each other a lot more then you and Kurt ever did.”

Althoughhe knew that she inherently believed that he still wanted her confirmation inwords. “You really think so?”

“Yessweetie, and I agree with Sam. You replace someone and your father and I will paythe bill. We love you Blaine and if Sam didn't love you he wouldn't havesuggested it now, would he?”

“I know;Kurt just has a way of getting under my skin.”

“I know,he always did, for good and bad reasons.” Humming his agreement to his mother’swarning he thought back to his whole relationship with Kurt. It had, ever sincethe moment they had gotten together, felt one sided. Kurt had always seemed toget his way on the majority of the decisions with Blaine tagging along afterhim. It was as though he were always trying to catch him up and he never could.It always had to be what Kurt wanted. It had never been about him.

“Love youmum, and... thank you.” Wishing his mother were there, his heart ached. Hemissed her so much sometimes. He didn't think that that feeling would ever goaway now that he didn't live at home any longer.

“Ohsweetheart, you're my little baby. I love you the most. Now, don't forget thatboth you and Sam need to come visit at some point.”

Smiling affectionately,he shook his head. “I won't mum. Bye.”

“Bye mylove.” Feeling lighter after his conversation with his mother, Blaine felttruly happy for the first time in a while. He felt as though he could getthrough all this hurt and pain and come out the other end. With Sam by hisside. Then he could move on with his life once and for all.

Sittingin the waiting room, his legs crossed as he sat nervously in the chair, Blainewaited for the therapist to call him in. His leg twitched up and down rapidlyas he waited minute by minute. He just wanted to get this over with. He hatedsitting here waiting for something to happen. He had always hated to wait forsomething to happen, he preferred to do something. His patience wasn't his bestvirtue. He almost sighed aloud when he saw a plump looking middle aged womanpeek around her door and call out his name. He wanted to get through this soquickly that he jumped up and practically ran into the room, sitting on thechair opposite the doctor. He had already talked with her on the phone toexplain his situation and after they had gone through a little small talk shedelved right to the heart of his problem, for which he was eternally grateful.He was sick of small talk.

“WellBlaine, tell me about how you feel when you start feeling urges to eat.” DrAdams asked him kindly enough. She reminded him of a kindly grandmother whoalways baked cookies for her doting grandchildren.

“It'smostly after I've talked to my ex. He makes me feel like I'm worth nothing andthat I'm not good enough for anyone. I... I get really hurt and upset and feelreally low about myself and then...” He stopped, taking a deep breath in,trying to keep himself calm. It had taken everything he had to admit that to astranger. It was one thing for Sam to know, but another for someone he hadnever met before to know. He now wished he had taken Sam's offer to come withhim. This was scarier and harder than he thought it would be.

“Then youstart to eat? Yes, I understand. You replace pleasure in the food you eat becauseit tastes good and so it makes you a little happier when you are eating. I takeit that it's mainly sugary dessert type foods?” Blaine nodded, looking abashedas she gave him a kindly smile. “Well, what we need to do is replace analternative to eating to make you feel happier again. Something like reading abook perhaps? Or taking a long bath? When you feel the urge to eat, try doingsomething else that you know makes you happy. What do you like doing in yourspare time Blaine?” She inquired, not expecting anything from him. She made himfeel at ease and he could feel himself relaxing into his chair, his legsautomatically folding till he was sitting cross legged.

This wasan easy answer. There was nothing he liked better then singing. “Well, I lovesinging, I started to write songs a little while ago too.”

“There,that's one thing you could try. Writing can be very therapeutic. Especially ifyou are writing about your feelings. Music is also something that greatlyincreases happiness in people’s lives Blaine. If you love doing that it mightbe worth pursuing when you are down. Alternatively, you could go for a longwalk or a jog and put music on whilst you exercise?” Her suggestions seemedperfect to him. If he could replace something to distract him from his woes, tocheer him up then he wouldn't feel the constant clawing in his stomach for himto eat all the time.

“Thatsounds good, yeah.”

“Is thereanyone you can talk to about your feelings?” Dr Adams asked and he smiled ather. That was the simplest answer of them all. His heart raced as thoughts ofSam entered his head. Sam always made him feel like he was walking on clouds.He loved him so much.

“Sam. He’s.My best friend.” His bashful smile told her all she needed to know.

“And?”She asked, her eyebrow raising along with a knowing smile.

“And myboyfriend.” Smiling, she squeezed his hand, telling him that she wascomfortable with anything he told her. He knew that thought of him being gaymight be uncomfortable to some people, although the reason why had alwayseluded him. This was who he was, why was that so wrong?

“Well, ifany of the things we have talked about in today's session don't work you couldtry talking to Sam. Telling someone how you feel is a good release of your pentup feelings.” Blaine nodded rigorously once again. This was making a lot ofsense to him. “Most of all, you need to start loving yourself as much as Samloves you Blaine. It'll be hard, but you need to start looking in the mirror inthe morning and telling yourself that you love yourself. Tell yourself why youlove yourself. It may sound silly but it may work.”

Stumped,Blaine sat wringing his hands in his lap as he looked down at them. He wasn'tquite sure how to go about doing that and he hadn't expected the doctor to sayanything like that. Do I really not love myself? Is that why I get so down?Is that why Kurt's words cut so deeply? It must be true, I mean, she is aprofessional after all. “Ok... I'll try. Thank you so much.”

Smilingkindly at him again made him feel that maybe he could do it. Maybe she wasright. What better time to start loving himself then right here and right now?Well, trying at the very least. “You're welcome Blaine. Any time you need totalk just make an appointment and I'll be here for you. Good luck.” He shookher hand and almost skipped out of the office. Feeling much brighter abouthimself he decided to go and pay Sam a visit at his work. He was determined totry everything that Dr Adams had discussed with him.

Blainewas putting the finishing touches to his dish to take over to Rachel's fordinner tonight when Sam came up to him, shoving his phone in Blaine's face.Laughing, Blaine pushed Sam's hand away and looked up at him puzzled. “Dude, Ijust got a text from Rachel. We've been uninvited from pot roast Monday's forlike ever.” His brows raised but to be honest he wasn't all that surprised. Hehad deliberately made enough food for only the two of them since he knew thatthis was probably likely to happen. Kurt wouldn't want them there in hisapartment and although he was upset that he wouldn't see his other friends, hehad accepted it inside.

“Do youreally want to go Sam?” He asked his blonde bombshell of a boyfriend.

“Youdon't? It's all our friends. Why should we have to be uh... what’s the wordwhen people chuck you out and you're not allowed back in?” Chuckling, Blaineanswered his question, patting Sam's chest with his hands.

“Exiled?”

Hewatched fondly as the light bulb in Sam's mind lit up and his face becameanimated. “Yeah exiled. Why should we be exiled from our friends just becauseKurt doesn’t like the fact that we're together?”

Blainewinced. He could think of someone else other than Kurt that might not be toohappy with them being there tonight. “I think you're forgetting Mercedes.”

“I don'tknow. I don't think this is Mercedes doing.”

“You'reprobably right. Well how about we have our own pot roast Monday just the two ofus. We've already cooked most of the meal.” Blaine slid his arms around Sam'swaist, his chin resting on his chest as he looked up into the beautiful blueeyes he loved so much.

Samsighed glumly. “Ok...” Feeling badly for him, Blaine decided then and therethat he would try and make this the most special pot roast Monday that Sam hadever had.

“Youmight even get an extra treat from me after.” He told the taller boy playfully.Sam's face lighting up was all that Blaine had needed.

“Awesome!I'm totally liking this idea more and more.”

“Ithought you might.” Leaning up he gave Sam a deep, slow, lingering kiss and hefelt Sam pull his arms from around his waist, grabbing onto his wrist, and pullhim towards their bed.