In The Name of Love
14: Indecisive

Minna had hoped that a walk in the courtyard would help her thoughts settle and give her peace. However, walking with Fifi and Lise and Greta is more stressful than anything else, with the two maids trying to get the princesses to talk about Minna’s suitors. While doing so is not expressly forbidden, Minna has no desire to feed any rumor mill or risk her opinions making their way to the suitors’ ears, especially if they were to be distorted in the gossip chain. Fifi deflects their questions and chatters long, distracting tangents, but the maids are relentless, and so they all return to the princesses’ suite with Minna clenching her teeth in frustration.

There, Minna turns to her instruments for respite, but she cannot focus on any song long enough to finish playing it, no matter whether she plays the violin or the harpsichord or the flute. With a sigh of frustration, she sets the flute aside and drops her head into her hands.

“You don’t have to decide which one to marry tonight,” Fifi reminds Minna, sitting beside her.

“I know.”

“It seemed clear enough to me, during the interviews, which ones to keep and which ones to send home.”

“Yes. That much is plain to me, as well. That’s not the issue.”

“Father is right about one thing. Three days isn’t enough time to fall in love.”

“Or even to be sure the one I choose is a decent person. How can we know they are being genuine?”

“I think Casimiro and Emiliano are genuinely repugnant.”

Minna laughs, but her laughter is hollow. I envy her boldness. Even here in our private rooms, I dare not say such things, in case someone is eavesdropping, she laments silently.

“I’ll gladly tell them so, if you like,” Fifi continues. “Father is already displeased with me most of the time. It’s not like I can make it worse.”

“Please don’t. It would only antagonize him, which is unpleasant for everyone,” Minna replies. Her green eyes meet her sister’s brown ones, willing Fifi to understand. “And assuming I do as he wishes and marry one of their brothers, I’ll still have to see them—”

“All the more reason to choose someone else. Lord Mathias and Lord Ingemar were both admirable in their interviews, and there’s always Prince Didier—”

“Please don’t.”

“Don’t what? You’re the one who asked him—”

“Yes, I know. But I also know how Father reacted, and—”

“Father’s not the one marrying one of these suitors, Minna! Father won’t have to share a life with any of them. Father won’t have to share a bed and have children with any of them. Why should Father—”

“Because it’s not just about me and my happiness! What’s best for Aethyrozia should matter at least as much.”

Fifi sighs and shakes her head, arms folded across her chest.

Minna’s head drops back into her hands. She’ll never understand, she despairs. I’m facing the biggest decision of my life, and for the first time Fifi’s no help at all.

“I’ll be right back,” Fifi mutters. Purposeful footsteps leave Minna alone in their shared study. For what? Minna wonders. You’ve made your points quite clear. And I understand where you’re coming from. But I have to choose one of these men tomorrow night, and I’ll be stuck with him for the rest of my life. Three days isn’t enough time to fall in love, so I should at least do my best to make sure I’m doing what’s best for our country, for our people. Even if I’m unhappy, I can at least take solace in that.

Footsteps approach Minna, and then someone settles next to her on the settee. Minna looks up to replace her mother beside her.

“Minna, darling,” Queen Ingrid greets her, opening her arms. Minna collapses against her mother’s chest. Despite her best efforts, tears start pouring from her eyes and sobs tear from her throat. “There, there, sweetheart. You’re all right. This is hard, I know. But you still have a little time. You don’t have to decide everything now.”

For a while, Minna just cries in her mother’s arms. In all her years of preparing for her Quest for Favor, she never expected to feel so hopeless and overwhelmed by the magnitude of the decision in front of her.

“Mother…. How do I know who best to choose?” Minna asks shakily once she runs out of tears.

“Oh, Minna. I can’t answer that. I went to the Ball when your father was picking a bride just hoping to have a good time. I’d only had a few conversations with him, always in passing, pleasantries at banquets and the like, before that night. And I wasn’t consulted about it. Your father chose me, and my parents settled the details with his. Just…. Decide what it is you want most for your future self, and make your choice based on that.”

“What I want most…?”

“You really seem to like Prince Didier, and he’s an admirable young man. Charming, tactful, and he’ll likely make an excellent king in Vyrunia.”

“I do like him, but he’s not a prince of Syazonia, and….”

“Yes, your father has made his wishes quite clear. But your wishes also matter. Your sister is right that this is your choice and no one else’s.”

“But we’re princesses, not just people. Fifi doesn’t seem to understand that.”

“I think Fifi feels that you are people, not just princesses.” Queen Ingrid pauses a moment, letting her words hang in the air. “But if it’s status you’re concerned with, and you want to honor your father’s wishes, Prince Adalberto would also make you a queen one day. Is that what you want?”

“You as much as said it yourself. He shouldn’t be here. He’s still grieving so deeply, and I think I would be, too. He’ll be an excellent king, but…I’d always be competing with the ghost of Valeriya, I think.”

“That may be so. But he shares your concern for putting your country and your people before yourself. I think you could forge a true partnership with him, if you want to be a queen.”

“And…if I’m not sure? If I don’t want to be a queen?”

“You and Prince Lisandro share a love of music, and he’s closer to your age, pleasant, handsome, and third in line for the throne. There would be less pressure, to be sure, than you might experience as the wife of Prince Didier or Prince Adalberto.”

“Do you think I could be happy with him? Would he be a good ruler?”

“You can ask him more questions while you dance with him tomorrow night to better know the latter. As for the former…I think the two of you are well suited. But ultimately only you can answer that question. And you’re no more well suited to him than you are to some of the other young men who are competing for your hand.”

Minna sighs heavily. “Mother…. That doesn’t help me decide.”

“I can’t make the decision for you, Minna dear. Neither can—or should—anyone else.” Queen Ingrid’s eyes flash a warning to her eldest daughter. “And for right now, all you need to know for certain is which of the suitors you’ve interviewed today aren’t invited to tomorrow’s Ball. Let tomorrow worry about itself, and use the Ball to your best advantage. Chuezoh willing, the right choice will be clear to you by tomorrow night.”