Hatred With Benefits
F I F T Y - T W O

EVA.

My lips are parted with no words slipping through and the board falls from my hold as I stare at Emerson with wide eyes.

"I don't just think, Eva. I know I am." He dares to repeat his words, in a firmer tone this time and I shake my head. "You don't mean those words."

"Yes, I do," he argues and I take a step back. "You don't, Emerson. You don't love me. You've never loved—"

"It's different now, Carson. It's fucking different!" He snaps, his chest falling and rising rapidly with each thick breath he takes and I turn away from him, tears burning the corner of my eyes but I'm quick to blink them back.

"Eva" his voice echoes behind me but I don't let him finish. "You can't mean those words. You need to stop speaking this way, Ford. You need to stop fucking with my head. "

"I'm just fucking with your head!" He hisses and he's in front of me again. "Don't you fucking get it? I'm falling for you, Eva. I'm—"

"Stop. Just stop. Please. "I plead and there's silence with our heavy breaths the only sound that disrupts the air before Emerson breaks it. "Are you rejecting me, Carson? Because I swear to the heavens, I'll climb through your window and I won't take a damn look back. "He doesn't try to hide the pain in his words.

I don't speak. I don't meet his eyes and he says, "Honestly want it this way. "And when he takes a step away, I raise my head then. I swallow the bitter lump that rises to my throat when he takes another step, knowing I'll regret it if I make him leave. Knowing it'll hurt if Emerson Ford leaves.

"It's scary. "I tell him when he takes the final step that almost leads him out of my room, and Emerson turns back to meet my eyes. I gulp before I continue, "To feel this way for you, it's strange, but more than that- it's scary."

"What way?" He whispers as he twists his entire body in my direction and I brace myself to let out the words that have been running through my mind, dwelling on my thoughts in the absence of Emerson Ford and threatening to consume my every being.

"Eva. Tell me what way and why it's scary?" Emerson reframes his question and I lift my head to him again. "I've hated you; I hated you for years. It's the only way I knew how to feel towards you, then I started to care-"

"You started to care about me?" He interrupts my words, as if not believing them and I hum. "You might think I don't because I rarely show it, but I do so fucking badly, Emerson. To the point where it gets overwhelming but I knew how to tame it. I knew I was safe because the line between my hatred for you and my care for you wasn't so broad. Not until I started to feel something else. Something that goes beyond my control and something that continues to grow no matter what I did-" I pause and take a breath.

"Do you want to?" Emerson asks, gesturing to the bed and I shake my head. "I just need to let it out. Just stand there."

After a nod from him, I continue, "I've known how to hate you, and I've known how to care for you but I don't know how to love you, Emerson. I can feel it growing within me, but I don't know what to do with it, because it's just too much. I'm afraid of giving a little, or giving too much. I'm afraid of pulling away, or getting too close. I'm afraid of holding onto you, or letting you go. I'm afraid of where it starts, and where it's bound to end. I'm afraid of what will happen when you get over this and decide you don't feel the same way anymore. I'm afraid of the pain that's bound to come. I'm afraid of so many things, Emerson because I either give my all or I don't; I don't know how to balance it. I don't know how to get in between and I'm afraid of that. Of so many fucking things and amidst my fear and confusion, lies you. Amidst them lies what I feel for you and what I continue to feel for you.

"

"Eva" his voice is soft as he calls my name and he attempts to take a step forward, but I hold out my hand, halting his steps.

"I've known what's like to love another, and I know the pain that comes with them not being by your side anymore. I've known that, Emerson and I've come to know the greater pain that's bound to come from you, because I'm not just letting myself love you; I'm letting myself be in love with you. I don't want to go through that pain, Ford. I can't. It'll ruin me. Destroy my very being like it's never been before." With a sniff, I swipe my hand underneath my nose before I whisper, "It's already ruining me."

There's silence, then the sound of his footsteps and Emerson is by my side, taking my hands from my face and gripping them in his hold. He drops his other hand to my face, and tips my chin to meet his gaze. "Why do you think I would bring you pain?" He questions, his soft touch doing little to calm me.

"It'll happen, Ford. Where there's love, there'll always be a pain. "I tell him and he nods, "I'm not denying that, but what makes you think you would be in that pain alone, Carson?"

"

"What?" The word falls from my mouth and he gives me a gentle smile, "I'm new to these feelings too, Eva. At first, I thought to ignore them, but I've never been the type to deny what I know I feel, because I know denying them doesn't make them lessen; it worsens them. I'm not saying I won't hurt you, Eva, because you're fucking right about that. I will hurt you. I'll do a lot of shitty things that could hurt you, because just like you, Eva; I don't know the right things to do. I just let myself go with it because I'll rather be hurt with you, than be in pain without you.

I open my mouth to speak, but he presses a finger to my lips, silencing my words. "I'm not asking you to give me your all, Eva. I want you to, but I can't possibly be that greedy right now. For now, I just want to take thoughtful steps. More has led us to these feelings, and these feelings are strange to us, so it's okay to not want to rush into them. It's alright to want to take time before you let yourself be entirely consumed by them. It's alright to be scared, Eva because you aren't alone in this. I'm fucking scared too, but more than that- I don't want to ever step away from this. The fear of being consumed by what I feel for you comes nowhere as close to the fear of losing this. "

"So what are you saying?" I whisper when he lets his hand fall from my lips to brush the lower one and he opens his mouth. "I'm saying we should take our time. Continue as we've always until we replace safeness in each other's feelings. I'm saying that I don't want you to hold back because you're scared. I'm saying I want you to be more honest with me about your feelings like you were in this moment, and I'm saying that you, Eva Carson, remain mine either way." His last words bring me back to our apartment and in his bed; the first time Emerson Ford said those words to me. At that time, I never knew realized how I felt for him, but this time I do. I know the extreme of my feelings for Emerson Ford and I know it's alright to be scared of it.

"You said you don't know how to say the right ones. "I point out and his touch drops to my chin again, "Do I?"

"Those were the right ones. The ones I needed to hear, at least. "I say with a small smile and he releases his grip on me to drop his hands to my waist.

"Keep saying things like that, and we'll be fine." He let out and I drop my gaze to his chest, "I suck at expressing how I feel. "

"You expressed yourself just fine right now." He points out, and I let my head fall to his chest, hiding my face in his embrace as embarrassment swims through me with the remembrance of my moment. "I was emotional." My voice is muffled against his chest, but Emerson catches it and he chuckles as he drops his hands from my waist to the back.

"So I just need to get you emotional often?" He teases and I lift my head, throwing him a glare. "Don't fuck with me, Ford. "

"There she is. The Carson that started it all." He smiles as he leans forward for his lips to brush against mine.

"Does this mean you'll start being a gentleman to me?" I raise a brow and Emerson's lips curves in a smirk. "Does this mean you'll start being nice and stop getting on my nerves?"

"Never. I replace too much pleasure in it. "I throw him a wink and he chuckles as he lifts one of his hands to brush my hair from my face before dropping it there, giving gentle brushes to the skin.

"I don't want that to change about you either; you're perfect this way." His words warm my heart and I push forward to press my lips to his chin before I pull back to say, "Neither do I want you to start being a gentleman."

"You love annoying Ford then?" He lifts a brow and I shake my head, "No, I hate him. But he isn't so bad either. " Emerson cackles and closes his lips over mine before he drops his hands to my ass, and uses it as a measure to hoist me up in his arms.

I make a sound against his lips as I lock my hands around his neck and wrap my legs around his waist while Emerson's hold stays on my ass and my back.

"I still feel hurt for that stretch. "He says as he leans back with a frown on his face and I blink innocently as I press my lips to the space between his lips and his nose before I say, "I was just fucking with you, Ford. I love it; it looks beautiful."

"Unlike the model. " He doesn't hide the mockery in his voice and I glare at him, "Fuck you.

"That's right. I know what you want, baby. No need to beg for it. "My heart races in my chest at the sound of that one word coming from Emerson Ford to me. Baby... He just called me baby, and fuck- if I didn't love the sound of it from his lips.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts when my back is pressed into the softness of my mattress and Emerson hovers over me with his hands on either side of my head. "You know the rules have changed?" He lifts a brow and when I stare at him with confusion clear in my eyes, he proceeds to say, "The arrangement rules.

"Those have been broken for long, Ford. "I tell him, reminding him of how quick we were to break the rules that we were so sure we would keep to.

"I know, but there was one particular rule, Carson. One that claimed your body as mine," he explains, and I nod; remembering the words he forged into a rule that night.

"I'm changing it now-" he pauses and lifts one of his hands to my thigh, his touch burning against the skin as he continues. "Not just your body, Carson. Your heart is mine too. You don't get to share it with another man. You're mine, Eva. You're mine until you want out." He clarifies and my heart jumps in my chest at those words. Those beautiful, perfectly moulded words bring a smile to my face. Want out? I would never want out, because Emerson is right. There's the fear but there's no bigger fear than losing this.

And I open my mouth to speak, "As you are.

One of his gorgeous smiles appears on his face and he stops the movement on my thigh. "I've always been from the minute I realize I couldn't fuck another girl that isn't you, Carson. I've always been yours and I was just waiting for you to realize that. "And I do now. More than that, I've come to know I gave myself to Emerson Ford as his the minute I agreed to those rules. We started this without realizing it. "Good, "I say and lift my hand to his chest. "Because now, I want you to fuck me like you've always been mine."