STUPID, HORNY, AND STUPID

Miles

I’ve got a game coming up in two weeks that I’m thinking about sitting in on. Wanna come?

Will I have to pretend I know how hockey works while I’m there?

Miles

I can teach you, baby.

I won’t be going anywhere if you keep calling me that.

Miles

Arguing feels like foreplay to me, so please, keep going.

Shut up.

Miles

I love it when you talk dirty to me.


“I’m never going to forgive you for this, Wren. I have so many emotions inside of me I think I might explode. Actually, I’m moving out.” Kennedy groans, dropping onto the floor.

“I’ll be moving out with her,” Scarlett adds, falling to the floor on top of Kennedy. They laugh hysterically as they roll over each other, getting all up in each other’s personal space.

I’ve just read the latest chapter of Stolen Kingdom to them, and I killed off one of the main love interests, Erik. He was a personal favorite of both of them. I kind of liked him too, but I needed to add some oomph to the story. It’s been a while since I’ve sat in my room and wrote for hours, and this is the first thing that came to me.

I poke them with my feet from the couch as they squirm.

“You guys are so dramatic. He’s not even real,” I say, joining them on the floor.

“He was real to me!” Kennedy sobs, throwing her hand across her face. “I already fan-cast Austin Butler to play him in the movie.”

“It’s not going to be a movie,” I mutter, and Kennedy pretends to sulk. “It won’t be anything if I don’t have any time to actually finish it.”

Trying to finish a novel is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I thought it would get easier after I finished my first one, but it feels like I just learned how to write yesterday. Some days, I just stare at my empty document and hope that daydreaming about writing will finally get me to write something.

I hardly have time to do anything these days between going to practice, the gym, and having my mom hound me with questions. Not only is she stressing me out about my position on the skating team, but she hasn’t heard from Austin in a while, and she’s started to get worried.

Austin has always been a lone wolf, and I’ve always admired that about her. She’s stronger than I’ll ever be, and she’s doing insanely well for herself in Russia with her boyfriend Zion. The more my mom stresses out about it, the more I get stressed out. It’s how we work.

“Speaking of things that aren’t real… How are you and Loverboy?” Scarlett asks with a shimmy.

“Things are good. He’s getting better with training, and I got a ton of Instagram followers. Things are looking up already,” I say proudly.

“Cool, but how are…you know…things?” Scarlett repeats with more emphasis, gesturing suggestively toward my private areas. Kennedy shoots up now, looking at us with expectant eyes, mischief dancing in them.

“What she’s trying to say is, have you fucked him yet?” Ken asks without batting an eye.

“I wasn’t going to say ‘fucked,’” Scarlett argues, rolling her eyes playfully. I snort. Her face suddenly turns serious. “But yes, have you?”

“No, I haven’t. And I’m not going to anytime soon.” I sigh. “But the sexual frustration is slowly eating away at me. I’ve burned through two sets of batteries for my vibrator in the past two weeks.”

I hate to admit it, but it’s true.

Seeing him nearly every day has not helped the throbbing between my legs. He’s an attractive guy, and we have to go to the gym together. Listening to him grunt and groan is not making this any easier. He’s hot, and he knows he is. And for a girl who has been involuntarily celibate for almost nine months, it is not going well for me.

“You dirty bitch,” Scarlett mocks, her face wide in a smile. I shove my face between my hands. “You need to sleep with someone and quick. It doesn’t even have to be with Miles. It isn’t in your contract, is it?”

I lift my face up to them. “Technically it’s not, but I don’t want to do that. It feels too close to cheating, and I feel like I’d have to tell him, and it would be a whole thing.

“So you’re going to mount that tragic vibrator every night until you can’t afford batteries anymore,” Kennedy says, scrunching her face up.

“Pretty much. At least it can make me come,” I say, getting up from the floor.

We all burst out laughing until our stomachs hurt. Kennedy is the slapper, hitting us until we’re basically bruised while she laughs hard. I’m the one with the wheeze, and Scarlett just sounds like an evil baby genius.

“Poor Augustus,” Scarlett says between her hysterical laughter. I remember coming home from staying over at Gus’s and telling them how tragic it was that he tried to go down on me and absolutely nothing was happening. I thought I was broken or something, but it just turns out he didn’t know what he was doing with his tongue. I can’t believe I spent years faking orgasms for that man.

My phone starts to ring beside me, and I see my dad’s caller ID, so I wave my hand around to keep them quiet.

“Hi, Dad.”

“Wrenny! I thought I wouldn’t be able to get hold of you with how busy you were the last time I called,” my dad replies, being the drama queen he is.

I laugh. “I had to go to class, Dad. I’m not busy now. What’s up?”

“Your Miles is still coming to my event, right?” he asks.

My Miles.

I don’t know why my heart stutters at the way he says that. Miles isn’t mine in any way, but sometimes it feels like he is. Something shifted the other day at the rink, and knowing that we’ve got each other’s backs in a purely platonic and friendly way is helping me put that barrier up between us. When I get looks around campus or comments on my post, I feel a weird sense of pride that I get to call Miles mine in front of the world.

“Yeah, he’s coming,” I say.

“Great! I’ve sorted out the room, so I hope he can make it. If not, it’s totally fine. I understand how you kids are these days, but I’d love to meet him,” he says. I shake my head, and I wish he could see me rolling my eyes right now. “I’ve got you a luxury suite, so you don’t have to worry about sleeping in different beds. There’ll be one big enough for you to share.”

“Yeah, Dad. About that. We don’t need to share a bed because⁠—”

“Wren,” he presses. “I want you to know that I trust you. And I know that you and your mom butt heads, but I don’t want that for us. If you and your boyfriend want to cuddle, who am I to stop you? As long as you’re being safe, that’s all that matters.”

“Dad, seriously, you didn’t have to go to all that trouble,” I say. “Two beds are fine.”

“You deserve this freedom, Wrenny.”

“But, Dad—” I try again, but he cuts me off.

“Wren. It’s settled.”

“Mom would never do this,” I murmur.

“Good thing I’m not your mom. Isn’t it, kiddo?” he adds before cutting the call on me.

“What did Daddy Hacks want?” Scarlett asks, beaming up at me.

“Stop calling him that, it’s gross.” I shudder, and they both laugh. It’s even stupider that they use Hackerly as his last name even though it’s my mom’s. My dad’s surname is tragic, and I like to pretend that it doesn’t exist. “He was just double-checking that Miles is coming with me to that event.”

Scarlett’s eyes go wide. “He is?”

“Yeah.” They exchange a look, and I sigh. “Don’t be weird about it.”

“We’re not being weird,” Kennedy says, “I mean, the two of you are going to be in a hotel for a night. The possibilities are endless.

“Yeah, I say buy a cute lingerie set and flash him before you go to bed,” Scarlett suggests.

I bark out a laugh. “I’m not doing that.”

“You should so do that,” Ken adds. “He’d lose his fucking mind.”

“I don’t know about you, Ken, but if—and I mean if—I were ever to sleep with him, I’d want his mind intact.”

She shrugs. “I wouldn’t. I like my men a little tortured and miserable.”

Scarlett’s grin turns evil. “I like mine a little pathetic and a lot rich.”

We all burst into a fit of giggles. “What the fuck is wrong with us?” I ask, trying to catch my breath.

“I don’t know. You started it,” Kennedy says, swiping a tear from her eye.

The next thing I know, we’re all involved in a very intense case of whodunnit, shouting “j’accuse!” at any given moment and rolling on the floor in laughter.

I couldn’t think of anyone else I’d rather laugh at stupid shit with.

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