Irreplaceable
Chapter 25

Nora Andrews was the eighth person today to tell Mia that Joe Johnson was having his annual "over the donut" party today. Mia knew it the moment the radio DJ said that they had finally hit zero degrees after weeks of not seeing it that warm in Landstad. Looking out at the falling snow, she wondered how many people would show up this year. It was snowing, and it just happened to be Valentine's Day. Not that it was her favorite holiday, but those in love went all-out for it.

Even on this most romantic of days, she wouldn't even admit the fact to herself that she was married to Rafferty Brooks. Nor did she admit to herself that she was in love with him. And she was never going to. She wasn't stupid enough to fall for him. She had finally made it back home after Mandy's requested conference call, which Mia had turned into a full-on meeting with all book club members present. Mandy had finally revealed to everyone that she had been pregnant for months, and instead of it ending in the miscarriage she had predicted, she had given birth to a live, healthy baby. Which had made Mia especially happy for her cousin.

By the time she had climbed into bed after the worry and excitement from the day, she was suddenly swamped with emotions of how she had treated Rafferty. Admittedly, she had spent seven hours on her cousin's couch, just letting the guilt overwhelm her. By the time Rafferty had knocked on the door, everything was his fault, and she had let him have it. Inaccurately.

It had all been her fault. Mia, herself, should have just admitted that she had been consumed by their relationship and had let everything else take second place, or maybe last place. If she hadn't hidden it from everyone, she could've been there for her cousin and anyone else she hadn't had time for over the last two weeks instead of avoiding everyone.

Looking back, she knew she should have just asked about the rumors about the blonde, but at the time, all she could feel was embarrassed. Embarrassed that she wasn't enough to keep him happy, embarrassed that she had let herself be with him when she knew how it would end, embarrassed that she had let herself believe she was the kind of woman he would want. Mousy, plain Mia Lawson.

For hours that day, she had let herself dwell on that spring day almost half a lifetime ago when for one brief night, she had let herself believe that Rafferty Brooks would be interested in her. Her, who worked at the café every day after school to earn much needed money. The same Mia Lawson who got straight As without even trying and wore the big glasses because her parents couldn't afford a nicer pair. Plain Mia Lawson, who was overweight and unpopular.

It was prom night, she had no date, and he had gone with Gaby McIntosh. Gaby was a senior and active with the boys in school, so it was no surprise when her date was a recent graduate from Landstad High. It had broken Mia's heart a little since she'd had a crush on Rafferty since the eighth grade.

So, when the girls started to make fun of Mia and her not-quite-s*xy hand-me-down dress, she decided she'd had enough and would just go home early. Leaving the school during prom was against the rules, but Mia didn't care. She was done. It was the last school dance she would attend.

On her way to her car, Rafferty had caught up to her and talked to her for the first time. They had spent almost an hour leaning against her car, talking about the school and shared memories. Future plans of getting out of Landstad and being adults. How they went from talking to k1ssing, Mia still didn't know, and how they made it to the nearly empty apartment above his dad's insurance office was also lost to passion and time. The rest of the night was seared into her memory, not to be replaced until she was back in his bed all these years later.

Back then, when she had woken up, she was alone. He was gone without a trace, and she wouldn't hear from him for six years. Not until he came back to town to work with his dad. Then he didn't acknowledge that he had taken her virginity that night or spent a moment with her.

And she never acknowledged that he took her heart that night and never gave that back. Even now, he carried it around, not even caring that he had it. And no matter what she did, she never got it back.

But she had stopped trying over the last year, only admitting to herself deep in the lonely night that she would never need it again anyway. It was his for the keeping. And she had messed it all up.

As he paid for his cheeseburger and onion rings, Lane Hanson became the ninth person to tell her of the party that she would not attend this year. This was one of her favorite parties, but this year, she didn't have the heart for it. Rafferty had that.

Valentine's Day was her most hated holiday in her perpetual singlehood. This year it seemed everyone was paired up. Not only were Ruth and Anderson out of town, but Natalie and Hazel and their men were going to Grand Forks for supper. Mandy was still in the hospital with her premature baby, and Tess and Math were spending the night with their kids, leaving Mia alone. Not that any of them noticed. They never did.

In fact, nobody ever noticed. Everyone always just assumed she was doing something with someone else. But she rarely was. Her nights were mostly spent in front of the TV and going to bed early so that she could get up early for work. All alone.

It was late afternoon, and she was trying to get her aunt Dolly off her back about replaceing a nice boy to settle down with, like Mandy and her sister Kit had done recently. Though Mia was surprised that neither sister pointed out that the Nordskov sisters had found love for the second time this time around, they usually did.

Dotty was sitting across from her, agreeing completely with her big sister about the state of Mia's love life. Or lack of love life, which was more true.

"You just have to put yourself out there," Dolly told her with an authority she didn't deserve since she had no part in any of her kids replaceing love. "How much more out there should I be? I work here," Mia pointed out.

"I guess more. This isn't working, Mia. Look at Mandy. She looked a little and found Hue," Dolly gloated.

She rolled her eyes at her aunt's words. Since Mandy and Hue had always known each other and lived across the hall from each other when they fell in love, that meant Mandy had only looked a little. Not that she begrudged her cousin even a little, but it was not the same.

"Have you looked online? I hear that's how the young people are replaceing each other these days," her own mother stated.

"No, Mom, I have not," Mia said, as if Landstad and its surrounding towns had some hidden bachelors who were only on the internet. Besides, Mia had checked out the popular site, and there wasn't anyone worth joining for. "You should try it," Dolly said.

At the front of the restaurant, the door opened, and her husband walked in, right in the middle of her mom trying to replace her a man. What would her mom say if she told her she didn't need a husband because she already had one? But instead, she bit her lip and watched him talk to another waitress.

"I'll pay for it, Mia. If you don't want to," her mom was saying about online dating as she watched Rafferty give the waitress a pink bag. Her new young waitress, who wasn't even nineteen yet. Was he dating her? She hadn't heard he was seeing anyone, not that she was paying attention. But her own waitress?

She watched him smile his s*xy smile at her as he handed her the bag. Today, he was wearing his bulky coat that hid all his hard muscles that Mia loved to touch. Or used to, back when she could touch them.

"No, Mom," she stated firmly, maybe too firmly.

"Okay, Mia, but you will never get married if you don't try," Dotty said as Mia walked away from them.

Mia didn't care that the conversation with the sisters had ended early she walked to the front of the café as he walked out the door, taking the last of her desire to stay at work with him. He hadn't even ordered anything while he was there. Not even the heart- shaped meatloaf, and everyone was ordering that today.

"Mia, Rafferty dropped this off for you. He said it was from Ruth and Anderson for Valentine's Day." Paige held out the bag Rafferty had given her.

"Paige, I know you haven't worked here long, but you can't flirt with the customers." Mia chastised her for no reason. But he was still her husband, and so far, she hadn't come up with a plan to make him her ex-husband, nor had she tried.

"I'm sorry, Mia, I haven't flirted with anyone. I swear," Paige said with her innocent eyes as she looked around the café, as if the man she had flirted with was still there. "Rafferty," was all she said to the younger woman.

The face the young woman gave her said she didn't see Rafferty worth flirting with. Mia just waved her away as she took the bag from her hand. Looking down at it, she remembered his gift from last year. Funny how she had forgotten the pregnancy test of the previous year. She wondered how her life would've changed if the test had come back positive back then. That was the night Tess's daughter was conceived. Would she and Rafferty be as happy as Tess and Math were these days? Or would they be just as separated as they were now, but with a baby to shuffle between them?

But the present hadn't been from him anyway, it was from Ruth. But really what would Ruth give her for Valentine's Day? Resisting the temptation to look, she went back to her mom and aunt's table and steered the conversation to their grandbabies. Mandy's surprise baby had ticked off Dotty a little, as if Dolly had been hiding the pregnancy instead of her daughter to spite her sister. And to Mia's delight, that made her put pressure on her married daughters to produce more children. Her sisters deserved a little of their mom's pressure. By the time three and the end of her day rolled around, Mia was more than ready to leave behind the meatloaf special and go home. Happily, she shed her work clothes and put on pajama pants and a Landstad Tigers sweatshirt to watch a few Valentine's movies. As she found a good one, she picked up the pink bag to see what Ruth had gotten her.

Inside the bag was the movie Sleepless in Seattle and a post-it note that said:

If you want to watch You've Got Mail, it starts at eight. If you want to watch them both together, I'm home at five. Pizza will be served. Rafferty

Was he asking her out? On Valentine's Day? Was he luring her to his house with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks?

Was it working?

The movie on the screen had lost her interest. Staring at the DVD in her hand, she wondered what it meant. And what would happen if she actually went over there. Well, she knew what would happen, but what would happen tomorrow. Looking at the clock, she saw she had just over an hour to figure it out. But the more she thought, the more she knew what she should do. What she needed to do. Going into her bedroom, she looked through the boxes on the floor in her closet where she kept her movie collection, the collection that she already had both the movies mentioned. Grabbing what she was looking for, she slid it into the pink bag and put on her coat, hat, and mittens for the short walk. Before she left the apartment, she grabbed her half-empty bottle of whiskey, and out the door she went.

Her feet still knew the way to his place, so she didn't have to think about the walk, just the destination in the falling snow. Once there, she let herself in; the door was unlocked. She took off her outerwear, hanging everything in the coat closet next to the front door. He wasn't there, but it was before five, so she assumed he was still working.

Putting the bag of DVDs on the coffee table, she saw the movie he had mentioned already there. Still in plastic and a price tag on it from a big box store, meaning he had planned this entire thing out. That made Mia feel a little special.

Going into the kitchen, she looked around for a while and then decided on what to make him for supper. She wasn't up for frozen pizza. By the time he walked in the door at 5:05 p.m., the house smelled of baked chicken and roasted potatoes. "You didn't have to cook," Rafferty said from the kitchen doorway, not mentioning she hadn't been there in a month.

"I didn't want frozen pizza." She didn't mention it either. Or that their last conversation was a huge fight.

"Thank you It smells great."

"Thanks, it was nothing. It's almost ready. You can get the movie ready, and I'll bring the food out. Eating on the couch, right?"

"Sure. Which did you want to start with?" He didn't apologize.

"You forgot the first one in the collection, so I brought that one. We have to start there." Neither did she.

By the time they sat down to eat, he had changed into sweatpants and a T-shirt to match her lounge p*nts and sweatshirt. Even his shirt had a tiger on it. Once the movie started, they talked about everything from the plot to the characters to the actors who played them. But nothing about anything that had happened in Landstad, North Dakota, ever. Once the second movie started, they had settled into a pleasant silence that was comforting to them both, bringing back memories of their short two weeks together. Before that movie had finished, Mia was sleeping in Rafferty's arms. It had been so comfortable to be there that she had let it happen. She didn't even try to stay awake, just let herself be with him one more time. Just be exactly where she wanted to be, one more time.