Falling Awake (Unbreakable #2)
8.

I packed my school stuff at the speed of lightning. Actually, I threw it all right away into my backpack. Within a second, I swept unnecessary things off my table in an effort to make some order. In my life so far, I hadn’t showered as fast as I did now.

Yes, I was panicking, I was pretty mixed up as time progressed into the night hours. As the time of our next ten minutes approached. I didn’t want to deal with anything else when he would come, I hurried to have everything done before Eric’s visit.

In vain.

I slammed my elbow straight against the door frame, as I jerked, as I jumped, as I startled as soon as I entered my room. As soon as I found him lying on my bed.

Not that I would have minded, not that I wanted to complain. Not at all. Everything would have been alright; I would have been even glad that he came a little earlier again. If only I hadn’t stood in front of him in a wet towel right now.

“Damn! Could you warn me next time that you´re already here?” I blurted out. “I could have been naked!”

I cursed, I really did, those words fell out of my mouth without considering their consequences first. And I really didn’t need to wait long for those consequences. I saw them immediately when the sparks in his eyes woke up. When his eyebrows rose along with the corner of his lips. Voilà, he served me his fucking dazing crooked smile on a silver platter.

“Dove?” He looked disoriented. No! He was simulating that he was disoriented. As if he hadn’t understood my rebuke at all. “Am I supposed to pretend now that I would mind?” He asked in return.

I snorted.

I snorted pretty loudly, but that didn’t stop him from letting his burning gaze drop. He looked at me up und down, he stared at my body shamelessly. And what was far worse, he refused to take his eyes off me.

My earlier idea of ​​getting dressed in my room was out of the question. I just reached under my pillow with the intention of groping my shorts and tank top. It also took me a while. Under his fucking piercing look, it took me a couple of seconds to realize that my tank top had ended up in the laundry basket in the morning.

“Stop staring at me!” I couldn’t stand it any longer.

But my demon didn’t move. I was able to pinpoint the exact spot on my thigh he was observing with his eyes. I poked him with my knee to get his attention, to make him look me in the face.

“Um, what?” He suddenly collected himself. Suddenly, I had to try hard not to burst out laughing and to keep that annoyed expression. “I’m sorry, did you say something?”

Holy crap!

No, there was no chance that now, with him in the room, with a just towel around my body, I would bend over to the last drawer of my commode and pull out a new tank top. I just grabbed the T-shirt, he´d given me two days ago, and preferred to head back to the bathroom. And maybe it was wiser to wear something that didn’t provoke so much. Yet, the feeling didn’t leave me. That there were interesting ten minutes awaiting me.

But this idea faded as I crashed into my overly disconcerted uncle in the hallway.

“Honey,” he said, and only that tone of his voice told me that something was wrong. My heart started to pound automatically, as I got scared that he´d found Eric in my room. But Jim didn’t look angry. “Don’t you know where can I replace bed sheets?”

What?

He looked confused, very confused. Still, it was nothing compared to how confused I was, looking at him. “Jim?” I studied him suspiciously. “Is everything OK?”

“I ..., I ..., accidentally spilled tea into my bed.”

No, it couldn’t be OK.

Something really happened and I was as sure as shooting that this something had a lot to do with the woman who used to change his bedding.

“Jimmie, it’s not a disaster,” I smiled at him and grabbed his hand. “Come, I’ll make you a new tea and then I’ll change your sheets. Deal?”

I was relieved when he finally smiled as well. When he obeyed and just threw himself on his chair in living room, turning on the Simpsons. At that moment, I didn’t care if I kept my demon waiting.

I was right.

I saw the broken photo frame next to his bed. The woman he´d wanted to spend the rest of his life with was smiling from the picture inside it. I kneeled down to clean up the shards, and I couldn’t help but think of how well Jim did after her death. Or how well he hid his feelings. I also had a picture of my four piglets by the bed and I missed them terribly. But I knew I would see them again.

I laid his memory back on the bedside table, and when I made sure that my uncle was busy with chips and the TV, I finally returned to my room with peace in my mind.

The fear that my demon would leave was unnecessary. I found him in exactly the same position he´d been lying in when I´d left him. With the only difference. His eyes were closed.

He was breathing calmly and regularly, and the peace that was reflected in his divine face took my breath away for a moment. Or it was probably for more moments because I just laid down next to him fascinated. I admit, I wanted to enjoy the view.

I knew I should wake him; I knew that. But first, I would have to be determined to fight myself. Or be able to send him away.

I wasn’t.

As I was watching him, I simply couldn’t replace any inner strength to do any of that. Despite all the red lights, flashing in my head, I silenced my conscience with that one excuse. If he the hell could have studied my body, why couldn’t I follow his example?

But it was also very questionable where I wanted to look first.

Whether at his beautiful face, which looked like a temptation itself. Or at his perfect chest, which drove me crazy so many times. Or straight at his mesmerizing abs, which was enticing me to touch it right now. He was lying with one hand along his body, the other one he laid on top of his stomach, causing his T-shirt to roll up. Making me an offer, which would be a sin not to take.

Hell, I was sure, he did it on purpose!

I was enthralled, too stunned to stop the unbearable urge to touch that little tattooed inscription on his skin again. It overwhelmed me so hard that I ignored the signals, warning me that he might wake up. I simply succumbed to it and gently ran my fingers over the tattooed spot.

But the fucking problem was that I suddenly couldn’t break it off.

Because touching Eric’s body was worse than being completely hooked on heroin. And I had no choice just to admit to myself that I was enchanted by his tattoos. So much enchanted that I didn’t care and without hesitation, I wandered with my fingers higher.

“At your own risk, Princess. I think you should know before you proceed.”

I jerked, hearing his deep voice. I immediately pulled my hand back and looked up at him.

“There is a border of my self-control, Dove,” he whispered, watching me from under his narrowed eyelids. “If you cross it, there will be no way back. Keep it in mind.”

I took a deep breath, I urgently needed to calm myself down. Because the way he was staring at me, gave him away. It revealed to me that he hadn’t slept at all. Not a single damn second since I came back to my room and found him like this.

It pissed me off. This little scam of his represented an ample reason for me to repay him. Even with interest rate.

“You have to try. I think you should know this,” I snorted. “You don’t really have a choice.”

He didn’t, he knew it himself. That if he wanted to make things good with me, he had to try hell hard. I deliberately pushed myself to him, returning my fingers back on his chest. I don’t know if it was a moan or a grunt that I got out of him, but I could clearly see as he clenched his fist. Exactly as I always did when I needed to suppress too much tension.

Or temptation.

Maybe it was because I’d never really focused on his tattoos in situations like this as I was overwhelmed by desire. However, only now did I realize that his drawings were different in color. While the Latin inscription had faded a little, the pattern on his chest remained perfectly black.

“They weren´t made at the same day, were they?” I asked.

The following quiet forced me to take my eyes off the captivating lines of his muscles and look back at him. And that fucking hypnotizing gaze of his made me almost shiver.

“Have you ever seen The Silence of the Lambs?”

Um.

What?

“Are you forgetting the four piglets I have at home? They forced me to watch psychopathic horror movies every Saturday after the gig. So yes. I saw the movie. And its sequel as well. Even the part without Anthony Hopkins. At least two hundred thousand times. Why are you asking?”

“Quid pro quo, Dove,” he smiled as a response to the confused expression on my face. He transformed his smile into his perfect, typical Eric’s crooked one, as I kept waiting for an explanation.

“We’ll do it differently today,” he winked at me, and it couldn’t be overlooked. The challenge in his eyes. “Something mine for something yours. Do you agree?”

“You bet!” I nodded without hesitation. He´d already heard a lot about me, including pretty embarrassing stories thanks to my four psychopaths. I had nothing to hide.

Unlike him.

“Yeah,” he said immediately, “they weren’t made on the same day. They even weren’t made at the same tattoo studio. One of them wasn’t made at the studio at all. They weren’t made by the same person either. And although it might seem so, the truth is that the Latin inscription is my youngest tattoo.”

Suddenly, I was lying on my back.

Suddenly, there was Eric’s hand on my shoulder that kept me from protesting. Or moving.

“I believe it’s my turn now,” he said in a honey-velvet voice, “and I want to see your scar.”

It would take me a couple of minutes; I would probably need a while to collect myself. If he gave me the opportunity to do so. But no, the fingers of the hot envoy from hell, reaching under mine – well, his - T-shirt, made me wake up from my disorientation very quickly.

“What?” I blurted out in a slight panic. “Damn, what are you doing? Which scar?”

“The one under your left rib arch,” he replied too calmly in contrast to my pounding heart.

“It’s not a scar, just a stupid birthmark!” I hoped to get him to change his mind. Oh, how naive I was!

“I want to see it,” he said, giving me no choice just to sigh heavily and to try to prepare. For the worst minute of my life so far.

He did it on purpose! I swear he knew very well what he was doing to me. And I was sure he was doing it on purpose. Exactly as I was sure that the sun would rise tomorrow. Because if he wanted to see some fucking birthmark, he would let me roll up the T-shirt and he would look. But no, he just gently pushed my hand away as I was about to do so, and he put his hand on my belly instead.

“I think you should finally learn what it’s like,” he muttered, and with those words I felt his fingers touch my bare skin softly.

Oh! Fuck!

I learned my lesson.

I learned that damn lesson right away!

I understood what he´d meant. He wanted me to experience how he must have felt two minutes ago. How he must have felt every time I´d been touching his body. And now, I was very well aware of what border of self-control he´d talked about, as I found myself just a short distance from crossing it.

And I was sure as shooting that he was even enjoying my torture.

I wondered why he´d clenched his fist before, and here we go, I suddenly needed to do exactly the same thing. Just to compensate for the shiver, the chills, the goosebumps, the whole heat that started to crawl into every part of my body.

Despite his narrowed eyes I saw a fire, burning wildly in them. Heck, I saw the desire which was accompanying every his caress.

Aha.

Didn’t he say the birthmark under my left rib arch?

Then what the hell was he doing at my shorts?

I felt his fingerprints going astray under its upper hem, arousing a lust somewhere inside me that I´d never felt in my life so far. I was about to beg him to halt when he slowly, when he very slowly started to head up. His fingers circled my navel just to wander higher, revealing a little more of my stomach. He was playing with my skin, he was playing with me, making me feel things I couldn’t even describe.

Please stop, Lestrad, stop torturing me!

“Have you had it since birth?” He interrupted my silent pleadings.

“I have it since I remember,” I answered him, relieved that this would end soon. “I´ve never asked my mom, it’s just a dumb birthmark. I don’t quite understand why it caught your attention.”

“It´s a little atypical, Dove,” he shrugged. “I just wanted to see it.”

Oh, sure. Of course.

And it has nothing to do with my undressing.

“Your question?” He landed on his back next to me. I exhaled the last air out of my lungs as he pulled the T-shirt back down and cover my belly.

My question.

Interesting how many things I wanted to know about him and suddenly nothing occurred to me. Well yeah, there was the one most basic thing I wanted to know the most about him. What was so special about him, why he was deviating from normal. But… There was also the thing called trust that was even more important to me. And right now, as I was looking at him, I realized that these ten minutes every night weren’t just about him, persuading me that I can trust him again. It was also about me, showing him that he can trust me either. I wanted him to tell me because he wants too. Because he trusts me enough to do that. And not because I asked. Not because I insisted. Not because we both agreed to play a weird game.

“How did you know Will?” I asked, turning to him. Something easy at the beginning.

“I don’t really remember, Dove. I was a child,” he gave me a vague answer, but I felt sincerity from him. “I remember he was still around. I liked him because he talked to me a lot, he took care about me. And no, we’re not related, if you also want to know that.”

I smiled at him when he looked at me. I smiled until he opened his mouth.

“Did you love Jace?”

Huh?

What?

Wait…

What the hell?

“Um, I ...”

Damn, he disconcerted me!

“No,” I said quietly, unable to look at him anymore. “Or maybe in some way... I don’t know. I don’t know how to describe that. I was in love with him, I was. I saw rainbows and unicorns every time he was with me. I considered him a perfect guy. I liked him, I cared about him, I was feeling awesome with him. Until the night he screwed up and made me completely change my mind about him.”

I never noticed how interesting my curtains actually were. In the light of my bedside lamp, the burgundy color seemed to dominate them. And I guess it was a little unbelievable that my uncle had chosen them with his taste.

I stared at them as the intense gaze of the boy next to me became unbearable. As if he was trying to understand what I´d said, what I´d meant.

“I liked him more than you like ordinary friends,” I mustered the courage and returned his glowing look. “But when I think about it now… No, I didn’t really love him.”

The corners of his lips slowly rose into a smile. I understood that my answer satisfied his curiosity. Well, I hoped it did as I didn’t want to discuss this matter further.

It was my turn again to ask something. His parents occurred to me once more. However, after yesterday, this was also one of the topics I would like him to talk about because he wants to.

“What’s your fondest childhood memory?” I tried to sketch it out, hoping he would start talking by himself.

“I have a lot of them.” The smile didn’t fade from his face, yet I saw something bitter as well. “It’s hard to pick just one. I remember my first Christmas with Will. I remember that big tree and a lot of presents. It was snowing outside when he brought me to them, and I was enchanted. Because they all were mine. I remember how much I enjoyed it.”

I felt something very warm filling the space around my heart. That’s exactly how I´d imagined it. I longed to know more about him, I wanted to get to know him so badly. And it truly seemed that he was starting to break down his impregnable walls.

“And then I realized,” he whispered, as if speaking only to himself. My emotion disappeared in an instant, I froze as he put his hand under his head, letting his sight fall somewhere away. “That mom won’t be there with us, that she won’t come. That I’ll never see her again. After that I didn’t want anything anymore.”

I stopped breathing. All of a sudden, it was oxygen that evaporated from the atmosphere around us. I was touched by his memory, but here came the moment, the second I changed my mind. When I was forced to look at it from a completely different angle. I wanted to get to know him, I really longed to get to know him, but not if it should cause him pain. Exactly the one I saw right now growing in his beautiful face.

I automatically opened my mouth, I wanted to apologize to him. I wanted to tell him that I was sorry. But he didn’t let me, as he said those words himself.

“I’m sorry, Dove,” he shook his head, “it was perhaps the fondest and the worst memory at the same time. I guess I didn’t give you the answer you wanted.”

“No, I am sorry.” I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had no idea whether it was involuntarily or intentionally, I just couldn’t suppress the need to squeeze his hand firmly. At least I could do that after I made him recall the loss of his mom. “I didn’t want to remind you sad events, I swear I didn’t. Even though I like that you’re honest with me.”

Finally! Dammit, I was so relieved when he looked back at me. When he pierced me with his big, beautiful eyes again. So many secrets that were hidden in their depths, yet I was sure. No further questions related to this topic. Not today. Not when I almost started to cry.

Well…

Almost.

If it wasn’t my demon, lying next to me.

“Was Jace your first boyfriend?”

Fuck, what?

I exhaled, forced to reconsider my hasty decision to play this– something mine for something his - game. I thought there weren’t any other embarrassing things more he could learn about me. But hell! He still knew how to throw me off balance in a big style.

“Yes and no,” I wanted to be fair and tell him the truth. Exactly as I had the impression that he was telling the truth to me. “It depends on what you’re asking. He wasn’t the first guy I dated, but he was the first guy to whom I allowed to touch me.”

Curtains, those damn curtains, it was the second time this evening I stared at them, trying to replace my salvation. Trying to hide from my demon. Because he remained silent again, he said nothing and… Fuck! Jace wasn’t on the list of topics I wanted to talk to him about now.

Or with anyone else.

At any other time.

He stayed quiet, I understood that it was my turn again to ask him. But this time… Oh, this time I refused to hold back anymore.

“Why did you hate me so much at first?” I asked again, hoping to disconcert him the way he´d disconcerted me with the Jace thing. “And now I want the whole truth. Not just the one that suits you.”

The quiet damn sexy laugh immediately made me focus my attention exclusively on him.

“Smart girl,” he muttered as the flames in his irises ignited. But then he became serious. Enough serious to start to worry that I might not want to know.

“Because I fell you, Lara.”

The same curtains, the same lamp, the same room, I didn’t perceive them anymore. My demon, who was lying in front of me, there was really nothing in between us now. All his secrets, his personality, his charisma engulfed me. And he… out of the blue, I had the impression as he was offering himself to be revealed. I saw the flames darken in his eyes when he turned to face me. As if he needed to look into my soul right now.

And I, it took a while for his words to crawl into my brain. A hell of a long while before my hemispheres understood them. Before I fully realized what he´d just told me. What he´d just confessed to.

“I remember that moment, as if it happened a few seconds ago,” he whispered. “The moment I first saw you.”

Willy-nilly, I turned to him too. Maybe I was afraid that I would miss something of that he was about to tell me. And I desperately needed to know all of it.

“There’s something inside you, Dove. Don’t ask what because I don’t know it. All I know is that I didn’t replace myself in that hallway by an accident back then. Something was simply pulling me there; I went in your direction against my will. And then I saw you.”

He closed his eyes, probably recalling our first meeting. And suddenly, I was overwhelmed by the mesmerizing smile that appeared on his face. My demon was smiling. A huge contrast to the way he´d been looking at me at the moment he was talking about now.

“You were standing there, in the middle of the hallway. So disoriented but incredibly cute,” he fixed his eyes on me again. Hell, that tenderness, reflected in his face, completely blocked my ability to think logically. “And so damn beautiful! I fell for you, Lara. I fell for you hard in an instant, and there was nothing I could have done about it.”

No.

Not even that one minute of silence when he paused, didn’t help me much to clear my head.

“It wasn’t about hating you. I hated the helplessness you made me feel. Absolute defenselessness. I wasn’t able to control myself.”

I wasn’t able to do it either. When he raised his hand to gently caress my face, I wasn’t ale to control myself. I didn’t suppress the shiver.

“I thought it would get better over time. That you would stop influencing me that much. I hoped that if I treated you arrogantly, you would hate me. That you would avoid me. And it would help me to keep myself away from you. Damn, I was pretty naive, “he sighed with divine crooked smile on his lips. “I just made it worse.”

What the…

Wait!

Time-out!

My thoughts tangled in a huge mess; I didn’t command my body anymore. I involuntarily landed on my back just to stare at the white ceiling of my room. It seemed as empty as the emptiness, growing in my head. And I wanted so desperately to understand it. To understand him.

“I’m pretty confused now, you know,” I admitted. “I thought you´d hated me for the way I´d looked or the way I´d behaved. I don’t know, maybe a bad first impression. And you’re telling me now, that there was nothing wrong with me? That I made you feel something you wasn’t able to control, and that’s why you hated yourself?”

He nodded. He said nothing, yet he gave me my answer.

“Eric, why did you feel helpless? What did I do?” I rose, I leaned on my elbows. Now I had to watch him. His whole reaction. There was nothing more important than understanding who my demon saw in me.

But he took a deep breath. “I don’t know, Dove. I wish I could explain it to you, believe me. Just so I can understand it myself, but I don’t know it. There’s something in you and I can’t say what it is.”

I knew, I was sure he was telling the truth. I could tell it by the frustration I heard from his voice.

“However, despite all my efforts, I wasn’t able to stay away from you. I managed to avoid you, I managed not to talk to you, but I couldn’t have stopped the urge to keep an eye on you. Even back then, I felt a crazy need to protect you, “he explained. And even though I didn’t miss a single word that came out of his mouth, they still didn’t make sense to me. “I almost ripped off Gave’s head when he touched you for the first time. And only because you were standing there, saved him the second time he laid his hands on you. Macy was more reasonable.”

I was thrown for a loop, I was. But my demon looked confused too.

“Then why did you change your mind? Why did you suddenly start behaving differently?” I had to ask, I had to know everything.

And he laughed softly, as if telling a joke that only he understood. “I didn’t change my mind, Dove.”

What?

“Do you remember what I told you? From the moment I first saw you, I knew you deserved something, someone much better than I am. From the moment I first saw you, I knew you were my Princess.”

His lips, heck, his lips, and the gorgeous smile he´d just conjured. And I got lost. In space, in time. In myself.

“I didn’t change my mind. I just stopped fighting with myself. I stopped convincing myself that I should stay away from you. You completely enchanted me. I could have tried to ignore you, you always got under my skin somehow. I simply gave up, I no longer pretended that I was able to control myself. I wasn’t. Period.”

They were there, lots and lots of questions, that occurred to me. A huge amount of thoughts that were flooding through my brain. Still, I couldn’t say anything out loud. After all, he just tore down everything I´d believed for almost six months.

“Do you regret it?”

Um?

Regr…?

What?

He broke the silence between us, he didn’t give me a chance to collect myself and clean up the mess in my head. Instead, he made me come from my confused feelings back to reality, to him.

“What?” I simply asked, as I didn’t quite understand what he´d meant by that.

“My next question, it’s my turn,” he winked at me, and that would be fine. If there wasn’t that crooked smile that beautified his face again. I suspected that I should rather take a deep breath, that it would come. Something I would need oxygen for. And yes, I wasn’t wrong.

“Do you regret dating Jace?”

Fuck!

Wha…

I…

I just…!

“Dammit, Eric!” I frowned as I actually wasn’t sure whether I should laugh or cry. “What´s up with you asking about him constantly? Why are you so interested in him?”

“Is that your next question, Princess?”

The pretty hot half-smile didn’t disappear from his face. It itself clearly warned me that I should think very carefully about my answer. But fuck, yes, I wanted to know. Why he kept asking questions about him.

“Yes,” I growled.

“Alright,” he nodded. “But you owe me an answer first.”

I rolled my eyes.

And he laughed.

“I don’t know, yes and no.” Despite my annoyance I gave him an honest answer. “I cared about him. He had a special place in my life. We shared nice moments together.”

Holy crap, how does he do it that his gaze could be so unbearable?!

“If he had said back then,” I added, praying this would be over as quickly as possible, “that he wanted to sleep with Amy, I would have wished him a good time. I didn’t really love him; it wouldn’t have broken my heart. We would have broken up for good. I would have kept my fond memories; he would have kept his. But this way he just showed me that he hadn´t respected me as much as I´d thought. And if I had known it, I wouldn’t have wasted time with him.”

I didn’t even have to look at my demon, nor can I say that I could do it at that moment. Yet, it was clear to me that he was trying to understand everything I´d said to him. But I really didn’t want to keep recalling Jace or the way he made me feel when he cheated on me.

“Because I’m curious,” Eric said quietly. “Because I want to know who he was to you. What he meant to you. How close you two were. Whether he was important to you.”

I winked, I winked one more time, but then it dawned on me. That he just answered my previous question, why he was so interested in Jace.

“What about the other boys? You said Jace wasn’t the first guy you dated.”

Nope, I didn’t even have time to curse at least inwardly, and he already disconcerted me with another of his questions.

Well…

No. There was no point in getting upset.

“I´ve dated no one who would have turn my world upside-down,” I smiled at him sweetly, giving him a reply according to his example. Fast, short, with a point, but actually saying nothing.

And finally, it was my turn again.

“I want to know what was running through your head at Scotch’s. Why were you so nice to me at first? And why did you act like...,” I got stuck as I was about to say an asshole. Even though it was true, after what he´d told me about his father yesterday, I preferred to avoid this word. “An arrogant jerk then?”

And my demon next to me took a deep breath and, to my surprise, he rubbed his face with his palms. As if he suddenly didn’t know what to do. As if I threw him off balance. Exceedingly rare to see. Also very fascinating.

“I’m just thinking, Dove,” he laughed. Too unsure not to notice. “How much it could affect your mood when I tell the truth.”

Excuse me?

“Spill it out,” I urged. There was no chance he would get out of this anyhow. No chance! “I’m listening.”

“I was the one,” he began very slowly, “who... um, forced... Scotch to call you there.”

I was the one who forced Scotch…

I was the one…

To call you there…

“What?” I exhaled the last molecule of the damn vital substance out of my lungs as his words kept circling in my head. After what he´d told me a while ago, I would expect everything. But this kind of news not even in my wildest dreams.

And my demon was suddenly more interested in the blanket we were lying on. He was trying to remove the lumps under his fingers, and I wasn’t sure whether he just didn’t want to talk about it, or whether he was really afraid of my reaction.

“He organized the farewell party at the request of his parents,” he finally sighed and gave up. “To entertain the kids of their rich friends. He thought a lot about inviting you, but he knew you wouldn’t feel good there and he didn’t want to push you into anything. I was the one who made him text you. He agreed to that after I promised to keep an eye on Macy and Gave. I promised him they wouldn’t bother you.”

Holy mackerel!

Huh?

“Why ...?” I shook my head, unable to understand what he was telling me now. Unable to believe that he was saying something like that to me. And my demon looked at me.

“Because I wasn’t able to suppress the urge to talk to you anymore,” he admitted quietly. I almost jerked at the sincerity that grew in the deep brown of his irises. “I longed to talk to you, Lara, but not in that – hi, how are you – lame way. I wanted to know more about you, I desired to know everything.”

And I remembered. It took me a second to remember his questions. He asked me no formalities that night. He was pulling secret out of me, I felt as if he needed to read me necessarily.

“You didn’t come to the kitchen accidentally back then, did you?” I put two and two together.

“No. I knew you were there, and I knew that Scotch would leave at my request.”

He fixed his eyes on me, he was studying my reaction. However, I didn’t know how to response. Or what to say. Because it seemed that everything I´d believed in all the time, wasn’t true in the end.

“I was hoping,” he continued, probably relieved that I wasn’t upset. That I wouldn’t yell at him. “Damn, I was praying to satisfy my curiosity. I thought if I talked to you, I would get myself back under control. But you misled me very quickly.”

He laughed briefly at my surprised expression. It was no longer the colored stripes of the blanket that kept his attention. My demon was staring exclusively at me. At every detail of my face.

“I meant everything I said to you back then outside at Bill’s when you first asked me about these things. I was dead serious, Dove. The more I talked to you, the more I didn’t want to stop being around you. You really surprised me in many…, damn, in almost all things. You were utterly different from most of the girls who were sitting in Scotch’s living room in the meantime. And when I think of those big, frightened eyes of yours, that fucking tiny tank top, you were wearing… Well, yes, I confess. I was completely enchanted. So much enchanted that I was actually relieved when Joel called, and you sent me away. I would have had to leave myself if you hadn’t done it. Before I would completely lose control and do something that would screw everything up.”

“What?” My eyebrows shot up to the heavenly heights as I tried to remember that evening and figure out what he´d meant by that. “Like what?”

“Before I would really kiss you.”

No more the blanket, no more the bedside lamp, no more the colored curtains, it was all gone, my whole room had ceased to exist. And there was just he, the boy who owned the only key to my heart. I gave it to him of my own free will. And he must have lost it, hidden it, he must have buried it somewhere, I don’t know. I simply understood that I would never be able to give that key to somebody else. That it would belong to him forever.

At that one moment he looked at me.

No more my face, he was only focusing on my eyes. I swear he must have seen through me. And I recognized confusion that was hiding deep in his gaze.

“Believe me, I was so close, so fucking close to do so,” he whispered. He whispered as if it was the most fragile thing he could say with his mouth. “You dazed me so much that I lost control, and I touched your lips for a second… I needed to touch you. I don’t know, I can´t even explain it. There was simply nothing I would have been able to control back then.”

He closed his eyes, he stopped hypnotizing me, as he probably recalled the same moment as I did. That one touch we shared. That one touch that shattered the foundation of my world.

“It was my doom, my punishment, now I know that. I can’t compare it to anything else. The only moment I could have touched your lips and suddenly, everything seemed different. I’ve never experienced anything like that before.”

I swear, I saw vulnerability in his expression, I heard it from his voice as well. He rose, leaning on his elbow too, perhaps to get closer to me. My heart, I had no idea whether it was beating so fast or just simply stopped. When he leaned toward me.

“Damn it, Lara, I had to try hard to keep myself from pressing my mouth against your lips again. It wouldn’t have been the best idea, not when you said right away that you hated strangers to touch you, would it?”

No!

Or it would.

Fuck, girl! Choose!

It wouldn’t. Not, when he behaved like a total jackass a while later. I would have regretted it. And then, things between us might have turned out completely differently.

“What happened then?” I rather asked further. It seemed more sensible than analyzing the torn thoughts in my head of what might have and didn’t happen.

“Then you almost caused me a heart attack when you decided to drive drunk across two states,” he said with a crooked smile on his face. Still, I had the impression as if I heard a little rebuke in his voice.

“Why did you stop me?” I was embarrassed, I was still pretty embarrassed. But I wanted to know. I truly wanted to know what he´d been thinking about back then.

“My crazy need to protect you didn’t apply only to the people around you. It included you as well, Princess. I couldn’t have allowed you to do something that wouldn’t have happy ending in any scenario.” The tenderness mixed with concern that appeared on his face made my already bad conscience worse.

“And then?” I didn’t suppress another question; it flew out of my mouth. Mainly because I wasn’t in a mood to analyze or even recall my neurotic break down. “Why did you... Why...?”

I wasn’t able to finish it. If I didn’t like remembering my common sense´s collapse, then I literally hated remembering ​​my demon, pinched against another woman. However, I didn’t need to finish. He understood what I´d meant, I knew it when his sight dropped.

“Because I had a beautiful girl in front of me who was more than willing to do anything, I would want her to do. And instead of taking advantage of it, all I thougt about was that she wasn’t you. I saw her lust; I could have felt her breath on my lips and her hot skin on my body. Still, I wasn’t interested in her at all. She was beautiful, but she was nowhere near your perfection. I would have given anything to have you in my arms and instead, you were standing at the door, looking at me with disgust on your face.”

I wouldn’t argue when someone told me I listened to his confession with my mouth open. Because there was nothing I could hold back from my reaction.

“I snaped, Dove, I’m sorry,” he whispered quietly, explaining. “Suddenly, I was terribly annoyed that you were affecting me so much. I didn’t want it; I didn’t want any of it. I just wanted to have my self-control back. I was angry. At you that you confused me so much. At myself that I let you. At that moment, I just wanted you to hate me because I believed it could free me from you. That’s why I said it. But I regretted every single word as soon as I realized how much I´d disappointed you right after that.”

I squeezed his hand gently, hearing the regret in his voice. “You made up for it a thousand times,” I tried to get him to look at it from another angle. And I probably succeeded as a smile beautified his lips and I was happy for that. I really was. Although I already knew that I would need time to collect myself. To think about everything, he´d told me.

“What could turn your world upside-down?” He whispered.

What?

I looked at him confused, just to see the interest in his gaze.

Oh. Yeah.

We’re still playing his game.

“I don’t know,” I replied. I said it, I spoke out, I let those remorse completely drown my heart. Because it was the first time, I lied to him.

Because looking into his deep brown eyes, which drove me crazy so many times, looking at the tenderness that was still reflecting in them, I could have been confused, it didn’t matter. I was very well aware that the answer to his question was right in front of me.

I couldn’t have given it to him.

He disconcerted me with everything he´d told me. With everything he´d revealed to me. I knew I would need a moment to let it go through my head at least once more. Even though I doubted that it would change anything, I felt for him.

Because I did feel it.

Once he got under my skin, he didn’t leave me, and I couldn’t get rid of him. Even though I thought I´d managed to bury him somewhere in the deepest corner of my heart during Christmas, it wasn’t true. He stayed there, he´d always been there, and it was only a matter of time before it all came back to me.

Yes, he just admitted to me that I´d meant to him a lot more than I´d ever thought. But there was still something left that kept me from fully trusting him again.

I lacked answers to fundamental questions, and I was suddenly afraid to ask.

“Are you mad at me?” I jerked as he brought me back to reality. I jerked as I heard the desperate tone of his voice.

Unable to speak, I just shook my head no. Unable to overlook the sadness in his expression, I suddenly felt an overwhelming desire to hug him. To simply take him into my arms. So damn colossal desire that it made me clench my hands into fists.

I was looking at him, I was studying every single detail of his mesmerizing face. I didn’t back down as he was repaying me my gaze. I even tried to smile at him in an attempt to hide the emotions that were about to overwhelm me. But my demon knew better. He knew me.

“Do it,” he said.

The lump in my throat, the sudden dryness in my mouth, I just… I wasn’t able to say anything. His words, his heartbreaking plea were responsible for that.

“The thing you’re thinking about,” he told me exactly the same words as the evening we both were reminiscing about. “Do it. Please, don’t suppress it, Dove. Please.”

I felt his hand on my fist. I felt his fingers trying to open it. I exhaled heavily and closed my eyes. And then I obeyed him.

More than carefully, I moved closer to him. I slowly put my arm around his chest and laid my head on his shoulder. Eric’s exhalation was much heavier.

Three seconds.

It took three seconds for his body to replace mine. I wanted to take him into my arms and all of a sudden, I found myself hidden in his embrace instead. He pulled me against him firmly and I lost myself in his scent.

Yes.

I completely lost myself in Eric Lestrad.

I was sure that those ten minutes ended like two hours ago. I wouldn’t have argued if someone had told me a year had passed. I had no idea what time it was or how long we had been lying together like this. All I knew was that I missed this so damn much.

“Dove, no,” he muttered in my ear as I tried to move, “I’m asleep.”

Yeah, sure, of course.

I didn’t suppress the laughter when he stopped me from getting up. He was doing quite well for being asleep.

“C´mon, Eric,” I laughed again as he pinched me against his chest for the third time. “You know your ten minutes are long over. Don’t try my patience.”

The disgruntled moan of my demon made me laugh even more. It was also interesting, remarkably interesting, that out of the blue, he was willing to obey. He released me at my request, and I immediately sat down, turning my back on him. Just so I wouldn’t succumb to the urge to get back into his arms again. I knew I had a hard night ahead of me, that I wouldn’t stop thinking. I was a little eager to be alone, to have the space and opportunity to organize my thoughts without his dazing influence.

“For what I am,” he said behind me. “I don’t deserve you for what I am.”

A moment, I needed a little moment to realize that he actually answered my yesterday´s question. I looked at him as soon as he sat down. As soon as he appeared next to me.

“And what are you, Eric?” I asked quietly.

But he remained silent.

“Because when I look at you, I see someone with a beautiful soul. Stop thinking you’re bad because you’re not! You loved your mom, John, Adeleine and Jamie, you love Tamara and Will too. And I’m sure that’s not all. If someone is capable of love, they can’t be bad. I don’t believe it.”

My demon’s eyebrows slowly rose, the calm expression I´d already admired on his face today, was back in an instant. For a brief instant before he imprisoned me again in his overly studying gaze.

“Lara?” He whispered quietly, he said my name softly.

My breath stuttered as he raised his hand to run his fingers gently over my face.

“Could you love me?”

Too much heat left his touch on my skin, I swear, I couldn’t bare it. Still, it was nothing compared to how his question made me feel. And my heart went mad as I wasn’t sure if I´d heard right.

“As you loved Jace?”

What?

Fuck!

What?

“No,” I sighed, unable to take my eyes off those his. Unable to believe that something like that had occurred to him at all. “You, Eric… I could love you for real.”

It changed. The look in his eyes changed completely as they took on a completely different shade of brown. I didn’t know what it was, I couldn’t recognize it. I just knew that the air around me was too heavy to breathe. As soon as I saw him leaning towards me.

There was nothing more my heart longed for. But I trusted him unconditionally once and he hurt me. The second time, I refused to make the same mistake.

“Tell me the whole truth,” I whispered, “and then you will have me.”

He took a deep breath, he let his sight drop to my lips. But I knew better, I could tell from the depression, growing in his face.

“Did I screw up so much, Princess?” He asked. “Isn’t there any chance you can trust me again and give me the opportunity to keep this one thing to myself?”

I closed my eyes, I had to close my eyes as I couldn’t look at him anymore. He wasn’t ready to tell me yet, and that was exactly the reason why I needed to keep my distance from him.

But it was questionable if he would ever be ready.

“You don’t know what you’re asking of me,” I heard him say. He broke the silence, filling the space between us, and now, I wished so much that he simply would remain silent. “This isn’t just about me. This is all about you, and I will do anything to protect you. Whatever it takes, Lara. Even if it means losing you.”

No, girl, he won’t ever be ready.

“Go away, please,” I said, suppressing the tears I felt were coming. I rather got up immediately. “I need to be alone. At least for a while,” I told him the sincerest thing I could have admitted him.

He stood up too, he made me face him again. I dared to look him in the eye just to replace pain that almost torn me apart. “Will I see you tomorrow?”

The only question, a few words he whispered, yet I knew he didn’t mean a chance meeting at the school corridors. My demon asked about his ten minutes.

“I don’t know.”

I exhaled heavily as he hugged my face with his palm. To withstand his presence was torment, a never-ending nightmare. But enduring this, the only look at the despondency in his gaze, that was a real hell. But I was hurt too.

“Good night, Dove,” he said just before he kissed my forehead gently. “I care for you so damn much.”

I wanted to, I desperately wanted to tell him that I cared for him too. I even opened my mouth to do so. But instead of making a sound, I just watched helplessly as my demon disappeared in the window.

🙕🙕🙕

🙕🙕