Her Knotty List (MVP: Most Valuable Pack Book 4)
Her Knotty List: Chapter 44

I’m tired.

There, I said it.

I generally try to be upbeat and stay positive, but having four alphas who aren’t even in the same pack is hard.

I’m not sure why, but it feels worse today than it did at first. Perhaps because I thought it would all be settled by now. It felt settled this morning when we were all playing together. But now…

The uncertainty of it starting to wear on me, I think as Micah’s truck rumbles down Knox’s lane. And going “home” to a place that isn’t really my “home” because I don’t have one isn’t going to help much.

I want a nest, dang it. And my blankets. I don’t even have my favorite Christmas pillow with the dancing Santas on it.

Zane chatters on about the dinner he’s going to make, no doubt sensing my stress and trying to cheer me up. It only makes me feel worse, though, and more insecure.

If I can’t get a grip on all these feelings, will the guys even want me anymore?

That one thought is enough to fling me from self-doubt right into despair. Micah tenses at my side, then jerks his truck off the road, throwing it into park.

“Sweet girl,” he croons, turning just in time to catch me bursting into tears.

Gunnar and Zane gape at me, then at each other, before both of them jockey for space to lean over the center console. I’m already being unbuckled and dragged into Micah’s lap when Gunnar’s hand brushes tear tracks off my cheek. “Em,” he rasps, “baby, what’s wrong?”

But I can’t tell them the real reason because it’s crazy. Just absolutely butt-ass bonkers. Like me, apparently.

“Oh, God,” I cry, overwrought. “You guys must be so sick of me!”

There’s a long beat of horrible silence. And then they all bellow, “WHAT?!”

“I’ve ruined all your plans! I literally crashed into all of your lives, and you’ve all dropped everything to stay with me for my heat and—and⁠—”

It’s not enough.

I want them all forever. And this isn’t enough.

Or, rather, I’m not. There’s no way I can possibly hold the attention of men like this for the rest of my life. They’re all so wonderful, and I’m the omega no one’s ever wanted for longer than the span of a heat.

I’ve put off talk of bonding for days, partly to keep myself optimistic and partly because I hoped one of them might bring it up. It makes sense that they haven’t offered, though—bonding with me as a group means being bonded to one another.

Of course none of them would want that, which only leaves individual bonding on the table. The thought alone devastates my Omega. It’s her job to bring these alphas together and make them happier. If they don’t want to form a proper pack bond, she’s failed.

I try frantically to talk her down from the ledge, knowing the last thing this situation needs is a hormonal meltdown. But she has a point—this is hopeless.

And I’m in love with all four of them.

I can’t even offer her platitudes about individual bonds because every time I try to think about it, I feel dizzy. They would all, presumably, want to be there for my heats if we had solo bonds… but where is “there”?

Gunnar has to live in Florida to keep his job, Zane’s never stayed anywhere for longer than a month in his adult life, Micah’s whole family is in Knotty Hollow, and Knox prefers his peaceful, silent wilderness over any sort of company.

How would we make this work?

The fact that they all got along so well today somehow just makes my despair worse. This morning, while we all played in the snow, forming a real pack seemed like an actual possibility. And now that the image of all of us, bonded and happy, has lodged itself in my brain like a splinter…

This isn’t enough.

That unacceptable thought is the only coherent one I have, so instead of speaking, I drop my face to my hands and sob.

Micah starts to purr and the others follow suit, until the cab of the truck practically vibrates. “Emma, love,” he whispers, “None of us are sick of you.”

“Knox is,” I cry, my heart twisting. “He spent one day with me and practically barked me out of his house! And I can’t even blame him! I’m needy and naive and stupid an⁠—”

Gunnar looses a truly scary snarl that stops me cold. I blink over at his furious face, trembling.

“You are not stupid, Em,” he grits. “Why would you ever think that?”

She’s the neediest, naivest klutz that’s ever lived. And dumb.

When I sniffle miserably, Zane tsks softly, threading his warm hand into my hair and drawing gentle circles on my crown. “Oh, baby. Did they tell you that? The other alphas?”

I’ve already told them the story, but I purposely left out the specific things Rob and William said. At the time, I was too embarrassed. And as the days went on… I didn’t want to tip any of them off to just how mediocre I am.

My chin falls forward in a defeated nod. Micah’s arms tighten around me. “Emma, none of us think you’re dumb at all.”

“I must be,” I wail. “Otherwise, I wouldn’t be thinking all of this could somehow work out! And I definitely wouldn’t be so needy and clumsy and just—embarrassing around you guys.”

Micah’s purr revs louder. “Sweetheart, you aren’t needy.”

How can he say that after the way I literally climbed him in public today? With a snort, I cast them all a look. “I suppose next you’re going to tell me I’m not clumsy, either.”

Damning silence fills the car. Until Zane sighs. “Hell, gorgeous, Gunnar is way clumsier than you’ll ever be.”

My hockey star winces at me, then smirks at Zane. “That’s fair. I’ll take that one.”

Micah kisses my forehead. “Needing us doesn’t make you needy, and being clumsy is just one of the things I love about you. Your exuberance and the fact that you don’t put on airs or try to come off like you’re above anything or anyone is so damn sweet.”

Zane nods in agreement, his eyes big and earnest. “Seriously, shona. I’ve been thinking the same thing all week. You lose your balance or drop stuff because you get excited. I love that.”

Gunnar’s mouth ticks up at the corner. “Damn. What’s my excuse?”

Zane slaps his back. “You’re just a klutz, Hot Shot.”

Gunnar’s eye roll is definitely good-natured that time. Micah bounces me a little. “See? We’re all getting along just fine, love. And we’ll figure everything out. Because we have the most important thing in common: you.”

The silence that now fills the cab is different from the last, and it’s enough to make me look up again. When I do, I replace the three of them gazing back at me, their expressions solemn but settled.

They… mean it? They’re really okay with all of this? With each other? Because of me?

It’s amazing. Wonderful, really. My dream… but with one very obvious missing piece. A fissure splits my heart, sending a pang of pain through my chest as I whisper, “What about Knox?”

I can tell none of them know what to say. A note of helplessness rings through the cab before Gunnar finally says, “What about Knox, squirt? He already agreed to let us all stay for your heat. And being there with you.”

And… this is where it ends. This is where I blurt the one question that’s been boring a hole in my middle for days. Because I can’t lie to them, and I can’t hold things in.

Especially when Gunnar frowns like the tears tracking down my face are more serious than world peace. Or when Micah’s purr sounds a little breathless because he hates inhaling the scent of my stress. Or the way Zane looks like me with his dark, searching eyes.

Fiddlesticks.

I shrink lower on Micah’s lap. “What about after my heat?”

I brace for another beat of collective uncertainty, but instead, I look up to replace them all giving each other solid, brusque nods. Zane’s the one who finally bends forward, pressing a soft kiss to my mouth before murmuring, “We’re all ready to talk about that whenever you are, shona.”

The spark of hope in my chest is enough to get me back into my own seat. I cling to it desperately as Micah drives on, knowing my bubble of optimism a fragile, fleeting thing. Because as soon as I see the look on Knox’s face when I ask them all to talk about this later…

Wait.

What is that?

We’re still a little way down the snowy dirt driveway—and, granted, it’s getting dark out here. But… I’m pretty darn sure that’s a wreath.

A wreath I can see because there are Christmas lights on the cabin.

…

There are Christmas lights on the cabin?!

Zane sees me and Micah gaping at the windshield and leans forward, barking a laugh before he says exactly what I’m thinking.

“Oh holy night! Did Knox decorate?”

Knox did decorate.

And—even more shocking—my mountain man did a beautiful job.

The house looks like a modern, enormous take on a fairytale Christmas cabin. Soft white lights line every edge and each window. Festive greenery covered in holly berries and red ribbons frame the doorway and the porch’s front eave.

The porch that used to have only one rocking chair, but now has…

Five.

Micah stops his truck right at the mouth of the circular drive, just as the front door opens and a set of big, gold bells attached to the wreath chimes.

Knox steps into view, his usual flannel shirt rolled to his elbows and his hands in front pockets. Looking adorably sheepish because there is a Santa hat on his head.

With a sob of pure, stunned amazement stuck in my throat, I fling myself out of the truck and race over to the porch, managing only to slip on the last step.

Knox catches me, chuckling as he swings me into his arms and holds me close. “I wanted to surprise you. Figured your trip into town was my best shot.”

He did surprise me. So much that I’m choking on disbelief. “But I—I thought⁠—”

He scent-marks my forehead and then presses a kiss there. “This house has always been nice, but it was never intended for all this. After yesterday, I had to fix that. Turn it into a home.”

Oh great, now I’m blubbering.

You know what?

Who cares?

“A—a home?” I gasp out.

He nods firmly as my other alphas bound up the porch steps to join us. Knox drops a kiss on my lips, murmuring, “Welcome home, baby girl.”