Extracts from The Diaries of 'Professor' Cornelius Crane
December 6th, 1965

Motherrealized it pretty soon. I’ve only been back nine days now and already shesuspects. It’s not that women have that apparent six sense, it’s just thattheir normal senses are more…well sensitive to certain aspects of human nature.This is especially and obviously true when it comes to the ‘Fruit of their ownloins,’ if you will.

Fathers, themale of the specie will also come to realize that something is amiss, but ittakes them a while longer. It stands to reason, by nature and in general, menare mostly practical creatures, whereas women are your more emotional entities.

That said, Iwant to document, before I forget, the exact words of a conversation that tookplace between my mother and pastor Red Reilly.

They, ofcourse, did not know that I was eavesdropping, but I had somehow suspected thereason for our good pastor’s visit was me!

“So, Beth,what’s this serious matter you need to see me about so urgently?”

“It’sConnie.”

“Connie? Yourson? Little Cornelius?”

“Yes, there’ssomething terribly wrong with him.”

“Oh my! Whatis it? Have you taken him to a doctor?”

“I don’tthink it’s the type of thing a doctor can help with. That is why I called you!Maybe the church will know what to do?”

“Go on.”

“He’schanged; it’s as if he’s a completely different child. Don’t laugh, but it’s asif someone came and took my real son away and left this…this imposter in hisplace. He looks exactly like my Cornelius, but he’s so…different; so very, verydifferent now.”

“Good Lord,Beth. In heavens name whatever makes you say that?”

“I firststarted to notice the changes about a week ago. Normally he’s up before me inthe mornings. Now, if I don’t chase him out of bed, he’ll sleep to eight oreven eight thirty.”

“O…kay.”

“There’smore. Lots more. He picks up all his clothes, he eats all his vegetableswithout me having to make threats, keeps his room tidy and even makes his ownbed. I’ve always made up his bed. Two days ago he climbed up onto a chair infront of the wash basin and did the breakfast dishes for me. He’s never washeda dish in his whole life.”

“You replacethat a problem? My goodness, most parents would, if you’ll excuse theexpression, kill to have a son like that.”

“He alwaysused to call me ‘mommy’, but now it has become ‘ma’. And then there’s sputnik.”

“Sputnik?”

“Connie’sdog. Our pet Labrador.”

“You calledyour dog Sputnik?”

“ActuallySputnik 5. It was Connie’s idea when we got him about a year ago. Claude saidhe didn’t want no commie-named dog running around his yard, but Connie insistedbecause Sputnik 5 was the first time that a dog had been launched into space.”

“So, whatabout Sputnik?”

“He used tosay it’s his bestest friend ever. Just like Dennis and Ruff.”

“Dennis andRuff?”

“Dennis theMenace and his dog Ruff?”

“Oh, ofcourse, the comic book character?”

“That’sright. But now he hardly ever plays with him anymore. He even seems to replace thedog an irritation.”

“I see.Anything else?”

“Yes!” sheexclaimed almost too loudly. “This is the worst part. It actually gave mechills along my spine.”

“Go on.”

“The othermorning at the breakfast table, Claude was reading the early edition. Conniewas sitting opposite and I could almost swear that…” she paused.

“What?”

“That he wasreading the back of the paper. You know how a person’s eyes move back and forthacross a page when reading? Well I’m almost sure I saw that happening withhim.”

“So?”

“Connie can’tread yet! He’ll only be starting at Jefferson Elementary next year.”

“He wasprobably just looking at the pictures on the back.”

“Perhaps, butfor a moment I could have sworn he was actually reading; even mouthing some ofthe words. “Also, he lately seems to have more interest in the news on the TVthan his favorites, The Alvin Show and The Flintstones. And the same goes forhis favorite toys, and also for the next door neighbor’s child, Mikey. They’rethe same age, but Connie doesn’t want him over anymore.

“Last weekMikey’s mother told me that Mikey had said that Connie had used some…verystrong language down at Pop’s soda store. She claims Mikey said that Connie hadused both the S and F words; that he had told an old lady to…‘F-off.’”

“My word! Didyou confront him about it?”

“Of course!He denies it all. He says Mikey is a big fat liar and that he doesn’t ever wantto see him again.”

“Well, surelythat would explain his recent aversion towards the other child?”

“Perhaps, buthe certainly has been using other unfamiliar language; not the sort a child ofsix would use.”

“Such as?”

“Words like‘Detrimental and…and ‘Stimulant’ and… ‘Moderation.’”

“Could you bemore specific?”

“Well, todaywas the final straw. I caught him red-handed making himself a cup of coffee.And when I picked him out he asked if I’d buy decaf next time.”

“Decaf?”

“Decaffeinatedcoffee. He also said that he didn’t know what the big deal was because all thesoft drink companies added caffeine to their products. Then he said, and I’mabout to quote his exact words: ‘It will never be proven that coffee has anydetrimental affects if taken in moderation. Apart from being a mild stimulant,poses absolutely no threat to a human’s physical or mental well-being.’ Wheredid he learn that? And where did he learn to talk like that? Anyhow, as I said,‘That was the final straw.’ Right after that I got on the phone and calledyou.”

After a shortdeliberation, father Reilly had figured it all out. “I believe you’ve justgiven me all the answers to your dilemma.”

“I have?”

“Certainly.Firstly, from what you’ve told me, it is apparent that your little Connie hasan above average intelligence. Other children would call their pets Spot, Rex,Fluffy or…Ruff. It takes a unique mind to come up with Sputnik 5.

“He’sobviously been picking up a lot of new words, improving his vocabulary, by hissudden new interest in the news and other similar programs being broadcast.Nothing wrong with that at all. Secondly, and most importantly, I stronglybelieve that your son has recently gotten a fancy towards the taste of coffee.He most likely heard about its affects on the radio or TV and became curious.He’s probably been drinking it on the sly for longer than you realize. And,being a stimulant, has made him somewhat…overactive. This would explain thetidying up of his room and all the other activities that he normally wouldn’tdo. It would also explain his lying in later than normal in the mornings; thepoor little tyke must be over exerting himself during the day.”

“You reallythink so? You think it’s coffee?”

“Of course.What else could it be? I hope you weren’t suggesting something more serious.Your boy’s fine. Now stop fussing and worrying. He’s not possessed by some evilspirit. Trust me. In future, just put the coffee where he can’t replace it. And ifthe problem, as you refer to it, still persists, try to curb his sugar intakeas well.”

“Oh, my.Thank you, Father Reilly and thank God. You’ve really put things intoperspective. I was very concerned for awhile there.”

“Glad to havehelped. Anytime you need, just call.”

“It all makessuch perfect sense now.”

“Of course.You should actually rejoice in your boy’s intellect and curiosity. Curiositymay have killed the cat, but it made little human Johnny a much cleverer andwiser person.”

That was thelast I heard because Father Reilly stood up to leave and I had to make a hastydeparture from the passageway outside the living room where I had beeneavesdropping.

It is evidentthat I will have to be more careful in future. I will have to watch my speechpatterns carefully. I will have to change my actions to more of what isexpected of me - a six-year-old kid.

And althoughI abhor Sputnik 5 licking me in the face, I’ll just pretend to enjoy it.