Forever in the Past and Forever in the Future
Chapter 48

"What? No, Kas. That's not possible. You know that's not possible. Saint would never harm a hair on your head. He loves you. I love you," I say desperately, taking a step forward, praying she doesn't take a step back. My heart clenches at the thought that she could ever be scared I would hurt her. What am I talking about? I just slapped her in the hallway in front of all those people. She just had a vision that my wolf killed her. How could she not be scared of me?

A knock on the door interrupts my thoughts. I replace James and Delilah standing there. "Please, come in," I gesture with my arm. "Thank you, Alpha Bronx," Delilah says with a bow and walks past me.

"If it's alright, Alpha, I'm going to stay in the hall with Tyree. Make sure things are...under control," James gives me a knowing look. I trust him to convince Tyree to keep quiet about this incident.

"Thanks, James," I look at Tyree, who still looks very uncomfortable with what he just witnessed. Even with the sensitivity and speciesism awareness classes we had implemented, I'm sure nothing could prepare him for a purple glowing werewolf, that happened to be his Luna. I look back inside and see Lenora and Delilah trying to console Kas who is now crying and shaking her head. I want to run to her and console her, but I can feel her pain and fear. I know it will just upset her more, "Actually, I think I need to step out for a bit while the ladies work this out too."

I quietly step out, closing the door behind me. I walk down the stairs, ignoring everyone who says hello, out of the packhouse into the frozen gardens. The early December wind whips through my wool sweater, chilling meto my bone, but I ignore it. I don't care. I pull the pack of cigarettes from my pocket. One left. I light it and take a long comforting drag before I walk further. My boots leave dark prints, like scars on the frosted ground. "Bronx!" I hear Lenora scold through a mind link, "Come back, you ne-" +

I selfishly cut the link before she has a chance to finish and block my mind so no one else can disturb me. I can't face Kas or anyone else right now. Not after what I did. I walk past the gardens, past the sprawling hills, and into the forest of the pack territory. If the only thing that is ever left of me is footprints on the frozen ground, that is more than I deserve.

What is this unfamiliar emotion? It's more than remorse. More than sorrow. I walk further and further into the woods, no direction or destination in mind. Justa sense of needing to sort myself out before I face my beautiful mate. My beautiful mate, that I hurt. My head is hollow and overwhelmingly full at the same time. Guilt is wracking my body. Every step I take further into the woods destroys me more but I keep walking. I deserve the pain.

The sun is setting. I don't care how tough think I am, the sweater I'm wearing won't be enough to keep me warm once the sun is completely set. I replace a lockbox of spare clothes used for when pack members shift next to the Blood River. I pull out a winter jacket and a spare pack of cigarettes. I light one and replace a frozen rock to sit on. I sit and stare at the river, letting the smoke from the cigarette curl in front of my face. The blood red water is slushy with ice coming from the mountain, making it more of a shade of pink. Vignettes of moments with Kas flash in my mind. The first time I saw her, not understanding the rush of the mate bond was feeling. That first car ride home, holding her in my arms feeling so helpless. Hearing her sweet little giggle for the first time. The look of joy she gets when she cooks for me. The excitement the first time we went to the dining room and I had to hide our glowing hands. The way she initiated our first kiss even though I was caked in mud. Thinking about it now makes butterflies form in my stomach. I take another long drag of the cigarette to calm them down. The pain I felt seeing her disappear into thin air to study with the coven. The pride I felt watching her shift for the first time. Seeing the stunningly beautiful Elexis for the first time. All these thoughts swirl around with my emotions, making me feel more and more sad and confused.

How can help her? She is so much more than I am. She's a goddess. Daughter of the Moon Goddess. I'm just a werewolf. A soldier who got lucky enough to be an Alpha. I'm fooling myself to think I'm the right thing for her. I'm not worthy of her. I place my hands on either side of my head and sigh deeply. As I put my elbows on my knees, I look down and realize I have smoked more than half a pack of cigarettes while I've been sitting here. The moon and stars are the only light now. I look up at the moon. It is full and almost at its peak, glued down to the deep blue purple of the night sky. The stars are splattered like bits of paint around it. Almost as beautiful as Kas, I think to myself. Almost. 2 I take a deep breath. I have had low moments in my life before, but this is the lowest. I don't see a way out of this bottomless pit I have thrown myself into. "Moon Goddess, please help me. I need your guidance. I want nothing but the best for your daughter. I'm not sure if I am what is best for her. Not in this life anyway," I gulp hard, fighting back tears as I call out into the sky. The wind takes my words away without a second thought. I close my eye, hoping against all odds, the wind has taken my words to hold an audience with the Moon Goddess I wipe away a traitorous tear that escapes and tries to slide down my cheek. I feel the leftover moisture freeze on my skin. When I open my eye again, I feel a peculiar wind swirl around me. It is not bitter cold like the rest of the air. It is reassuring and welcoming. °

The Moon Goddess. Different emotions fill me now. Warm and comforting acceptance, gratitude, encouragement. All those things wrapped into one, swinging me wildly from despair to a sense of purpose. The wind fills my ears, 'replace balance, my warrior child' a voice carried by the wind's endless flow reassures me with a whisper. Kas needs me. Even in the moments I do bonehead things. She is my mate and I need to ask her forgiveness. I can't run from her. I need to run to her. -

"Thank you, Moon Goddess," I say with a smile of relief.

I sit contemplating what I just experienced. When I stand up, ready to face the music for my actions, I stretch my arms to the air and yawn. I have no idea what time itis, but it must be late. The moon looks to be at its highest point. An odd sensation comes over me. A tickle in the back of my mind quickly becomes an itch and builds to a searing pain that drops me to my knees.

"Aarrgghbh!!!" I can't tell if I said it outloud or if it came from my mind. A rush of blood makes me dizzy, causing me to lean forward on all fours. My stomach churns and hot bile comes up hitting the ground with a splat. I look at the vomit as steam rises from the pile.

The pain is relentless. The roaring in my head won't stop. The dizziness spins my vision like a top.

"Milo!" I groan through the mind link. I hope I'm not too far away. I hope the message makes it through the relentless roaring in my head, "Help! I need you!"

No sooner than I finish calling out to my friend, my skin starts to get hot and itchy. My bones crack and pop, my skin stretches and pulls as my form morphs growing bigger and longer. The clothes I'm wearing tear into pieces falling to the ground in little shreds as my body gets larger and changes shape. Paws with white fur take the place of my hands as I shift into a giant, pure white wolf. The roaring in my head turns into a deafening howl as Saint completes the transformation.

He shakes out his fur and looks around at his surroundings. He seems confused. I sense dizziness overtaking him just like it did me, causing him to stumble and fall. He lays on the ground with a huff.

"Saint?" I ask softly, "You okay, buddy?"

He doesn't answer. I can feel him. He is in control of his wolf form. I can't tell if he can't hear me, if he can hear me but can't answer, or if he is just ignoring me. I can't shift back if I can't reach his consciousness. I feel like I'm trapped in a soundproof room inside his body.

He doesn't answer. I can feel him. He is in control of his wolf form. I can't tell if he can't hear me, if he can hear me but can't answer, or if he is just ignoring me. I can't shift back if I can't reach his consciousness. I feel like I'm trapped in a soundproof room inside his body.

I rustling comes from the woods behind us. Saint tries to stand up to defend himself but his legs won't hold him. It feels more like his physical form is too weak, even though my human form is just fine. Ghost and Crusher come barreling out of the woods. Ghost skids to a stop with a little huff of surprise as he sees Saint laying on the river bank.