Extracts from The Diaries of 'Professor' Cornelius Crane
August 10th, 2001

Erika and I have been seeing each other on a regular basis (again). Towhat must be her constant displeasure (She is an expert at hiding her trueemotions…and nature.), I often meet her after work at the Balmoral.

Willy has taken to…fraternizing with us most frequently, and by nowconsiders himself a part of our little…clique. That suits me just fine, becausethis time round it has been my intention to have it happen exactly this way.Maybe this time he might not be inclined to screw my woman if he considers us(Him and I) to be good friends. Who knows, maybe the man has a conscience afterall?

Today I arrived at the Balmoral about 5 minutes ahead of Erika.

Willy wiped the counter in front of me and asked, “The usual?”

“Yeah, make Erika’s as well. She’ll be here any minute.”

“Sure, this must be the first time you got here before her.”

“You’re very observant, Willy. I wanted to talk to you…alone.”

He seemed delighted at the request. “Yeah, what’s up man?” Then hesmiled. “You wouldn’t be looking for a best man, would you?”

“You’re getting a bit ahead of yourself, Willy. Let’s not rush things.” Ipulled a $100 bill out of my wallet and waved it under his nose. “I’ll putanother one of these in your tip jar if you can answer three movie triviaquestions.”

“Is that all, man?” He seemed disappointed. Then a little more chippersaid, “Okay! You’re on! Shoot?”

“‘I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse?’”

“The Godfather!” he said swiftly. “Next?”

“The next was the tagline on a movie poster. Shouldn’t be any problem foryou.”

“Okay! Hit me?”

“You have no idea how much I’d love…?”

“That’s the tagline?”

“No,” I chuckled before asking, “‘In space no one can hear you scream?’”

“Alien, man. Too easy! One more. Let’s go!”

“Think very carefully before you answer the last one. It’s also a postertagline.”

“Bring it on, man! I’m ready for you!”

“Be careful now! Just when you thought it was safe to go back in thewater?”

“Jaws, daddyo!” He held out a flat hand. “Give me some skin, and put thatmuthafucker in my tip jar. Hoo-whee!”

“Sorry, but you lose,” I said returning the bill to my wallet.

“No way, man!” he said shocked and surprised. “Maybe you’re thinkingabout Blood Beach, which came long after Jaws, man. Jaws was first to…”

“Uh-uh! It wasn’t Jaws, Willy. It was Jaws 2!”

“What? Yeah, well you knew what I meant, man.”

“Did I? Just as I know you know the difference between Dirty Harry andSudden Impact? I warned you not to answer too quickly.”

“That’s dirty, man. You tricked me!”

“No, I warned you.” I smiled mischievously. “Forget about the $100. Tellyou what. I’m going to make it up to you in a really big way.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m gonna really make you an offer you can’t refuse.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m in the negotiating process of trying to purchase The Greatest Bar onEarth.”

“Yeah?”

“Well, if the deal goes through, I’ll be needing a manager.”

“Yeah?”

“I was hoping you’d take the job?”

“The manager? Wow, man, that would be cool!”

“Yeah, I kinda thought you’d like the idea.”

“Shit!”

“What?”

“The manager? I ain’t never managed a bar before, man? Sure, my dream isto have my own place one day, but…”

“That’s okay. I wasn’t expecting to throw you in the deep end withoutgiving you some swimming lessons first.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, don’t worry, you’ll do just fine.”

“That’s great, man! So, where’s this bar gonna be.”

“I’m disappointed! Any barman worth his weight in gold knows where TheGreatest Bar on Earth is?”

“You mean you’re talking about the real…the actual The Greatest Bar onEarth?”

“The one and only!”

“That is un-fucking-believable, man. That’s gonna cost you a smallfortune?”

“A big one actually. But it’ll be a pretty sound investment,” I saidcalmly. “So don’t be fucking it up?”

“I need to sit down, man!” He did. Then he suddenly realized. “Shit, thatmeans I’ll have to move to New York!”

“Is that going to be a problem?”

“Is what going to be a problem?” asked Erika sitting down next to me. Sheleaned over and kissed me.

“Moving to New York,” said Willy.

“Who’s moving to New York?”

“Me. Maybe?”

“What?” She was unable to conceal her displeasure. “Why? No!”

“What’s wrong?” I asked innocently. “Why not?”

She ignored me and spoke to Willy. “Why do you wanna go to New York?”

“I got a very good business proposition.”

“From whom?”

“Moi,” I said fluttering my eyelids.

“You? Why? What business proposition?”

“I’m helping Willy to realize his dream. It’ll take him forever to getthere if he stays here at the Balmoral.”

Willy gave me his support. “I’m going to be the manager of a bar. Managermeans better pay.”

“Of course,” I added. “Much better pay! He won’t get tips anymore, butthat will be small change compared to the sala…”

“Do you really want to do this, Willy?” she asked glaring at him.

“Yeah,” he answered timidly. “I guess I do?”

“You do, hey? You didn’t think about first discussing it with…firstthinking it over properly and thoroughly?”

“It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity,” he said regaining some bravado.

I gave Willy my support. “That’s for sure. Only a fool wouldn’t jump atthe opportunity.”

If looks could kill, Erika would have decapitated me then and there. Shegave Willy the same stare before asking, “Are you quite positive about this,Willy Newood? Do you really want to run off to New York?”

“Hey!” I said lightly. “It’s okay! We’ll still see plenty of him. I makeplenty business trips to New York each year.”

There was a very slight improvement to her irritability as she asked,“You do?”

“Sure, in fact I’ll be doing a few business deals there next month.”

“That’s you – not me!”

“I never knew you liked Willy so much.”

“I love you, Cornelius Crane, but I’ve known Willy much longer. We have aspecial friendship.”

“Special?”

“It’s not like you may think. So no need to get jealous or anything,okay? Willy is, and always will be a dear friend to me…to both of us, I hope?”

“Of course, why else would I be offering him the business opportunity ofa lifetime?”

“Hey,” said Willy. For a moment I could almost swear that his eyes went alittle watery. “I love you guys. Both of you! You’re my two best friends on theface of this planet. I mean it, man.”

“Excuse me if I skip the group hug, Willy!” snarled Erika. “Somehow, I’mjust not in the mood tonight.”

I decided that it would be most civil of me to give them a little momenttogether. “Excuse me, ladies, but I feel the urge to shake the dew from mylily. In the famous words of General Douglas MacArthur, ‘I’ll be back.’”

“Uh-uh,” said Willy. “Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Terminator.”

“I stand corrected! Was that part 1 or 2?”

“Both of them. The Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgment Day.”

“I like the sound of that second one – Judgment Day. It has a nice ringto it. A sort of grim…inevitability.” I pointed a finger at Willy and made aclicking sound. “You sure know your flicks, Willy. Wonder how you get to see somany between all the women?”

“What women?” blurted Erika.

“I’m sure a good-looking guy like Willy here must have them lined up on aplatter every night.” I slapped the counter. “Willy the stud, I want to see afresh whisky standing here when I get back.” Then I pointed towards the gents.“‘Once more unto the breach.’”

“Star Trek: DS9!” said Willy. “Season seven – episode seven!”

I glared at him. “Sometimes, Willy, you scare the bejesus out of me.” Ipointed yet again. “Once more into the bleach. Marilyn Monroe in GentlemenPrefer Blondes or was it The Seven Year Itch.”

Erika managed a slight chuckle, but Willy said, “I never heard that one,man.”

“Forget about it, Willy.” I moved off. “‘I came through and I shallreturn.’ Back to the Future!”

I gave them a good ten minutes, and they were still at each other’sthroats when I got back.

The last words I heard Erica say was, “…if I replace out you been screwingaround with any of those Big Apple sluts…” She stopped talking as I sat down.

“Hey?” I queried eyeing the empty counter in front of me. “I thought Isaid I wanted a fresh drink waiting for me?”

“Sorry, man,” apologized Willy. “Coming right up.” Nobody said anotherword till he placed the drink in front of me. “Sorry, man.”

I declared, “I have another surprise announcement to make.”

“Any more surprises like that, and I may just slit my wrists,” mumbledErika.

“You’re gonna love this. Trust me. It’s gonna be very romantic.”

“Yeah?” her tone was skeptical.

“I was sitting on the can thinking that…”

“You had a romantic thought sitting on the can? Men! Typical!”

“Hey, that’s why we sometimes refer to it as The Think-Tank. We squeeze alot of our best ideas out while squeezing out…”

“Please, spare me the gory details! Just skip to the chase!”

“I want you both to join me next month in New York. All expenses paid.”

“That’s romantic?”

“I need for Willy to have a look over the bar he might be managing.”

“Might?”

“The deal hasn’t been finalized yet.”

There was suddenly a remarkable improvement in her disposition. “So it’snot a done-deal yet?”

“No! Didn’t Willy tell you?”

“No!” she said glaring over at him again. Then asked, “So why do you wantme along as well?”

“I was hoping we could have some fun together. All work and no play,makes Cornelius a dull boy.”

“The three of us?”

“I was thinking more along the lines of just us two. We can hire ababysitter for Willy.”

“Yeah, I bet he’d love that? An eighteen year-old blonde with big…”

“Would you forget about Willy for a moment? I’ve been gathering thecourage to ask you something.”

“What?”

“Let’s just say it’s also a…business proposition. Well, sort of.”

“Yeah?”

“It needs the proper setting; the proper atmosphere…ambiance. All thatsort of thing. Three would definitely be a crowd.”

“Uh-huh?” she said with a mischievous grin. “And would this businessproposition have something to do with…”

“Just shut up and drink up! To say anymore would…spoil it.”

“I’ll have to put in leave. When next month?”

“That’s more like it.”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

I pulled out a little notebook and checked the dates. “We’ll fly on themorning of the 10th and return on the afternoon of the 12th.”

“So short?”

“I don’t want to make any trouble for you at your work?”

“Don’t worry about that. I know how to handle old Bill Skinner.”

“Great!” I checked again. “I suppose I could cancel my meeting back hereon the 13th. That would give us till the afternoon of the 16th. That’s almost afull week.”

“Great! You did say all expenses paid?”

“You can both leave your credit cards at home. Cornelius Crane will seeto all your needs.”

“Sounds wonderful! And wherever and whenever possible, I’ll see toyours.” She winked.

“I’m a man - I only have one!”

“I’m a woman - I know!”

We both laughed.