Holly, Jolly, and Oh So Naughty (Festive Flames)
Holly, Jolly, and Oh So Naughty: Chapter 27

James left.

I don’t know why I expected anything different. The morning after our fight, my parents called to say that James had left really early and they thought they were giving me a heads up to an early surprise.

Instead, James was seen leaving town and that was that.

Deep down, I knew this would happen, but proving myself right just came with a bucket load of tears and crushing disappointment. I had fallen for him all over again and now, just like I feared, he learned of his fatherhood and he took off, likely on the first plane back to New York.

The only thing that made it worse was when Emma came down for breakfast and immediately asked where James was. I tried to tell her that he’d been called away, but she’d babbled on and on about how she hoped he would be back by Christmas so he could see her dance and they could go ice skating together.

At first, I tried to appease her, but it simply became too painful. After one too many cheery declarations that we had to get extra Christmas dinner for James, I snapped at her and told her the truth.

He didn’t like us anymore and he was never coming back.

That word choice was harsh for a six-year-old, and I spent all afternoon apologizing and drying my daughter’s tears. But the damage was done.

I had let James back into my life when I should have kept that door firmly closed.

Now I’m heartbroken again, and I have a six-year-old with no clue that her father has just walked out on her. Again.

By the time I get her down to sleep, I’m utterly exhausted and it had completely slipped my mind that Amelia is coming over to help with presents until she turns up at my door with sparkling wine and paper.

“Surprise! Oh, Lily.” Amelia sobers up the moment she clocks my tear-filled eyes and streaked face. “Oh, sweetie.”

I have no words as I wave her inside and trudge toward the kitchen in search of glasses.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Amelia asks while unwinding the scarf from her neck. “Or do you just want a sounding board so you can shit talk him?”

Collecting glasses from the top shelf, I sigh deeply and set them down next to the wine bottle, then I dab at my leaking eyes.

“There’s not much to say.” I sniffle. “He was starting to work things out. Emma was getting close to him. I was too, so I just opened my big mouth and told him the truth.”

Amelia shakes snow from her hair, picks up her glass, and then follows me into the lounge.

“And?” she asks, kneeling down on the floor. “What did he say?”

I roll my eyes with a soft groan. “He said he had no idea that I’d tried to reach out, and he got defensive over his mother, and then he was hurt that I didn’t trust him with the truth.”

“Oh, wow.” Amelia sips her drink as she nods. “And then he left?”

“For good.” I wince. “My parents saw him pack up and leave the in. He’s gone, Amelia. Really gone.”

Hot tears well up behind my lids, and I whimper, then sink into her outstretched arm. For a few long moments, there are no sounds but my muffled sobbing and the soft, gushing sounds rumbling around Amelia’s throat. She holds me tight, and I bury into her knitted sweater until the wave of tears passes.

“Anyway.” I sniffle thickly and seek out some tissues. “Now Emma keeps asking about her friend, so I snapped at her and she cried, and I cried, and now I have no clue what to do because yesterday, I thought I was heading toward a fairytale Christmas and today, I’m just…” I stare dejectedly at the Santa Christmas paper Amelia brought with her. “Today, I feel like all the joy has been sucked right out of me.”

“You really fell for him again, huh?” Amelia murmurs, cupping my damp cheek. “I’m sorry. I was so happy for you, and seeing the way he looked at you, I was sure this time would be different. He really seemed like he wanted a future here.”

“I guess he did until he learned he would have to be responsible for a child,” I reply, my heart heavy with dejection. “It’s like his desire just shriveled up. He was so angry, too. Like I was the bad guy for keeping this a secret.”

Amelia watches me closely and her lips part as if she’s about to change her mind, then she shakes her head. “Where are the pressies?”

“Under the stairs,” I say, pointing behind me and through the door to the cupboard under the stairs. “But what was that look?”

Amelia stands and hurries through to the hall. “What look?”

“That look. The look you just gave me that’s like sad and not sad all at the same time.” I gulp my wine down while waiting for Amelia to return with the presents, and when she does I refill my glass.

“There was no look.”

“There was a look,” I insist. “Go on, say whatever you were going to say.”

Amelia sighs, crossing her legs as she settles beside me on the floor and picks up the scissors to cut the paper.

“Look. I’m with you on this, Lily. A thousand percent. And I’m not trying to justify anything because if you want to curse him out, then that is what we will do. But…”

“But?” I demand.

“From his perspective, he did just learn that not only did the woman he likes have his kid, but he also missed six years of his daughter growing up and apparently had no clue that you were ever pregnant. The dude probably just had the shock of his lifetime that you tried to reach out to him.”

“And his answer is to leave?”

“Given that he ran away when his father died, I’d take a guess that he needs space to process huge news like this.” Amelia smiles warmly and clasps my knee. “Like I said, I’m not justifying what he did. But maybe it wouldn’t hurt to give him a little time to work through things.”

“I didn’t want that, though.” I look over at my friend. “I wanted him to tell me that he was sorry for leaving. That he wanted to be right here with me and Emma. I wanted him to promise that he wouldn’t leave and that he wanted us to be a family.”

“I know, honey, I know.”

“Does that make me a terrible person? Part of me is telling myself that I shouldn’t be upset because I saw this coming and I knew he would leave because why would time change anything?” The tears well again, and I clutch at one of the stuffed animals I purchased for Emma’s Christmas. “And then the other part of me yearns for him to be here so that I can give Emma the family she deserves.”

“Okay, well for starters, you are all the family Emma needs, okay? You and your mom and dad. You do a fantastic job, okay? And second, you’re not wrong for wanting those things. By all accounts, everything was going good, right? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with hoping that you can get the fairytale ending.”

“Mmhmm.” I nod along to Amelia’s words, fighting to keep the tears at bay.

“You couldn’t anticipate how he would react. That’s not on you. You did what you thought was best for you and Emma, and no one can fault you for that. Certainly not him.” Amelia gently tosses a strand of green ribbon toward me. “Don’t beat yourself up, okay? Be sad, sure, but don’t punish yourself.”

If only it were that easy to follow her advice. We settle into an amicable silence with an old Christmas movie on the TV and the bottle of wine rapidly draining while we wrap presents.

Emma’s are secured first just in case she decides to come hurrying down those stairs and walk in on us. Once they’re out of the way, I wrap up the presents I have for my parents and Amelia uncorks the second bottle of wine.

Alcohol makes the tears come faster, but it’s somewhat therapeutic to cry it all out with my best friend, even if we are surrounded by festive things for the supposed happiest day of the year. Amelia talks about work and her plans to go visit her parents next year while also gleefully informing me that Mark was fired and will be nowhere near me or my daughter ever again.

By the time the second bottle is empty, there’s a nice stack of presents around the tree and my heart isn’t as heavy as it was a few hours ago. Amelia and I lounge next to each other, watching the next Christmas movie through a haze of alcohol.

“You know,” Amelia says suddenly, “you should come out with me for my work Christmas night out on Christmas Eve.”

“And get absolutely hammered?”

“No,” Amelia scoffs. “Although that would be funny. Just come out with us, have a nice meal, and do something really fun. Take your mind off things and destress before the big day. Let me cheer you up properly and you can see that Christmas can still be joyful?”

“I’m in Grinch mode now,” I mutter, tilting my empty wine glass around my leg. “Won’t I be intruding?”

“Lily, I’m asking you to come. No one will care. We can have a really girly night and you can forget all about Mr. Tall, dark, and handsome. At least for one night.”

“Hmm. Okay, sure. But only if I can get a babysitter.”

“Excellent!” Amelia stands, wobbling slightly, and gathers up the empty bottle, then she moves off to the kitchen.

In her absence, I pull out my phone and study James’s contact. He’s called me once but I didn’t pick up because I was too scared, and then he never called back. I haven’t texted him either because I honestly don’t know what to say.

I don’t know if any excuse he can provide will be good enough… unless he’s just calling to organize child support, in which case I don’t want his money.

But I will take it for Emma.

“Don’t tell me you are drunk dialing.” Amelia snorts as she returns with a third bottle of wine.

“No, I’m just… I don’t know. It doesn’t feel serious right now.”

“That’s because you are drunk, darling.”

“I’ll regret this in the morning,” I say, and yet I don’t tilt my glass away as Amelia refills it.

As she settles next to me to finish out the rest of the film, the alcohol doesn’t keep all the pain at bay.

Simmering underneath the fuzzy warmth of distance is the single thought that I missed out.

“Here’s to being alone at Christmas,” I say sadly, raising my glass. Amelia knocks our drinks together and cheers.

The happy family on the screen is picture-perfect happiness, and I so badly wanted that for Emma and me.

Instead, I fucked that up spectacularly.