It Starts with Us: A Novel (2) (It Ends with Us)
It Starts with Us: Chapter 36

I’m curled up on Atlas’s couch, exhausted from moving.

Our couch.

This is going to take some getting used to.

I had Theo and Josh help me unpack the rest of Emerson’s and my things because Atlas has a late night at work. I wake up early, he gets home late, but it’s exciting that we’ll now get more pieces of each other, even when it’s in passing. And we have Sundays together.

But tonight is a Friday, and tomorrow is a Saturday, Atlas’s busiest days, so I’m entertaining Josh and Theo until my mother returns with Emerson. The three of us have been watching Finding Nemo, but it’s almost over.

I honestly didn’t think they would sit through it because they’re at the age when preteens tend to want to separate themselves from Disney cartoons. But I’m learning that Gen Z is a different breed. The more time I spend with these two, the more I think they’re unlike any generation that came before them. They’re less prone to peer pressure and more supportive of individuality. I’m a little bit jealous of them.

Josh stands when the credits begin to roll.

“Did you like it?”

He shrugs. “It was pretty funny, considering it started with the brutal slaughter of all that caviar.” He takes his empty bag of popcorn toward the kitchen, but Theo is still staring at the television. He’s shaking his head slowly.

I’m still stuck on Josh’s description of the beginning of the movie…

“I don’t get it,” Theo says.

“The caviar comment?”

Theo looks between me and the television. “No. I don’t get why Atlas said that to you about finally reaching the shore. It wasn’t even a quote in the movie. He told me he said it because of Finding Nemo. I waited for someone to say it through the entire movie.”

I’m sure I’ll have to get used to a lot of things now that I live with Atlas, but knowing he talks to this kid about our relationship is probably not one of the things I’ll ever get used to.

The confusion in Theo’s eyes flips like a light switch. “Oh. Oh. Because when life gets them down, they keep swimming, so Atlas was saying life will no longer… okay.” His mind is still going a mile a minute behind those eyes. He starts to shake his head as he pushes himself off the floor. “I still think it’s cheesy,” he mutters. Theo’s phone buzzes right as he stands. “I gotta go—my dad’s here.”

Josh is back in the living room. “You aren’t staying over?”

“I can’t tonight; my parents are taking me to a thing in the morning.”

“I want to go to a thing,” Josh says.

Theo is pulling on his shoes when he hesitates. “Yeah, I don’t know.”

“Where are you going?”

Theo’s eyes flash briefly to mine, and then back to Josh. “It’s a parade.” He says it quietly, but also like it’s a warning.

“A parade?” Josh tilts his head. “Why are you being weird? What kind of parade is it? A pride parade?”

Theo swallows like maybe him and Josh haven’t had this conversation, so I’m nervous on Theo’s behalf. But I’ve been around Josh enough over the last several months to know that he values his friendship with Theo.

Josh grabs his shoes and sits next to me on the couch and starts putting them on. “What are you saying? I’m not allowed to go to a pride thing because I like girls?”

Theo shifts from one foot to the other. “You can go. I just… I didn’t know if you knew.”

Josh rolls his eyes. “You can tell a lot about a person by their taste in manga, Theo. I’m not a dumbass.”

“Josh,” I say.

“Sorry.” He grabs a jacket from the closet. “Can I stay over at Theo’s tonight?”

Josh’s casual attitude about this monumental moment between the two of them reminds me so much of Atlas.

Considerate Josh.

But his question about leaving with Theo kind of stumps me. My eyes widen slightly. I’ve only lived here four days. Josh hasn’t asked me permission for anything before, and Atlas and I haven’t really laid ground rules. “Yeah, sure. But let your brother know where you are.”

I really don’t think Atlas will mind. Now that we live together, we’re going to have to tackle things like this when it comes to Josh and Emerson. Who parents who, when, how. It’s kind of exciting. I like figuring out life with Atlas.

My mother still hasn’t returned with Emerson yet, so once Josh and Theo have left, the house is quiet and empty for the first time since we moved in. I’ve never been here alone before. I spend my alone time walking through rooms, looking in cabinets, familiarizing myself with my new house.

My new house. That’s fun to say.

I go out back and sit in a chair on the deck, staring over the backyard. It’s the perfect backyard for a garden. Almost unheard-of for a place this far into the city. It’s like Atlas searched for a house specifically for the perfect garden space just in case I ever came back into his life. I know that’s not at all why he chose this house, but it’s fun imagining he did it for that reason.

My phone rings, startling me. It’s Atlas returning an earlier call with a video chat.

“Hi.”

“What are you doing?” he asks.

“Picking out a spot for my garden. Josh wanted to stay over with Theo, so I let him go. I hope that’s okay.”

“Of course it is. Did they help you at all?”

“Yeah, we got most of it done.”

Atlas looks relieved by that. He runs a hand down the side of his face like he’s releasing stress. It looks like it’s been a busy day, but Atlas tucks it away beneath a smile. “Where’s Emerson?”

“My mom is on her way back with her.”

He sighs like he’s sad he couldn’t get a glimpse of her. “I’m starting to miss her,” he says. The words come out soft and fast, like he’s a little bit scared to admit he’s starting to love my daughter. But I caught his words, and I’m keeping them next to all the other sweet things he’s ever said to me. “I’ll be home in about three hours. Will you be awake?”

“If I’m not, you know what to do.”

Atlas gives his head a little shake, and his mouth ticks up in the corner. “I love you. Be home soon.”

“I love you, too.”

As soon as we end our call, I hear Emerson’s sweet voice, so I immediately turn around. My mother is standing in the doorway holding her. She’s smiling like she caught some of that conversation.

I stand up to grab Emerson from her, and she clings to me. Should be an easy night. When she gets cuddly like this, it means she’s ready to fall asleep. I motion for my mother to have a seat next to me.

“This is cute,” she says.

It’s her first time here. I would show her around, but Emerson is already rubbing her face into my chest, trying to fight her tiredness. I want to give her a chance to fall asleep before I stand up.

“What a magnificent place for a garden,” my mother says. “You think he chose this place on purpose, hoping you’d come back into his life?”

I shrug. “I was actually wondering that myself, but I didn’t want to assume.” I pause, then turn and look at her after her question actually registers. Back into his life? I never told her Atlas was a friend from back in Maine. I just assumed she didn’t remember him.

I assumed she had no idea that the Atlas in my life now was anyone from my past.

She can see the surprise on my face, so she says, “It’s a unique name, Lily. I remember him.”

I smile, but I’m also confused as to why she never brought it up before now. I’ve been dating him for over six months, and she’s been around him a handful of times.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, though. My mother has always been a little hard to get to open up. I can’t blame her. She spent years with a man who left her no voice, so I’m sure it’s been hard for her to learn how to use it again.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” I ask her.

She shrugs. “I figured you would bring it up to me if you wanted me to know.”

“I wanted to, but I didn’t want it to feel awkward for you being around him. Not after what Dad did to him.”

She looks away from me, her eyes scanning the backyard. She’s quiet for a beat. “I never told you this, but I spoke to Atlas once. Kind of. I came home from work early and the two of you were asleep on the couch. Talk about a shock,” she says, laughing. “I thought you were so sweet and innocent, but there you were on my living room sofa asleep with a random boy. I was about to yell at you, but when he woke up, he looked so scared. Not scared of me, really, now that I think about it. He looked more scared of the possibility of losing you. Anyway, he left in a quiet hurry, so I followed him outside because I was going to threaten him and tell him never to come back. But he just… he did the weirdest thing, Lily.”

“What did he do?” My heart is in my throat.

“He hugged me,” she says, her voice tinted with a drop of laughter.

My jaw drops. “He hugged you? You caught him with your daughter red-handed and he hugged you?”

She nods. “He did. And it was a knowing hug, too. It was like he carried this genuine sorrow for me, and I felt that in his hug. Like he was encouraging me, or comforting me. And then he just… walked away. I never even got the chance to yell at him for being in my house with you unsupervised. Maybe that was his plan—it could have been a manipulation tactic, I don’t know.”

I shake my head. “It wasn’t a tactic.” Considerate Atlas.

“I knew you were seeing him. And I knew you were hiding him from your father rather than me, so I didn’t take it personally. I never interfered because I liked that you had someone, Lily.” She gestures toward the house behind us. “And now look. You have him forever.”

That story makes me squeeze Emerson a little tighter.

“It makes me happy to know there’s a man in your life that gives meaningful hugs like that,” my mother says.

“He gives more than great hugs,” I deadpan.

My mother scoffs. “Lily!” She stands up, shaking her head. “I’m going home now.”

I’m laughing to myself as she leaves. Then I use my free hand to text Atlas.

I love you so much, you idiot.