Hell Of A Marriage
Chapter 19

"I miss that feeling of connection. Knowing he was out there somewhere thinking about me at the same time I was thinking about him." ~Ranata Suzuki

"She said 'I love you." I reply walking away from the window and towards the bed and I sit down next to him.

"Your wife proclaiming her affection towards you shouldn't be something that would make you feel this disturbed." If his ignorance hasn't made me feel bad before, it just did.

I wouldn't say I blame him though, we haven't been in much contact since I got back. In fact, we haven't really been friends for the last four years, not after he accused me of sleeping with his girlfriend behind his back and broke Taylor's heart. Since I came back I

felt hurt by Taylor and I developed resentment towards him, he was the guy that hurt and broke Taylor's heart and he was the one Taylor still chose over me. I kept my distance from them and haven't disclosed much information about himself to Rory well until now. I needed my best friend just as much as he needed me, and I know I have to tell him the truth about everything.

"She's not re-really- I'm not - we are not -" I sigh, "we are not really married we are, but we are not supposed to be."

"I'm not following Keenan, you would have to explain." He tells me calmly.

And so I spend the next thirty minute narrating the unfortunate tale that led to the union that Vary and I now share and the look on his face isn't one that I haven't seen before.

He seems to be trying to mentally picture everything that I've explained to him. "So you mean it was an arranged/business marriage like mine and Paris?" He finally asks.

"No!" I answer in instant, "you and Paris knew what you were doing, we didn't, we were drugged or drunk so we just fooled around, ad a few session of hot make out and then got naked and married." I reply keeping it as clean as I can.

He shrugs indifferently, "Still the same thing."

I rub my face hard and begin to speak in a defeated voice, "I don't know what to do, she wasn't supposed to fall in love with me? We agreed to live together for six months and then go our separate ways and it's barely over a week and here we are!" I throw my hands up in defeat. "Why would she even fall in love with me?"

"It's obvious," his eyes piercing as they look at me, "her heart sees what you refuse to see, your goodness. You probably only see your a*s."

I angrily glare at him although I can't bring myself to get bad at him. "I don't want to hurt her, but I fear that's what I'm going to do because I may never love her in return." I bury my head in my palms.

"Never is a hard word," he reminds me.

"That's how hard it is for me to fall for her Rory." I honestly reply, the thought of moving on already hurts my heart.

Rory's hand touches my shoulder and softly squeezes it making me look up at him. "Are you still... You know..?"

I know his question and as much as I want the answer to be no, it's a yes, I'm still much in love with Taylor and I don't think I'm going to get over her easily. It's hard ignoring the one person that makes your heart beat faster and even though I know we will never work in this life, my heart just keeps hoping.

The heart can only be given to someone when it's yours to give right? My heart hasn't been mine for the past four years, so I can't even give it over to another.

And no matter what I tell myself, I am still not over Taylor Snowfall.

I nod, "Yes, I just can't seem to get over her and even up till now, I still haven't. I'm sorry Rory," I apologise feeling ashamed of my feelings.

He shakes his head, "It's okay and you shouldn't apologize for how you feel, it's not your fault, I loved Ginger for almost a decade and although she hurt me and broke my heart, I still kept hoping, along the line, I began to let her rule me even when she wasn't near and that almost made me lose everything." He gets up, "my choice kept me in a cage and I hurt many people and I don't want that happening to you too Keenan."

I shake my head in discontent, "It's so hard to be me and I don't want Vary paying for my mistake or worse hurting her."

He walks to the window and pulls the curtain away to stare afar off, "I think you already hurt Miss Klean."

"What do you mean?" I ask, my eyes following him closely.

He turns from the window to me, although leaning heavily against it, "Well according to what you just told me, you are Vary's first right? And she loves you."

"Yes, that's all true," I confirm his words with a nod because I had told him all this earlier. "How did I hurt her?" I ask at my own confusion

"Yes, that's all true," I confirm his words with a nod because I had told him all this earlier. "How did I hurt her?" I ask at my own confusion

"By not being beside her when she woke up."

"Sei cosi confuso (You are so confusing)" I lament.

"Sono io? (Am I?) or you are you the confusing. one?" He demand with a serious look.

"How am I the confusing one when it seems you're just joking with me?" My brow rises questionably.

He walks to the bed and resumes his previous seat. "No I'm not man, almost everyone wants to wake up and replace their first beside them, I did with Ginger, and it broke my heart to wake up and not replace her beside me the next day. That's all I'm saying."

I smirk, "Maybe she left because you were gross and performed poorly in bed." I tease, making a weird face at him and he laughs, picking up the pillow on the bed and throwing it at me.

"Maybe." He shrugs, still chuckling "it was my first time, it wasn't supposed to be the best, but like I said, it hurt waking up and not replaceing Ginger beside me and you say you don't want to hurt her, but I think that you already have."

This makes me feel like a horrible person now, Vary doesn't deserve this, I've always known that she deserves someone better than me, and I wasn't dumb to the fact that she disliked the way I was with her a lot, but after last night I may have given her to hate me

even more.

Vary is the last person I want to hurt and like she said, all I've done since I came back was hurt her. "What should I do now?"

"Go talk to her and most importantly, apologize."

Vary's POV

A knock comes softly on my door and I get up from the bed and walk to the door which is easier said than done and I open it and as I do, I see Keenan standing there, wearing a Navy blue hoodies and a black jean trouser, with his head bow and my grip on the doorknob hardens and the beat of my heart increases instantly.

"What do you want?" I mildly ask, although deep down I know how hurt and vulnerable I've become by just being in his presence alone.

He presses his lips into a thin line, "Vary," he begins to say and I shake my head, not willing to hear his voice say my name or give me one of his stupid replies.

At this point, I don't want to even hear his voice.

"Just stay away from me." I push the door to close it up, but he puts out his hand so the door doesn't slam shut. I don't want to see him and I begin to walk towards my bed, still tired and worn. "Vary -" he calls after me.

I cut him off and turn to him, my face is red with anger. "It's Varisha Klean for you! The only people worthy of calling me Vary are my friends or at least people I care about and you're not one of them."

His jaw tightens as his teeth clench, "I'm sorry Vary-sha, I shouldn't have left like I did two days ago at least not after what happened between us."

At his words, memories of that night rush back into my mind. Keenan wanting nothing more than to please and make me feel wanted. I remember his lips on me, his tongue tasting me, his fingers stroking trailing my skin and going into me. I remember him completely claiming me and I wanting nothing but to he owned that way by him.

He made me feel happy, loved and beautiful with his words and touch and it was perfect until I woke up and he was gone with no word or explanation or even the guts to tell me what it was I did wrong.

It hurt so much and I spent the first hour of waking in tears, but what did I expect? He only did what he did because I asked him to, not because I meant anything to him.

I wish the pain in my chest every time I tell myself Keenan isn't mine would leave though, but it never does.

"Why are you apologizing?" I ask, crossing my arms over my chest, trying to literally shield my heart.

"For leaving." He replies, finally having the gut to look into my eyes.

I look away immediately though because I feel myself begin to grow weak. "No need to apologize, you have always been leaving Keenan, remember? Four years ago? Last week? You never were around!"

Hr was always the absent one and he didn't need to apologize, at this point I should get used to it.

He begins to move towards me, "I know I get it." I begin to move back when he begins to get incredibly close to me. "What I don't get is how you can know how I am and act and still fall for me!"

My breath cut in my throat and I turn away from him and walk further into the room, hoping to go as far away from him as possible. How did he replace out? Oh, heavens he wasn't supposed to replace out, it was supposed to be my dirty secret, one I hope to clean up in the near future. "I- I am not in love with you," I answer not bothered to look up at him.

He already knows when I lie.

He takes three solid steps towards me, only stopping when he's standing in front of me. My heartbeat doubles and my hands ball into a forceful fist as I stand close to him. His hand crawls up to my face and tilt up my chin so I am trapped looking into his eyes. "Look into my eyes and tell me that then maybe I'll believe you."

I bite my lips as I fight not to look away from his eyes. "I don't love you, Keenan Hilton, I was overwhelmed by what we shared and I intended to say I love you for that."

"Okay." He nods and smiles softly, before taking a step back. "I decided on my way back and I thanks it's best if you move away."

I think my heart stops beating when he says this and I almost lose my balance on the ground. I can't go back to the way I was cause I already love him, something I did not feel before. "What do you mean by that?"

"It's obvious we can't live in the same house Vary-sha, not the way we are." He begins to explain like I know he will gently. "We are not good together, you're good wherever you are, but I'm bad, very bad."

If the situation were different this could have been the dirties line he ever used on me.

I run my hand through my hair, "But I just told you, I'm not in love with you"

He smiles and walk towards the door, "I heard you the first time, but I don't believe you. Both of us need space and as you might clearly and already know, I want you, and that's just it. I want to have s*x with you and I will continue having s*x with you without giving anything back in return. I know it is selfish, but that's what I want and you deserve better than that."

He pulls the doorknob and opens it when I speak up, "What if I don't want to deserve better?" I ask as I walk closer to him. I know this is a dangerous path I'm treading, but I can't help it, "and what if I want you to be selfish with me?"

I slowly take his hands off the doorknob and places them on my waist. "You deserve better than that Vary-sha and we both know it." He confesses with sincere eyes.

I place my finger on his lips, "Shh. I want you and if we both want each other and can't have each other, what's more, selfish than that?"

"Vary -"

I kiss his protest back into his mouth and I let my tongue caress his, and my hand run a faint line down his chest to the helm of his hoodie and on to his body and run my hand over his chest and he makes a shaky sound before kissing me back hard and roughly on my lips, welcome and sucking my tongue into his mouth more.

I unzip the hoodie and he shrugs it off and tosses it to the ground and we do the same to the rest of our clothes and we fall into bed, both of us fighting to take over control and eventually, Keenan wins and he pins me to the bed.

He does nothing for the first few seconds, his eyes just search mine inquisitively and I can't help asking. "What?"

"We are both going to regret this aren't we?" He asks, a brow rising.

I nod with a grin, "Yes are so going to of, but I rather later than now."

With that, I pull him closer and crash my lips on his and he takes me into a world of endless passion.

As I wake up, I notice Keenan is no longer in bed and neither is there any trace of him in the room and my heart begins to clench in pain. This is what I've fallen to a desperate, horny, not-really-wife person. What happened to the control I had over myself, my body for the past 24 years?

I'm giving my all to someone that might never want to give me his all, how do I deal with that? I know I can't live like this and neither can I live without him and that's a sad truth. I've grown to know and no matter how I convince myself, I can't let him go and that's a problem.

I pull myself up and begin to walk and then I feel the ache on every side of my body down to my legs and I sigh knowing how easy it is to have a reminder of Keenan and wondering if he has a reminder of me too.

I open the door to the bathroom and there Keenan is sitting on the bathtub and I gasp in fear and at the sound, he turns to look at me.