Holly, Jolly, and Oh So Naughty (Festive Flames)
Holly, Jolly, and Oh So Naughty: Chapter 25

It was an innocent slip of the tongue. Emma didn’t even notice she said it. But James did.

I did.

Hearing that word come from her was like getting punched in the gut, and my entire world shifted off-axis. James was worried, asking me if I was okay, and no matter how I tried to rearrange my face to hide how I was feeling, it didn’t seem to work.

He kept a concerned eye on me for the rest of the night, even as we went to visit my parents so they could bury Emma in kisses because of her performance.

Is this happening?

Is my secret out?

For the rest of the night, everything around me seems slightly fuzzy. James sticks by my side, doing what he can to help, but each interaction he has with Emma just makes my heart ache more.

Does he suspect?

Does he know?

I can’t tell. We head home, and I take Emma up to bathe. She plays in the bubbles while my mind loops on that single word. Dad. As I tuck her into bed, she asks if James will be here tomorrow so they can go ice skating again. I tell her I have no idea and read her a story until she falls asleep.

Back downstairs, James is waiting in the kitchen with a half-drunk bottle of wine and two glasses, one full and one empty.

As I enter, James refills the empty glass while sliding the other toward me. Without a word, I take the glass and head out onto the snow-covered patio, as if the cold will keep my emotions in check. And I don’t want Emma to hear.

“Lily,” James says as he joins me. “Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”

“Not really,” I sigh, wrapping my arms around myself and balancing the glass in my hand.

“Why did you look like you’d seen a ghost when Emma called me Dad? Is that what happened? Is her father dead?”

It would be easier that way, I think, if her father were some nameless person, a distant memory who didn’t matter. Dead to me would be easier. But I can’t keep this up. Sooner or later, James will learn the truth and it has to come from me.

He has to understand.

I sip my wine and stare out across the white garden, right to the edge where darkness swallows up the world.

“You haven’t guessed?” I say softly.

“Guessed what?” James asks. He stands to my left, a few feet away, and I can’t bring myself to face him. I don’t want to see the pain on his face, or the anger.

“Emma’s father. He’s…” The words catch in my throat, and I close my eyes, hugging my glass to my chest. When I open them, James stands before me.

“Talk to me, Lily.”

“He’s you,” I say hoarsely. “You are Emma’s father.”

All color drains from James’s face. “What?”

“You are Emma’s father.”

He takes a half-step back. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Is it really so ridiculous? She’s six years old, James. You never did the math when you saw her?”

His eyes dart back and forth. “But Mark… I thought…” His frown deepens as he trails off.

“I know. But you thought wrong.”

“I don’t understand.” When James looks back up at me, there’s anger in his eyes. “How could you keep this from me?”

My own hurt fades, replaced by the heat of my own anger. “You’re joking, right?”

“No, I’m not fucking joking. How could you not tell me I had a daughter?”

“Because you didn’t want to know!” I snap, taking my own step back toward the house. “You left me, James. Did you forget that tiny detail? Your father called you to heel and you just left. You went back to God knows where, back to your fancy family and fancy life, and you broke my heart!”

James’s lips press into a thin line. “You know how hard my family are. I had no choice.”

“You did! And you chose!”

“So what?” James snaps. “So what if I thought I did the right thing to keep my family happy? You had no right to keep my daughter from me.”

“Don’t you dare!” Heat builds behind my eyes and my heart races. “I tried everything. Everything. All I could think of was to get in touch with you because when I found out I was pregnant, I was so scared. I had no idea what to do. I didn’t want to be that girl who came home from college with a baby, but that’s what I was becoming. I thought I could at least come back with a man too.”

“Then you didn’t try hard enough!”

“No, James. You didn’t. I was told that you didn’t care, that you wanted nothing to do with me and there was nothing I could do to change that. After a bunch of rejections, I finally understood. You didn’t want to be a father.”

James begins to pace back and forth, wearing away the snow to the point that the wood gleams through. “No,” he murmurs.

“Yes,” I snap. “So I came home. I gave birth. I raised my daughter alone because you didn’t care. And I understood after some time. You were going to be some rich, successful doctor and you didn’t need me. In fact, you cared so little that you got your mother to tell me to back off!”

“My mother?”

“Yes! So don’t you stand there and try to make me out to be the bad guy here. I did and have always done what is best for my daughter. She even tried to pay⁠—”

“No. My mother would never. She has talked about grandchildren ever since I reached dating age!”

“You’re not going to stand there and defend her after what I saw the other day. Are you serious?” My anger boils over and suddenly, nothing else matters. All I need is for James to understand how much he hurt me. “You left me, James. You didn’t take my calls. You wanted nothing to do with me, so yes, I raised my daughter by myself.”

“And us?” James yells back. “What, you were fucking me for old time’s sake? Where does that factor in, huh? Did you not think that eventually, I’d start asking questions?”

“Doubtful,” I mutter bitterly. “You thought Mark was the father, for fuck’s sake. You clearly weren’t working anything out.”

“So you were never going to tell me?”

“I don’t know! I hadn’t planned on any of this. First it was a favor because I felt bad for you after your father, and then we started having fun, and I told myself it was only temporary, but now things are messy and confusing.”

“I chose to stay here,” James says tightly. “I chose to stay and you still didn’t tell me.”

“Because I was scared! The last time I tried to tell you, it was clear you were not⁠—”

“Not true,” James barks, and he points at me. “How do I know you didn’t fail to try hard enough?”

“You think I wanted to be a single mother?” The glass nearly slips from my hand, so I slam it down onto the nearest snow-covered surface. “I tried. You were the one who never picked up. I had to speak to your mother!”

“And now?” James approaches me, his eyes dark. “Why wouldn’t you tell me as soon as I turned up? Seven years of child support is overdue, wouldn’t you say?”

“It was never about that,” I snap heatedly. The anger itches along my skin, flushing hot repeatedly until I no longer feel the cold. “I didn’t know if you were here to stay or if this was just some random stumble in your confidence. I wasn’t going to disrupt Emma’s life on the small chance that you could commit this time!”

“All this time, my child was right here and you—” James clenches his fist, raising it to his mouth. “How long would you wait before telling me? How long would I have to prove myself before you trusted me with the knowledge of my own child?”

“I don’t know,” I say, and I deflate slightly. “I hadn’t thought that far because you’ve only been here a few weeks, and I guess I expected you to just leave again.”

James halts his pacing and the anger in his eyes is suddenly replaced with open, honest hurt.

“I chose you,” he says tightly. “And now you stand here, telling me you didn’t even know if we had a chance at a future together? That after everything I have done and shown you, you don’t trust me?”

My mouth falls open and my brain doesn’t work. I can’t think of anything to say, caught up in the frustration that suddenly, I’m the bad guy, but he was the one who left.

“I don’t,” I stammer. “I hadn’t… I trust you, I just⁠—”

“Yeah I get it,” James snaps bitterly. “You didn’t trust me with my own kid.”

“I’m telling you now. Doesn’t that mean something?”

“Only because you’re forced to. You don’t believe in me, do you?” James’s voice drops low. “You don’t believe we have a future together, do you?”

I have no answer. My tongue stumbles over too many thoughts so nothing comes out and James… this time, he doesn’t wait.

He sets down his glass and strides past me into the house.

I hold it together until I hear the front door slam.

Then the tears come.