Fall With Me (Playing For Keeps Book 4)
Chapter 22

I’ve hated silence all my life.

It’s always been a reflection of something missing. When I was a kid, it meant my dad was on the road with the MLB, often for two weeks at a time. We missed the way he stomped through the house like a dinosaur while we hid, stifling our laughter, the roars that exploded when he found us, when we ran screaming and laughing until he scooped us up and pretended to devour us.

When I was sixteen, the silence was my brother moving to Florida to play for the Jays’ minor league team after being drafted at eighteen. The bathroom door that no longer rattled when he pounded on it, begging for me to hurry up. His bedroom, where Mom spent two weeks missing him but trying to be happy for him.

When I was twenty-one, it was the church where we held Gramps’s funeral. Our home, where my dad sat with his head in his hands for weeks on end.

When I was twenty-two, it was the house I moved into with Ryne. It was days spent alone while he was out of town for work. It was silence when he was angry with me, or disappointed with me, or when he had a bad day at work. It was him taking no interest in my hobbies and us running out of things to talk about it. It was sitting on the couch on Christmas morning, watching him open his stocking while I sat there with nothing, and me dressed up and waiting alone at the kitchen table because he forgot about our dinner date.

This week, silence is Jaxon putting distance between us because he’s scared. It’s the thoughts running rampant in his head, the negative self-talk winning.

It’s coffee and cereal waiting for me on the counter every morning but no one to eat it with. It’s fresh tulips, an umbrella hanging on the handle of my bedroom door because it’s raining, a brand-new bowl of Sour Keys on the coffee table, and the oil change warning on my car’s dashboard suddenly disappearing.

I’d trade it all to have his shoulder pressed against mine at the kitchen island while we sip our coffee side by side.

I don’t understand how something so quiet can feel so fucking loud. It’s earsplitting, and I hate every second of it.

“I think I’m going to move out,” I tell Serena and Devin, tucking my knees under my chin. “I texted my landlord for an update on the repairs, and he said he had someone starting next week. Shouldn’t be much longer. I can grab a hotel until then.”

“Do you think that’s the issue?” Serena asks through my laptop screen. “That he wants his space back?”

I think the issue is that he realized the same thing I did. That what’s going on between us is more than just two friends who fuck most nights, spend their free time tangled together on the couch, or hand in hand under the stars. And maybe if I’d kept quiet a little longer, let the realization sink in, let him get comfortable with it, everything would be okay. Instead, I opened my mouth and tried to invite him to meet my entire family, and that? That sent him running for the hills.

“I don’t know. Not really, but I hate that I feel like he can’t be comfortable in his own home now that he’s trying to put distance between us.” I press my cheek to my knee, trying to center my racing thoughts. “I want to ask him to talk to me, but I don’t want to pressure him.”

Devin scratches a hand through his hair, sighing. “I think it’s something you gotta let him work through on his own. Sounds like he’s always come to you with stuff when he’s ready to.”

That’s one thing about Jaxon. At first glance, he seems like a vault. And maybe he has been. It certainly seems like it’s what he’s convinced himself he needs to do. But the reality is the man is desperate for communication. Connection. Understanding. Validation.

And aren’t we all?

He’s someone who tests the water first. Who climbs in slowly, wades around in the shallow end for a while before slowly working up to the deep end. He’s never going to be someone who dives right in, opens up and spills it all at once. He’ll give you a little bit of him, piece by piece, when he feels safe enough to give it up. I’m grateful he’s ever felt safe enough with me to give me anything.

“Is there something I could be doing better to help him feel comfortable talking with me about what’s bothering him?”

Devin gives me a soft smile. “Think that right there says it all, Len. That you care enough to even ask that question.”

“You’re doing everything right,” Serena assures me gently.

“I guess I just want him to know I’m here.” I sniff, trailing my fingers back and forth over the soft fur of Mittens’s belly. “I miss him, ya know?”

A soft knock on my door cuts through the quiet, and I lift my head off my knees as Jaxon peeks into the room, handsome as ever, freshly shaved, waves tamed, in a pair of fitted dark jeans and a camel-colored sweater that stretches across his broad chest, hugs his muscular biceps, the collar and hem of his white button-up peeking out from underneath.

“Hey,” he whispers, hazel eyes shifting to my laptop. He waves at Serena and Devin. “Hey, guys. Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.” His gaze comes back to mine, and he nibbles his lip, gripping the door frame. “Um, you ready to go?”

“Yep.” I blow a kiss to my cousin and brother, and right before I can shut my laptop, Mittens walks across it, ending the video call with his talented paws. “Add that to your résumé, handsome boy,” I murmur, scooping him up for a kiss before I set him on my pillow. I slide off the bed, setting my laptop aside. When I turn around, Jaxon’s eyes are hooked on me, coasting down my body, then back up.

He clears his throat. “You, um . . . You’re beautiful, Lennon.”

I was hoping he’d say that; I’ve missed hearing it. It’s not the words themselves, but the way he speaks them, like it’s a revelation every time, as if his first thought every time he sees me is just . . . wow. Like he needs a minute to soak it in.

And I bask in that moment, the quiet murmur, the reverence that dances in his fixated gaze.

I also put a little extra sway in my hips as I walk by him, because these vegan crimson leather pants were an absolute bitch to get over my ass, and I’ll be damned if his eyes aren’t glued to it every time he’s behind me today.

He holds my hand as I step into my heels, and I fumble both of them on purpose to feel him a little longer. On the way down to the parking garage, the elevator stops to let a family on, and Jaxon steps into me to make room that’s not needed, his hand on my lower back. He helps me into his car. Puts his hand on my seat, brushing my neck as he looks over his shoulder to back out. And when I see a spider in the car, I scream, curling myself over the center console, gripping his shirt and remembering how sturdy he feels beneath my hands.

Hm. It’s fluff, not a spider. Oops.

When we arrive at Sunshine & Serendipity Dance Haven for Jennie’s grand opening, I watch as Jaxon says a quiet hello to everyone, wraps Jennie in a hug and congratulates her, and then busies himself with Connor, Lily, and Ireland, who are all rolling around on a large mat together. Under normal circumstances, it’d make me swoon. Today, though, as he keeps his distance from us, it’s a reminder that he doesn’t feel like he belongs here. And the nine sets of eyes that follow him feel the weight of it.

Garrett presses a kiss to Jennie’s cheek. “I’m gonna grab the cupcakes and put them out, then you can say your speech, ’kay, sunshine?” He heads toward the back, his eyes bouncing to Jaxon. He pauses at the door before dashing over, wrapping his friend in a hug. “I’m glad you’re here,” I hear him say, and Jaxon hesitates before sinking into that hug for just a moment. “Wanna help me set the food out? I could use you.”

“Me? Oh. Um . . .” He crouches down to the kids. “Is it okay if I go help Uncle Gare?”

Connor stands, thumbing proudly at himself. “Conn’a help too.” He tucks his hand into Jaxon’s, and Jaxon stares at the connection, the corner of his mouth quirking.

Lily smiles. “I’ll stay here with Ireland. She’s safe with me.”

Jaxon looks our way, and when Olivia gives him two thumbs up, he nods and follows Garrett.

“Wait!” Lily leaps to her feet, tugging at the skirt of her dress, wide brown eyes set on Jaxon as he pauses in the doorway. “Y-you’re comin’ back, right?”

He smiles at her, and it’s big and real and so damn beautiful. “Always.”

Lily watches him disappear into the back, and before she sits down with Ireland, she dashes over to us. She grips Rosie’s hand, pulling her down to her level. “You’re not gonna leave, right? While I’m playing with Ireland?” She tucks her thick brown hair behind her ear and leans closer to Rosie, dropping her voice. “I don’t want you to leave without me. I get scared when you’re not with me.”

Rosie cups her face, sweeping her thumb along the freckles dotting Lily’s cheekbone. “I’m not ever going to leave you, sweetheart.” She presses a kiss to her forehead, and Lily flushes, nodding before making her way back to Ireland.

“How’s she doing?” I ask Adam and Rosie as our friends disperse among the growing crowd.

“She’s doing well.” Rosie frowns at Adam. “I think. Right? Fuck, I don’t know.”

Adam wraps an arm around her, touching his lips to her temple. “She’s happy, which is what matters most.” His blue eyes dance with anguish. “I wish we could tell her we’re in the process of adopting her. She thinks it’s temporary.”

“She won’t unpack her bag.” The way Rosie whispers the words tells me she blames herself, somehow. “She says it’ll be easier if it’s ready to go when we decide to send her back.” A tear sneaks from her eye, and she swipes it away quickly. “I don’t know if I’m doing something wrong. It’s so hard. We love her so much, and we just want her to feel it.”

“I think she does.” I look at the sweet girl, the one whose gaze lifts to replace her foster parents every few seconds, the beam that lights her face like sunshine when she sees them. “It’s about stability and consistency now. Unpacking the hard years a little bit at a time as she’s ready, and making new, happy memories together as a family.” I squeeze Rosie’s hand. “You’re doing great. Don’t doubt that you’re loving her right.”

“Thank you, Lennon.” She wraps her arms around me, and I lean into the connection. “I’m so grateful for you. And I’m grateful Jaxon found you when he needed you most.”

It’s been a long time since I feel like someone was grateful to have me. Since I felt like my presence was wanted, appreciated, not just tolerated. Not a day has gone by at Jaxon’s that I’ve felt like a burden, like someone taking up space, grating his last nerve, the way that often had me walking on eggshells with Ryne.

But is he grateful he found me? Did he need me?

The swing of a door catches my attention, and Jaxon emerges from the back, holding a tray of treats, Connor perched on his shoulders and eating a cupcake. His eyes scan the room, stopping on me and Rosie, taking in the way we’re embraced.

“Mama hug Auntie Lenny,” Connor says. “Conn’a lub Auntie Lenny.”

“She’s pretty special, huh?” Jaxon’s gaze stays on me for a moment, until Garrett calls his name. As he walks away with Connor on his shoulders, I swear I hear him say, “Auntie Len is super smart. She’s teaching me all about stars,” and I couldn’t tell you why that sends my heartbeat racing the way it does.

I amble around the airy, bright studio, snapping photos of the décor. It’s a beautiful space, homey and warm, with big windows and lots of natural light. Black-and-white photos line one wall, a little girl in a tutu and ballet slippers in each one. The proud smile she wears warms me from the inside out, and as I take in those tell-tale dimples decorating every picture, I realize they’re all of Jennie.

On the wall opposite the floor-to-ceiling mirror is a stunning mural of Jennie, the only artwork of her as an adult. I place my hand over the painting, running the tips of my fingers over her skirt, my mouth wide with wonder. Because where Jennie has been painted in black and white, her dress is a vibrant shade of yellow, paint splattered over the wall, splashing around her, as if she’s basking in sunshine, exuding it, sharing it with everyone.

“Hi, everyone,” the very woman speaks into the room as I snap her photo. She waves at her friends, her pink-stained cheeks the perfect home to those deep dimples her grin pulls in. “Thank you so much for being here with me today to celebrate the opening of Sunshine and Serendipity Dance Haven. Each and every one of you is so special to me and has played a vital role in my life, and I’m so thankful for the support and love along the way. This studio is a haven, not just for me, but for everyone who wants a place to connect with others, to chase their dreams and do the things they love without risking their mental or physical health, or losing pieces of themselves along the way. Dancing was all that and more for me, and then suddenly, it wasn’t. One day it lost its spark, and this studio is proof that I’ve fought like hell to take it all back.” She takes a deep breath, turning to Garrett, who watches her in total awe from the sidelines, letting her have her moment. “But why Sunshine and Serendipity?”

“’Cause you’re my sunshine,” Garrett blurts, cheeks pink when he mouths oops.

Jennie giggles. “And you’re mine. And none of this, the studio, the renewed love of something that’s always been so special to me, hell, even my own sense of worth . . . none of it would be possible without Garrett.”

His brows jump, and he points at himself, mouthing, Me?

“Yes, you, you turkey.” She holds her hand out to him, and he hauls ass over to her, wrapping her in his arms, pulling her into his chest. The way she gazes up at him, like she’d been resigned to a life of loneliness before he looked her way, has my heart seizing in my chest. “Finding my best friend and soulmate in him was serendipitous, and he’s made me feel like sunshine every step of the way.” She takes his face in her hands, pressing her quiet words to her lips. “I love you.”

Someone sniffles next to me, and I watch Carter swipe at a tear. I swear, I’ve never met a man so in tune with his feelings and comfortable displaying them for all to see as Carter Beckett.

“I’m just so proud of her,” he’s telling me for the fourth time, twenty minutes later as we twirl around the studio, my hand in his. “She deserves everything good in this world.” His green eyes soften as he watches Garrett spin Jennie out before pulling her back in, the two of them laughing. “So does Garrett. I’m glad they found each other.”

“That’s really sweet of you, Carter.”

“Hey, Carter.” Garrett flicks his chin up as him and Jennie twist by us. “Remember how I said I was looking for those Oreo cupcakes for you in the back ten minutes ago?”

“Yeah . . .”

“I lied. I was looking for your sister’s G-spot with my tongue.” He snickers. “Found it.”

“You motherfucker!” Carter lunges for him, and Garrett and Jennie spin away, cackling and high-fiving, and this feels like the wrong time for this, but⁠—

“I believe sisterfucker is the word you’re looking for,” I murmur.

Carter groans, long and loud, wrapping his arm loosely around my back as he continues parading me around the room. Suddenly, he gasps. “Oh, come on. Look! Look at this!”

He twirls me around, until I’m staring at his mom and the Vipers’ older, very attractive, very wealthy general manager.

“Axel Larsen is dancing with your mom.”

“Yes. Yes, he is.” Carter narrows his eyes. “I don’t trust him.”

I snicker, because there’s no other acceptable response. Axel Larsen is one of the kindest people I’ve ever encountered. Did I mention he’s hot as balls and super rich? He’s got that salt-and-pepper thing going on in his short beard and by his temples, like he just jumped off the set for a Touch of Grey commercial.

“Your dad passed away?” I ask softly.

He nods. “Ten years this fall.” He pushes out a heavy breath. “Fuck. Ten years. How the hell did that happen?”

“It’s wild how time keeps moving, isn’t it?” I squeeze his hand. “I hope the memories you made with your dad bring you peace, Carter.”

He looks at me a moment, head tilted as he weighs the words. And then he smiles. “Yeah, they do. Thanks, Len.”

“I take it your mom hasn’t dated since?”

“Nah, never.”

“And what do you think?” I look to Holly, his mom, and Axel. “Do you want her to date?”

“I . . .” He frowns, looking away for the answer. It takes him a moment, but he looks certain of it when his gaze comes back to me. “I want her to be happy. Whatever that happiness looks like.” His eyes replace her again, and when she laughs, the corner of his mouth pulls into a smile. “I don’t know all the answers when it comes to life and love. In fact, statistically, my answers are almost always wrong. I’ve always gone with the flow, and in the end it brought me my two greatest blessings. But what I do know is that life is too short to spend it thinking you’re better off alone.”

His gaze moves from his mom to the same place mine’s been going the last ten minutes: by the window, where Jaxon’s been taking turns spinning around Olivia, Rosie, and Ireland. He twirls Ireland once more before kissing her cheek, passing her back to her mom, and then holds his hand out to Lily. She tries not to smile, mouth scrunching, and then launches herself into his arms. It’s a precious, incredible sight, especially when Lily throws her head back, laughing at whatever he says. And Jaxon? Jaxon’s smile is as beautiful as hers.

“My only hope for my family is that they don’t let go of the people who make them feel like the whole world is suddenly at their feet. The people who come into their life and suddenly renew the one thing they’d lost, even if they never realized they’d lost it.”

Carter’s gaze coasts the room once more, pausing on each of his friends. They stop on Jaxon, lingering there for a moment when he looks at Carter and me.

“And what’s that?” I ask.

Carter smiles. “Hope.”

“Auntie Lenny!”

Carter lets me go as Lily comes running up to me, throwing her arms around my legs. “Did you see me dancin’ with Uncle Jaxon?”

“I sure did, honey!” I hoist her into my arms, closing my eyes as she clutches me to her.

“You feel like Jaxon,” she says on a sigh. “Like Adam, and Rosie, and Connor too.”

“Yeah? How’s that?”

“Warm and safe. Like sunshine in a hug.”

Sunshine in a hug. Four simple words that describe every single person important to me in this room. They shroud the darkest parts of me in light, take my broken, tainted memories in their hands, and turn them into gold, showing me what it feels like to be a part of something real and beautiful and special. With them, I feel like I’m radiating from the inside out.

It’s in this moment I realize that, instead of remaining a temporary refuge for my heartache, somewhere along the way, Vancouver has become my home.