Ivan's Queen
Chapter 13 - Tortured Secrets

A week has passed after Ivan’s birthday party and everyone has gone back to their normal routine at the castle. Our families had stayed back for the weekend and I loved having everyone around again. Unfortunately, Ayla couldn’t attend as her and Asher were visiting another realm but they did send Ivan his presents and talked to him over the phone. Evie and Isaac almost didn’t want to leave. They were in love with the castle and my parents had to drag them to the portal in the end!

I smile as I think about their antics while making my way down the hallway. As promised when I was doing my best to persuade him not too long ago, I just finished helping Ivan complete his work that was delayed due to the celebrations. It took forever and involved a lot of regret on my part but we eventually got through it all.

I replace the bedroom’s door to be slightly open and step in with my pajamas in hand. Ivan stands with his back turned to me and his hand is outstretched to pick up his t-shirt. But what I see has me freezing in shock. His entire back is a mass of destroyed skin and scarred beyond belief. As my eyes roam over it all I notice the deeper scars that could only have been inflicted by knives. There’s burns too, as if someone took a hot iron to his skin.

He’s always covered his upper body so I’ve never seen him shirtless until now and I realize why.

“I-Ivan?” I gasp in shock and watch his back tense before he whirls around.

“Amelia...” He starts cautiously before rushing towards me when tears slip out of my eyes. “No, don’t cry! I’m okay, I’m fine ангел!” (Angel)

“What happened?! Why would someone do this to you?!” I cry as my body trembles in fear over what I have just seen.

“It’s nothing!”

“Nothing?! Ivan, are you really going to lie to me?!” I reply weakly as I wipe away my tears.

He sighs before taking a seat on the bed. There’s a troubled look in his eyes as he clenches and un-clenches his jaw. He remains silent for a long time and I almost think he’s not going to tell me until he finally speaks up.

“Before I declared war on my enemies...there was this woman.” He starts lowly and his words make me tense as my stomach clenches with dread. “Amelia, I swear to you that we didn’t do anything other than kiss. It never went further than that and I’m so sorry it ever happened.”

I nod silently but my heart still aches with pain. The thought of another woman touching him makes me mad yet hurt at the same time.

“It was never love, mere desire on my part. But I thought she reciprocated my feelings...it seemed like it at the time.” He scoffs as his fingers clench the edge of the blanket. “She was sent by the enemies and disguised as a servant girl whose mission was to get close to me. When I was at war, she appeared in my tent one night. I was puzzled but didn’t think much of it and using that to her advantage she drugged me. That night, while I was unconscious, some men came and took me to where our enemies had set up base. I was restrained and tortured until I wanted to beg for my death.”

“Oh my God...” I trail off shakily as tears slip down my cheeks.

“Come here.” He murmurs with a sad smile as he holds his arms out.

I make my way to him and settle on his lap as he holds me close. He nestles his nose in the crook of my neck and inhales deeply. I’m assuming my scent instantly calms him down. He pulls away eventually but rests his chin atop my head with his arms wrapped across my waist. He inhales a shuddering breath before he continues with his story.

“I was whipped and knifed until I lost all hope and accepted my defeat. Until one night, my father met me in a dream – he possesses the gift of dream walking. We knew nobody could rescue me in time so he coaxed my beasts from the spell they were under. When I woke up, they went berserk. I was so weak that I let them take over and the next thing I know I’m leading my men back to my kingdom victorious.” He trails off in a whisper and I feel his entire body deflate.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that.” I turn to him and let him wipe away my tears.

“That woman ruined me.” He sighs with a broken look in his eyes. “I always feared that if I was blessed with a mate she would turn out to be just like her. When I met you, I couldn’t help but think that you would betray my trust and hurt me too. All my memories came back, escalating my doubts and fears that I had tried so hard to lock away. I’m so sorry that I’m not worthy of you, Amelia. I’m trying, please believe me. But she destroyed me to the point where I stopped thinking that there was a chance for me. I’m sorry that I was distant and cold in the start, that I’m not as loving or affectionate as other males –”

“Don’t apologize!” I whisper as I cup his face. “You mean so much to me Ivan. You are worthy.”

Nova had told me that before the Great War he was always focused on being a good King and never had time for relationships. But apparently after the Great War, his entire outlook on relationships changed and he refused to even speak about mates. It had hurt to hear that but now I know why he changed. Holding a grudge against him for kissing another woman would be petty considering the fact that it was years ago and everything that happened has clearly traumatized him.

I can see that he’s struggling to blink away his tears before a tortured breath escapes him. He looks away from me and bites his lip hard as he tries to reign in his emotions. “I’ll change for you. I’ll do anything –”

“Don’t.” I pull away as I gaze into his teary green eyes. “I’ve fallen in love with who you are and that now includes your past. You don’t need to do anything else, Ivan.”

“Y-You can’t love me.” He shakes his head as his eyes burn in disbelief. “You’re just saying that because I told you of my past. I don’t want your pity, Amelia.”

“I do love you, Ivan.” I murmur, pulling him closer by his collar when he tries to move away. “I love you for giving us a chance even when your fears plagued your mind. I love you for always taking care of me and putting me first. I love you for your sweet and cheeky side that only I am privy to. I love you for trusting me when you’re vulnerable. I love you for simply trying your hardest to make things work. I love you, Ivan Romanov.”

“Fuck...I’m so scared.” He laughs through his tears as he clutches my hand tightly.

“Of what?”

“Of letting myself fall for you. I’ve wanted to all this time. But I...I was just...” He trails off helplessly.

“Scared and hurt, I know.” I smile understandingly as I wipe away a traitorous tear from his cheek. “You don’t have to feel like that anymore, Ivan. I promise to love and care for you, to always have your back no matter what.”

“I’m so sorry. Every time I wanted to let myself fall in love with you freely – to tell you – all I saw was her.” He breathes while squeezing his eyes shut. “You’re nothing like her and I know that. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t let go of my past no matter how hard I tried.”

“You don’t need to let go of it, you just need to move on.” I smile up at him before nudging him with my elbow. “I’ll help you.”

He laughs as he rests his forehead against mine. “I...I lo –”

“You don’t have to say it if you’re not ready.” I try and stop him but he shakes his head.

“I’ve been in love with you ever since we were kids, you silly woman.” He admits, making my eyes widen in shock.

“W-What?!” I sputter as my mind reels over the newfound information.

His cheeks turn slightly pink in embarrassment as he scratches the back of his neck. He avoids my gaze until there’s no more furniture in the room to stare at anymore before peeking up at me shyly. Shrugging halfheartedly at my expectant look, he plays with my fingers to distract himself.

“I thought you were cute as fuck with your little dresses and long hair back in the day. You were the sweetest little thing and always kind – you still are. I loved the way you would share things with me whether it was toys or meals, the way your eyes would light up at the sight of me, your love of art. And your perspective of the world was refreshing. You’re like a little ball of sunshine always looking for the good in things.” He trails off but still not meeting my eyes. “As the years went by and we grew up, I realized that I liked you more than a friend. I didn’t understand it at first but eventually I figured out that I had a massive crush on you. It just didn’t go anywhere...until we met again. Only this time, I tried to stop myself from loving you again because of what happened in my past.”

“Aw, you’re so cute!” I squeal as I pinch his cheeks.

He swats my hands away with a groan before covering his face. “As far as our story goes, we fell in love here at the castle. Understood?”

“Understood.” I roll my eyes playfully before stealing a kiss from him. “Cutie.”

“Never call me that again!” He snarls angrily and I laugh out loud at his reaction.

His features soften as he stares at me before pulling me close with a tender look. I sigh in content as I cuddle up to him. Running his fingers through my hair, he presses occasional kisses to the top of my head. I trail my fingers across his arm but my brows furrow in confusion when I spot black and white color on his shoulder. I turn his arm only to be greeted by a tattoo.

“Ivan...”

“Don’t ask.” He groans softly from above as he continues to play with my hair.

“A panda? Really?” I snicker before yelping when he pinches my side. When he doesn’t reply, I turn and wrap my arms around his neck with my best puppy dog look. “Tell me? Please?”

He sighs heavily before pulling me down to lay beside him. Resting his head under one arm, his other one supports mine as I shuffle closer. He decides to turn to me fully and tangles our legs as he caresses my cheek.

“Right after the Great War, Ayla and I got very drunk one night. It’s not easy for our kind to get drunk but she kept ordering drinks because she wanted me to lighten up.” He rolls his eyes playfully and a small smile quirks his lips. “According to our guards, we ended up going to a tattoo parlor. We picked the other’s tattoo and I really regret picking a hummingbird for her while she chose a fucking panda for me.”

I bite my lip hard to stifle my laughter and watch him glare at me. The King of the Lycan Kingdom has a freaking panda on his arm! He growls in warning when I let a chuckle slip and narrows his eyes at me the more I laugh.

“It’s not funny!” He huffs adorably, pouting even.

“Of course not! Not funny at all!” I shake my head in mock seriousness but fail to stop myself from grinning widely.

He rolls away and onto his stomach. “Why do I even like you?”

Giggling, I rise on my knees and lean over him. His eyes are open but he closes them just as he spots me, pretending to be angry. Smiling in amusement, I sit on his back where it’s not as scarred with my legs on either side of him. Resting my hands on his shoulders, I push myself up to nip at his earlobe. He opens his eyes just like I wanted.

“You don’t like me. You love me.” I wink cheekily when he looks at me.

He chuckles before closing his eyes and I sit back as my fingertips trail over his scarred skin. He tenses, as if ready to run but thankfully he remains still. I heard that the Great War was three years ago, when Ivan first took over the throne. The scars and burns do look like they were made long ago but his skin never really recovered from it all.

“Knife wound. I wouldn’t answer their questions.” I’m brought out my thoughts at the sound of his voice before I look down to see that my fingers rest on the wound on his side.

Hesitantly, I trace upwards and land on the largest burn mark. He replies with, “I refused to give up my dad in exchange for my life.”

The tears brimming my eyes slip over the edge and two drops hit his skin. I cover my mouth with one hand to stifle the sob threatening to escape. It hurts me to think of how much pain he must have been in.

“A-Are these –”

“Whip marks. Because I wouldn’t shift into my beasts.” He answers as he turns his head to the other side.

I touch the largest knife wound running from his left shoulder down to the end of his back. I can’t help but cry softly as I think about how much it would’ve hurt to be cut open like that. My tears land on the skin of his back repeatedly but he doesn’t say anything and lets me continue.

“My mom turned into a hybrid after vampires attacked her. She’s just as powerful as my dad even without creatures. A lot of people want to use her abilities for their own gain because nobody like her exists. I would fight back just so they wouldn’t put me in front of her and ask her to give up her life for her son. Because she would in a heartbeat.” His voice is hoarse and I catch the tears slipping out of the corner of his eyes. But he regains composure in an instant, as if he never really lost it. “I don’t hate the ones I received for protecting my family. I would suffer through it all a thousand times over just so they’re safe.”

I smile softly before leaning down to press kisses along the entire scar. I hear his breath hitch and feel his body tense. There’s so many scars, whip marks and burns on here that the ones he explained to me are just the beginning. My name leaves his lips in a whisper as I press kisses to every inch of his exposed skin. He begins to relax and closes his eyes with a heavy sigh.

“I look hideous.” He whispers brokenly which makes me still.

“You don’t. They show what you’ve been through and I think that’s beautiful.” I whisper as I run my fingers through his hair. “Hell, you’re ten times stronger than I could ever be.”

In an instant, he turns around to lay on his back with me straddling his waist. I blush at the position as his hand caresses my heated cheek adoringly. His emerald gems hold an array of emotions but all of them flicker across too quickly for me to catch and decipher. So, I choose to admire him instead.

Ivan is so breathtakingly handsome that it hurts sometimes. His eyes are bright and alert and his midnight black hair is always tousled sexily. I’ve noticed that there are two freckles by his right brow and one by his chin. His lips are full and most of the time they’re either in a frown or a straight line but I manage to catch several small smiles throughout the day. He’s quite muscular but whenever he holds me I feel safe and protected, as if I’m in a soft cocoon. And the scars on his back line his skin like memories hung on a wall – strengthening him, steadying him, humbling him.

“You don’t need to be strong.” His low murmur snaps me out of my trance. “You have me. I’ll always protect you.”

“You protect me from the world and I’ll protect you from yourself, deal?” I smile softly when he laughs and nods in agreement.

“I love you, Солнышко.” He pulls me down for the sweetest of kisses. (Little sun)

“I love you more.”