In The Name of Love
41: Joy

“We did it!” Fifi exults, twirling with joy as the dove they saved vanishes into the sky above Adelhyod. “I can’t believe it. We really did it!” Nothing has ever made her feel so fulfilled and joyful as watching the dove regain its strength and fly away as though it was never injured. She turns to Kai, beaming, expecting that he feels the same way she does in this moment and wanting to share it with him.

To her surprise, Kai is still on the ground under the birch tree, looking at her with a small smile that doesn’t hide the sadness in his eyes.

“What’s the matter?” she asks. In an instant, all her joy has become concern for him, and she’s beside him on the ground again a moment later.

“Nothing,” he answers with brightness Fifi knows is forced. “That was…amazing.”

“We saved her, thanks to you.”

“No, thanks to you. I hardly did anything—”

“I wouldn’t have known what to do, where to begin, without you. I knew that you could help her, but I never dreamed that I’d be able to have even the smallest part in healing anything…”

“You have the Chyal’lelseh.” He says the unfamiliar word matter-of-factly, as though she should know exactly what it means.

“The…chyal lel seh?” she repeats.

“The Calling of Cybarei. You’re a true cybrinn. And…I’m proud of you. The way you handled yourself…. You’re a natural.” He’s smiling again, but it still doesn’t reach his eyes.

What aren’t you telling me? Fifi wonders.

“Thank you. Um…. Have you ever done that before?”

“Not without Sigurd,” he admits, turning his gaze to the ground between his feet. “I think I was just as scared as you were. And we’re really lucky that no one else was out here, that no one saw….”

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking about anything except saving her.”

“It’s all right. Under this tree is a good place.” He glances around them. “No direct views from any windows, with these rhododendrons and boxwood on all sides. You chose a good spot.”

“I’m glad. And grateful to you, for knowing what to do and being willing to try—”

“It was the right thing to do. The only thing I could do, once I saw….” His eyes meet hers for a moment and then return to the ground. A muscle in his jaw twitches and his hands ball up into fists by his sides.

“Kai….”

He flinches when she says his name, and her voice trails off. For a moment, neither of them speaks. Fifi is practically bursting with concern and curiosity.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” she tells him. “But…if I can help at all, with whatever’s bothering you…. I’m here.”

A soft groan escapes Kai’s lips. “I want to kiss you,” he admits, so soft that for a moment Fifi wonders if she’s misheard. But the longing in his deep hazel eyes as he looks at her again is unmistakable.

Butterflies fill her midsection and her cheeks flush warm. “Then kiss me,” she invites with a shy smile. Her heart flutters in her chest and her nerves tingle with anticipation.

Kai’s eyes widen and his mouth opens and closes a few times, searching for words. “I…um…. Do you…I mean…. Are you sure? If your father—”

“He’ll never know.” Impulsively, Fifi leans closer to Kai, almost close enough for their lips to touch but not quite. A moment later, Kai’s lips meet hers, as gentle as he’d been with the dove. Her eyes close of their own accord. She kisses back, shy and unsure—am I doing this right? Has he done this before?—and then he scoots closer to her, cupping her face with one hand. Warmth rushes through her. One of her hands replaces his shoulder and then tangles in his hair, pulling it loose from the leather string that held it in a knot at the back of his head.

“He could have me killed for this,” Kai mutters against Fifi’s lips as they break for air, but then he kisses her again hungrily, as though he can’t help himself.

“He won’t. I won’t let him,” Fifi promises, pulling slightly away. With his hair loose around his face, he looks more wild and unsuited to Court than she’s ever seen him. “You should wear your hair like this all the time.”

“I do, in the woods at home.” Their lips meet again, soft and sweet.

“I like it this way.” Her fingertips dance in his hair, tracing circles on the back of his head.

“I like you.” More kisses, leaning into each other.

“I like you, too.”

A window shutter bangs somewhere in the courtyard, startling them apart. The breeze in Fifi’s hair tells her it might have just been the wind, but that doesn’t stop her eyes from darting around them, and Kai is doing the same.

“We shouldn’t have done that. Not here, in daylight, when anyone could have walked by and seen….” he says under his breath.

“Maybe not. But we did. And…I would do it again,” Fifi admits.

Kai smiles and his eyes drop to her lips, as though he wants to take her up on that. “I would, too. Every time.” He replaces his leather hair string on the ground and starts to scrape his hair into a low ponytail.

“Do you have to do that?”

“Yes. Like it or not, we’re still at Court. And you’re still a princess.”

Fifi sighs and turns away from him. “That shouldn’t matter.”

“Maybe not. But it does.”

“To you?”

“Only in that it makes…this more difficult.” His hand replaces hers on the ground between them.

“With you I’m just Fifi. No title, no etiquette, no pretense—”

“I know. That’s part of why I’m so drawn to you.” She turns to look at him again. He’s wearing the same sad smile he was after she’d released the dove to the sky. “If we were the same rank, I would go to your father and ask for permission to court you properly. But as things are….”

Fifi nods. She can imagine how her father might react to such a request from Kai. His fears that he might have him killed for kissing her aren’t unfounded.

“Will you compete, when my Quest for Favor comes?” she asks after a few moments of uncomfortable silence.

“My father will insist upon it, regardless of my personal inclinations.”

Fifi arches an eyebrow at him. “If you don’t want to—”

“It’s not…. I just don’t think you should be treated as a prize to be won.”

“Maybe not. But this way I get some choice in the question of marriage. Other princesses aren’t so lucky.”

“Some choice,” Kai repeats. “Would your father even let you choose me?”

Anger flares hot in Fifi’s chest. “It’s not his decision whom I choose.”

“You say that, but you also said your sister—”

“I’m not Minna.” Tears prick the backs of her eyes. “I’ve already told you, I won’t marry someone just because he wants me to.”

“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to offend you. I’m just…concerned. For both of us.”

“Cybarein is at least as much of a risk.”

“All the more reason to be concerned. And careful.”

Fifi sighs, hating that Kai is right. Although they’re in one of Adelhyod’s largest courtyard, she feels like the walls are closing in on her. “So we’ll be careful. More careful than we have been.”

“Do you still want to meet for lessons?”

“If you’re still willing to teach me.”

“Your gift deserves honing.” He smiles again, this time with a bit of mischief in it. “And I want to see you again.”

“You will. Day after tomorrow?”

“The courtyard with the fish pond, where we first met?”

“Yes.” Fifi gets up and brushes dust and grass from her skirts, frowning a bit at the stains on them. Greta and Lise won’t be pleased, she thinks. Oh well. They’d be less pleased if they knew how she got them, but she doesn’t intend to breathe a word about this afternoon to anyone. “Until then…” She waves to Kai briefly, then walks away from him without so much as a backward glance, despite the aching thudding of her heart in her chest.

Caution has never been Fifi’s style. But this is unlike anything else she’s ever done before. Keeping Kai safe, and continuing to learn Cybarein, is worth every ounce of caution she can muster.