Desire for you- ALPHA RYAN Book 1
Chapter 58

ILAY

I probably had an attack of angina pectoris. Angina pectoris refers to attacks of pain and tightness in the chest, as defined by Dr. Google.

I felt sick at the thought of having to turn Cate down. I preferred the option of dying.

Sure, Achira had given me her reasons why I should reject her and stay alive, but could I really bear the pain?

It was always easier said than done and even if I put an end to my life. Wouldn't that be unfair to Cate? I could reject her or I would be banished as a demon, drained of all power and I would die. Wouldn't it be easy to let Cate die thinking that I would "just" die?

No matter how I turned it around, it made no sense and it all led to our hearts being broken.

Damn... I was so close.

I was so close to exploding. I was so angry at the entire universe.

Even my inner demon didn't want to accept this situation. Even though we were always one, I felt its presence like I was off track.

Grrrrrr...

I looked at Achira and knew that I had to get out of here for the first time to clear my head.

The last time I was in this position was over a thousand years ago, when I thought I had lost Catherine. It was pure heartbreak, it was cruel and unbearable and now I would have to endure the same pain again. Catherine and I would have to go through it again.

It was as if I was doomed never to have a mate. "I have to get out for now, I'll see you later," I said to Achira, who just nodded and said nothing more.

I stormed out of the door and didn't know what to do with myself.

The trembling in my chest grew stronger and stronger and I became a blazing ball of fire that destroyed everything.

Everything around me went up in fire and flames.

"Damn, damn, DAMN!" I screamed into the void. There wasn't a soul around. It was just me. Damn it, it was just me! How the hell was I going to spend another eternity alone?

I took a deep breath and knew that my fussing was going nowhere. However, I needed an outlet to let this frustration out somewhere.

Violence isn't always the right solution, but sometimes it's the means to an end.

I had to confront Catherine and Ryan about this situation. I had to play my cards close to my chest this time too. The last time...

I bit my lower lip. It had been two hours since my father's visit. I didn't even have much time left to spend with Cate... I would have to say goodbye to her. I wanted to at least say goodbye to her and have everything sorted out with her.

'Ryan?' I dreaded to my bones having to talk to them about it. I felt like a schoolboy with exam nerves.

You know that feeling when you're nervous and all the contents of your stomach tighten up and you're about to go black in the face? That's how I felt right then.

I wondered if I should just let Ryan know for now, to save Cate the stress for now.

'Earth to Ilay?' Ryan called again. That's right, I had asked for him.

'We need to talk,' I said, swallowing hard.

'I knew something wasn't right.' Ryan said. Could he sense my feelings too? I asked myself.

'Can I get you here for a minute? I asked him.

'Give me five minutes,' Ryan said, so I put out the fire around me and went back inside. I hadn't had an angry outburst for years.

I walked back into the house and went straight to my office.

I waited for Ryan and it felt like he kept me waiting for hours.

'Where is he...' I muttered to myself and sighed in annoyance.

'You can catapult me' he finally said and sat on the sofa.

"I still have to get used to these teleportations..." he mumbled, rubbing his head.

I shook my head and sighed in frustration "You don't need to get used to it, because you'll be rid of me before you know it." I said quietly and sat down opposite him. I had poured us two glasses of bourbon and drank mine straight up.

"Wow, I've never seen you ext a glass either... What do you mean, faster?" he asked me, confused.

"You heard it right Ryan..." I took a deep breath and poured myself another glass, which I downed in one go. Ryan watched me in amazement, probably wondering what was going on inside me.

"Ilay?" he asked.

I nodded slightly and looked at him "I'm sorry, it's hard for me to say those words when I'm sober, it's hard for me to talk about it at all... It just sucks..." I said, biting my lower lip.

Ryan looked at me worriedly "I can actually sense that you feel like shit, what happened?" he finally asked me.

"My father was there..." I began to tell him.

He nodded slightly "It's nice that he was there, isn't it?" he said or rather asked.

I nodded slightly "Yes, my father is the demon king, I already told him that at lunch... Well, he's heard that I have a mate. Or rather, it has come to his attention that I share my mate." I swallowed hard and ran a hand through my hair.

Ryan nodded and looked at me.

I ran my hand over my forehead and could already feel that I was getting cold and sweaty. It was all getting to me so much.

"I don't know how to explain this to you, you don't understand the demon laws..." I said, biting my lower lip.

"I don't think I need to understand them, what's the bottom line of what you're trying to tell me?" he asked me, actually making it easier for me to beat around the bush.

"The bottom line is that I must either reject Catherine or be banished from the demon realm," I said, biting my lip again.

He frowned "Knowing you, you would never reject Catherine..." he said, frowning.

I nodded slightly "There's a catch, Ryan... If I'm banished, then I'll lose immortality and mutate into an old man who's about to die." I swallowed and I felt a sense of unease again.

Ryan looked at me with wide eyes and ran his hands through his hair in frustration "Damn... There's no way out of this?" he asked me.

I shook my head sadly "Unfortunately not" I whispered quietly and looked down at the floor.

"How are you going to explain this to Catherine? She won't take it so easily..." he finally said.

I nodded slightly "Like I said, I have until tomorrow to make up my mind, Ryan. If I don't, I'll be banished and dead in three days at the latest. Do you understand what this is about now?" I finally said.

Ryan nodded "I understand you very well... What do you want to do now?" he asked me, sipping from his glass.

I shrugged my shoulders "That's why I wanted your advice... I don't know what I should do, everything would lead to Catherine and I having a broken heart... Here I also have Achira, who would be alone for eternity and cause me remorse because she has no one. I would even miss you..." I muttered the last sentence to myself.

A smile formed on his lips "Wow, I'm about to get emotional.... I've never heard anything so nice come out of your mouth." he said.

I rolled my eyes and leaned back on the sofa.

"I don't know what to do... The thought of breaking Catherine's heart makes me want to dig my own grave and bury myself as deep as I can." I said and looked at Ryan.

He nodded "This really sucks..." he muttered to himself. "I can't make that decision for you, Ilay, but what I can tell you is that I'd rather have you alive than dead and I think Catherine will be too. I also think that Achira would rather have you alive," he confirmed.

"I don't know how I'm going to break it to Catherine... I really don't," I said desperately and wanted to reach for the bottle again. However, Ryan stopped me from reaching for the bottle again. He grabbed the bottle and hid it behind him. "Alcohol isn't going to solve your problems, Ilay. We can't get around this whole thing, if that's the way you're telling me then you need to get Catherine involved in this as soon as possible." I could clearly feel his pity for me. Apparently it was getting to him more than I thought.

In my mind, he was making fun of the fact that he had won his bet after all, but that wasn't the case. Apparently Ryan could be serious sometimes.

"I really don't know how I'm going to break this to her... Especially as I know I'm running out of time and I won't be able to spend much time with her," I said, running my fingers through my hair in frustration.

"Why don't you bring her here and explain it to her? It won't be easy, no question, but then the air would be out," he finally said.

I nodded slightly and sighed.

I was really running out of time. I had the feeling that the clock was ticking much faster than usual. Otherwise everything felt like it was taking forever.

The ticking grandfather clock in the old people's home came to mind as I wondered what it must be like to be human. It gave me a little taste of what it could be like...

'Cate? Are you busy right now?' I asked her.

'No, not really, I'm just wondering where Ryan's gone,' she replied.

'He's with me, I'll get you here...' I finally said.

I swallowed hard and knew what it would mean to have her here right now and to have to tell her the truth.

Even if I didn't want to... I had to. I had no other choice. I remembered Cate standing in front of the cliffs, about to jump. She was also given the choice and she couldn't decide either.... It took so much out of her that she chose to jump instead.

I had no option to jump, I had to go through here.