Chain Gang All Stars
: Part 2: Chapter 26

For the first time, Thurwar was genuinely happy that Staxxx had spent the night with Randy Mac. She wanted an evening to herself to lament. She’d taken an early leave of the group and practiced with her hammer, and though she and Staxxx were scheduled for a tag-team match next, it was Staxxx who popped up in her mind’s eye as her adversary as she drove Hass Omaha through the air.

Thurwar had let her worst thoughts flood the Queen’s Tent. That she had already waited too long. That Staxxx would never forgive her for not telling her about the rule change ahead. That she had no idea why Staxxx had killed Sunset. That everything she knew about Staxxx was a lie.

Maybe she was cracking before the fight came. Or worst of all, maybe she wasn’t, and so would actually be forced to allow Staxxx to kill her on her freeing day. Because that was what she would have to do. She couldn’t imagine any other way. The idea of bringing Hass Omaha to Staxxx—it was a nightmare that she’d had on more than one occasion. She was no longer the person who harmed the people she loved. She was not. She couldn’t be. What she had done to Vanessa was the greatest mistake of her life. She was no longer the person who’d killed her, although she still believed that she’d forfeited her right to life for having done so.

She briefly indulged the idea that the information on the card wasn’t true. A burst of salvation. There was no guarantee, after all, that the woman who’d given her the card with the season 33 rule change had given her anything other than a brutal rumor. Some unfounded wish.

But Thurwar knew it was true. It was exactly the way the people who made these games thought. Once season 33 began, which would be right after their upcoming doubles match, Staxxx would become a Colossal. And as such, this new, brutal protocol would be triggered and a week later the season would launch with the match the world had dreamed of: Thurwar vs. Hurricane Staxxx.

Who was she now that the person who kept her going was the person standing in her way? She would let herself be killed first, she resolved. Wasn’t that the plan in the beginning, when she first joined? To die? She would finally show the courage that the man from the U-Blockers had. She would win with Staxxx in their next match. They would win and then Thurwar would go to her freeing day. She’d end up Melancholia after all.

—

Thurwar watched Staxxx’s shadow. The morning was still young.

Thurwar made space to feel proud of how jealousy no longer shaped her life. A certain petty part of her did sometimes wish bad on Randy, but after all they’d seen together, Randy was one of the few people who understood her. He would have been a good friend of hers if not for the way he shared in her destiny.

But he helped Staxxx be herself. Helped keep her together. And Thurwar was, in that sense, grateful to Randy Mac for sharing the load.

But Staxxx never stayed with Randy for breakfast. Thurwar listened to the Links gathering their food and felt a wave of relief to a tension she hadn’t yet acknowledged when Staxxx’s figure was there just outside the tent, hauling their customized morning meals, LoveGuile tucked into her armpit.

“Hey there, beautiful,” Staxxx said.

Thurwar looked at her, her smiling mouth.

“What’s wrong?” Thurwar asked, and made room beside her on the bed. Thurwar tried not to think of season 33, as if Staxxx could hear the bleak thoughts that rattled in her head. Staxxx carefully put the two large food crates on the ground and then, in one fluid motion, slipped the pack off her back. Thurwar wiped her left hand against her thigh and continued to rub the spot next to her. Staxxx dropped her head into Thurwar’s lap.

“Today is the last day of the March,” Staxxx said.

“Okay. That’s okay,” Thurwar said as she wiped the tears falling sideways on Staxxx’s face. “It’s me and you.”

“It’s you and me,” Staxxx said. “I’m not worried about the grounds.”

Staxxx and Thurwar had trained together carefully for the last few days since the Melee. Their coming battle was against a pair who had shot up through the ranks in a way that had not been seen since Thurwar herself. Two men, two different styles. They would be prepared. Staxxx wasn’t worried, but that was because she was Staxxx. Thurwar was extremely worried. This would be their greatest challenge on the grounds yet.

“I feel like I’m—like I’m a peregrine falcon. The ground is a different thing for a bird,” Staxxx said.

There was a very specific kind of survival the Links sometimes grabbed for, a way of speaking in codes and puzzles to one another, to obscure what they were really saying from the audience. It wasn’t a game, but it felt like one sometimes. Fans had picked up on the habit and tried to crack their codes, even though their exclusion was the very purpose of it.

“It’s me and you,” Thurwar said. She could smell Randy Mac on Staxxx’s skin. “Tell me.” And as the HMCs floated closer, Thurwar thought of the psychological burden she carried. Even without knowing that they would be forced to fight should they survive what came next, Staxxx was distraught. No. She could not tell Staxxx the truth. Keeping the secret of their fate was another way that Thurwar would protect her.

“The peregrine falcon can dive faster than two hundred miles per hour. I’m like that. I come to the ground to eat, to snatch things up before I come back to sky.” Staxxx picked her head up, wiped her eyes. “When winter ends you hear it from the birds first.”

Thurwar pulled Staxxx into her so she could kiss her forehead.

“I’ll be flying with you.”

Staxxx felt so much so loudly. She spoke in songs and poems and codes that Thurwar usually understood because she felt so many of the same things. But sometimes Thurwar wished Staxxx would say exactly what she meant, let the people know whatever she was thinking. Fuck the people, just pretend it was them alone.

But Thurwar also worried that the time on the Circuit had made it so some of Staxxx existed in a jumble that she herself could not parse. They called it “cracking,” and Thurwar wasn’t always sure that she was capable of keeping Staxxx together.

“Wanna run some weaponless drills?” Thurwar asked.

Staxxx looked at her, confident. “Sure,” she said.

This was her way of being there for people. With her body. Thurwar knew one way to ground Staxxx and that was to get her to use her body.

Staxxx was already in good training gear: compression tights under shorts and a T-shirt. Thurwar put on some tights of her own and a long-sleeve compression shirt. They went outside and picked a spot hidden behind the tent to spar.

“Best of three takedowns?” Thurwar circled Staxxx, trying to have fun. She was having a good knee day.

Staxxx stretched her neck. “Sounds good.” She looked to be considering a moment before saying, “Ey, Bad Water, come set us up.”

Thurwar raised an eyebrow and Staxxx smiled back.

“Huh?” Bad Water said from somewhere on the other side of the Queen’s Tent.

“Get over here, Walter,” Staxxx bellowed.

In moments Walter arrived at the two women standing beside each other in the grass. He looked at them, his pale skin reddening as he waited.

“Thanks, Bad Water,” Staxxx said.

“We just need you to say ‘go.’ We’re running some drills,” Thurwar explained. “Weaponless takedowns. You’ve seen us do this before, right?”

“I have,” Bad Water said.

“Good, come on and learn something then,” Staxxx said. “You just say ‘go,’ and try not to make Thurwar feel bad after I drop her, okay?”

“We’re going to three,” Thurwar said. “It’s not going to be hard to keep score, though.” Thurwar winked at Bad Water and she watched him shudder. She chose very precise moments here and there to remind her Links that she was a person like them, that she could joke too.

“No out of bounds?” Bad Water said. “My son used to wrestle.”

“You have a son?” Thurwar said.

“I didn’t know that,” Staxxx said.

“You don’t talk to me,” Bad Water said.

“And that’s not going to change now,” Staxxx said, grinning. “All you got to do is say ‘go’ when we’re crouched in position.”

“Okay,” Bad Water said, his mood lifting a bit, clearly pleased to be a part of something.

“Let’s go,” Thurwar said. She and Staxxx had done wrestling drills hundreds of times. Thurwar had incorporated weaponless training into the Links’ practice rotation because she knew from experience that understanding your body as a weapon first was to be more fully lethal. She’d been disarmed more than once in the BattleGround, a fact that had become an epic statistic as usually disarmament meant death.

Now she and Staxxx crouched in front of each other. Thurwar looked into Staxxx’s brown eyes, focused, sharp, grounded. Staxxx was all there.

“Wrestlers ready,” Bad Water said.

He stood a few feet away from them, his back to the tent and the other Links, vulnerable. Everything about the man screamed newbie, Thurwar thought, but then she focused on Staxxx, who was a competitor’s competitor and had never beaten Thurwar when they’d sparred best of three or five or seven or nine. The numbers always rose as Staxxx insisted she get another shot.

Thurwar crouched low but not too low, let her thighs feel strong, as Staxxx did the same.

“Ready,” they each said.

“Go.”

Both their arms shot up. Crouched, they held each other at the shoulder. Thurwar knew the force Staxxx could produce and considered both her options and her opponent’s. She aimed to widen her neutral stance, and as she did Staxxx pulled hard on her left side and dropped down, crouched still with her arms wrapped around Thurwar’s leg. Staxxx’s head was pressed into her side and Thurwar knew the point had been taken from her. Staxxx held the inside of her thigh and guided her down to the ground. Thurwar fell on her butt and Staxxx gleefully collapsed on top of her.

“One takedown awarded to thee Hurricane Staxxx,” Bad Water said.

“You only have to say ‘go,’ ” Thurwar said as she got up. She brushed herself off, shaken not by the takedown but by how precisely and directly Staxxx had gone for her bad knee. Her knee was, in her mind, another secret that she didn’t want to burden Staxxx with, but as she lowered into a crouch again she wondered which of those secrets Staxxx was already privy to. Staxxx, for example, didn’t know Vanessa’s name. She didn’t know the whole story. She hadn’t told Staxxx that she regularly had been physical with Vanessa, or what had happened when Vanessa had tried to fight back. She had never told Staxxx how every night she hoped for a forgiveness she didn’t believe she was worthy of. And she loved Staxxx for never asking.

“Look at that. Grand Colossal and a sore loser,” Staxxx said.

“Oh shit,” said Rico Muerte; he and Sai and Randy were all watching the sparring now.

“I didn’t lose,” Thurwar said. “It’s not over till it’s over.”

“Wrestlers ready,” Bad Water said. “Go!”

And again their hands shot up. Thurwar immediately exerted a downward force on Staxxx’s shoulders, imagined dunking her forehead into the ground, crushing her there. Staxxx resisted, as Thurwar knew she would, and without warning released all her force. Staxxx’s head popped up just enough. Thurwar dropped low and drove her head into Staxxx’s solar plexus and wrapped both hands around her knees. She could feel Staxxx’s core as she pressed into it with her skull. She drove farther into Staxxx with her head as she stood up and Staxxx fell backward. She looked down at Staxxx on the ground. Her palms called for Hass Omaha and she hated herself for the instinct.

“Damn!” Rico said.

“The double-leg takedown,” Sai said. “A classic.”

“Thanks, guys, glad you don’t have anything better to do right now,” Staxxx said as she got up.

“Let’s fucking go,” Thurwar said. Her Links cheered her.

Thurwar wished she could say the truth. They looked into each other’s eyes and lowered, at the ready. Sometimes being a leader meant carrying things alone. And she was the greatest leader in the history of the games. Or maybe she was just afraid of sharing a burden, sharing responsibility. She couldn’t believe that there were people who thought she wasn’t afraid of anything.

“Ready…Go.”

They were wrong.

Staxxx rushed forward. Thurwar was ready. She absorbed the contact, then faked a low inside step before coming over the top and dragging Staxxx down with her hand collared around her neck. She pulled Staxxx down and pressed her chest over her back. Staxxx tried to stand and Thurwar circled her to get good purchase on her thigh. Once she had that grip, she pressed and flipped Staxxx onto her back again.

The small party clapped.

“GOAT shit,” Muerte said.

“Exactly,” Thurwar said. This was who she was.

“Can’t win ’em all,” Sai said.

“Can’t win them ever,” Thurwar said. Trying, trying to enjoy just this and forget for one moment what was to come.

“Lucky for me the BattleGrounds aren’t weaponless,” Staxxx said, sitting cross-legged on the ground.

Thurwar almost let out, What did you say? Instead, she lifted her arms in the air to the cheers of her spectators.

“Love you too, babe,” Thurwar said. Salting the wound and watching close. What could Staxxx know?

“Fuck you,” Staxxx said, and Thurwar thought, This woman is perfect. And all the joy evaporated in her chest.