I Shouldn't Love Him
I Shouldn’t Love Him (Book 2) – Chapter 63

LAKE

For the Morning Reflection, everyone gathered on the wooden stands to face the rising sun. The birds were chirping, the blue sky peeked through the treetops. As Gary spoke softly about positive intentions and what the day would bring, nine pairs of feet plus Tiffany’s trudged in. At ten past seven, they were the last cabin to arrive, which meant Tiffany would spend her morning cleaning up half-eaten food and used napkins. I couldn’t muster any sympathy. She knew the rules.

“Every morning we will sing a special song to start the day,” Gary said. “I discovered it earlier this year and thought this song had a great message. You may have heard it on the radio. Collective Soul’s ‘Shine’ is about seeking guidance and acceptance. It has religious undertones, but you can sing it however you like. But first, I want each cabin to come together and decide what they are grateful for on this beautiful morning. The counselors will share it with the group.

We huddled with the girls, who looked as energetic and excited as they had gotten on the bus the morning before. “

What are we grateful for?” Hannah asked.

“That we n “We don’t have to clean up our messes today,” Bettina said.

“You’re grateful for Bobby Newman,” one of the girls teased.

Hannah and I looked at each other. “Let’s try something a little deeper I said. “Any ideas, Hannah?

“What if we were grateful for each other?” Hannah asked.

“Friendship.”

“Three musketeers,” Katie added. “It’s my favorite candy.” “It’s friendship,” Hannah said.

Gary called everyone’s attention back to the front.

“Friendship” appeared three times before Manning’s turn.

“We are grateful for a lot of things,” he said, scanning the faces of the boys in his cabin. “But today we’d like to thank you for the release of Mortal Kombat II last month. As a cabin, we agree that it’s one of the best things to happen this year so far

. the world remained silent until Gary burst out laughing.

“Okay. It’s a new one. Video games. I like it. Who wants to speak next? Cabin four?

I glanced at Hannah, who nodded and said, Candy

I sighed.

“Cabin four is grateful for. . Three Mousquetaires bars. The girls applauded. “And,” I added when they had calmed down, “to have someone to share them with.”

Gary cheered.

“Okay, cabin four.”

In the end, despite a morning of good intentions, hearty breakfasts, and lots of laughter, it all came crashing down when I checked our schedule for the day. From the start, we were heading towards danger: horseback riding. It wasn’t even my fear that bothered me. I would miss sharing an activity with the girls.

As a group, we walked from the dining room across the dirt and dead grass toward the stables.

“Look, there’s Bobby Newman,” Katie squealed, pointing.

I spotted a few other boys from Manning’s cabin. Then his co-advisor Kirk. Like a trail of breadcrumbs, my eyes followed until they landed on Manning as he helped a camper onto a saddle.

“We’re paired with them today?” I asked Hannah.

“It looks like it.”

Now staying at the stable was even worse. Not only would I miss out on quality time with the girls, but also with Manning.

“Do you want me to stay with you?” Hannah asked.

“I’m sure Manning and the instructors can handle it.”

I turned and squinted at the stables. The horses were beautiful. . and huge. If possible, they seemed even bigger than the year before. A little part of me wanted to be brave just so I wouldn’t screw up this time with Manning.

“It’s okay,” I told Hannah. “The girls will want you there.”

One of the trainers came out of the stable in cowboy boots. He gestured to the girls.

“Who wants to ride a horse?”

they screamed and ran towards him. For a moment he looked terrified, but quickly recovered.

“OK OK. Slow down. You don’t want to scare the poor people.

“You or the horses?” Hannah teased.

Manning looked up at the commotion. Once he secured his camper, he came towards us.

“I have never ridden a horse. Do you believe that?”

That he had never climbed on the back of a wild animal and expected it to do what he said? Yes, I believed it. What sane person would do that? ? I bit my thumbnail.

“Me neither.

“

“This will be a first for both of us, so..

Hannah followed, but I stayed where I was. The horses on the ground didn’t scare me, it was the idea of ​​getting on and letting go. What stopped the horse from doing what he wanted? What if there was suddenly some sort of psychotic break? I had never broken a bone and I didn’t want to start today.

The driver came out with a shiny black horse, scanned the crowd and headed towards me.

“You’re going to ride Betsy Junior,” he said.

I looked around to make sure he wasn’t talking to anyone else.

“Me?”

“She’s a little wild, but she’s not as bad as her mother. Better if a counselor takes it.

I tried to step back, but my feet suddenly felt like lead. Betsy Junior had dark eyes and didn’t blink, as if she was trying to send me a message: Touch me and I’ll push you against a tree. She whinnied, a sinister laugh.

“I can’t,” I said.

I was too young to die. I had never even been kissed or taught to drive.

“I’ll pass on this one.”

“What’s wrong?” Manning asked from behind me and I jumped.

Where did he come from?

“I can not do it.”

“Why not?”

“She’s scared,” the manager said. “I see it in his eyes. The horse has the same look when I bring him with all these children.

I swallowed.

“I’ll stay here and wait for you guys.”

“are you sure?” asked the instructor. “You could ride with me.”

I had just met the guy. He may have been doing this for a living, but what did that mean? He could have been hired yesterday. Maybe he had been an insurance salesman who had been laid off and decided that owning a pair of cowboy boots qualified him for the job.

“I am on.”

“As you wish. Looks like Betsy Junior is safe another day.

“I am on.”

“As you wish. Looks like Betsy Junior is safe another day.

He took her back to the stable.

I turned around and found Manning looking at me like he was waiting for something.

“What?” I asked.

“You know what.?

“No, I don’t.”

“. I’m going to make you ride a horse.

“But-”

“Come up with me.”

My breath caught in my throat. But that would mean being pressed against him for an hour. A whole hour. I would probably pass out and fall off my horse. And get trampled.

“But you just said you never did.”

“This guy gave me a quick lesson. I’m a natural sportsman.” He smiled crookedly. “I’ve got that, Lake.

“It’s okay.

I really don’t even want to.

With the sun high in the sky, his dark eyes were almost black.

“You told me you weren’t afraid to get dirty.”

“That’s not it. What if the horse goes crazy and pushes me away?”

“Then you will fall, and we will raise you up and dust you off.”

“What if I break something?” »

“And what if? You tell me.”

I opened my mouth. I expected him to tell me it wouldn’t happen. That he would protect me. If I fell, I could hurt myself and have to go to the infirmary, maybe even the hospital. But it was true for all the girls and boys around me. Which meant it was no longer just about riding horses. It was about proving what I could handle. How much pain I could take and carry on.

“Okay,” I said without an ounce of confidence. “I’ll ride with you.”

“Today,” he said. “And next time you’ll do it yourself.”

I didn’t believe I could, but he didn’t need to know that. I nodded.

“Which horse?” »

“Betsy Senior.” Come on.”

My knees almost gave out. Of course, Manning’s first time on a horse would be the wildest. I figured if I was going to ride a Betsy, it might as well be with Manning. I got it followed.

He tested the stirrup with his boot.

“Put your foot in and ride.”

I looked him up and down.

“On horseback?

“Believe me, Birdy.”

He gathered the reins. “I just doing this with my own campers and a few of yours.

“You weigh the same as a ten year old.”

That wasn’t true, but it probably was for Manning, who could lift a horse without struggling.

Okay, maybe not a horse. But he was strong. Manning turned to walk away and panic gripped me. I reached out and grabbed the first thing I could, almost falling as I held on to his t-shirt.

“Where are you going ?”

He stopped in his tracks, mostly because I had him in a death grip. When he saw me sideways in the saddle, he laughed. “You know animals can sense fear, right?”

He wasn’t helping. “It’s a myth.”

“Is it?” He engulfed my fist in his, but didn’t pull me away. “I was just going to make sure everyone gets along, but if you think you need me more.” .”

I did it. I needed him. Why couldn’t I be selfish from time to time like everyone else? He would stay if I asked him. Most of the girls had ridden horses before, some had even taken lessons. But I didn’t come here to be with Manning, I came for them. I unclenched my fist and he held my hand until I stood back up on the horse.

“Two minutes,” he said. “If she moves, pull on the reins and say ‘whoa’.”

Manning checked in with each of his boys and my girls too. The way he made eye contact with everyone and listened to everything they said made me wonder why my dad wasn’t like that with me when I got scared. He would have just told me to move on and stop whining. Does Manning get this from his father? Where was Mr. Sutter? What did he do for a living? How many times has Manning seen it? After he ended my questions about his sister, I wasn’t sure if I could ask any questions. But if Manning had become the man he was because of his father, I wanted to meet him and thank him. Betsy Senior whinnied and took a few steps, bringing me back to reality. I pulled on the reins.

Manning looked over and mouthed, Whoa

“Wow,” I said. Betsy kicked her hoof and settled down.

It took more than two minutes, but Manning returned once it was time to leave. “Do you want to drive?”

“No. Will you? Please.”

He scratched his chin. “I haven’t thought about that. You may have to come down so I can go up first. Can you do that?”

If that meant I wouldn’t have to be in charge of this thing, then yes. He helped me down, climbed onto the horse and nodded for me to get back on. Temporarily, I put my foot back in the stirrup. I had no way to get up, so Manning offered his elbow. I used it to slide into the saddle behind him.

“See?” he said. “You’re a natural. “Ready?”

But now what was I supposed to do with my hands? His proximity deprived me of everything, from sense to speech. His camp t-shirt, still wrinkled, smelled of plastic and a hint of sweat.

“You might want to hold on,” he said.

There was only one way to hold on. He asked me to put my arms around him – just like that? As if it wasn’t something I’d dreamed of a hundred times? There was no way he wouldn’t instantly know the depth of my feelings just by that simple embrace. He would feel my heartbeat against his back. My hairline started to sweat. I wanted to do it, but I really couldn’t bring myself to move an inch. I was very scared.

“I’m fine,” I said. “As you wish.” Manning clicked his tongue, squeezed Betsy’s sides with his feet, and she lunged forward. I held on to his t-shirt to keep from falling. He pulled on the reins, laughing. “Wow, Betsy. Wow,” he said. She steadied herself into a walk. “It might take a few tries.”

My hands might as well be on him now. I had the fabric of his shirt in two fists, and if I let go I might fall. Probably. It was likely. I didn’t want to fall. I didn’t want to let go of Manning when I finally got him. I released my grip and slowly, with appreciation for every detail, slipped my arms around his waist. I clasped my hands together and moved closer, my inner thighs pressing against his legs. My pulse was beating everywhere, especially in the places we touched. And I felt his too. I couldn’t tell if the fast, rhythmic ba-boom against my palms was just the robust heartbeat of a healthy man or if he felt as euphoric, excited, and nervous as I did.

As everyone started heading down the path, Manning and I pulled the back while a handler took the lead. Hannah and the other instructor rode alongside the kids.

Manning cleared his throat and asked over his shoulder, “Are you comfortable?”

My chest was crushed against him, my a*s awkwardly pushed out to keep just a little distance between us so he wouldn’t think I was trying to get too comfortable. Worse yet, I couldn’t see above him because he was so tall and I didn’t know where to put my face. It didn’t matter. I sighed. “Yes.” “Did you fall off a horse when you were a kid or something?”

“No. I’ve never even ridden one.

“So it’s like the Ferris wheel?” He asked. “It’s not really about the height.”

“No. My friend had a tree house growing up and I went there sometimes. I go up to the roof at home.

“The roof?”

” From my bedroom. I can climb out the window.

“Hmm.” Its hum made my body vibrate. “So it must be things that are moving. Not being able to control what might happen. Have you ever been on a plane?”

This was the worst of all. Talk about having no control. You could die a million different ways on a plane and most of them wouldn’t be instantaneous . If it started falling from the sky, you’d have to sit there, knowing you were going to die. I’ll just wait. I shivered. “I had to do that when I was a kid when we took vacations. I n I had no choice. I think I cried my whole first flight and after that my parents just gave me something.

“It surprises me,” he said. “I know you You’re brave.”

Me, brave? I wasn’t so sure.

“Just little things. Like when we went to that party before the fair and Tiffany pressured you to go. You said no when most teenagers would have done the opposite.

“That wasn’t bravery,” I said. “I just don’t like these things – drinking, flirting, fooling around because they think it’s cute or funny.””A lot of people don’t like these things, but they do them anyway . Because people make them think it’s cool. They back away. They’re the cowards. Manning put his hand on mine as I clung to it. My throat went dry, my body tingled with places I didn’t know I could tingle. “Take the reins for a minute,” he said. “

I can’t even see.” That was a lie. I saw Manning, and Manning was all that that I saw.

“You don’t need to do it, because I can.” He removed my hand to place one rein on it, then did the same with the other. “There you go. Are you a professional.

I did nothing but hold the reins. He could have driven me into the lake, and I would have no idea. For some reason it was important to him that I do it myself.

“Hey, Jake,” Manning shouted. “Mike. Stop messing around. This isn’t a video game. These are real animals.

“Sorry, Manning,” a few boys said.

“You’re good with them. I can tell they look up to you. My My back started to hurt from keeping a certain distance between us. “Do you want children?”

He takes the reins again. “Not really. No, not now.”

I had nowhere to put my hands. “Yes, someday.”

“You’re still a child yourself.”

“Just because I’m younger than you doesn’t mean I I’m a child.” I wrapped my arms around him again, this time pulling myself forward until we were snug, there was almost no space left between us. “And I’m getting old “He sat up straighter and I rested my cheek against his back, closing my eyes, inhaling the scent of the pine trees around us. We swayed with the steady sound of the horse’s hooves on the dirt road. The cool morning air kept me cool, even as my body warmed where we touched. My jeans caught his, but his t-shirt felt soft under my bare arms. From what I’d heard from the kids at school, this was what I imagined it was like to be drunk or high, reaching a level of happiness and bliss that could only be achieved with help. Arms, chest, cheek. My whole self was pressed against Manning’s solid body – it was my drug of choice.

Was sixteen too young to fall in love? I might have thought that before Manning. Could he love me back, a man seven years older? I was sure that if he did, he would never admit it. But I would wait for it. Even I understood that for a while, our age mattered. There was no time for us. Eighteen years was a lifetime. It was another whole school year, another long summer. It was millions of breaths inevitably getting stuck in my throat around him and thousands of pages read through so many books and hundreds of long sunny days in California. But the wait was undoubtedly worth it. The horse slowed down. I opened my eyes but didn’t look up. We were now at the lake. A few cabins were canoeing. Because she was as familiar to me as my own reflection, but also because she was shouting across the water to some of her daughters, my gaze went straight to Tiffany.

Her canoe tipped, and for a second I thought she might fall. She grabbed the edges, steadied herself, and sat up. His campers pointed at the procession of horses, waving at us. Tiffany shielded her eyes.

I turned my head away, resting my other cheek against Manning’s back as I tightened my grip on him. Tiffany didn’t know what she had, what she could have.

As much as this frustrated me, I was grateful.