I am Sam
Chapter Twenty-One

Waking up in a groggy state, all I can hear is shouting; it starts off as a background murmur before escalating to a full-blown screaming match; forcing my eyes open, I’m looking down at Atlas and Caleb standing at the foot of my bed about to climb into each other, and tear one another apart.

My brows furrow as I watch the comical sight of Circen on one side trying to pull Atlas back and Noah on the other gripping Caleb; and before I can stop myself, I suddenly shout out in a croaky voice,

“Hey, what’s going on?” All four of them suddenly still when they turn to face me, widened eyes and concerned; sympathetic expressions on all of them except Caleb, that is, he’s still got Atlas in a choke hold as he glares daggers at him; did I miss something?

“Sasha, how are you feeling?” Atlas chokes out. Tilting my head, my brows furrow in response to his question,

“Fine, why?” I drawl out, and I suddenly feel really confused as I look from him to the rest of them, but no one answers me; the only one who won’t look me in the eyes is Caleb; and I suddenly narrow my eyes suspiciously at him, “Caleb, what’s going on?” The moment I say his name, he slowly looks up at me, his jaw clenched tight, and now for some reason, I’m suddenly feeling slightly panicky. Caleb doesn’t do sympathy, nor does he do remorse, so what is this?

“I manipulated your dream last night, and you nearly fucking died; that’s what is going on,” He says in a deadpan voice, and I suddenly blink back the shock on my face as my jaw goes slack,

“I’m sorry, you did what?” My voice breaks as my brows knit together in confusion, and as I watch him swallow down hard, he let’s out a deep breath,

“Your dream last night, the monsters, that was me; I used dream manipulation on you, but something went wrong, and we’re trying to figure out what happened.” He says in a low voice, and I suddenly gasp as a stray tear rolls down my cheek; I’m just staring aimlessly into space as visions suddenly start flooding my mind.

Caleb; monsters, creatures, Wolf.

Swallowing down a hard lump, I can’t look up; it’s like I’m suddenly reliving something my brain clearly tried to shut out. And as I quickly look down and pull up my shirt to inspect the open gash, I remember clinging onto it; there’s nothing there. I’m wiping my hand over my stomach, but there’s no trace of a wound. My breathing picks up the moment I remember Wolf and the creatures. As I push myself back against the bed rest behind me, I’m suddenly wrapping my arms around myself, heaving as I bury my face into my hands and pull at my hair. I’m rocking myself back and forth; trying to console myself as soft whimpers escape my lips,

“Sasha?” Atlas pushes away from Caleb; takes a step away from the others when he cautiously comes up to me, gently lowering his hand against my shoulder; a quick intake of air surpasses my lungs as I pull away from him; my body is visually shaking as I look up at him as more tears seem to flow down my cheeks. “I’m sorry, we thought... I thought that if we showed you exactly what some of the Unseelie creatures look like in a dream, you would be better prepared to see them in real life.” Narrowing my eyes at him, I was quickly putting two and two together,

“You were a part of this? You manipulated my dream.” His brows furrow as he clenches his jaw, and I can see it in his eyes; he did. Shifting my attention towards the rest of them, I look from Circen to Noah in confusion, “You two as well?” Circe’s eyes are filled with regret, but Noah looks absolutely gutted as his whole body stiffens, fisted hands by his sides as he looks down,

“It was a stupid idea, granted, but Sasha, you passed every test Caleb threw at you; you didn’t lose it; you fought back.” He says, looking at me with his most genuine pleading Noah eyes, and I can’t help but smirk as I look from him to Circen; from Caleb to Atlas and back at Caleb again,

“I passed every test; so what, Wolf was what exactly, the test to see how well I would cope if he died, is that it?” My voice suddenly breaks as I narrow my eyes at Caleb, “You thought it would be fun to see me fall a part in one of your dream manipulation nightmares when some terrifying monster gutted him right in front of me, did you?” My bottom lip shakes uncontrollably; I’m battling to keep it together as my hands fist at my sides.

“I take full responsibility for everything that went wrong with the Wendigo,” Caleb says in a low voice as he looks at me with a strained expression; Atlas suddenly sighs as he gets up from me and turns around to face Caleb,

“The Wendigo aren’t your fault, Cal; they’re ours, more specifically mine,” Running a hand through his hair, he suddenly groans, and I’m looking up at him in confusion as he turns to look back down at me,

“Caleb didn’t have anything to do with Wolf being in your dream, everything before that, yes, but the Wendigo’s entered your dream because I forgot the window open.” Blinking back the sudden surprise in my eyes, my jaw suddenly goes slack; it’s so silent in the room you could hear a pin drop when Caleb suddenly snaps at Atlas,

“You fucking did what?!” Turning his head to look at Caleb, I do the same. Caleb is literally seething; I’ve never seen him this enraged, it's absolutely terrifying. “You opened a window and forgot to mention this before we went through with a dream manipulation?” Atlas merely sighs as he shakes his head,

“No one was meant to know; Sasha wanted to see Wolf, and so I opened a window so she could see him; it was meant to be a simple situation of getting in, seeing him and getting out,” Scoffing Caleb shakes his head in anger,

“Get in and get out, huh, so what went wrong? Because clearly, something went wrong if you took a completely inexperienced person into a window without proper training beforehand,” Folding his hands across his chest, he cocks his head at Atlas.

“She saw something that upset her, and she pulled back and broke the connection with me,” Both Circen and Noah’s jaws drop with a gasp the moment Atlas says this; they’re just staring at him in disbelief,

“Atlas, you could have died,” Turning his head to look at Circen, he shrugs before looking back at me with a small smile,

“Could have, but I didn’t; Sasha pulled me out,” But I quickly break eye contact with him as I look down at my hands in my lap,

“That’s all great, so you just open a window for her to see Wolf, and then she sees something she doesn’t like,” Looking down at me, Caleb suddenly frowns, “What did you see that you didn’t like, Sasha?” Slowly looking up at him, my brows furrow,

“Wolf with another she-wolf,” My voice sounds so small and insignificant as I speak those words; hearing it come out of my mouth just suddenly gave it more power in my mind, I guess; and an awkward silence suddenly fills the air for just a moment before Caleb scrubs a hand over his face,

“You see, shit like this is why you don’t open windows, Atlas.” Groaning, Atlas turns back to Caleb,

“Cal, seriously, it’s done; it happened; we sorted it out now; let it go. Can we just focus on what’s actually going on here with Sasha, please?” And it’s like Caleb suddenly completely loses it with Atlas when he steps up right in his face, staring him down hard,

“What’s going on with Sasha is that you opened a window, shit went wrong, and that allowed Wendigo to come into her dream and manipulate her into thinking she was seeing Wolf; if you had told me that you opened a fucking window, I would never have agreed to dream manipulation with her in the first place,” Atlas narrows his eyes at Caleb as he levels his stare,

“Watch yourself, Cal; you’re taking this too far,” He grumbles through a clenched jaw as he gets in Caleb’s face, “We’re not even allowed to open windows in the first place, so I’m sorry I didn’t think to tell you about it, Caleb.” Narrowing his eyes on Atlas; Caleb smirks,

“Did you think I would go running and tell Ronan that you opened a window? Is that it? Do you think I give a shit about him or his rules anymore?”

“I fucking made a mistake; now let it go,” Atlas snaps as he narrows his eyes at Caleb, but Caleb merely squares up to Atlas,

“No, you didn’t make a mistake, you fucked up, and if this is how you plan on ruling Aeonian one day when you take over from your old man, we’re all in some serious fucking trouble,” Turning to look at me Caleb swallows hard as he continues, “Because let’s face it, Sasha has always had a way of getting you to lose your head,” Looking at him Caleb smirks, “It’s time you get your head in the game, because if this is how you plan on doing shit, then I refuse to serve under you.” I suddenly see the shock and hurt on Atlas’s face as Caleb steps back before turning and heading for the door,

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Atlas calls out to Caleb, which instantly has Caleb stilling with his hand on the door handle,

“If you can’t get your act together as our future leader, I’m out.” He mumbles before pulling the door open, stepping out and slamming it shut behind him. Leaving us all to just sit there kind of stunned,

“What does he mean he’s out?” Noah says, furrowing his brows as he looks at Atlas, “He can’t just pick up and leave,” Smirking Circen turns to face Atlas, and she seems completely gobsmacked,

“Well, I think he just did,” Atlas groans loudly as he runs his hands through his hair,

“He’s not going to leave; he’s just pissed; let’s give him a few days and then...” Blinking back, I suddenly look up at Atlas as I cut him off,

“A few days?”

“Yeah,” Atlas says, looking down at me with a sympathetic shrug, “With your permission this time, we’ll go through a few more dream manipulation sessions so we can assess how you deal with more aggressive Unseelie monsters.” My jaw goes slack as I stare at him in disbelief,

“You want me to go through all that again?”

“Sasha, I have no doubt that you can stand your own out there, but, besides the Wendigo, the Unseelie monsters you might face are ten times worse than what Caleb showed you. You need to be ready for that,” Narrowing my eyes on him, I suddenly swallow down a lump when I look down,

“I need to be alone,” I whisper,

“Sasha, it was just a dream; none of what you saw really happened,”

“Atlas, please, just give me some space,” Looking him in the eyes, I’m suddenly wiping away fresh tears against my cheeks, “Since I’ve gotten here, I’ve either been told what to do, what to think, how to act, how not to act, who to trust, who to love. I’ve been pushed around and forced to bow down to a king who is the biggest asshole under the sun, and now you want me to sit here and wait a few more days so that I can have my dreams manipulated again to better prepare me for the Unseelie realm,”

“Sasha, just listen...” Atlas says calmly, but I immediately cut him off,

“No, Atlas. You listen, I watched Wolf die, and you can tell me it was dream manipulation all you like, that it wasn’t real, but it was real, to me. It felt real as I watched the man I would die for, being gutted to death by some freakish looking monster with a moose head skull.” Turning my attention towards Circen, I suddenly gulp, “Atlas doesn’t understand because he hasn’t found his mate, but if you saw Noah being gutted to death right in front of you, how would that make you feel?” Looking over at Noah, I clench my jaw, “If Circen was the one lying on the ground gushing out blood and then blamed you for her death, how would you cope with that?” Both Noah and Circen are standing there with horrified expressions on their faces, and I then know that they understand because they’re mated; they get it; Atlas doesn’t because he doesn’t know what it feels like, our twin bond is nothing compared to a mate bond, and one day he might get to feel what it feels like, then and only then will he be able to stand in front of me and tell me it was just a dream, it wasn’t real.

Abruptly turning on my side as I pull my blanket up to my chin, I shut my eyes so tightly as I try to get those images out of my mind.

“Sasha, please...”

“Just go, Atlas, I don’t want to train today; I don’t want to have twin time, or any goddam mandatory and compulsory piece of dictatorship shoved in my face by Ronan or anyone else for that matter; just leave me alone.” After a few minutes, I finally hear the door click shut as they all leave, the images of Wolf’s face as he looked at me in his final moments and blamed me for him dying haunting my every waking moment; I want to close my eyes and block it all out, but I’m too scared to sleep in case I have to relive what happened, so all I can do is lie here as the images replay in my head over and over again torturing me as I blame myself for what happened to Wolf in my dream.

~

I’m pacing up and down in my room; I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind; I need to get out of here; I need to break Wolf’s curse and go home; I’ve been here for two months, which means it’s been eight months for Wolf.

I can’t do this anymore; I can’t be stuck here anymore; there has to be a way of getting into the Unseelie realm without my friends or my brother’s help? Because let’s face it, this is my fight, not theirs; it never was theirs in the first place. I just know I can’t wait a few more days which will surely turn into a few more weeks; gulping down a sudden new wave of panic in my throat, I’m suddenly standing in front of my mirror, staring at my reflection. I’m not even surprised; I look like shit. “Mirror mirror on the wall. Who is going to kill us all?” Looking down, I slowly let out a defeated sigh, “I am,” Because that’s the truth, I’m going to get everyone killed if they come with me now, but I can’t wait any longer.

I’m suddenly startled when Asher pops up behind me, half jumping. I swing around and scowl at him,

“Do you always have to do that?”

“Do what?” He asks, somewhat confused,

“Sneak up on people; it’s creepy,”

“I’m an Ultima wolf, hypothetically speaking, it isn’t considered sneaking up; it’s normal for us to move around undetected.” Smirking, I shake my head at him,

“You know what, you would really get along with Wolf,” The mention of his name suddenly has me feeling another onset of guilt, looking down I can’t hide it from Asher when he asks,

“What’s wrong?” Shaking my head again, I suddenly wipe away a stray tear rolling down my cheek,

“It’s nothing; it’s my problem, not your problem,” This only has the frown intensifying against his face as he cocks his head slowly,

“Don’t lie to me; you forget I can smell it off you; you remember, wolves?” Sighing, I nod as I start walking past him towards the open french doors of the balcony; I’m suddenly staring into the witch’s forest when I tell him about what happened the night before; I tell him all about the dream manipulation, about my friends and Atlas, how they were trying to prepare me for what I would see in the Unseelie realm, I tell him about Wolf and the Wendigo, and at this point, I’m literally wiping away more tears as I speak. Asher comes up behind me and places his hand against my shoulder to turn me around so I can face him,

“How is any of that your fault?” He asks, slightly confused,

“I watched Wolf die; Asher. Even though they told me it wasn’t real, it still felt real.”

“But it wasn’t real, and you didn’t kill him.”

“So why do I feel like I did?” He just stands there for a few seconds, staring at me without saying a word. Letting out a deep breath, I walk over to sit on one of the couches, and Asher joins me but sits on the floor instead.

“What’s going on in your head, Sasha?” He asks questioningly,

“What do you mean?” I ask him curiously,

“I can see it in your eyes; you’ve already decided what to do, haven’t you?” Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes for just a moment as I nod, “And what have you decided?” Opening my eyes, I swallow hard when I look at him,

“I’m going to the Unseelie realm on my own; I can’t drag my friends or Atlas into this; it’s got nothing to do with them; Wolf is my mate; they will never understand... I’m responsible for his curse, maybe not directly, but he wouldn’t be cursed if it wasn’t for me either.” Frowning, he clenches his jaw in response,

“You can’t just go into the Unseelie realm, Sasha,”

“Everyone keeps telling me that; that’s why two months later, I’m still stuck here and nowhere near replaceing Lisbon and breaking that curse,”

“No, I mean, you literally can’t just walk into the Unseelie realm, firstly the only real way of getting there is down the river, and secondly, the Seelie court guard the river fork, which allows you access down towards the Unseelie side, if they don’t let you pass then there’s no way you’ll get there, they’ll kill you.”

“And there’s no way around them?” Shaking his head, he clenches his jaw,

“The only way is down the river, I mean, I’ve travelled in and out of the Unseelie realm countless times, but that’s because of what I am,”

“Wait, they know you’re an Ultima wolf?” Smirking, he shakes his head with a small smile.

“You sound surprised; with the curse, Malvessa placed on my head, I should have died; but the Seelie queen; queen Fae helped me, she couldn’t break the curse, black magic kind of has that effect on the ones they curse; but she could help me stay alive,”

“Malvessa, so I’m gathering she’s the Unseelie queen?” Nodding, he shrugs,

“She’s the evilest, living and breathing thing you’ll ever meet, and if anyone will be able to help you get to Lisbon, it’s her. She would sell her own daughter on the black market if she didn’t already have other plans for her,”

“She sounds lovely,” I retort sarcastically,

“Yeah, she's a real peach. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, if you want, I’ll help you get into the Unseelie realm,” Shaking my head, I’m suddenly frowning at him,

“No, Asher, I can’t possibly expect you to help me with this; it’s not your fight.”

“I’m not going to allow you to go down that river alone either. Besides, we’re both wolves, after all, right? It’s in our moral code to defend and help each other.” He shrugs, and all I can do is smile softly at him, because he's right, that's who we are as wolves.

“Okay, let’s do it.” I sigh nervously. Smiling, he nods at me,

“Okay, when do you want to go?”

“Tonight,” I quickly respond, “I can’t wait another day; I need to get back to Wolf.” Nodding, he let’s out a slow breath as he watches me intently,

“Make sure you’re ready to leave at around eight tonight; meet me below the waterfall; I’ll wait for you there, don’t be late,” He emphasises the last bit. Clenching my jaw, all I can do is give him a stiff nod. Am I really going to do this? Am I going to sneak off into the Unseelie realm without telling Atlas, or at least Caleb?

~

I’m done waiting if that nightmare did anything; it only proved that I need to leave tonight; Asher has been into the Unseelie realm countless times, so he’ll help me get in. Now all I have to do is sneak out of here undetected before anyone realises I’m gone.

I haven’t seen much of anyone today since I flipped out this morning, the only one I bumped into when going downstairs was Circen, and she looked so remorseful when she spoke to me. The thing is, I’m not mad at her or Noah; I’m not mad at Atlas or even at Caleb; I’m mad at myself for being so weak for so long and thinking it was okay when it’s clearly not. I’m done being the victim; I’m just... done.

Circen wanted me to agree to flame training in the morning; little does she know that I won’t be here come morning. Still, I couldn’t tell her that, so I had to smile and lie, tell her yeah, sure, when I knew I wouldn’t be there, now I’ve got to live with the guilt of lying to my friend, I guess it’s a small price to pay considering that what’s most important to me is releasing Wolf from this curse.

The moment I get away from her, I head straight for the armoury; it’s not a strange thing for me to be seen in there; I’ve done it so many times these past few weeks, especially with Caleb training me; but this time I’m not running in there just to get some weapons for training, I’m making sure I have exactly what I need that when I leave here tonight with Asher, I’m prepared to defend myself at all costs.

The moment I’m outside, I’m entirely dressed in black so I can pass unnoticed in the darkness, the waning moon is already in the night sky, and I know I need to be careful not to get caught; I’ve managed to gather up everything I think I’ll need on this crazy expedition, everything inside of me is screaming at me to turn back, but I refuse to listen, I’m doing this now.

I manage to replace the pebble stone steps going down the side of the waterfall until I’m right at the water’s edge; the moonlight is shimmering along the surface of the water; I’m frantically looking around for Asher when my eyes suddenly land on a silhouette, on closer inspection I realise it’s him, and he has a boat?

He doesn’t say anything. Instead, he beckons me to come over, and the minute I do, he helps me into the small boat; sitting down, I’m trying to settle my nerves, but it’s not that easy. Am I doing the right thing?

Asher says travelling downriver towards the Seelie court will be our quickest option; he even drew me a map, so I’ll better understand where we need to go. Taking one last look up at castle Aeonian, I heaved as we silently floated downstream in a small row boat. I can only hope that my friends will understand; that Atlas will understand. This is my fight, not theirs.

“You ready?” Asher says, looking back at me in a low voice, nodding I swallow down a lump forming in my throat,

“As ready as I’ll ever be.”

MIERA

I’m aimlessly staring out of my window towards the water’s edge past the waterfall; I’m completely lost in thought, lost in a memory of Kris. I miss him so much, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over losing him.

Wiping away a stray tear, something suddenly catches my eye in the water. Is that a small boat? Suddenly grabbing for my handheld telescope, I quickly zoom in; who on earth would be stupid enough to be going downriver at this time of night. The moment I zoom in closer, I gasp when I see a white Unseelie creature, I’m about to scream out for the guards when the second person in the boat turns their face towards the castle. My eyes widen in surprise as my jaw goes slack. Is that Sasha?

Lowering the telescope to my lap, I’m trying to understand what Sasha would be doing in a small boat with an Unseelie creature. The moment it dawns on me that she’s probably helping the Unseelie side, I instantly jump up as I stagger back; I knew she was bad news; that little bitch would turn on us and help the Unseelie? Traitor.

I have to tell someone; I’m about to run for the door when I abruptly stop. If I tell someone now, they’ll stop her and bring her back here, and I definitely don’t want her here; but if I wait until morning, it will be too late to bring her back. Biting my lower lip, I nod to myself; that’s what I’ll do; I’ll let her get away and wait until morning; once they can’t replace her, I’ll just happen to mention that one of our small boats is also missing, it will be too late to do anything about it then, and I won’t ever have to see her again; and if by some chance the Unseelie end up killing her, then so be it, an eye for an eye right?