In The Name of Love
37: Haunted

“You’re all right,” Kai mumbles into Fifi’s hair as she continues to cry against his shoulder. He’s trying to reassure himself as much as he’s trying to comfort her. How did we even get here? he wonders, thinking back over the events that led to a princess crying in his arms. His hand had caught hers as she passed him without conscious thought, and gentle as a dove. She could have easily pulled away, kept going, and left him here—but she didn’t, and now…. If anyone sees us like this, I’ll be lucky if I’m banished instead of executed. He does his best to shift them further into the alcove where he found Fifi. It’s not much, and she’s not crying quietly, but he hopes the distance will buy them enough time, if he hears a door open or footsteps, to save his skin.

A gust of wind slaps the window featuring Saint Gustavus with a sheet of rain, reminding Kai why he came to the Royal Library instead of studying plants in a courtyard or going riding with Ingemar and Karl. He’d remembered Princess Wilhelmina asking him, during the Questioning, what books he’d want to read in the Royal Library, and decided that if he couldn’t be outside, reading about the natural world would be the next best thing. Did Fifi come here for the same reason? he asks himself, but he doubts it. A botany text shouldn’t cause this level of distress, this much grief. Every sob makes his heart ache for her. I wish I knew what was wrong, or that I could help somehow. But while she weeps, holding her is the most he can do, and so he does, though his spine is rigid and he’s listening intently for any sign of someone else entering the Royal Library.

The rain continues its assault on Adelhyod. Kai and Fifi remain undisturbed. The flow of Fifi’s tears slows to a trickle and then nothing at all. For a moment, neither of them moves, and the rest of the world fades away. I’m glad I found her here. No one should have to get through that kind of sadness alone, Kai thinks. He pulls her a little closer for a moment before remembering who and where they are and dropping his arms to his sides.

Fifi takes a step back and looks up at him with tearstained eyes. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have….”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Kai tells her, and he means it. “Are you all right?”

Fifi shrugs and sniffles. “I will be. Probably. But….” She glances around, and her eyes widen. “We shouldn’t be here. Like this.”

“Probably not.” She takes another step away from him, and he turns towards the nearest bookshelf. “I was just looking for a book on botany or zoology or the like, because of the rain….”

“We don’t have much, but they’re on the other side of the room, next alcove towards the door, bottom shelf.”

“Thank you.” Kai takes a step in that direction, then stops and looks back at her. “Can I ask…what you….?”

“Not here,” Fifi whispers, then pauses for a moment, as if listening for something.

“Have you heard the story of the ghost of Mathilde?” she asks him in a normal speaking voice, catching him off-guard.

“No?”

“She was a great-great-great aunt of mine, or something. They say she died of the wasting sickness, and that her spirit still haunts her old rooms in this very castle. It’s the suite at the northwest corner, on the second floor. Supposedly rainy spring days like this are when she’s most active. I wonder if it’s true….”

With that, Fifi starts to meander towards the door. On the way, she points towards one of the alcoves in the bookshelves. “The ones you’re looking for are in there,” she calls over her shoulder, and then she’s pushed through the ornate doors, leaving Kai staring after her.

“What brought that on?” he mutters, trudging towards the alcove she indicated. She was right; there aren’t many books on natural sciences or the natural world at all. He picks one up and starts to flip through it, but nothing in its pages catches his eye; his thoughts are elsewhere. Why bring that up? Was she here reading ghost stories? Does she even believe in ghosts? he wonders, but none of that seems to fit. Fifi is mischievous, a rule breaker, but not superstitious in any way.

She said she wouldn’t talk here…and then…. Realization strikes him—the odd story was an invitation, cryptic and seemingly innocuous in case someone happened to walk in and replace them talking. Kai puts the useless book in his hands back on the shelf where he found it and leaves the Royal Library, hoping he can replace the supposedly haunted suite without asking for directions. A passing servant had been more than happy to direct him to the Royal Library, but he suspects asking for help tracking down a ghost might be less well received.

Kai pauses and considers for a moment. The window depicting Saint Gustavus and his dragon faces west, based on the light, and she said the northwest corner, second floor…. He starts walking north down the corridor. Perhaps two dozen paces later, he replaces a door left ajar. Behind it is a narrow staircase, leading up. Before teaching Fifi Cybarein in the courtyards of Adelhyod, Kai might have thought this was a trap, but now he takes the stairs to the second floor without hesitation. At the top he turns north again. A single door faces him, just a few paces away. He approaches it slowly and tries the handle.

To his surprise, the door swings open with a creak and a groan, revealing a room that has fallen into some disrepair. The air is stale and musty. Cobwebs adorn every corner. The furniture and floor are covered with dust, except for a trail that seems to have been left by a lady’s skirts. Sure enough, Fifi stands at the end of the trail between two narrow windows.

“I thought you could take a hint,” she smiles as he closes the door behind him.

“Weird hint,” he remarks. “I didn’t think you were the type to believe in ghosts.”

“I’m not. We—Minna, Emrik, and I—heard about Mathilde, along with many other, more boring relatives, in our history lessons one winter. Our tutor was very superstitious and swore that Mathilde’s ghost lingers here, and Emrik and I decided it would be good fun to…take advantage of that. Any chance we got, we would come here and make wailing noises, rearrange furniture, light the fireplace and the candles…anything we could think of.”

Kai laughs incredulously. “Minna didn’t join in?”

Fifi wrinkles her nose and shakes her head. “Minna didn’t approve. It’s honestly a miracle she didn’t tattle on us. But she didn’t, for whatever reason, and Emrik and I were good enough at covering our tracks that the servants all started to believe these rooms are haunted. Now none of them will even come to clean. Guests never stay here. It’s wasted space. But safe.”

“Thank you, for considering….”

“I don’t want either of us to be in any trouble. Especially…. You didn’t have to stay, to ask, or anything—”

“I couldn’t leave you there, upset like that.”

“You could have. I deserve…worse, probably. Much worse.”

“What do you mean?”

Fifi sighs and gently settles herself on a dust-draped chair. Kai glances around at the dilapidated space and decides he would rather remain standing, at least for the time being.

“It started at Minna’s Quest for Favor. You probably guessed that,” Fifi begins, staring into middle distance, her voice low. “But Prince Didier…”

Kai listens attentively as she tells him how much her sister liked Prince Didier and how hurt she was when he left before the end. His guts clench into knots when she tells him about the note she got from Prince Didier that night, and hearing her tell of the betrayal and pain in Minna’s reaction is heartbreaking. Hearing how she replied to the prince brings Kai grim satisfaction—serves him right.

“I thought that’d be the end of it. Who would still have hope, after a note like that?” Fifi says. “But then, today…. Mother and the Vyrunian ambassador came to our suite, and they had a note for Minna and all this expensive fabric—wedding gifts from that Vyrunian prince! As if they could make up for….” She chokes up and shakes her head.

That must have been what the fanfare I heard was for, when I was asking that servant for directions, Kai realizes.

“Did he mean them as an apology?” he asks.

“Maybe. I didn’t read the note, didn’t stay for the explanation, because…. Because of his first note…. I never had any interest in him, never tried to win him over. I would never betray Minna like that, and as Father kept saying, her Quest for Favor wasn’t about me. But now I’m afraid….”

Cold, leaden understanding settles over Kai like a damp cloak. She’s afraid he’s trying to win her over, he thinks, but something keeps him from saying it out loud.

“It’s not your fault. None of this is. You’re not responsible for that prince’s choices,” he assures her instead.

Fifi shakes her head, and tears come back into her eyes. “Minna doesn’t deserve this. And I’d almost prefer that awful lout Emiliano to someone like Didier, trying to buy his way into others’ good graces…. It’s despicable.”

“I agree. But you should have several more options than just those two, shouldn’t you?” He can personally attest to the intentions of at least half a dozen members of the nobility to compete for her.

“I hope so.” Fifi laughs bitterly. “Or else I might be the one to leave my Quest for Favor early.”

“If that’s what you want to do….” Kai hesitates. What he wants to say feels too soon, too drastic, too crazy—far beyond any ideas he’s had before about helping her replace a way out.

“What? Leave my Quest for Favor early?”

“Not exactly. Just…escape from all of…this in general. Is that…something you want?”

Fifi tips her head back to stare at the cobwebby beams of the ceiling. “If you’d asked me before Minna’s Quest for Favor, I would have said no without even thinking about it. But now…. Everything’s different. She’s going away. Mother’s busy all the time. Emrik has his lessons and wouldn’t understand, anyway. And Father…. Well, he made it very clear what he wanted Minna to do in her Quest for Favor, and I….” She looks at Kai again with a glare that rivals King Ansgar’s, and he flinches. “I’d rather die than marry someone without love, just because he said so. That’s no life for me.”

“Understandable. I’m sure I couldn’t live that way, either.”

“You don’t have to. No one else in this dratted castle is expected to, except Minna, who doesn’t see it the same way I do. You’re the only one who’s actually listened to me without making me feel like I’m crazy or being unreasonable.” Her gaze is intense, searching him for answers he doesn’t have. Kai replaces himself looking at the dusty floor so that he can figure out what to say to her.

“Some people just aren’t meant to live in the circumstances they’re born to.” He would know; he feels the same way about his family and their expectations for him.

“But what choice do any of us have? We’re cast in our roles and forced to play them, whether or not the part really fits.”

“Maybe…Cybarei will offer you another role. Another way.”

“Like what? Turning into a raven permanently?”

Kai can’t help but smile a little bit. “I don’t know of any cybrinn who can do that. But Cybarei still might offer…other ways to escape. If you decide you want to.”

“I’ll think about it.” Fifi pauses, then turns alert. In the same moment, Kai hears indistinct voices, somewhere outside the room. His heart is suddenly in his throat.

“Tell me more next lesson,” she whispers, then glides to the door, motioning for him to stay where he is. They wait without speaking until the voices fade away. “Count to 1,000 before you leave here.”

And then she slips out of the room, leaving Kai with the dust and the cobwebs and a heart full of conflicted feelings.