Cut the Cord
Chapter 6

Blaine waits until he hears Kurt reach the bottom of thestairs and then rolls over to stare at the ceiling again. He’s pretty sure it’sthe only thing stopping him from floating out of the house and into the vastexpanse of winter sky. He’s not sure whether to be grateful or infuriated. Hesettles on a maddening confliction of both. Everything about him is conflictednowadays.

Kurt’s frightened again, only this time it’s worse becausehe can’t stand to breathe the same air as Blaine. He knows, logically, that thisshould create a whole new level of hurt, but it doesn’t. The numbness is stilllodged inside him, a comforting pillow and an unbreakable restraint all atonce.

Maybe the numbness isconflicted as well, Blaine thinks as he stretches his hands above him,palms facing upwards, fingers outstretched. His nails are probably too long, hecan see them peeking out over the tips of his fingers, but locating nailscissors and then actually cutting them is far too much effort. What differencedoes it make if they keep growing anyway?

He’s still a balloon and he hates it. The string he’sattached to keeps entwining around people who stand too close to him, pullinginwards and gently ensnaring them against him. Then, without warning, thestring unwinds rapidly, pushing away with too much force, strangling them andbreaking pieces off himself in the process. Everyone else disappears after thefirst wring of their necks, but Kurt, he keeps coming back for more, theprocess repeating itself in one long, masochistic cycle. How many times can oneperson be strangled before their neck snaps? Blaine isn’t sure, but he knows itcan’t go on for much longer. It’s exhausting, it really is.

Kurt returns ten minutes later, eyes definitely red aroundthe edges, clutching a tray of turkey sandwiches like they’re the only thingpreventing him from falling through the floorboards. Blaine can’t be botheredto roll over again so he watches silently as Kurt places the tray on hisdresser, pushing Blaine’s cheerleading trophy out of the way to create moreroom.

He carries the plate over to the bed, hovering awkwardlyuntil he realises Blaine isn’t going to take it and then placing it gingerlynext to him on the blanket. Blaine continues to ignore it, his eyes stillfollowing Kurt as he retrieves his own plate and perches gingerly on the otherend of the bed, careful to avoid Blaine’s feet. He begins to eat and Blainefeels decidedly wrong as he watches his mouth open and close round the bread,then chew delicately. He doesn’t stop though.

“You need to eat something,” Kurt says after he’s swallowed,his voice slightly scratchy.

Blaine sighs and sits up, pulling the plate on to his lap.The motion earns him a small smile from Kurt and he immediately regrets it. Hestares down at his sandwich, the neatly cut triangle with the perfect layers ofmeat and salad stacked inside, a tiny bit of mayonnaise leaking out one corner.He lifts the bread off the top and peels the turkey out, starts tearing it intolittle pieces.

“I wish I’d succeeded.” He comments suddenly, not reallyaware he’s saying it out loud. He doesn’t care either way.

“What?” Kurt asks nervously, his sandwich dropping onto hisplate as that dreadful look of fear augments.

“I wish I was dead.” He continues, piling the now-shreddedturkey into a neat stack next to the bread. “I wish those pills had done theirgoddamn job and I was lying in a morgue right now, my pulse stopped and my eyespermanently closed. It would be a lot easier, really. If I were dead, that is.Sometimes I wonder if I should try it again, but if I didn’t manage it thefirst time, what are the chances of it working this time, you know? I wish ithad happened the first time. I really wish I was dead.”

“Stop it.”

Blaine looks up at Kurt’s fierce command, watches the firefilling his eyes.

“Huh?” He asks and for some reason that makes Kurt angrierbecause he stands up so fast that the plate on his lap falls to the floor,smashing loudly, the pieces flying off in all directions.

“I said stop it.” Kurt looks so livid and Blaine loves it,feels his pulse pick up for the first time since the pills made it slow; it’sas if all the numbness fades, just for a second, and Blaine can feel vicariouslythrough Kurt. It’s glorious.

He shrugs and laughs internally as the fire in Kurt’s eyesintensifies, the sparks mingling beautifully with the natural waves of bluethat run through them.

“Don’t you dare say that! Don’t you dare ever say that!” Heshouts and the fire is pouring out of his mouth now too. “God, you have no ideado you? Did you not even think about—what the hell was going through yourhead?”

Blaine feels his forehead wrinkle in confusion; isn’t thatpart obvious?

“I wanted to die.” He says, wondering why Kurt is being sostupid. In fact, it’s sort of irritating him in a detached way.

“It was just so selfish!” Kurt continues, his eyes flashing,the waves clearly unable to extinguish the flames. “Did you not even thinkabout what it would have done to everyone around you?”

“Fuck off, Kurt.” The cuss feels wrong, oddly shaped in hismouth but he spits it out anyway.

“What would I have done, hmm? What would Sam have done? AndCooper? Christ, what would your momhave done?” Kurt is gesticulating wildly now and Blaine watches his palefingers swish through the air. They’re such pretty fingers.

“Bought a new dress for the funeral and then swept me underthe rug along with all the other embarrassing incidents connected with meprobably—and believe me, there are quite a few.”

Kurt’s mouth closes and his shoulders slump, the life fallingout of him. Blaine flinches as the fire goes out instantly, no glowing embersto soothe the transition.

“God I—sorry, I shouldn’t have—ugh!” Kurt punches his ownthigh in frustration, his pretty fingers scrunching up. “Look, I shouldn’t havesaid any of that. I shouldn’t have called you selfish, I didn’t mean it. Idon’t actually think that about you.”

Blaine blinks at him.

Don’t you see? Hethinks, his pulse slowly retreating back to normal now the fire has gone. I’m not annoyed because you think I’m aselfish burden, I’m angry because it’s true, because I think that exact samething fifty times day and you just reminded me of it again. Fuck.

“I think—um, shall I— I’m going to go now, ok?” Kurt says ina hurried babble, his voice unnaturally quiet after the shouting.

No, not ok.

“So I’m sorry, again, and I might see you before I go backto New York?”

Please do. Pleasedon’t leave me. I need your fire so much.

“Bye, Blaine.” He pauses, dithering and looking like he didwhen Blaine first laid eyes on him: small, defeated and afraid. “Just—justremember to breathe sometimes, ok? It’s alright to stop and breathe.”

Please teach me how Ican breathe without hating myself for it. Please, please, please.

Kurt pats his shoulder awkwardly—everything is so awkwardall the time now, Blaine hates it but loves the momentary ache it causes in hischest, even as he flinches away from the contact—and then walks out, pullingthe door to behind him with a timid thud. Blaine lies back down again, lets theceiling fill his vision.

Please. I can’t bearthe cold.