In The Name of Love
46: Contemplation

A/N: Hey all. Sorry I skipped uploading last week. Part of it was traveling for the holidays, and part of it was that I've been in a bit of a slump for writing and I didn't have much written and proofread. I've been able to write more recently, though, so here's a new chapter and a hope that I'll be consistent with uploads in 2023. Enjoy!

Fifi stares into her armoire in the dressing room she shares with Minna, biting her lower lip as she regards her dresses. She’s been asked to decide which ones she will take with her to Syazonia for Minna’s wedding festivities, but that question won’t stay in her mind for more than a moment or two at a time. Instead she wonders which, if any, items from her current wardrobe might be suitable for running away into the forest.

He asked me to run away with him, she marvels for the fifty-ninth time as she contemplates a simple light brown frock with bluebells embroidered around the neckline, cuffs, and hem. I think even this dress is too fitted and embellished to pass for a commoner’s clothes. But how would I know? Fifi can count on one hand the number of times she has left Adelhyod for more than a brief foray into the countryside for a picnic. She has seen little of life outside the palace, though she longs to know more.

Would we even be able to live that way? Fifi wonders, cold dread settling in her stomach as she realizes that she and Kai would be alone, with no servants to wash clothes or cook or do anything for them. Her lessons have been in arts and languages and mathematics, not practical household skills. And as an Earl’s son and heir, it’s likely that his education has been similarly impractical for living on our own in the woods, she realizes. He’s been a cybrinn longer, and we could probably grow whatever plants we need to eat, but will that be enough? She has no idea how to answer her own question, nor whom she might ask. Revealing that she has been seeing someone would be the end of Kai, and the end of any chance she might have at freedom and choosing her own fate.

“What have you decided, Princess Josefina?” Lise asks as she walks into the dressing room, startling Fifi out of her reverie. She turns to face her maid, still holding the soft dove-grey bell sleeve of one of her simple dresses in one hand.

“That one’s a bit plain for your sister’s wedding, don’t you think?” Lise remarks.

“Yes, but not for traveling,” Fifi counters, her expression thoughtful. Maybe there’s a way to ask her… “I’ve never been so far from Adelhyod before as Zosya. And I’ll be away from home for weeks…. I’ll need to pack more than just gowns for the festivities.”

“Aye, that’s true. This is a good traveling dress. But we can pack traveling clothes from what you already have, to be sure. The question we must answer today is whether you need any new gowns made while our seamstresses are making Princess Wilhelmina’s trousseau.” Lise’s tone is patient, but Fifi hasn’t missed the exasperation in the little lines around her mouth and eyes.

“I know, and I’m trying, but…I’ll get to see so many new things! Have you traveled that way before? What is life like for people without titles, outside of Adelhyod?”

“Your Highness, you’ve asked me that question a dozen times if you’ve asked me once since I joined your household. Is now really the time?”

“Bear with me, please, Lise,” Fifi pleads. She’s long since given up on getting Lise, the oldest and most experienced member of her household, to call her by anything other than her title. “You’ve told me about cottages and farms and market days, and I’m grateful for that. But I can’t help wondering…. What if, as we’re traveling, the carriages break down or get stuck in the mud, or we get lost, or I get kidnapped by bandits? I’ve always had you and Greta and Agda, and others, and the cooks, and the seamstresses, and so on to take care of me, and I’m afraid—”

“Princess, you’ll be perfectly safe, I assure you. I’ve heard that you’ll have no fewer than six-and-thirty armed guards accompanying you on your journey, along with yours and your sister’s attendants.”

“Six-and-thirty!” Fifi exclaims. “So many. Then Father must be expecting danger of some kind. What if something does go horribly wrong? Do you think I could make it on my own? Even for just a few days?” Please just answer the question, she adds silently, hoping that Lise will buy her performance.

Lise sighs. “I’ve never known you to be so worried about anything, Your Highness. But I think you’d do all right, if you found a village. You’d have things to trade for food and lodging, and you’ve always been kind and considerate. People would want to help you.”

“And in the wilderness?”

“That’s another thing. I’m no better equipped for that than you are. But you don’t have to worry about that,” Lise replies with finality. “Your guards will protect you every step of the way and bring you safely home. We just have to decide what you’ll have to wear in Syazonia.”

Fifi nods. She’s not entirely satisfied with Lise’s answer, but she doesn’t think she’ll get anything better from her, especially if she doesn’t cooperate and start thinking about her gowns and Minna’s wedding. “Minna’s decided on the purple and gold fabric from Vyrunia for her wedding dress, right?”

“Aye, and she couldn’t have chosen better. She’ll be a vision of loveliness.”

“She always is. I don’t want to compete at all…” Fifi runs her fingers over her gowns, considering. “Maybe I could wear this one?” She pulls out a sage green gown with slashed sleeves, revealing carnation pink satin underneath. The sage overskirt opens in the front to reveal pink satin underneath, embroidered with intricate swirls of sage green ivy. Lace and fancy stitching embellish the bodice.

“Yes, I think Her Majesty will approve of that. It’s very flattering but won’t outdo Princess Wilhelmina,” Lise agrees. “But there will be multiple days of celebration, and you’ll need at least one gown for each…”

“So many,” Fifi groans. “Why not just pack the whole armoire and be done with it?”

“It might come to that. You’ve never been as patient with fittings, or as interested in your clothes, as Princess Wilhelmina. And you certainly don’t consider the laundresses when you spend time in the courtyards.”

Fifi blushes with shame. “I’m sorry. When I see something I want to draw, I forget everything else in an instant. I can’t help it. But I’ll try to be more careful…”

“I’m sure they’d appreciate that. But for now, let’s focus.” Lise takes the sage and carnation gown from Fifi and drapes it over a chair. “Which of your gowns do you like best for dancing in? I know your sister has been hard at work with the Royal Orchestra…”

Fifi and Lise work together to create two piles of dresses for Fifi—one group for dancing and other festivities, the other for traveling. Fifi also replaces the matching shoes for her fancy dresses buried in a corner of the armoire and sets them out neatly to be packed.

“Well then! That wasn’t so bad. And we won’t have to make you anything new, which I’m sure will be as much relief to the seamstresses as it is to you. Thank you, Princess. I’ll have Jonas bring some of your mother’s trunks, and we can start getting these packed properly tomorrow,” Lise says, surveying the gowns and shoes they’ve laid out.

“Thank you for all of your help. I’m sorry I’m so…distracted,” Fifi replies, glancing towards the door to the antechamber, where a puddle of sunlight on the floor indicates she still has daylight to spend outdoors.

“You’re more often distracted than not, Your Highness. I’m not offended. Go outside and draw. Today you’ve earned it.” Lise trundles out of the princesses’ suite, humming to herself, and Fifi wastes no time in dashing through the antechamber to the study to get her sketchbook and pens. She hasn’t made plans to meet Kai today, but she’s hoping to run into him in a courtyard anyway. She has a lot she’d like to discuss with him.