It Starts with Us: A Novel (2) (It Ends with Us)
It Starts with Us: Chapter 25

“What time did you get home last night?” Josh asks. He’s shuffling into the kitchen wearing two different socks: one of them a new one I bought him and one of them mine. Theo and Josh were asleep when I got home, but I still woke up three hours before they did. Brad just left with Theo about twenty minutes ago.

“That’s none of your business.” I point at the table, where Josh’s homework sits unfinished. He promised he would do it yesterday if I let Theo spend the night, but I have a feeling the video games and manga and anime got in the way. “You didn’t do your homework?”

Josh looks at the pile of papers and then back at me. “No.”

“Get to it.” I say that with confidence, but I have no idea how to do this. I’ve never had to tell a kid to do homework before. I don’t even know how to ground him if he doesn’t do his homework. I feel like I’m acting. I am. I’m an imposter.

“I’m not avoiding it,” Josh says. “I just can’t do it.”

“Is it too hard? What is it, math?”

“No, I did the math. Math is easy. It’s this stupid shit I have to do for computer class.”

“Stupid crap,” I say, correcting him. I think. Maybe “stupid crap” is just as bad. I sit down next to Josh to see what it is he’s having trouble with. He slides the assignment in front of me, and I look over it.

It’s a research assignment about ancestry. There are five things required for the term, and one of them is a family tree that was due on Friday. The other is a generational assignment using an ancestry website that’s due next Friday.

“We’re supposed to replace our relatives using some website. I don’t know any of their names or even where to start,” he says. “Do you?”

I shake my head. “Not really. I met Sutton’s father once, but he died when I was a kid. I don’t even remember his name.”

“What about my dad’s parents?” Josh asks.

“I don’t know anything about his family, either.”

Josh takes the papers from me. “They really should stop having kids do these things; no one has normal families anymore.”

“You’re right, actually.” I hear a text ping on my phone in the kitchen, so I stand up to go check it.

“Did you ever try to replace my dad for me?” Josh asks.

I did try, but Tim never responded to the voice mail I left him. I just don’t want to tell Josh that because I know it’ll be disappointing. I pick up my phone but walk back to Josh before looking at my texts. “I haven’t had a chance to really look into it yet. You sure you want me to?”

Josh nods. “He might want to hear from me. I’m sure Sutton has done everything she can to keep us apart.”

I feel a stab of concern in the center of my chest. I was hoping Josh would be comfortable enough here to not want to replace his dad, but that was a ridiculous hope. He’s a twelve-year-old boy. Of course he wants to replace his father.

“I’ll help you try to replace him.” I point to the papers. “But do what you can with that for now. As long as you try, they can’t give you a bad grade for not knowing your grandparents.”

Josh leans over his work, and I finally look down at the text. It’s from Lily.

Can I call you?

She should know she can call me any second of the day, and I would answer. I take my phone to my room and call her without texting her back. She picks up in the middle of the first ring.

“Hey,” she says.

“Hi.”

“What are you doing?”

“Helping Josh with his homework. Trying to pretend I’m not thinking about you.” She’s quiet after I say that, and I immediately sense something is off. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I just. I don’t want to go home. I was wondering if I could come to your place?”

“Sure. Is Emmy still with your mom?”

She sighs. “That’s the thing. I have her with me. I know that’s weird, but I’ll explain when I get there.”

If she’s bringing Emerson to my house, something is definitely off. She’s been adamant she didn’t want to bring her around me before Ryle knew about us. “I’ll text you my address.”

“Thank you. I’ll be there in a little while.” She ends the call, and I fall back onto my mattress wondering what in the hell happened in the time between slipping out of her bed last night and this phone call.

Did she get my letter? Did I say something wrong?

Is she about to break things off with me?

All those concerns swirl in my gut as I wait for her, but my biggest concern is one I don’t even want to allow my mind to entertain. Did Ryle hurt her?

I’m watching for them when she pulls into my driveway, so I meet her outside. I can immediately tell something is wrong when she gets out of the car. But I don’t think it’s related to me because she seems relieved to see me. I pull her in for a hug because she looks like she needs one. “What happened?”

She places her hands on my chest and pulls back to look up at me. She seems hesitant to say anything. She glances into the back window to check on her daughter, who is asleep in the car seat.

Then Lily just starts to cry. She drops her face against my chest and sobs into my shirt, and it’s the most heartbreaking thing. I press my lips into her hair and give her a moment.

She doesn’t need long. She composes herself fairly quickly and then wipes at her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she says. “I’ve been holding that in all morning since Ryle left.”

The mention of his name makes my spine stiffen. I knew this had to do with him.

“He knows about us,” she says.

“What happened?” It’s taking everything in me to stand where I am and not run to replace him. My bones feel as if they’re crackling with anger. “Are you hurt?”

“No. But he’s really upset, and I don’t want to be home alone right now. I know I shouldn’t be bringing Emmy around you yet, but I feel safer with her here than if Ryle tried to show up and take her today. I’m sorry, I just don’t want to be anywhere he might replace me.”

I tilt her chin up until she’s looking at me. “I’m happy you’re here. Both of you. Stay the whole day if you want.”

She exhales and presses her lips against mine. “Thank you.” She moves to the back door to grab her daughter out of her car seat. Emerson doesn’t even wake up. She’s limp in Lily’s arms, passed out. “She’s been at the park for an hour; she’s exhausted.”

I stare at Emerson in wonder, still amazed by how much she looks like Lily. She’s the spitting image of her mother, and I’m not at all upset that she looks nothing like her father. “Do you need me to grab anything?”

“Her diaper bag is in the passenger seat.”

I grab it, and we make our way into the house. Josh looks over his shoulder when he hears me walk inside. Lily waves at him, and he nods his head, but then when he notices Emerson, he turns completely around in his chair.

“That’s a baby,” he says.

“It is,” Lily replies. “Her name is Emerson.”

Josh looks at me. “Is it yours?” He uses the Sharpie in his hand to point at Emerson. “Is that my niece?”

Lily laughs uncomfortably.

I probably should have warned Josh before they showed up. “No, I am not a dad, and you are not an uncle.”

Josh stares at us for a minute, then shrugs and says, “Okay.” He turns around and gives his attention back to his homework.

“Sorry about that,” I say quietly. I set Emerson’s diaper bag near the couch. “Want me to get a blanket for her?”

Lily nods, so I grab a thick quilt from the hallway closet and lay it on the floor next to the couch. I double it over to give it more cushion, and she places Emerson on it. Emerson sleeps through the entire transfer.

“Don’t let her fool you—she’s a very light sleeper.” Lily kicks off her shoes and sits on the couch, pulling her feet beneath her. I sit down next to her, hoping she feels like talking about what happened, because I need to know why she’s scared.

Josh can’t see us from the dining room, so I give Lily a quick kiss. I doubt he can hear us from where he is, but I whisper anyway. “What happened?”

She sighs with her entire body and leans against the couch, facing me. “He showed up to get Emmy, and I wasn’t expecting him. He saw our wineglasses. My clothes. He put two and two together, and he had the exact reaction I was afraid he would have.”

“What reaction was that?”

“He got angry. But he left before it got too bad.”

Too bad? What does that even mean? “Does he know it was me who was there?”

Lily nods. “That’s practically the first thing he asked. He got angry, and I asked him to leave. And he did… but…”

She stops talking, and for the first time, I notice her hand is trembling. God, I hate him so much. I pull her to me so that her cheek is pressed against my chest and I hold her. “What did he do that scared you, Lily?”

Her palm is pressed right over my heart. She whispers, “He pushed me against the door, and he got close to my face, and I thought he was going to hit me or… I don’t know. He didn’t, though.” She must feel my heart hammering twice as fast against my chest now, because she lifts her head and looks at me. “I’m fine, Atlas. I promise. Nothing happened after that; it’s just been a long time since I’ve seen him that angry.”

“He pushed you against the door. That’s not nothing.”

Her eyes flick away, and she lays her head back on my chest. “I know. I know. I just don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know what to do about Emmy. I was actually getting close to letting him have an overnight with her, and now I don’t even want him to have unsupervised visits.”

“He doesn’t deserve unsupervised visits. You need to take him back to court.”

Lily sighs, and I can tell this is probably the part of her life that causes her the most stress. I can’t imagine what it must be like for her to watch him drive off with her little girl in his car, knowing what he’s capable of. I’m glad she came here today. I know it’s important to her that she waited to bring Emmy around me, but she made the right decision. Ryle might show back up to apologize and get Emmy, and he’ll replace her at all her usual places.

He won’t replace her here. Besides, Lily and I know this thing that’s been brewing between us is absolutely a long-term situation. She doesn’t have to worry about me forming an attachment to Emmy and then disappearing. As long as Lily wants me around, I’m not going anywhere.

She lifts her face to look at me again, and there’s a smudge of mascara near her temple. I wipe it away. “This conflict with him,” she says. “This is what I tried to warn you about. It could be a constant thing, especially now that he knows you’re back in my life.”

She’s saying this like she’s giving me the opportunity to bow out of this thing with her. I can’t believe she assumes that’s even crossing my mind. “You could have fifty ex-husbands who try to make our lives hell, but as long as I have you, I will be absolutely unaffected by anyone else’s negativity. That’s a promise.”

That makes her smile for the first time since she showed up here. I don’t want to do or say anything that could steal that smile, so I change the subject away from her weak-ass ex-husband.

“Are you thirsty?”

She pushes off my chest and grins even bigger. “Yes. I’m thirsty and I’m hungry. Why else would I show up at a chef’s house?”

Lily and Emerson have been here for about four hours now. Once Josh did as much of his homework as he could, he started playing with Emerson. Lily said she’s been taking steps for a few weeks now, and Josh replaces it hilarious that she follows him everywhere. He moved around for an hour while she stumbled after him, but now she’s asleep again. She fell asleep on the floor next to me with her head on my leg. Lily offered to move her, but I wouldn’t let her.

I would be lying if I said this wasn’t a little surreal. Deep down, I know that Lily and I are going to work out. She’s my person, and I am hers, and that’s something I’ve known since the first week we met. But looking at Emerson, knowing this child is likely going to end up becoming a huge part of my life—that’s a lot to take in. I could be her stepfather someday. I’ll likely be more of an influence in her life than her biological father, because Lily and I will eventually move in together. We’ll likely marry someday.

I’d never admit any of this out loud because people like Theo would say I’m getting ahead of myself, but the truth is, I’m years behind where I want to be with Lily. Where I could have been with her.

This is a hugely significant day, even if I don’t see Emerson again for months. This could be the first day I’m spending with someone who might one day end up becoming my daughter.

I brush thin strands of strawberry hair behind Emerson’s ear and try to understand where some of Ryle’s anger is coming from. He can’t be clueless to what Lily moving on would mean for his relationship with Emerson. Lily has Emerson the majority of the time, so whoever Lily chooses to bring into her life will also be around Emerson that same amount of time.

I’m not excusing Ryle’s behavior by any means. If I had my way, he’d get a job offer in Sudan, and we’d only have to deal with him once a year.

But that’s not the reality here. Ryle lives in the same city as his daughter, and his ex-wife is moving on with someone else. That can’t be easy on anyone. While I can understand how difficult it probably is for him, I’ll never understand his failure to recognize that it’s no one’s fault but his own. If he would have been a more mature, more rational man, Lily never would have left him. He’d have his wife and his daughter, and me and Lily wouldn’t even be in contact.

I’m worried for Lily. I’m worried Ryle is a little bit like my mother, and that he’s going to retaliate by fighting for the sake of fighting, and for no other reason.

“Have you ever made a report against Ryle?” I ask, looking at Lily. She’s sitting on the floor next to me, watching Emerson sleep on my leg.

“No.” There’s a drop of shame in Lily’s response.

“Do the two of you have a custody agreement?”

She nods. “I have full custody, but it comes with stipulations. Because of his schedule, I’m required to be flexible, but technically he gets her two days a week.”

“He pays child support?”

She nods. “He does. He’s never been late.”

I’m relieved he at least provides her that, but knowing the answers to these questions is making Lily’s situation seem even more precarious.

“Why?” she asks.

I shake my head. “It’s not my business.” Is it? I don’t even know. I’m trying to take things slow and give Lily space, but that part of me is warring with the part of me that wants to protect her.

Lily lifts a hand and pulls my focus to hers. “It is your business, Atlas. We’re together now.”

Her response makes my heart stutter. Did she just make us official? “Are we? Together?” I smile and urge her closer to me, my pulse thrumming. “Are me and you a thing, Lily Bloom?”

Her lips grin against mine. She’s nodding when she kisses me.

I think we both knew it was official long before last night, but if her daughter weren’t asleep on my leg right now, I’d probably pick Lily up and spin her around. I am that happy.

And that much more invested.

My quick burst of adrenaline begins to slow again, bringing me back to my thoughts from before Lily declared us official.

Ryle. Custody. Immaturity.

Lily’s head is on my shoulder and her hand is on my chest, so she feels it when I exhale all the air from my lungs. She lifts her head and looks at me anxiously. “Just say it.”

“Say what?” I ask her.

“Your thoughts about my situation. Your eyebrows are all scrunched together like you’re worrying about something.” She lifts her hand and uses her thumb to smooth out my serious expression.

“Is it too late to tell the court he was a danger to you in the past? Maybe that would help prevent him from getting overnights with her.”

“Once two people agree on a custody arrangement, you can’t use past evidence to modify an arrangement. Unfortunately, I never reported him, so I can’t use the abuse as a defense at this point.”

That is unfortunate. But I can understand her attempting to keep things civil with him at the time. I’m just worried it might come back on her in a negative way.

“He’s too busy to have her half the time, or even overnights, really. I doubt he would ever try to get joint custody of her.”

I press my lips together and nod, hoping she’s right. I don’t know him like she does, but from what I do know of him, he seems to hold grudges. And people who hold grudges tend to need retaliation. Parents do this all the time. They don’t like what another parent is doing, or who they’re seeing, so they use their child as a weapon. And that worries me. I could absolutely see Ryle making the decision to take her to court, simply to get back at her for being with me. And he would likely get what he wants. He’s never hurt Emerson, he’s never been reported for hurting Lily, he’s never been late on child support. And he has a successful career. All these things are in his favor.

When I glance at Lily, it looks like she’s about to sink into the floor. I didn’t mean to upset her even more by talking about this.

“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be a pessimist. We can change the subject.”

“You aren’t a pessimist, Atlas. You’re a realist, and I need that from you.” She lifts her head off my shoulder and peeks over at Emmy, who is still asleep on my leg. Then Lily settles against me again, releasing a quiet sigh. “You know, even if I had reported Ryle and fought for sole custody, my chances were slim. He has no criminal history, and he has money for the best lawyers. Almost every lawyer I spoke to encouraged me to work it out civilly with him because they’ve seen cases like ours, and the arrangement Ryle was agreeing to at the time was my best option.”

I grab her hand and lace my fingers through hers. She wipes away a tear that skates down her cheek. I hate that I even brought it up, but these fears are already in her. I’m just glad to know she’s thinking about it because she needs to stay a step ahead of Ryle. “Whatever happens, you aren’t alone in this anymore.”

Lily smiles appreciatively.

Emerson begins to stir awake on my leg. She opens her eyes and looks at me, and then immediately searches for Lily. She makes a beeline for her, right across my lap. When she’s in Lily’s arms, I lift my leg and stretch it. I haven’t been able to move it for over half an hour and it’s asleep.

“We should go,” she says. “I feel guilty for even being here with her. I’d be livid if Ryle took her around a girlfriend without me knowing.”

“I think your situations are a little different. Ryle isn’t having to replace a safe place to hide your daughter for the day because he’s scared of your temper. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

Lily shoots me a grateful look.

I help her gather their things and I walk her to the car. Once Emerson is in her car seat, Lily moves close to say goodbye. I burrow my fingers in her hips and tug her closer. I dip my head, grazing her nose, and then I catch her lips with mine. I kiss her deeply, wanting her to still feel it on her drive home.

I slide my hands into the back pockets of her jeans and squeeze her ass. It makes her laugh. Then she sighs wistfully. “I already miss you.”

I nod in agreement. “There’s been a lot of that on my end,” I admit. “I’m kind of obsessed with you, Lily Bloom.” I kiss her cheek and then force myself to release her.

This is the only negative aspect to finally being with the person you’re meant to be with. You go years aching to be with them, and when they finally become a significant part of your life, it somehow hurts even more.