Falling Awake (Unbreakable #2)
14.

back to Lara:

I threw my jacket somewhere away, as if it could help me throw away all my thoughts as well. Forget, get rid of the crap that kept haunting me on my way home.

Fine, yes.

Maybe I shouldn’t have done it.

Maybe I shouldn’t have left him without saying goodbye.

But I wasn’t thinking at the time. The anger in me shut the rational part of my brain down, and I just wanted to get away from him. At least a thousand miles away.

And maybe I shouldn’t have allowed this in the first place. This whole day. Because yes, that’s right, it came. The very particular moment was here.

When I bitterly regretted my decision.

I knew very well, I expected it to catch up with me. That I would be totally torn apart in the evening. Nevertheless, I refused to listen. And now, I had no choice but to suck it up.

Damn!

What was I thinking?

That something would change?

That a good fairy would appear and as if by magic everything would return as it used to be?

For heaven´s sake! How naive I could be!

It will always be there! The part of his that divided us. The one he refused to tell me about. And I didn’t want to, I couldn’t be so stupid to risk that he would bring me to my knees again. No more. I had to stop it before it would lead to another catastrophe. It wasn’t even a single day we spent together, and something already appeared that set up a barrier between us once again.

Fucking Leroy.

Fucking Eric’s secrets.

But please, alright, he can keep them. He can have them only for himself.

But he won’t have me.

Jim’s house seemed suddenly too dark, I felt like I was stepping into a godforsaken village. After it was completely burned out. I headed straight to the kitchen, as I was interested in only one thing. My uncle’s secret alcohol stash. Because I was pretty sure Jack was the only man who could make me fall asleep tonight.

A double shot, that was my plan. But I didn’t manage to put it into practice as almost half of the amber liquid ended up on the kitchen counter instead of a glass. Exactly at the moment my butt started to vibrate, and I jerked. With my heart in my mouth, I pulled the phone out of my pocket and then exhaled heavily as I saw Joel’s grimace on the screen.

“Joeyyy!” I shouted. If I´d thought there was absolutely nothing there to cheer me up tonight anymore, I just changed my mind. “What are you doing?”

“Hooneyyy!” He sighed too. “I´m thinking about you. How are you? You´ve got any news?”

No, that’s not what I wanted to talk about.

“Tell me where are the boys? What are you doing? How come you call me on Saturday night?” I tried to avoid answering his questions. I sat down on the kitchen island. Actually, I lay down on it, hoping that we would talk all night. I needed him to distract me.

“Ah, not much, we had a concert at Frankie’s. Oscar and Spikey are chasing girls somewhere, and Dave and I are sitting in the rehearsal room, shooting zombies.”

“Bootyful!” I heard Dave shouting from somewhere. “Just so you know, I’ll break your record tonight!”

“Oh, hell no!” I muttered, defeated. “Then I need to come home and keep it!”

Suddenly it was all I wanted to do. There was only one place I wanted to be now. And instead of that, I had no choice but to lie in the kitchen and let Joey talk about every detail of their lives. What was new, what had happened lately.

He was quite busy with work. Dave wrote a new song and was trying to come up with the right melody for it. Oscar was looking for new cymbals for his drums. And Spikey lost some kind of bet, so he would have to survive the next two weeks without a single drop of beer. And I…

Damn, I wasn’t there with them.

My almost brother’s loud laughter and Dave’s cursing when a horde of living corpses attacked him were literally a soothing balm to my soul. I relaxed, I laughed with them, I laughed a lot. Until it stopped me.

The slam of the front door that I heard. That made me fall from my cloud nine straight into hell. I immediately sat down again only to see my demon.

My pretty pissed demon.

“Baby, do you remember the second campaign? Do you still know where the machine guns were hidden?” I perceived Joel´s voice, I heard his question.

But that was it.

All I could do was staring at Eric. Because he didn’t hesitate as soon as his eyes rested on me. As soon as our eyes met. In an instant I regretted being so stupid and leaving him without a word. I regretted being so dumb and going home. It never occurred to me that this would be the first place he would look for me. And at the second when he stepped forward, when he was coming for me, I knew I crossed his line.

“Honey? Are you still there?”

The closer he got to me, the more his eyebrows lowered. The shorter the distance between us was, the more clearly, I could watch the storm raging in his beautiful eyes.

Without the slightest wavering, he pushed himself between my thighs. He leaned with his hands against the island, he leaned his hands on either side of my hips. My heart almost jumped out of my chest as he bowed his divine angry face direct in front of me. Lightning really flashed from his eyes as he pierced me with them. And his bewitching scent almost killed me.

My efforts to escape, to pull myself away from him didn’t help at all. He simply refused to shorten those stupid inches between us.

“End the call, Lara,” he ordered quietly.

He said it with a tone that shouldn’t be protested against, and I didn’t plan to. I didn’t want Joel to hear that. Nothing from it. Because it seemed like we were about to have a very interesting exchange of opinions.

“Joey, I’m sorry, I’ll call you later, okay?”

I don’t know whether my almost brother said something. I rather didn’t wait and hung up the phone.

It took forever, it took three eternities when my demon was staring at me. I felt like he saw my every weakness. Like he was studying them, like he was memorizing them. Only so that he could control me.

“You. Run. Away. From. Me.” He said slowly, keeping his gaze on me. He said it with an accent on every word, with remorse on every syllable.

Right.

AND?

I don’t need a permission to leave, to go somewhere else, to get away from him!

And suddenly I almost didn’t suppress a smile. I mean I really had to try not to burst out laughing. Because my demon looked like as if I´d taken his twenty million dollars with me.

Holy crap, it couldn’t be more obvious! I could see very well why I´d never stopped calling him a demon. And if I was the same as six months ago, I’d probably get scared. But now, now I knew better. He taught me that himself with the vulnerability he´d shown me. My broken heart - his excellently done work – had taught me a lesson as well.

“No girl has ever done it to you, am I right?” I teased him.

And out of the blue, the eyebrows of the envoy from the circles of hell slowly arched. I saw the realization, the settling of the thunder in his eyes. His whole body relaxed. And he didn’t stop the corners of his divine lips from twitching.

“Actually, yes,” he admitted, amused. “That never happened to me before.”

Well, the crisis has been averted.

Or maybe not.

His hands landed on my hips as he squeezed me tightly and pulled me even closer to him. In an instant I found myself pressed against his chest, trapped in his arms.

“Dammit! You ran away from me!” He growled in my face again.

If he wanted to break me, he chose the perfect method. I was sure, I had never been more sure before that I had to tear away from him. I deliberately rolled my eyes at him, just to deny the influence he had on me.

“Get over it,” I growled at him, too.

I tried to push him away from me at least a little. Because somewhere in the deepest part of my brain, I still realized that I needed to breathe. But with Eric between my legs became this task absolutely impossible.

I was grateful when he stepped down, when he let me jump down from the kitchen island. I turned my back at him, I turned to the counter to grab my Jack. Doing anything else was a better option than staying face to face with him. Unless, of course, I wanted to be dragged into hell.

“At least I’m special somehow,” I muttered.

“What?” He shouted, and I almost choked.

Another Jack caressed the taste buds of my mouth, burning me on the way to my stomach. Still, it was nothing compared to his scorching gaze I felt on my back.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, going straight to the point.

“There’s still forty-two minutes until midnight, Dove,” he didn’t hesitate to give me his answer. “You didn’t think I’d give them up, did you?”

Of course not.

Not even in a dream.

I refilled the glass and I planned to empty it right away. It was his warm hand that prevented me from rising my drink to my mouth. He seized my arm, he made me turn back to him, he made me involuntary face his still quite angry expression. The need to escape, I still felt it.

From him, from my thoughts, from my feelings.

“I want my question.”

He spoke out, he broke the silence between us, he said it. And I froze. Because I knew better. Given the situation, I just knew that he would wipe me out with it.

“You promised me one question at the cliff, and I want to collect now.”

“Fine!” I threw my hands expansively as I had no other choice. Maybe I could at least reconsider my stupid determination to keep my word under every circumstances.

The silence during which he watched me was unbearably torturous.

“I want to know what you were thinking about,” he said, piercing me with his eyes.

Wait… What?

Is that it?

“In the morning. Back in the car.”

Fuck!

Did he just ask…? Dammit!

He didn’t have to say it all, he didn’t have to explain what specifically interested him. We both knew very well that he was hinting at my burning cheeks. At the only one moment I never wanted to talk to him about.

Did he make my heart to pound?

No!

He forced him to beat uncontrollably at insane speeds!

Does he really want me to confess? Doesn’t he understand that the color of my face meant I was embarrassed? Does he really want me to admit it out loud now?

Come on, girl, dammit, think!

“About the cottage,” I replied with a calm voice. “I was thinking about the Friday night we spent at the cottage.”

Well, it was sort of a true, my thoughts wandered in this direction as well. And the corner of my demon’s lips slowly but surely rose into a crooked smile.

“You’re lying.”

Fuck!

“Or you’re not telling the whole truth.”

I was screwed! Absolutely, totally, and completely screwed. I just stood there in front of him, and suddenly I felt completely exposed. As if I had nowhere to hide, as if there was no place in the world where he wouldn’t replace me.

“I want to hear it all, Lara.”

But no, I wasn’t able to, I couldn’t make a sound. I didn’t want to say it. Not now, not in a minute, not tomorrow, never! Not to him!

“Come on, Dove. You promised!

Not when he was looking at me like that.

“What were you thinking about, Princess?”

Not when he was hypnotizing me like that. Thoroughly. Like a predator its prey.

“I am listening.”

I didn’t stop the panic attack, suddenly it all collapsed on me. Without being able to defend myself, it engulfed me. The oxygen I needed so badly to get into my lungs was gone. And so was the last hope that I could get out of this unharmed.

“Lara, what were you thinking about?” My demon insisted, he demanded my answer in an increasingly intense tone. And I wanted nothing more, just him to shut up, just me to disappear, simply get lost.

“Say it, Dove! I want to hear it now!” he raised his eyebrows to frown right after. As if I didn’t want to keep my word. “You promised me, and I want the truth! What were you think...?”

“About you touching me!” I shouted. My whole spasmodically contracted heart, all the tension inside me suddenly came loose, and I couldn’t stop the explosion. “I was wondering what it´d be like if you were touching me! Are you happy?”

And he fell silent.

I didn’t know why; I had no idea what he looked like after my confession. Because I didn’t replace the courage to look at him, I didn’t replace the courage to face him. All I really wanted at that moment was to get as far away from him as possible. Again.

I run upstairs to my room and only when I slammed the door did I realized that I´d run away from him. The second time that evening.

I wanted to kick something; I felt the unbearable urge to keep kicking something until I lose my leg. Suddenly, I didn’t understand how he could have broken me so easily. I didn’t understand myself that I´d allowed him to do so. I’d never been more pissed before.

At me. At him. At everything.

And maybe I would do it, maybe I would turn my room into a mess. But the door, which slammed shut again ten seconds after, made me forget. At kicking things. At me. At my anger.

There was only he.

He approached me. Dammit, he stayed standing in front of me, as if everything here, including me, belonged to him. Nothing of his angry expression changed, he was looking at me as if waiting for an explanation. But I also saw something else there in his eyes. As if he had realized something, as if he suddenly saw things from a completely different point of view. As if I could do the first and the last, and he would know better anyway.

And I remembered.

The only look into his narrowed bewitching eyes that were now watching me in detail, and I perfectly recalled my fantasizing. About being lost in his captivity, in his desire to control. Exactly the ones he was just offering me on a silver platter. I recalled the vision of my demon pulling me to him. Not gently, as he always did, but sharply and firmly, as if he was completely overwhelmed by lust. As if he didn’t know rejection, as if he didn’t know the word no.

I was wrong.

Three beats of my madly pounding heart.

His hand in my hair.

My lips, which he usurped.

He pressed his mouth to mine passionately. Wildly. He took me as if I had belonged to him since ancient times. As if my lips had been created for him and only him to kiss them. At that one moment, he let me know, he let me understand.

That the reality was fucking much more captivating than my imagination.

I lost my balance, I fell on his chest, and he… Without the slightest hesitation, he usurped my body as well. And I was really lost. There was nothing more that could help me, I simply succumbed to him.

Maybe it was my closet he pressed me with my back against, I didn’t care. Because he was kissing me. He was kissing me in a way that I didn’t intend to let him stop anymore. I clutched his hoodie in my fist as I needed to push him closer, as I needed to get drunk with his scent. He stole all my free will, it already belonged only to him, when he groaned into my mouth as he appropriated my tongue.

He kissed me; my demon was kissing me like I was the last girl he could kiss. Or the first one with whom he found out how kisses really taste like.

I couldn’t breathe, but I didn’t even want to. I didn’t want him to let me gasp. I didn’t want him to let me breathe ever again. All I wanted was to inhale the air out of his mouth.

I had no idea whether he took it all from me or I gave it to him in surrender. I had no idea where the boundary between us lay anymore. Right now, I was sure of only one thing.

I was his.

His hands slid down my hips before he grabbed my butt. He picked me up without letting go of my lips and I wrapped my legs around him. His palms found their way to my back, they roamed under my sweatshirt and then it was the soft mattress of my bed where we landed on.

I couldn’t stop the low moan that came out of my lungs as his damn divine body covered me. I arched my back, pushing him closer with my legs as his fingers examined the shape of my hip. They kept wandering under my clothes, up the path to my stomach. And slowly but surely, they headed higher.

I didn’t keep it to myself anymore. As soon as he moved his lips to my neck, as soon as he tasted it, I cursed softly. I just cursed at my own reluctance to control myself.

And at that moment, my demon was gone.

I felt the loss of his touch so cruel that it didn’t take me a second to search for him. I looked at him, just to see him slowly descending to the floor in front of me. And the expression on his face immediately made me sit up.

“Dove, I’m sorry,” he whispered, terrified, “I completely lost self-control.”

What?

“I am so sorry! Please, don’t be mad at me,” he rubbed his hands over his face. “Fuck, I’m such a jackass!”

Yeah…, well… I kinda felt sorry for how scared he looked right now. Maybe he was really afraid that I was mad at him. There was only one problem left.

I had no idea why I should be angry.

“Why are you apologizing to me?” I just asked. I couldn’t stand the distance he put between us, I sat closer to him, leaving my legs hanging over the edge of the bed.

“I told you I cherish you seven hours ago,” he shook his head. The confusion in his eyes clearly told me that I was missing something. That he himself had no idea how I could ask something like that. “I told you I would never dare to treat you otherwise than with high regard. And now… I pounced on you like a wolf on a lamb.”

He threw up his hands expansively as if he didn’t know what else to say. My demon suddenly seemed speechless.

“Um, you know,” I scratched my already pretty messy hair, wondering how to clarify my point of view to him, “I don’t recall you forcing me to put my tongue in your mouth.”

He took a sharp breath, that one deep breath, and I could swear he got to the edge of his self-control again. And maybe I wasn’t mistaken, maybe he was fighting with himself hard. However, I knew which side of him won at that second, when he looked down and the lust hidden in his gaze was replaced by seriousness.

“Why did you run away from me?”

Here we go again.

Because of Leroy.

Because of your secrets.

Because I’m tired.

Because I’m giving up.

Our eyes met, I returned his attention and suddenly, I couldn’t replace the right words either.

“Eric,” I began softly, I wanted to explain him how I felt about our situation. I really wanted to. But for all my doubts, I lost the reason to even try right away.

“What do you want from me?”

It was only a question that came out of my mouth. Six words that made him frown, but the tension left his expression immediately after that. He kept watching me, he kept studying me as if he needed to understand what I´d meant. As if he unconditionally had to figure out what I was thinking.

I opened my mouth; I was about to tell him that it was just a simple question. Nothing more. No hidden meaning. Nothing that he needed to think about too long. But my demon didn’t let me speak.

“Everything,” he exhaled. I want all of you.”

His silent statement made my gaze drop to the floor as it spun around and around in my head.

“So, what now?” I finally managed to say. More for myself than for him. “I will trust you again because it won´t be difficult for you to win me over. I´ll give you everything as you ask, secretly hoping that what happened won´t repeat again. That you kissed me one day and then you didn’t remember my name the next day. Is that what you want from me? Should I simply pray that no other situation comes when you refuse me once more? And if it happens, then what, Eric? How about that Christmas party? If you meant those words you said to me at Bill´s back then, why did you send me away then? Will it always be this way?”

I hated the despair, slowly growing in his eyes. I hated myself for being its cause. But reality had always been a bitch, and we both had to face it. This wasn’t a fairy tale which would turn out well in the end. I had my time until midnight, but my Prince Charming obviously had other plans than spending time with me.

“Go home,” I sighed heavily, throwing myself back on the bed. I rather pretended to check the time on my cell phone as it was too torturous to keep looking at him. “You have a guest to take care of.”

I threw the phone away, dammit, I was really hoping he would obey. That he would leave before my fucking tears betray me and start to run down my cheeks.

“We used to be exactly the same.”

I froze, I stiffened. Something in his voice gained my full attention.

“I took care of him. He is who he is only thanks to me. I taught him all of that.”

I sat down again just to replace my demon staring thoughtfully in front of him. Every word he said resonated in me, yet I couldn’t figure out what he was talking about.

“And now I regret it,” he exhaled, defeated. “I’ve created a monster.”

I opened my mouth to ask, but he understood me. He didn’t keep me waiting for an explanation, he just added quietly: “François Leroy.”

He smiled bitterly at me as I took a deep breath. Because I needed air. I really needed a lot of determination not to shiver upon hearing his name.

“He felt it too, Lara,” my demon continued, as if afraid I would make him stop talking. That I would still send him away. “Do you remember when I told you that there´s something in you? That I felt it right at the first moment we met? Well, Leroy felt it too, we both did. With the difference that my primary instinct is to protect you. He...”

He got stuck. My demon refused to speak further, and the silence seemed noisier than the four-lane highway at peak traffic.

“He what, Eric?” I couldn’t stand it; I didn’t want to wait any longer. I had to hear it all.

“He wanted to hurt you that night,” he admitted quietly as if he hoped I wouldn’t register it. But I did, I heard it clearly. And suddenly, I had no idea what to answer him.

“You´re right, Dove, I am different,” his shoulders dropped as if carrying some guilt. “I’m not ordinary and my friendship with you only threatens you. Even though I didn’t want to admit it, I always knew that if I hadn´t been a part of your life, you would never have found yourself in that situation. I swore, I wouldn’t get you involved, that I wouldn’t let my world to affect you, but I failed. And worst of all, it went beyond me, I couldn’t influence it in any way. I saw the fear in your eyes, and I read Leroy´s mind too. That night I realized that if it hadn’t been for me, he wouldn’t have known, he wouldn’t have the slightest idea that you exist. I was driving all day on Sunday, I wanted to run away from all the thoughts and remorse that kept haunting me. I didn’t want to lose you, just the idea of letting you go was killing me. But I was also very well aware that if I don’t do it, I will just put you in further danger. And just the thought that something would happen to you because of me...”

He closed his eyes as if he couldn’t even look at me. He crossed his arms on his chest as if protecting his heart.

“I would never forgive myself, Lara,” his voice broke, “I couldn’t live with that.”

And I was still frozen. Thoughts were racing wildly through my head, but I couldn’t catch any of them. They were so messy, so confused.

“That’s why I did the only thing that tore me apart. I gave up you.”

I couldn’t do it anymore, I couldn’t hold it. The tears burst out of my eyes and kept streaming down my face uncontrollably.

“I was terribly afraid that Leroy would try to replace you, so I rather paid him a visit first. I know how he thinks, there were times when we were thinking the same way. I was sure that if I asked him to leave you be, the first thing he would do would be to look for you. And I couldn’t allow it. That’s why I said to him exactly the opposite. I told him you were just a toy for me. That you meant nothing more, just the trophy I gained. He´s a sadistic bastard who literally seeks challenges and likes to win. As soon as he heard my lie that I´d already scored with you, he lost his interest. I read it in his head, only then I calmed down. Still, I knew that I couldn’t take more risks with you.”

All my messy thoughts disappeared, now, there was an absolute blackness in my head. The longer Eric was opening to me, the more his shoulders dropped, and I slowly began to realize what he had to go through. The urge to hug him was far too unbearable, yet I wasn’t able to even move. Not when he continued.

“So I just did it, I told you that you should stay away from me and I meant it dead serious at that moment. Not because I suddenly changed my mind or didn’t want you in my life anymore. And not at all because I stopped appreciating our friendship. Damn Lara, it was the hardest test I’ve ever had to go through, yet I did it. I had to pass because I needed to protect you. So that no one in my world can endanger you anymore. Never again.”

His words, his confession, hit me hard with everything he said. And suddenly it downed on me. My lungs were craving air, but the idea of breathing seemed impossible. After all, he really tried to protect me! And I, an egoistic cow, was just thinking about myself. About how much I´d been hurt.

It bothered me that he wasn’t looking at me. And then I almost snaped when he did it, when he looked up to meet my eyes. The tenderness in his gaze cut me to pieces.

“And I tried, I tried so hard,” he smiled desperately. “I treated you like an asshole just to make you hate me. I thought it would be better for you, that you would forget about me easier. I was hoping that you, being away on Christmas would help me somehow. But instead of that, I kept driving away so I wouldn’t have to be alone in my room. In a bed that already belongs to you Lara. Since the first time you slept there, it belongs only to you. I constantly had to keep myself busy so I wouldn’t just get on the plane and chase after you. Fuck, I tore five tickets to pieces only to prevent myself from flying. I threw my phone against the wall, I deliberately smashed it just so I wouldn’t ruin your chance to free yourself from me in a single second. It tormented me more than you can imagine, Princess, but somehow, I managed it. I was able to handle it until I saw you again after the holidays.”

Something changed in his expression, I swear something was different. The despair still dominated his eyes, but now, I saw a bit of hope there as well.

“At that moment, at that only moment when you walked inside… When you were standing there by the front door. Your scent bewitched me across the hall.” He reached out his hand to run it through my hair. “As damn beautiful as when I first saw you. There was only one difference. I simply gave up right away. I realized that my effort to stay away from you didn’t make sense. I realized that trying to fight myself again was useless. I understood that I was wrong, that my belief that it´s better this way was totally wrong. I wanted to protect you by not dragging you into my world. But the truth is that you not only belong to my world, you are my world. I was a fool to think I could handle it without you. I can´t. Period. And if I have to look after you every second of the day, I will. I will do anything to keep you safe. Anything, only if I mustn’t give up you again.

The boy in front of me.

No one was able to cause such a mess in my head like him. And now, in this nanosecond, it grew into a chaotic cosmic bang.

And my demon recognized my confusion.

“Before you ask me to give you time and space to think it through,” he whispered, letting his fingers caress my face, “let me tell you a few more words, Dove. Because I have to say them to you.”

He took me by my hand, and I knew he wouldn’t let go.

“You told me that you see someone with a beautiful soul in me,” he smiled. For the first time since he crossed the threshold of Jim’s house, he let me enjoy his magical smile. “But that´s a reflection of you, you see a reflection of yourself. You don’t even know what you´ve already given to me. You made me ask questions, you changed my view of the world. You set aside a solid point in my entire existence that divided my life in two periods. The one before and the one after I met you. So if you ask me what I really want, what I truly long for, then the answer is you. From the moment I found you, I’ve always wanted you. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. You´re my soulmate.”

He raised our joined hands to run with back of his through my face again. Only then did I realize the tears that didn’t stop streaming down my cheeks.

“And that’s why I can’t do it. You are my Princess and I have no strength, no determination, no will to stay away from you.”

One look was enough for me, that one look at my demon, who was still sitting on the floor in front of me, and I was sure that I had never seen him more serious before.

“Lara, you´re gonna have to decide it for both of us.”

Seriousness shone from his whole attitude when he said this sentence. And it took me a while, it took me a fucking long while to put myself together. Because even though I heard him, even though I understood his words, together they made no sense to me.

“What?” I blinked, suppressing more tears.

“I get you; I totally understand that you´re already sick and tired of me. I understand that everything around me bothers you. I absolutely understand if you want me out of your life. Just say it. One word of yours is enough and I will respect it. I’ll leave and you’ll never see me again. You’ll never have to deal with me again. Make your choice, Dove. Yes or no. You have to decide it because I´m not able to leave you.”

I remembered the pliers that gripped my chest when he left me back in December. I recalled them now because they suddenly returned. But this time, at the thought of never seeing him again, my heart truly stopped beating.

“Why are you quiet?”

Is he really asking me something like that?

Does he have no idea what he means to me?

That I wouldn’t survive without him?

“I´m not able to do it either,” I whispered, telling him exactly how I felt. And then I fell in love. Suddenly, again, one more time. When my demon smiled at me. When he looked at me and I saw a huge relief that released the tension from his shoulders.

“There´s a terrible mess in my head, Eric,” I told him, I needed him to know.

“I see it, Princess,” he pressed a gentle kiss to my hand and hid it in his palm again. As if he wanted to let me know that he really understood. I don’t know, his gesture calmed me a little bit.

“That’s why I want you to think now. Ignore me, ignore all the circumstances around. Don’t think of anything else but yourself. And tell me, give me the most honest answer.”

He got stuck and I probably stopped breathing, expecting what he would ask me.

“What do you want, Princess?”

What do I want?

I closed my eyes, trying to think. I wanted to give him the answer he´d asked for. But the gigantic chaos in my head, all the mysteries that surrounded him. My heart which he - though inadvertently – broke. Just the thought of him doing it again for the same reasons. No, I was simply confused.

“I don’t know,” I breathed resignedly.

And the corners of my demon’s lips rose for a second to drop again immediately. He didn’t stop capturing me in his gaze, I found myself lost when he spoke out: “You do.”

Could he be right?

Do I know it?

When I stopped thinking about the crap that kept haunting me. About anything that bothered me. What do I have left in the end? What did I really want?

Him.

“You do know,” he repeated quietly. “Maybe you’re just afraid to admit it.”

I had a lot of friends, I had parents and Jim, I had Joel. But no one could read in me so precisely as my demon could.

That’s what demons are for, isn’t it?

“What if what you want is too much? What if there are too many obstacles, too many rational reasons, that your brain is constantly presenting to you, even though your heart is beating in the opposite direction? What if there are too many complications?”

“Then it depends on how big your desire is. When you really crave something, all those rational reasons go aside. You don’t ask why I should, or why I shouldn’t. You don’t ask when, how, what if. There´s simply your passion, accompanying your dreams and it decides everything for you. And OK, sometimes it could be risky. Wherever is passion you´ll replace there a flame too. And there´s a chance that you get burned. Well, even if you get burned, it doesn’t mean you will die right away. If it’s something that´s worth it, you have to just try.”

Just try girl. Just try.

My eyes dropped to our entwined hands. Or maybe I also let them drop. Because it suddenly seemed impossible to bear Eric’s intense gaze.

The leather bracelet was there.

As it had always been there when I looked at his wrist. Since I gave it to him, he didn’t stop wearing it.

Unbreakable.

I raised my hand, I succumbed to the urge, and caressed his face with my fingers. He looked at me inquisitively, he could watch in detail as I was falling for the touch. He had to see the growing temptation in me. I hugged his face with my palm just to pull him close. And then I did the only thing I really wanted to do at that moment.

I kissed him.

He took a deep breath, as if I took it away from him. He moaned softly, wrapping his arms around my body.

I was being drawn to him.

By his power, or by the power of my desire, probably a little bit of both. I was being drawn to him by perhaps all the powers of the universe. He made me get out of bed and I ended up on the floor, sitting on his lap.

I opened my mouth, though I couldn’t tell what I wanted more. Whether air into my lungs, or his touch. He licked my lower lip and took it in his mouth for a second. When he deepened the kiss, when our tongues intertwined, when he pulled me down to lay on him, when he wrapped his arms around my body, playing with my mouth, it was only then when I utterly understood. What the desire I faced with him was like.

Burning flames?

Bah!

No way.

This one was like a catastrophically spreading fire, leaving nothing behind. Not even ashes. And it was clear to me that if it goes the wrong way, if I try it and fail, I will only dream of burns.

I will really die.

“Princess,” he whispered into my mouth, “damn! Are you truly kissing me?”

I laughed, trying to repay him his tender touches. But I couldn’t not to smile. Because my demon sounded moved. He tucked a strand of my hair that had fallen to my forehead, behind my ear. And I realized he wanted to look at me properly when he said quietly: “I need to confess myself.”

I raised my eyebrows at him from above and my heart started to pound a little bit faster. Because his eyes were overshadowed by a pretty guilty expression.

“I lied to you today,” he began.

“Then confess,” I tried to smile, though I was scared. The arms around me tightened their grip, as if he was afraid too. That I would run away from him again.

“It felt something very strange back then at that parking lot. I’ve never felt anything like that before so I couldn’t define it. It was as if someone crushed my chest. And when I saw the tears you had in your eyes, I felt as if someone ripped out my heart and trampled it right in front of me.”

I didn’t like the pain that shone from him. I didn’t like the memory.

“I think I’ve already had a broken heart.”

I laid back into his arms, placing my suddenly heavy head on his shoulder. I wanted so badly not to think about that day.

“Are you mad at me?”

“No,” I told him immediately.

Why should I?

Because he lied to me?

I had no right to do that.

“I lied to you once as well, Eric,” I didn’t hold it.

He ran his hand through my hair, stroking it as I heard him smile softly: “Do you want to confess yourself too?”

Damn.

I don’t.

But conscience can be a bitch sometimes.

“The day before yesterday,” I finally exhaled. “You asked me what could turn my world upside-down.”

I was soothed by his gentle caress and his scent, which I now had only for myself.

“I remember. You said you didn’t know. But you do, right?”

I could feel his chest below me, slowly rising and falling as he breathed calmly. And at that moment it was all I wanted. Just to keep lying in his arms like that.

“The answer was you,” I admitted. “Actually, strictly speaking, I didn’t lie to you so much. Because you asked what could turn my world upside-down. You asked about the future. And the truth is that you turned everything upside-down a long time ago.”

I froze when his tender touches stopped. He moved, letting me realize that he wanted to look at me. He cupped my face with his hand and despite my little reluctance, I obeyed him.

I had no idea what I would see in his eyes when I would look up at him. However, he didn’t give me much opportunity to replace out. Not when he pulled me straight to his lips. He made me pay for my lie properly when he drowned me in his kisses. When he robbed me of my freewill and hope that I could ever be able to survive without him again. But for the piece of paradise, he offered me, I was more than willing to accept my punishment.

However, hell always reminds itself.

I could feel the vibration of his phone beneath me. And I didn’t overhear his painful moan that accompanied the sound. I didn’t need to know what that meant, yet I was sure that the time to say goodbye just came.

He let me out of his arms reluctantly, and I even more reluctantly pulled myself away from him so we both could get up.

“Princess,” he tried to smile, but there was something sad in his voice, “if you can, if you haven’t really forsaken me yet, give me a chance to make it all right. To win you over. I have to go now; I have to go and there´s nothing I can do about it. But when I get back, we’ll talk. We’ll talk until we replace a compromise. Just don’t decline me yet. I don’t know how long Leroy will stay, but until he leaves you don’t know me, and I don’t know you. I need him to convince himself personally that there is no bound between the two of us anymore. I don’t want him to even suspect that I lied to him before. I don’t want him sniffing around, I don’t want him to be near you. I don’t want him to just breathe the same air as you.”

His eyebrows lowered as he spoke, and I knew from his stiffened posture how much he cared about it.

“Okay,” I nodded, though my heart ached. Just because I didn’t know how long I wouldn’t actually see him.

“I’ll come to you, as soon as he leaves, and then I’ll make up for everything,” he sighed heavily. His face dropped into his hands as he got stuck for a moment. “I’m sorry, Lara, but we can’t keep in touch until then. No calls, no text messages, nothing. I’m worried, I can’t let anything happen to you. To Leroy, you must be invisible.”

“I got it,” I nodded once more. I was determined to obey him; I swear I was. Although it cost me a few tears that I needed to suppress. After all, what he was talking about sounded like an abuse.

He wrapped his arms around me once more and then it was his gaze that pierced me, almost bringing me to my knees again. Maybe I saw a resolution there in his eyes. Maybe it was desire, I don’t know. But for him, I was willing to survive somehow.

I was expecting it, I was already preparing for it inwardly. For the words of goodbye, he wanted to say. Instead, he just reached for his hoodie to take it off and laid it on my bed. And I suffered. I suffered badly as my half-naked demon suddenly stood in front of me. It really tormented me. That instead of touching him again, I had to let him go.

He took back the T-shirt he´d lent me few days ago. He put it on, closing his eyes. “It smells like you,” he muttered softly.

The corners of my lips twitched, and I wanted to smile, but his hands didn’t let me. They kept me from thinking at all as soon as they hugged my cheeks.

“I will miss you unbearably,” he let his forehead lean against mine. He let his breath fondle my neck.

“Good night, Dove,” he kissed my forehead right after. “Damn, every night when I won´t be with you.”

I wanted to protest, I wanted to object strongly. But he silenced my torn thoughts when he pressed his lips to my mouth for the last time.

And that was all I had to be left with.

The memory of his hot embrace, passionate kisses, heartbreaking longing. And the dark blue hoodie on my bed that I adored so much.

“Rest, OK?” he whispered softly. “Because when I return, you won´t get rid of me. As long as I can, as long as you care for it, I will not leave you alone for even one night.”

🙕🙕🙕